All-Star Criminals

Somerset Sausage Serpent Uses Crotch Fruits As Props To Rob Tiverton Consignment Shop


Tiverton Tots had a local ratchet stop by today with her crotch fruit, who she used to help her herself to a bunch of free shit.

Teaching one crotch fruit how to steal while using the other as a prop is new levels of dumpster sluggery. She actually brought in an old car seat with a 6 month old inside, transferred the poor little poon polyp into a new carseat, and walked out with a bunch of free shit while she showed her four year old daughter how to gank a barbie.

Pro tip – if you have a noticeable tittoo and you plan on robbing a store, don’t wear a tank top because everyone is gonna know who you are immediately. Especially if you’re a world class ratchet with a stripper name. Meet Jade Fernandes from Somerset.

Dog filter. Shocker.

Her Facebook page is of course a cumdumpster cornucopia. She apparently just got off probation.

But sadly for her courts will be a regularly part of her life moving forward. Almost as common as playing the jizz flute for strange men who can buy her groceries.

Her poor daughter is already fucked up enough from being named Skylie.

Just because your mother gave you a stripper name doesn’t mean you have to curse your daughter with the same. Hopefully that poor kid can get the same luck that half of Kate Peter’s litter of children got and find a nice foster family to adopt her.

She can’t afford to pay for clothing or carseats but she can afford a BMW.

So this enabling twatwaffle should probably go ahead and shut her cock kisser.

After people started tagging her in the comments she replied to them individually with a sob story about her house burning down and how she lost her job due to the commie cold.

Listen trampzilla, if you lost your job due to commie cold then you undoubtably benefitted from it because there was no way your ass made more than the $600 a week you collected on unemployment. That doesn’t even factor in the food stamps and other assorted goodies you get from the welfare tree. You can afford a BMW, yet you can’t pay for clothes for your crotch fruits? Nah, you’re not a good Mom. You’re actually horrible and the DCF fairy needs to pay you a visit.

She claimed that she made arrangements with the store to return all the items.

But shockingly that turned out to be a lie too.     

Anyway, if Jade wants to come on the live show this weekend to explain the various ways she dindu nuffin she’s more than welcome to hit me up on Facebook at Clarence Woods Emerson, or email


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35 Comment(s)
  • Ron Jeremy's Son
    June 13, 2020 at 2:07 pm

    Point of order: Fernandes is a Portuguese name. Very common in SE MA. Remember that total piece of ass Jenny Fernandes? (Wonder where she is now. Yowza.)

    Would. She’s hawt. Too bad she’ll only be so for another 3 years max.

  • Chris Sales Elbow
    June 13, 2020 at 12:44 pm

    Gotta be honest.I would tap the brown eye.

  • Mike Lanoue
    June 13, 2020 at 12:36 pm

    Another welfare mom leeching off the system. Wonder how many brown daddies those kids have.

  • Scumrican
    June 13, 2020 at 11:15 am

    This is my daughters cousin . She is trash and it’s sad because her mom was one of the best moms ever . All her siblings are amazing adults ever . I knew since she was 14 she was going to be trash . She lost custody of her first 2 kids at like 15 or 16 . Smh

  • Mushroom Cap
    June 13, 2020 at 8:51 am

    Went to school with her, she loved a group. Rawdog at all times, wonder if she even knows who the father is. What a used up slut.

  • Daddy
    June 13, 2020 at 7:20 am

    I have some cash to help her out with. Leave the kids with the sitter when we meet.

  • JOE peeking
    June 13, 2020 at 5:43 am


  • VP Spiro T Cheney
    June 12, 2020 at 10:45 pm

    I’ve been on a Death Wish marathon since the afternoon today. After seeing all this looting and rioting footage, CHAZ footage, BLM garbage and virtue signalling I needed some refreshment.

    I just finished Death Wish 3. Someone should do what Charles Bronson did in East New York ghetto of Brooklyn: have friend hold a cardboard box full of belt .30 cal ammo, a Browning M1919 machine gun, and walk the streets and just mow down these idiots, rioters, looters, gang bangers, ratchets, and everyone in the CHAZ.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    President Raz of Chaz
    June 12, 2020 at 8:37 pm

    Fuck the po-lice

    • Gordon Sumner
      June 13, 2020 at 10:38 am

      How dare you!!!

  • ames1049
    June 12, 2020 at 7:58 pm

    Before it breeds again, stand her on her head with her legs spread. Once the flies disperse, pour in a bottle of Drano, then finish filling her hole with cement.

  • Billy Joe McAllister
    June 12, 2020 at 7:17 pm

    spic slut thief

    • Bobbie Gentry
      June 12, 2020 at 10:31 pm

      filthy prostitute

    • Somerset
      June 15, 2020 at 8:58 pm

      Nope. Portuguese Slut Thief.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    June 12, 2020 at 6:56 pm

    Where is/are the children’s father(s)?

    Oh never mind. Waste of time asking. The answer is always the same.

  • North of the Border
    June 12, 2020 at 6:18 pm

    Bored work selfish?

    I don’t see a pole anywhere.

  • D. B. Cooper
    June 12, 2020 at 6:02 pm

    I’m shocked.

  • Lipstickhippie
    Lipstick Hippie
    June 12, 2020 at 5:41 pm

    Good lord, those snapchat filters do wonders for ugly chicks like Jade. It’s like having beer goggles without drinking.

  • whatevuh
    June 12, 2020 at 5:38 pm

    I have never met a PR or a black with naturally blonde hair, that’s cultural appropriation ! They want to be white so fucking bad . . . . P.S. anybody can buy a used BMW even black people

  • Crispy C
    June 12, 2020 at 5:12 pm

    Yea I’m gonna say she is full of shit and has no BMW. Her work pic had racks of cigs behind her so looks like she works at a fucking gas station or quickie mart.

    Like I keep saying these fucks have no business having retarded kids. Can’t support themselves financially, no life skills, no real job prospects, now you’re a young mom with kids to raise. Passed on your retard DNA and named it Skeily. That kid never stood a chance.

    This country needs to abort a few million babies a year. Period.

  • Peter Dautel
    Six C’s
    June 12, 2020 at 5:11 pm

    She tricks… posts on skip the games. Check it.

    Gutterslugcumdumpster all the way down…

    Wait! Who’s that knocking at the door? DCF…. answer it.

    I feel for the kids.

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    June 12, 2020 at 4:53 pm

    She uses these little mom and pop shops as training grounds for her kids to steal shit until they are ready to hit the silver tuna: aèropostal

  • Boe Jiden
    June 12, 2020 at 4:47 pm

    She seems reasonable

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    June 12, 2020 at 4:19 pm

    ‘Jade Fernandez’ ain’t sounding white to me.

    • Orion
      June 12, 2020 at 4:55 pm

      Sounds like she got “Ayy, Mami”-ed!

  • Richard Ramirez
    June 12, 2020 at 4:00 pm

    The home security system has already been disabled.

  • Fisted Sister
    June 12, 2020 at 3:48 pm

    She has a daughter named Skylie? That’s the most white ratchet baby name I’ve ever heard. It’s like she was high on dust and not even trying when she came up with it. It’s like saying “I give up, world. This is who I am…”

    • Fixed It For You
      June 12, 2020 at 5:25 pm

      Spanish last name. Nice try because if she was white charges would have been filed.
      If black or hispanic it is their first amendment right to viokently loot.

  • WeRFucked
    June 12, 2020 at 3:47 pm

    Fuck her. If DCF won’t take her kids away when all she can do is steal to provide for them then what the fuck is DCF good for?

    This is a perfect example of an unfit mother. I don’t give a shit if you “love” your kids. That’s not all it takes to be a parent. It involves providing for them, which this fucking piece of tattoo’d shit can’t do.

    Don’t give me the “I lost my job” bull fucking shit story. You should have gotten help weeks ago if your financial situation was so dire that you needed to steal. So nobody is buying your sorry ass lie.

    Go to prison this time you bitch. Your children don’t have a chance at a successful life with you as their (I don’t really) care giver. Fuck You Jade.

    • BLM wannabe
      June 12, 2020 at 4:03 pm

      I’m confused. She’s stealing to support her kids. Judge Feeley in Salem said that was a complete defense to distributing heroin. And isn’t that why everyone loves BLM, because most of its members destroy and steal (loot). You must be against her only because she’s white. That’s rayciss, no? She’s in the majority, which means you’re all wrong. The minority is never right.

      • WeRFucked
        June 12, 2020 at 6:03 pm

        Nope. Don’t care of she is white, black, yellow, or a blonde Puerto-Rican from Mexico. Fucking assholes who shouldn’t be allowed to have children come in a rainbow of colors.
        A bad parent of any race will never get a free pass. Because bad parents are why this country is totally fucked. Cracker, or N-word-with-an-a, if you father children continually without being a positive roll model and providing for those children… FUCK YOU AND YOUR PARENTS TOO BECAUSE THEY’RE OBVIOUSLY ASSHOLES AS WELL.

        And fuck you for responding to my comment. Anyone who questions me is obviously a stupid fucking illiterate asshole.

  • randiguy2006
    June 12, 2020 at 3:34 pm

    White people are SO BAD at crime.

    • MJ
      June 12, 2020 at 10:52 pm

      Jesus Christ LOLZ, of course you’re here today like every day because you LOVE TB! You are fucking retarded…does she look white to you? Does Fernandez sound white to you?? She’s a fucking spic LOLZ, an unemployed, uneducated, unskilled, single mother baby factory with no future plans other than to live on probation and off the system, steal from hard working business owners, take selfies and pop out fatherless children she can teach to help her steal shit from other people. That’s it, those are her only goals in life and her kids will have no chance at any normalcy or stability if DCF doesn’t step in to save them now

  • Grandma
    June 12, 2020 at 3:33 pm

    Come on little jade. Let’s go down to the consignment shop so I can pay you out of this jam. Back in my day I wouldve given them a hummer and called it even. Little skanks these days, so fucking lazy.

  • Mo Vaughn
    June 12, 2020 at 3:29 pm

    The strip clubs need to open up. Jade should be working, not stealing.

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