All-Star Criminals

Somehow This Guy Who Was Caught Mid-Stroke Making Tummy Pancakes At the Northampton Public Library Only Got A $125 Fine

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MassliveA 66-year-old man paid a $125 fine on Monday, settling a disorderly conduct charge after he admitted to publicly masturbating in Forbes Library in November. On Nov. 2, a woman reported seeing a male patron masturbating in an aisle while watching a woman through the bookshelves to a Forbes Library employee. The employee then called police.

When an officer arrived at the West Street library, the man was still there, “sitting on top of a stool looking through a shelf of books.” The officer approached, identifying the man as Stephen P. Graves of Northampton, noting in a report on the incident how Graves “became extremely nervous and apologetic.” Graves reportedly admitted to touching himself for an hour while looking at a woman through the bookshelves. He added that “he was sorry and that he would leave immediately,” according to the police report. Graves was issued an official notice of trespass from the library as well.


No wonder they’re trying to get rid of all those books by Balzac. Although, this guy probably could’ve gotten away with it if he just told them that he was there to read Jackin’ the Giant Beanstalk. I’ll see myself out.

So let me get this straight (no pun intended). If you piss in a bush at a tailgate party, you have to register as a sex offender. But if you literally get caught mid-stroke while making tummy pancakes at the Northampton Public library, you pay a $125 fine and it goes away? Yup, that makes TONS of sense. Oh well, at least Stephen Graves finally got the happy ending he was hoping for.


First of all, the real crime here is that this guy was wacking it for an hour and hadn’t climaxed yet. How long until the cup of Northampton hand chowder was finally cooked? I can’t say I can relate to being in a predicament such as this, but I would imagine that this is one of those in and out situations. You pump the stump a couple times, you get the job done, and then you go back home to your wife. It’s your average Tuesday in Northampton.

I dunno, I just don’t get the public jerk off guys. I feel like they’ve seen one too many Brazzers videos. In real life you’re not supposed to have sex in public, unless you’re at a Buffalo Bills tailgate party. Those are the rules we all agreed to live by. But at least with public sex it’s kind of fun to watch. But there’s nothing fun about watching some old clean the rifle on top of a stool in the library. If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where you have to ask yourself, “Should I beat off here, or wait until I get home?” The answer is almost always gonna be, “wait until you get home.”


Not the first time this has happened either. Just last month a security guy at a San Diego Chargers football game was badgering the witness for the world to see while staring at the cheerleaders:

Yea, not a good idea.

Oh yea, and what’s up with Masslive censoring all their comments?


Bro, it’s a story about public masturbation in a public library. The entire story is obscene and indecent.

Anyway, my last question is, how do you get caught doing this by a cop? Don’t they have radios? Don’t you sense their presence in the bookstacks? It’s a library, which means it’s quiet as can be. You gotta be really, really into the butter churning to not notice a cop coming up on you before you could get a dishonorable discharge.


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15 Comment(s)
  • Justice
    January 11, 2017 at 7:38 pm

    That’s disgusting. That guy isn’t right. Definite predator. Hey, how come we never heard about the Chargers security guard on TBS? He was SOOOOOOO obvious. What a tard.

  • Hot cheerleaders
    January 11, 2017 at 4:40 pm

    Give it another few years, it will be accepted in public like eating. Depends on what the PC rule makers say.

  • Speaking about in the Can
    January 11, 2017 at 4:18 pm

    This is where I get all of my credit card PIN information from.

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 11, 2017 at 7:11 pm

      Fun Fact – If you hover over this gravatar you will notice a familiar name of a retired worcester officer. Even funnier is he’s using my profile picture on my Guy Stumpman twitter account.

      Hey B. You should use my picture from my other twitter account.

      • FiestyLawyerLady
        January 11, 2017 at 8:53 pm

        Fun Fact: He also used a picture of my dog up there and posted as “Phil Swift from Flex Seal”

        What a creepy stalking fuck BobnMic is. Hiding from the blog but saving pictures of my dog lmao.

        On a side note, it could also be Marie Guilmette. The cunt probably got the DSS visit…. I wish I could be a fly on that wall.

        • FiestyLawyerLady
          January 11, 2017 at 9:01 pm

          It definitely isn’t the same account that BobnMic uses, as if you go back to older articles, his avatar is still the same one he always uses. So, he either made another account with “bobmichele” as the username, or it’s the fake account Marie Guilmette used to stalk him with for months and pretended to be him.

          I guess I will just start making accounts for her on FB. Brockton Hub, here I come. BobnMic is next.

          • best of luck finding out
            January 12, 2017 at 8:58 am

            you two have no idea who is doing this do you? yet you are free to throw out names and make threats. i feel bad for this dude who ever he is. what is the deal and who the hell is bobnmic. i am not new to the blog but new to comments. i just read this one area and said holy shit no wonder i don’t come down here.

          • Turd Burglestein
            January 12, 2017 at 2:40 pm

            And actually we don’t even give a rat’s ass. It’s mildly amusing at best.

  • Phil Swift from Flex Seal
    January 11, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    I like a handyman in my can!

  • Kevin Lynch
    January 11, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    My 9 iron is rock hard….

    • Kevin Lynch's Wrinkled Star
      January 11, 2017 at 2:08 pm

      Drive it home big boy. You can’t miss a target this big

  • BobnMic's Tiny Penis
    January 11, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    I got a similar charge one time but it got dismissed because the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.

    • Talisman
      January 11, 2017 at 12:50 pm

      Come on BnMTP, we all know you get stiff when there’s a penal code and prison sex in the vicinity.

      • BobnMic's Gerbil
        January 11, 2017 at 1:55 pm

        Or the thought of a tweaked out gerbil having crystal meth convulsions in his dookie chute.

  • Paul Larson
    January 11, 2017 at 12:34 pm

    I got caught using my hard-soft hand on my complete body once… I’m no longer allowed at Big Y… But in my defense, there was a lady, a beautiful lady, in the produce section touching the honeydews… And my once-a-day Cialis was working it’s magic. But right, TB, it only took 2 pumps, cause Master Bator of the hard-soft hand monastery in BigDong China taught me to control my ropes…

    Paul Larson

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