All-Star Criminals

Smelly Furtado Confesses To Stolen Clam Cash, But Denies Ownership Of Mystery Meth Crammed UpHer Stench Trench

This is pretty methed up, you guys.


The Smoking Gun:



Turns out $6233 was also inside the accused woman

Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, was questioned early Wednesday by police after a man accused her of stealing $5000 from his home. The victim, Eugene Dix, told West Monroe Police Department officers that Rolland had stayed with him in his apartment for the last week.

Dix alleged that while he was showering, Rolland took his cash and left the residence. The affidavit identifies Dix as Rolland’s boyfriend.

During a subsequent interview with cops, Rolland, seen above, reportedly confessed to swiping the money, which was recovered during a “consensual search of Rolland’s person” by a female correctional officer. The exact amount seized from Rolland was $6,233.

The female jailer also discovered a “clear plastic bag containing approximately 1 gram of methamphetamine inside Rolland’s vagina.” The suspect, however, “denied ownership of the methamphetamine.”

It does not appear that Rolland explained to police how someone else’s meth found its way into her body cavity.

Rolland was charged with theft and narcotics possession, both felonies, and booked into the Ouachita Parish jail. She is being held in lieu of $8000 bond.”


Don’t you just hate it when someone else’s meth ends up in your penis flytrap? Looks like it’s not the first time something has ended up there that Smelly Furtado isn’t 100% of who it belongs to, either.



I bet she’s a wonderful mother, meth and cash tucked into her vagene while pregnant (again) notwithstanding.

Poor Dix. One minute you’re parking your spam javelin in some methhead’s tuna taco,  the next you hop in the shower to wash off the venerial diseases, and she takes all your worldly belongings, stuffs them in her cavernous poon-purse, and takes off into the night. Who would’ve guessed?


Was it really worth it, bro? I mean…If you’re keeping score at home, a gram of meth plus $6233 is the equivalent of tuckering an entire eggplant in your hoo-ha. Even if that was mostly $100 bill’s, at minimum that is still 62 $100 bills. So it would appear you could back up a mac truck inside Smashley’s crabs cavern and turn it around without hitting any walls. That’s a bad hit.

This bitch is clearly not low-mileage. Then again….look at this fucking guy.

That’s the victim of this hoo-ha heist. Come on, now.

The only reason a chick like this


Is ever going to even consider slobbing the knob of a guy like that,


Is a meth addiction, not his sparkling personality and strong family values. That’s just science. This dude is pretty much asking to be the victim of a coochie caper. He advertises as such.

And guy isn’t not exactly your average “victim”, either. He actually appears to be a huge cockknob himself. Don’t feel too bad for Dix.


“Second degree rape?” Yeah, fuck this guy and his poor foresight, too.  This isn’t Cashley’s first methstake.  Besides sucking up the cash and drugs of whatever gross drug dealer she’s happened across in to her vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner, she is working on quite the glowing Google resume.

Even Hellen Keller could’ve seen this coming.

So, only God can judge her, obviously. She’s just living her best life ya’ll.

Sometimes that includes taking off on her neglected poon polyp,

to roll around the sheets with a fat, rapey drug dealer and end up with the down payment on a used car and some mystery meth in her snatch-satchel. All while pregnant with another raw dog trophy that will promptly be delivered to the state’s child protective services, as soon as she pushes it down the birth canal and past the bag of ice. No negative comments, please!





54 Comment(s)
  • TheCureForHope
    August 10, 2019 at 2:55 pm

    She looks drop-dead gorgeous! Not at all like your typical meth head.

    But it don’t matter.

  • Mazikeen69
    August 9, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    she has her vagina bigger then tunnel bridge of boston..
    theres a spanish saying,im going to write it if anybody speaks better english than me can translated ,i jst came from PR 2mths ago
    here is the sayin… ah cojido mas huevos que un salten del army…..
    so she likes every dick n harry,poor kids they goin to Social Service

  • Break the Deal, Face the Wheel
    August 9, 2019 at 3:46 pm

    Several more years of meth and burnin the coal and she’ll look like fucking Anne Ramsey.

    What a waste. With her looks she could have bagged a rich dude and lived the high life in a mansion.

    What a waste of an asset.

    She’s burnin the coal

    She’ll be payin the toll!

    • Southern Belle Sucks Cocks in Hell
      August 10, 2019 at 1:55 pm

      “burning the coal”
      “paying the toll”
      “burning the meth”

      catching the black death
      was it worth getting laid
      for cash you was paid
      you got the sickness
      and you beginning to fade

      your health you did trade
      with the deals that you made
      cash from the johns
      you know you done wrong

      In the bargain you made
      not just your health did you trade
      but your life begins to fade
      and it’s with your life, a deal is paid

      • TheCureForHope
        August 10, 2019 at 3:26 pm

        It’s really very sad.

        Whether you think it’s a disease or a choice (or it begins as a choice and changes to a disease), it’s still very sad.

        At one time, she was a life full of potential.

  • JizzMasterZero
    August 9, 2019 at 7:59 am

    I just want to see those titbags and maybe suck on them!

    • Captain Trips
      August 9, 2019 at 7:06 pm

      Call the NAACP, they probably have pics of those on their office walls

  • Johnny Wadd
    August 9, 2019 at 1:43 am

    Seems gene dix lives up to his name and should have his body cavities searched as well. At least the judge in Louisiana set bail. If she pulled this shit in Massachusetts she’d be released on personal recognizance. On another note, even my dick couldn’t fill that void!

  • Ted Kennedy
    August 8, 2019 at 8:46 pm

    I ahhhhh*urp* wouldn’t ahhhh fuck her* urp* if she ahhhh begged me ! *Urp*
    And that’s ahhhhh saying something! *Urp*

  • Levon
    August 8, 2019 at 7:54 pm

    Yo trump racists we got your white bitch right here thanks for your daughters trump racist!!! 100%

    • Craig Thomas
      August 20, 2019 at 1:32 am

      She’s not a “white girl”, you can clearly see from her eyes, her hair, her skin, and her fat arse that her genepool is heavily polluted already.

  • Fantesticles
    August 8, 2019 at 7:53 pm

    Still waiting on that piece on Jizzail Cumsucker (jesail, jasial? correia), especially now that he got his way by getting his brother in law both medical dispensaries.

  • whatevuh
    August 8, 2019 at 6:07 pm

    Ashley Beth Rolland: remember when you were pretty good-looking? ya know, before you started dating black guys?

  • Purse Snatcher
    August 8, 2019 at 5:35 pm

    The purse snatcher has a snatch purse and great future in the porn industry. Seriously why not monetize her promiscuity and complete lack of shame. She could make a good living, stay out of jail and only work with tested performers, pays better to.

    • Captain Trips
      August 9, 2019 at 3:48 pm

      What a Pig

  • The Name Game
    August 8, 2019 at 3:54 pm

    🙁 First word was a teaser. I saw “Smelly,” thought there was going to an update on Smelly Shelley Berman and his carnage in the Andover school district. I understand that their school committee gave him a financial vote of confidence. SMH!

  • Brinks driver
    August 8, 2019 at 3:23 pm

    Manager at the Boston Fish Pier said they would gladly take that cash.

  • Joe Smith
    August 8, 2019 at 3:16 pm

    If she had another $1767.00 in the Cash Box she could have made bail.

    • JizzMasterZero
      August 15, 2019 at 7:59 am

      That money was snatched by the cops!

  • Team Bristol!
    August 8, 2019 at 3:02 pm

    Another 100!!! emoji story sister Bristol.
    You should next write a story about the girl in Nebraska who got arrested with 3 pills of ectasy and a $5 bill in her falopian fuck tunnel LOLOLOL or that girl from the Cochese County Facebook Yard sale page in Arizona looking for free Air conditioners when she JUST had an ad selling LOLOLOLO Air conditioners!!!!
    I aspire to be a writer just like you so what’s your advice when your new baby daddy doesn’t like your other babies daddies?

    • Big Wick
      August 8, 2019 at 3:41 pm

      “… so what’s your advice when your new baby daddy doesn’t like your other babies daddies?” Run. Run. Away. Fast. New baby daddies who don’t like other babies’ daddies are proven, statistically, to be the biggest danger to the lives of those babies. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen stories of mom’s new BF beating/ abusing/ killing the previous BF’s kids. With all due respect, you and your kids are already potential statistics, with multiple BD’s, and you need to make some better life choices, FAST. Just some friendly, sincere but urgent time-sensitive advice. BTW, if you seriously have a problem choosing between your own children and a dude who does not treat them like he’s their dad/ father/ significant adult male in their lives, then they’re probably better of with DCF. I hope you make the right decision.

      • Big Wick
        August 8, 2019 at 3:44 pm

        Not “of,” dang, I meant “better OFF with DCF.”

  • SMH
    August 8, 2019 at 2:19 pm

    Who woudda’ thought a vag could be a meth and cash machine?

    • JizzMasterZero
      August 15, 2019 at 8:02 am

      Both were probably coated with jizz and random snatch ooze.

  • Judge dread
    August 8, 2019 at 1:49 pm

    Wait this dude got hit with possession of 400 grams that’s like 3.5 pounds. And rape!? Wtf is this dude doing back on the street. I read about his earlier today on the daily wire or zerohedge and apparently she shoved the wad of rolled up cash up her tampon tunnel in addition to the meth. So he guy she was banging and sucking the glass dick with was obviously still dealing.

    I feel sorry for the corrections officers that had to pull that snail trail like slime covered evidence out of this bitches front hole.

    The judge says since she likes insertions and meth, she be immediately deported to North Korea where she can get all the meth she wants.

    • Big Wick
      August 8, 2019 at 2:33 pm

      All due respect, Your Honor, but a jurist of your eminent stature should have at least a rudimentary knowledge of some important conversion factors, like, one mile = approximately 1.609 kilometers, and one gram is approximately 453.6 grams.

      But, you’re right, she should be sent to Kim Jung Fatboy for a little motorboating in that udder-licious cleavage.

      • Bill Nye
        August 8, 2019 at 3:42 pm

        *kilogram so he had a little under a pound. I don’t know how much festering poon that translates into but his apartment could probably use thorough fumigation.

    • Y
      August 8, 2019 at 2:58 pm

      400 grams is over 14 ounces (almost 1/2 a key)…WTF…he’s not too high up on the supply chain, but he has to be an informant to be out on the streets, especially after they just discovered him having over $6K in cash after an arrest w/400 grams (they didn’t think to raid the house?)…

    • Judge dread
      August 8, 2019 at 3:59 pm

      The judge always over-estimates when exporting to NK is involved. Grams pounds whatever. My exclusive contracts with China and NK just need rough estimates to avoid UN litigation.

  • Batman
    August 8, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    Stuffs your possessions in her cavernous poon purse, I think you outdid yourself Bristol. Very vivid description. Batman golf clap.

  • Meth Muff
    August 8, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    Apparently the space between her legs is wider than the one between those doe eyes. I wonder if meth makes your lips fall off.

    • Eat my Meat
      August 8, 2019 at 2:38 pm

      I wonder if it makes her teeth fold back, too.
      I KNOW it’ll make all her teeth fall OUT. All the better for tonguing a tonsil tickler.

  • Christmas Colors
    August 8, 2019 at 12:49 pm

    If she was ragging the moneys gonna look like a dye pack exploded on it. The dude should get it all exchanged at a bank so he doesn’t have trouble spending it.

  • Mom’s Basement
    August 8, 2019 at 12:45 pm

    Video games are an addiction and I’ve got Game Pass and two controllers. Ladies???

  • Mr. Thirsty
    August 8, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    I’m not sure if she’d feel it at all, but I’d (try to ) smash it. As long as meth hasn’t smashed her teeth.

  • Liawatha
    August 8, 2019 at 12:11 pm

    I always request frittata when I brunch at Harvest. Just luscious.

  • Y
    August 8, 2019 at 12:04 pm

    I usually say, I might not hit the back, but I hit the sh_t out of the walls; however, in the case, I suspect I wouldn’t hit a thing…

    • Kardashian Situation
      August 8, 2019 at 5:29 pm

      Elephant bu ka ki party, lol…

  • Deez Nuts
    August 8, 2019 at 11:55 am

    I wouldn’t ‘poon the trench, but I’d sure as hell bath her neck in baby batter with them MOAB’s!

  • Ray Patriarca
    August 8, 2019 at 11:46 am

    Christ !
    I hope to fuck they burn that cash !
    Fucking this tramp must be akin to chucking a hotdog down a bowling alley !

  • The angry taint
    August 8, 2019 at 11:43 am

    what a god damn waste! she had potential and the taint would have, however I cannot now because of the potential of injury from kevin’s watch,dick’s golf clubs,meth, money, the corpse of hoffa and whatever will be found as corrections officers rummage around in there.

    • Dick Scratcher
      August 8, 2019 at 11:53 am

      Genuine “coffee-through-the-nose” moment.

      A superb post, sir.
      You’ve made a happy man very old.


    August 8, 2019 at 11:36 am

    Can we get a bill through the legislature to make her an honorary citizen of the Commonwealth?

  • Dick Scratcher
    August 8, 2019 at 11:28 am

    Limerick of the day…….

    The lovely tittoo-ed Ashley Beth,
    Has a mugshot where she looks like death
    The cause of this look
    Is not giving a fuck,
    And a cunt overflowing with meth.

    Dick Scratcher, aged 51 years – like a fine wine.

    • The angry taint
      August 8, 2019 at 11:38 am

      bravo sir! bravo!……me golf clapping

  • Jack B Pierce
    August 8, 2019 at 11:27 am

    So when I retire all I have to do is splash walking around cash, a gram of marching powder, the promise of a tittooor 2 and I can get a herpesvirus petri dish half my age ? And I’m not even a hood booger! Wow what a bright future I have.

  • Monsterrod von Hugenstein
    August 8, 2019 at 11:22 am

    Holy jesus, even her mugshot is hot. I’ve got a monster wad to slam in her vault, if you can dig what I’m saying.

  • z
    August 8, 2019 at 11:06 am

    The Meth Fairy leaves gifts in mysterious places.
    Looks a little like Peter Pan wearing a dirty wife beater.

  • kevins9iron
    August 8, 2019 at 11:05 am

    I dated that chick! Did they find my wrist watch???

    • z
      August 8, 2019 at 11:12 am

      I’ll bet she’s seen Pulp Fiction.

    • Dick Scratcher
      August 8, 2019 at 11:29 am

      Yes, they found your watch behind my golf clubs.

  • Turtleboy is the new Tinder change my mind
    August 8, 2019 at 11:04 am

    Yet another fuckable piece of meat brought to you by turtleboy sports. Apparently all you need to do to get laid anymore is just be a drug dealer.

  • Seed bag
    August 8, 2019 at 10:56 am

    Even so, it gladly count the money she had tucked up there. Might even make a deposit….

  • Massholio
    August 8, 2019 at 10:48 am

    Too much! Too much! Too much of all of it! Ethnic cleansing now!

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