Swedish Dude Makes Bank After Betting Urugay’s Luis Suarez Would Bite Someone On Italy And He Does

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


The internet was abuzz today about Uruguay’s Luis Suarez who took a big ol’ bite out of Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini in what was a 0-0 tie in the 79th minute, in a must win game for both teams. If you missed it here it is:

In his defense, Italian food is delicious. Imagine if he was playing the Chinese? Would’ve been an all you can eat buffet.

Look, my American soccer fan friends have been trying to convince me that this sport is actually gonna become popular in America. Newsflash – we don’t like diving, drama queens, and fake injuries. We especially frown on biting too. Soccer fans are always trying to tell me that soccer isn’t gonna change for an American audience either. That’s fine. Just don’t expect us to watch this shit. Did you see what Suarez did after biting him? Jerked his head back like HE was the one that got fucking hit. Then he sat his clown ass down on the ground and had himself a pity party:


I assume he did this in an attempt to draw a penalty kick. Think of how fucking stupid that is. One of the game’s best players actually premeditatedly bit an opponent in the penalty box in order to make it look like his opponent made contact with his face so that he could get a penalty kick and win the game 1-0. All because he couldn’t score legitimately on his own. Later on in the day Greece beat the Ivory Coast doing the same fucking thing. In a game where goals are so hard to come by, how can anyone take this sport seriously?

Turns out that Suarez is actually a serial biter. This wasn’t his first or even second time taking a big ol’ chomp out of an opponent. He’s done it twice before, but this is kind of a bigger stage to do it in.

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So my question is, how the fuck is he still playing soccer? Nimrods like this get weeded out real early in America. Meta World Peace and Mike Tyson only got one chance. Suarez apparently can bite the shit out of his opponents until he retires.

Oh yea, and did I mention that he is John Henry’s highest paid employee? Turns out he plays for Liverpool, and he’s kind of a big deal in the soccer universe.You think the NBA has an image problem? Imagine Kevin Durant biting his way through the NBA playoffs. That’s basically the equivalent.

In all seriousness though the bite was a microcosm of everything Americans reject about soccer. Italy is probably the most soccerish soccer team in the world. If you like, diving, whining. Euro-weenies, then Italy is right up your alley. That’s why when I first saw Spaghetti-Lasagna doing this:


….I thought it was just standard soccer whining. Look, if you cry wolf a million times you can’t be mad when no one believes you got bitten by the wolf. The whole thing then spiraled into a giant shitshow. In an American sport the Uruguayan players would get as far away from the scene of the crime as possible. But it’s soccer, so of course the South Americans kept following the beauty queen around trying to get her to cover up the giant Uruguayan hickey she had on her shoulders:

enhanced-1277-1403632928-27 Brazil Soccer WCup Italy Uruguay 428411_herol

And you thought LeBron’s crampgate was dramatic. My question is, what fucking language are they speaking? Because I have a hard time believing they learn Italian in the Uruguayan public schools. Seems like it’s just a bunch of soccer weenies shouting non-sensical loud noises at one another.

And you know what an American coach would do if one of his player’s did this? Probably say “no comment.” Not with South Americans though. Uruguayan coach Óscar Tabárez,  denied any knowledge of Suarez’s actions and even defended him by saying he receives undue criticism from “certain media,” suggesting that the video of Suarez’s bite is subjective.

Ummmmmm, subjective? He fucking bit a guy. How the hell is that subjective? When you open your mouth and dig your teeth into someone’s skin that’s what a bite is.

And so instead of deflecting the question and trying to talk about the game, Tabarez decided he was gonna go ahead and defend the hungriest dooshnozzle at the World Cup:

“If we see he is going to be attacked, which has begun at this press conference, we’re going to defend him.”

I know right? It’s weird when reporters ask you why your star player, who has a history of biting for some reason, decided to go ahead and bite someone else in the biggest of stages. Like, don’t you guys wanna hear about all of our great passes and dives? What is your obsession with this whole biting thing? In Uruguay this is pretty standard. Why I bit my wife right before this press conference.


Then he threw this one in there:

“This is a World Cup. This is not about cheap morality/”


Cheap morality? Huh? I literally have no fucking clue what this statement is supposed to mean.

You know what the best part about this all was? You could actually bet going into this game that Luis Suarez would bite someone. The odds were 174 to 1 on Well apparently some Swedish guy who of course is name Mats Johansson, put down a cool 10 kronor on “Yes,” as in, yes Luis Suarez will bite a mother fucker from Italy:

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“Hahahaha! THANKS Suarez to you again bet a player o thanks for 1750 profit”

Apparently he was one of just 39 people to actually make this bet, which makes me think – how the fuck did I miss that one? Was this the most obvious prop bet in the history of the world? I’m sorry, but if you’ve bitten ANYONE before, then at most the odds should be 10 to 1. What percent of the adult population has ever bitten someone? Like 0.0001%? And Suarez had done it twice already? At 174 to 1 how do you not bet at least 100 kronars on that shit?

I have no idea if he plays in the next game or not. If it were the NBA or NHL he’d be cooked. But this is FIFA and these guys are crooked as shit. I assume he plays and luckily for everyone they play Colombia next. Colombia has great cocaine, but I heard their food tastes like shit.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.




3 Comment(s)
  • Robert
    July 14, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Damn for someone whose so american and hates ummm “soccer” you sure waste a lot of time writing about it. Go watch your American Football, with overweight fat asses in pad. Wait a sport where the highlight are commercials. You dolt!
    BTW Germany is # 1

    • Beetle
      July 15, 2014 at 4:26 am

      The only thing i took away ftom your comment is that you enjoy looking at overweight asses.

  • Eric L
    June 25, 2014 at 8:04 am

    1750 krona = $262

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