Spencer Native In Court For Beating Pregnant Girlfriend With Toaster Strudel
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Here’s today’s Defendant of the Day from the Worcester Courthouse records:
Savage. We are supposed to be living in a civilized society. We can’t be going around beating pregnant women with toaster strudels. As a matter of fact, I saw we ban them entirely. All these toaster strudel crimes of passion must come to an end!! I mean, a knife would be one thing, but what is this country coming to when we have people out on the streets beating pregnant women with toaster strudels?
Here’s my question – what flavor was it? And did she get any of the cream filling on her? Because if it’s just your standard strawberry or chocolate toaster strudel, that’s one thing. But if it’s a limited edition flavor like pumpkin pie, that would be barbaric. Only a savage would waste a perfectly good pumpkin pie toaster strudel.
In his defense, was the toaster strudel already toasted? Because I feel like it would be a lot more dangerous if it wasn’t. Everyone knows that toaster strudels get all soft and gooey when you heat them up, so they obviously become a lot less dangerous.
I think the least surprising aspect of all this is where this guy hails from:
I’ve been to the Spencer Price Chopper before. Toaster strudels fly off the shelves in record time there. It’s hard to grow up in Spencer and not get beaten with a toaster strudel at some point in time. Just the facts of life.
Anyway, my biggest question is, who eats toaster strudels anyway? How are these any different from pop tarts? I’ve never had one before and I’ve never been tempted to either, but from what I’m hearing it is up to you to put the frosting on. So why would anyone ever buy something where you have to do half the work? With pop tarts the frosting is built into the tart, and it is delicious. So the bottom line is, if you get mad at your pregnant girlfriend, it is never OK to use violence against her. Especially using a breakfast pastry.
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