All-Star Criminals

Spencer Native In Court For Beating Pregnant Girlfriend With Toaster Strudel

Spencer Native In Court For Beating Pregnant Girlfriend With Toaster Strudel

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Here’s today’s Defendant of the Day from the Worcester Courthouse records:

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Savage. We are supposed to be living in a civilized society. We can’t be going around beating pregnant women with toaster strudels. As a matter of fact, I saw we ban them entirely. All these toaster strudel crimes of passion must come to an end!!  I mean, a knife would be one thing, but what is this country coming to when we have people out on the streets beating pregnant women with toaster strudels?

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Here’s my question – what flavor was it? And did she get any of the cream filling on her? Because if it’s just your standard strawberry or chocolate toaster strudel, that’s one thing. But if it’s a limited edition flavor like pumpkin pie, that would be barbaric. Only a savage would waste a perfectly good pumpkin pie toaster strudel.

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In his defense, was the toaster strudel already toasted? Because I feel like it would be a lot more dangerous if it wasn’t. Everyone knows that toaster strudels get all soft and gooey when you heat them up, so they obviously become a lot less dangerous.

I think the least surprising aspect of all this is where this guy hails from:

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I’ve been to the Spencer Price Chopper before. Toaster strudels fly off the shelves in record time there. It’s hard to grow up in Spencer and not get beaten with a toaster strudel at some point in time. Just the facts of life.

Anyway, my biggest question is, who eats toaster strudels anyway? How are these any different from pop tarts? I’ve never had one before and I’ve never been tempted to either, but from what I’m hearing it is up to you to put the frosting on. So why would anyone ever buy something where you have to do half the work? With pop tarts the frosting is built into the tart, and it is delicious. So the bottom line is, if you get mad at your pregnant girlfriend, it is never OK to use violence against her. Especially using a breakfast pastry.

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14 Comment(s)
  • BobnMic
    March 9, 2016 at 1:54 am

    Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: “I know nothing! I was not here! I did not even get up this morning! But I love apple strudel.”

  • March 8, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    Just think what the outcome would have been if he chewed into the shape of a gun. Surely she’d be dead.

  • Warp
    March 8, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    Just gotta say this apple didn’t fall far from the tree…

  • BlackandWhite
    March 8, 2016 at 1:41 pm

    Toaster Strudel is so frickin BAD for you. Ever see the ingredient list (strawberry below)?? W.T.F.?!?!
    That is some nasty sh!t right there. Breakfast – Colrain style.

    Enriched Flour Bleached (wheat flour, malted barley flour, niacin, ferrous sulfate, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), Water, Palm And/or Soybean Oil, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Maltodextrin. Contains 2% or less of: Apple Puree, Corn Starch, Dextrose, Modified Corn Starch, Dry Yeast, Hydrogenated Palm Oil*, Salt, Whey, Strawberry Puree, Baking Powder (baking soda, sodium acid pyrophosphate), Corn Syrup Solids, Citric Acid, Mono and Diglycerides, Sodium Citrate, Egg Yolk, Preservatives (potassium sorbate, sodium benzoate, TBHQ, citric acid), Xanthan Gum, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Polysorbate 60, Guar Gum, Locust Bean Gum, Colored with (red 40, artificial color, blue 1), Sucralose.*Adds A Trivial Amount Of Trans Fat

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      March 8, 2016 at 3:56 pm

      B&W: Sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do. In the end, somethings gonna kill ya, so it might as well taste good. And for the record, I haven’t had a toast strudel in over 15 years.

  • Blue Iris
    March 8, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    I have to disagree, pop tarts are better than toaster strudel. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but they just taste better. If I was going to get hit with some type of food it would have to be a some kind of pasta. Possibly ravioli or angel hair pasta? We should be talking about what kind of food we would use to hit this guy. Maybe a frozen 20 pound turkey or a large can of tuna fish ?

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      March 8, 2016 at 12:42 pm

      I think a survey is in order. Toaster Strudel vs Pop Tart.

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    March 8, 2016 at 11:19 am

    Wooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh there TB. You haven’t lived until you experiencing the warm, gooey and sweet goodness of all that is toaster strudel. Squirting the creamy topping all over its breas, er I mean, top is half the fun. In the olden days, it was the go-to late night munchies for Mrs DM and myself. Getting down to the last one usually ended if fisticuffs. Throwing and destroying toaster strudel should be a criminal offense no matter what it hits. That’s just fd up. :-p

    Get your arse down to the store and experience it. My personal favorite was strawberry.

  • John
    March 8, 2016 at 11:12 am

    Turtleboy, you know i love you. We have had a great relationship since Busgate. If you don’t go out and get yourself some Toaster Strudels right now so you can see how much better than pop tarts they are, I’m going to seriously have to re-evaluate our relationship.

    • gina
      March 8, 2016 at 1:13 pm

      toaster strudels are not all they are cracked up to be…i’m with tutleboy on this one Pop tarts it is for me and much better that strudels 🙂

      but the important issue here is not pap tart vs toaster strudel, it is toaster strudel vs pregnant woman which is just sooo wrong on many levels…i really hope she didn’t get hurt

  • Lightbulb
    March 8, 2016 at 10:51 am

    It would be more dangerous with the hot goo filling getting stuck to her skin and causing third degree burns. Worst that can happen with the frozen one is a black eye.

  • Stephen Bernal
    TheBraveOutside
    March 8, 2016 at 10:43 am

    No, he has clearly never had a Toaster Strudel, Young Townie.

    There is NO cream filling in a toaster strudel. You either have the jelly-like fruit filling or the frosting that goes on top. Cream inside there is not. This isn’t a Twinkie, bro.

  • Young Townie
    March 8, 2016 at 10:36 am

    What disgusts me most about this article is that Turtleboy has never had a toaster strudel and dares to say they are just like poptarts. They are infinitely better.

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