Hoodrat Heroes

Springfield Snoop Pearson Lickalotapus Announces She “Owns These Streets” After Bail Gets Denied For Sixth Arrest And Arraignment In Two Years

Springfield Snoop Pearson Lickalotapus Announces She “Owns These Streets” After Bail Gets Denied For Sixth Arrest And Arraignment In Two Years

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SPRINGFIELD — Zaida Vega did not disappoint her supporters. “The streets are ours!” the 25-year-old construction worker and alleged drug dealer announced as she was led, handcuffed and shackled, from her sixth arraignment in 24 months. A dozen women and two men waited several hours in Springfield District Court to see Vega, who was arrested early Monday after city police allegedly found a loaded 40-caliber Luger in a car she was driving. Vega had no license for the gun and no license to drive either, according to Assistant District Attorney Cary Szafranski, who recommended setting $25,000 bail on the new charges revoking the defendant’s bail in two open drug cases.

Around 2 a.m. Monday, police spotted several cars stopped on Main Street and blocking traffic. When a cruiser pulled up, Vega jumped into a car and attempted to drive away before being stopped, Szafranski said. The officers recognized Vega, who was arrested twice on cocaine distribution charges earlier this year and has previous drug, assault and motor vehicle charges on her record, the prosecutor said. Because neither Vega nor her passenger, Victor Vargas, of Springfield, had a driver’s license, police called a tow truck. While conducting an inventory of the car, they found a pistol with a defaced serial number hidden behind a spare tire in the trunk, the prosecutor said.

Vega and her passenger offered conflicting stories about who owned the car and how a loaded Luger ended up in the trunk, Szafranski said. Defense lawyer Timothy Bergin said Vega neither owned the car nor realized a firearm was concealed in the trunk.  A construction worker, Vega has strong ties to the community and poses no risk to flee before trial, Bergin said. 

Vega, wearing a shirt with “Empire State Cartel” printed on the front and “Escobar” on the back, showed no emotion during the bail argument. But as she was led from court, she called out in Spanish to her supporters, who responded with a mix of cheers and laughter. Bail was also set at $5,000 for Vargas. 

It’s business as usual in Springfield today. Ahh, can you smell that? Illegal guns, heroin and lazy-eyed queefcookies fresh out the oven. This is Zaida Vega, one of Springfield’s most infamous drug-dealing, illegal gun-toting career criminals.

You probably can’t tell by looking at her, but she stays lit. Surprisingly, Zaida and her clan haven’t been featured here yet, despite the exposure of the primarily female drug ring she was involved in which made news after a heroin bust in November of 2015. Maybe you remember them?

Amongst the drug ring, were her mother, Betzaida, and sister, Myriam. How’s that for a family business?

Hey, we all make mistakes. You live and you learn, right?


You have your run-of-the-mill lawbreakers who fall into the thug life, and then you have people like Zaida, who dropped out of her mom’s crotchwagon armed with a loaded gun and a kilo. (If you have 15 hours to kill, take a peep at – one of her many – Facebook pages. They’re a goldmine for total and complete ratchetry.)


So, how do you tell the difference between a shitstain who fell too far down the rabbit hole and a gutter rat whose mother could have used the good ol’ steeled-toed cunt punch at conception? Simple – count how many people attended your arraignment party at the courthouse. If you see your mother with a proud maternal glow in the twinkle of her eye, you’re the latter.

I know when I go to court for drugs, guns and assault, I invite my family and friends to cheer me on during my appearance. Ain’t no shame in my game. There’s no need to feel humiliated while shackled and being hauled away to jail, just yell into a crowd of supporters like a proud activist standing up for what’s right. The only thing to be truly embarrassed about is getting popped for something elementary like stealing clothes.

Seriously. If you’re going to exercise your right to a five finger discount, make sure you hit up a Bank of America, not your local Rainbow’s. That’s rookie shit.

Store owners rejoice, you’ve got 90 days to strap down those new Jordan’s. Don’t worry Zai, there’s plenty of swizz army skanks holding down your streets while you’re gone. They got you, fam!

Poor guy in the background just realized he was going to be on Turtleboy someday because of these two. Sorry, dude.

I can’t end this without asking one simple question. What do all ratchets have in common?

You guessed it..

Flat-brimmed Bulls hats, 100 emojis, and dog filters. How my hair look?


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28 Comment(s)
  • Ritak
    October 13, 2017 at 12:19 pm

    Omg. Those rabbit teeth.

  • Not wearing a flat brimmed bulls hat
    October 13, 2017 at 8:50 am

    i like spooky chicks who appear as star trek’s worf in ratchet lineups

  • Chip Striker
    October 12, 2017 at 10:40 pm

    I hope the next time I read about her it’s her obituary.

  • JoeMomma
    October 12, 2017 at 4:02 pm

    Can you buy the streets with an EBT card?

  • The Vorlon
    The Vorlon
    October 12, 2017 at 2:04 pm

    This needs the Soviet solution: a round in the head, a bill to the survivors for the bullet.

  • October 12, 2017 at 1:59 pm

    Please stop flashing your IQ.

  • October 12, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    Could somebody tell her to stop flashing her IQ ?

    • kiley
      October 12, 2017 at 6:56 pm

      you tried so hard to be funny

  • Don
    October 12, 2017 at 12:56 pm

    She’s as ugly as a barrel full of assholes.

  • Paul Casale
    October 12, 2017 at 12:32 pm

    She would be cute…if she was a boy!

  • Rich
    October 12, 2017 at 10:39 am

    Springfield celebrates diversity!!!!!

  • kim sullivan
    October 12, 2017 at 10:32 am

    Damn,Alicia Keyes looks like shit

  • Gordon Yell
    October 12, 2017 at 9:05 am

    I wonder where she works. She has a lot of bling and nice clothes and the wheels!…wow. What a pathetic life/existance. Waking up every morning (or afternoon) to hit the streets. I would be willing to bet if they traced that gun, they would find a connection to many unsolved street killings in that lovely city of Springfield.

  • Lily
    October 12, 2017 at 7:46 am

    If she had a dick as long as those teeth, she’d be a hit with ALL the ladies.

    • chrissy
      October 12, 2017 at 8:05 am

      lmao she is a perfect Halloween month ladycreature

  • Lily
    October 12, 2017 at 7:42 am

    What do all ratchets have in common? Yes, 100 percent emojis and flat brim hats, but also no job, bathroom selfies, ugly ass Mr. T. jewelry, zero vocabulary and communication skills, no goals, warrants and arrest records, friends you so warmly refer to as “niggas,” absentee father, titi ho mother, 800 pairs of sneakers, not including the formal pairs you wear to church or a homey’s funeral, several unregistered guns, Hennessy, etc.

    October 12, 2017 at 5:27 am

    Her eyes look like overused assholes.

  • chrissy
    October 11, 2017 at 11:14 pm

    hey look, kids! it’s MADtv’s own Firemarshall Bill!!

    • chrissy
      October 12, 2017 at 12:12 am

      correction— in living color’s very own FIRE MARSHALL BILL!

      • Lily
        October 12, 2017 at 7:45 am

        LOL always look forward to your comments, Chrissy.

        • chrissy
          October 12, 2017 at 8:01 am

          ty for making my day/night ily lily <3

  • no name please
    October 11, 2017 at 11:10 pm

    Don’t ask.. but the picture where this dyke is sitting on the counter of what looks like a bathroom.. It’s the girl’s bathroom inside the Mardi gras strip bar

  • FlatBrimsAreForRetards
    October 11, 2017 at 10:50 pm

    For the love of god. Buy a hat actually fucking fits!

    October 11, 2017 at 10:45 pm

    BUT; she was turning her life around… she planned on starting college in November.

  • Sloppy
    October 11, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    I love coming on Turtleboy.
    It’s like an online catalog of all the people I’m supporting when I pay my taxes. I get to see what kind of hats I bought them, what kind of necklaces, brand new dungarees, and nice, spiffy tennis shoes.
    And golly, they sure look like they’re having a swell time, too.

    • WTF
      October 11, 2017 at 11:53 pm

      Are these the “oppressed” Puerto Ricans that the girl at Holyoke
      High was talking about?

    • October 15, 2017 at 11:30 pm

      punc arse biatches betta be careful or Sfield Los Cunninglingoos cartel is gonna knock knock and lick your arse before stickin a luger in yo face for facial reaarangement

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