All-Star Criminals

Tequila Tommy Jefferson Gets Arrested For Showing Up Shitfaced To Elementary School For Revolutionary War Reenactment For Kids


This is Dennis Cormier from Dracut.

As you can see, he likes getting dressed up like famous historical figures and doing re-enactments for your crotch fruits. Except there’s just one problem – he also likes his Fireball.

Wicked Local:

In fairness, what do you think they were doing at Valley Forge to keep warm? My man really wanted to give the kids a taste of what revolutionary times were like so he got white girl wasted and was ready to talk about killing some redcoats when a nosy teacher who couldn’t mind their own Goddamn business had to play hero.

Seriously though, what a moron. How you gonna let the teachers come to your car to help you when you know you’ve got a bunch of open Keystone Lights? And when the cops got there things got more hilarious:

When Neeley asked Cormier if he had anything to drink, Cormier told him he only had coffee, according to a police report. Neeley then observed Comier put his hand into the right pocket of his vest, the report states. When the officer asked him to remove his hand, Neeley reached into the pocket and retrieved an empty nip of Sea Ice vodka. Cormier consented to a breathalyzer test and blew 0.205%, police said, and his eyes were “glassy and bloodshot.” A fifth of liquor and a tall Budweiser can were in plain view in Cormier’s car, Riter said.

I mean, you gotta be pretty shitfaced to reach for the nip of vodka in your pocket AFTER the police arrive. You also have to be a raging alcoholic to get drunk on straight Sea Ice vodka at 10:30 in the morning.

They confiscated his guns too!!

The Boxford Department of Public Works assisted with removing Cormier’s war-related items, including a musket and other military relics, Riter said. 

Fuck you England!

It gets better….

Arraigned before Judge Allen Swan at Haverhill District Court, Cormier — still wearing the majority of his re-enactment costume — was released on his own recognizance. He was ordered to submit to daily alcohol screenings and wear a SCRAM alcohol monitoring device while his case is pending.

Yes, thats right – he wore his war reenactment uniform in court. Sadly in Haverhill that was the least shocking outfit warn to court that day.

I’ll give this guy one thing to his credit – he is a model drunk.

Following his arraignment, Cormier was transported back to the Boxford police station because he was still drunk, Riter said. He remained at the station until 3 p.m. and took an Uber back home.

“He was a gentleman the whole time,” Riter said. “It’s an unfortunate situation. I hope he works it out and gets the help he needs.”

Of course he was a gentlemen. My man here is in the Continental Army, not some militia.

Seriously though, I hope this guy gets the help he needs. He has no criminal record and has been doing these reenactments for years now, and by the looks of it kids really enjoy it. Just take it easy on the Fireball George Washington.


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68 Comment(s)
  • Burlington girl
    March 16, 2020 at 10:02 am

    Is this dennis from Burlington? He is one of the funniest guys I ever had the pleasure of knowing if it is. Always a laugh. Sorry he got in a jam.

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    March 10, 2020 at 10:00 am

    Benedickhead Arnold.

    How did you lot ever beat the British? 🙂

  • John Ford
    March 8, 2020 at 2:48 pm

    Has no one seen south park? Give em the shmors shnapps he’ll be fine

  • Jack
    March 6, 2020 at 11:23 pm

    Another drunk wacko with kids involved. Santa Claus too?

  • Renfroe
    March 6, 2020 at 4:19 pm

    The school principle is an asshole
    He should have just given the old timer a ride home and prayed the guy didn’t piss his pants in the front seat
    Nobody likes a fucking rat

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      March 10, 2020 at 10:17 am


      You probably should have paid more attention at your school. 🙂

  • Jimmy G
    March 6, 2020 at 4:12 pm

    I would have paid big money to see him in court in his costume
    That’s priceless

  • Rich A
    March 6, 2020 at 2:53 pm

    Dennis Cormier rules!

  • Austin
    March 6, 2020 at 12:06 pm

    I assume they only arrested him for public intoxication as they didn’t see him driving the car and the keys were not in the ignition. He could have been in the parking lot drinking. Not a DUI.

  • Truth
    March 6, 2020 at 9:47 am

    This guy is defended but the black teacher was pilloried. Thats why trolls throw out the racism card.

    • Samuel Adams
      March 6, 2020 at 4:15 pm


      The black teacher was a violent savage who can’t control himself yelling and screaming at the police while Shit faced drunk

      Get your facts straight you ignorant asshole

  • Susan B Anthony
    March 6, 2020 at 9:05 am


  • phillip j mckracken
    Ricky in Rutland
    March 6, 2020 at 6:46 am

    So they confiscated his guns for being drunk in public? Hmmm. I suggested a few weeks ago on this blogs that cops confiscate first, no questions asked, and then make you fight to get your guns back. The thin blue line gang told me it wasn’t true yet here is yet another case of confiscate first. Guns off the street right guys? GMAFB

    • DudeRanchStripClub
      March 6, 2020 at 8:29 am

      Funny, the things that happen when you show up to a school shit faced, dummy.

      • phillip j mckracken
        Ricky in Rutland
        March 6, 2020 at 12:16 pm

        Anything “to get guns off the street” and “go home at the end of your shift” right? Screw the Constitution, especially in this state. Keep your gun grabbing mitts off of my fucking guns, Officer

      • phillip j mckracken
        Ricky in Rutland
        March 6, 2020 at 12:18 pm

        What does one thing have to do with the other? Dummy

        • Carlos Q
          March 6, 2020 at 4:09 pm

          Please thank your mother for licking my balls last night
          She was the best

        • Think, It’s Free.......
          March 8, 2020 at 8:50 am

          No matter what we say to you, you’re still going to be a complete moron
          Let’s give the guy who is drunk his rifle and bayonet back
          What could happen?
          You are a moron

    • Curious George Washington
      March 6, 2020 at 9:27 am

      Did they confiscate guns from his home or the inoperable one(s) he brought to the show? I can’t imagine these shows use live weapons.

    • Renfro
      March 6, 2020 at 4:06 pm

      Suck my dick you liberal piece of shit

  • Silencio Dogood
    March 5, 2020 at 11:35 pm

    When i was in school we had a class called American History. Not American History month or American History dress up, but a curriculum that taught us about the interrelated progression of history. They did not pick and choose items to appease any particular group. If it was truly historic it made the cut. Had Clucking Chicken run for President in 1940, she would have been honorably mentioned, without taking the focus off the actual election. It was a good thing.

  • Pogo The Clown
    March 5, 2020 at 11:30 pm

    He was just entertaining the young lads.Staff overreacted.

  • Haverhill Landlord
    Haverhill Landlord
    March 5, 2020 at 11:06 pm

    It was obvious that he was drunk when he began his presentation with “Four score and seven beers ago…”

  • Samuel Adams, Brewer, Patriot
    March 5, 2020 at 7:44 pm

    What did he do that was wrong?

  • ChipChipperson
    March 5, 2020 at 7:41 pm

    Yeah well you know who never got drunk in a public school? King George III.

  • farquar Beasley IV (power shitposter)
    March 5, 2020 at 7:23 pm

    Alcohol doesn’t have any smell. It’s the hops, barley and other “stuff” that you can smell on your breath. The answer is to drink a clear spirit (or white spirit! – perhaps not) such as vodka.

  • Ray Patriarca
    Dr. Bob
    March 5, 2020 at 7:21 pm

    Two letters:
    And you find them in the very, very beginning of the phone book !

  • Soccer Mom BJ
    March 5, 2020 at 7:12 pm

    I actually like this guy (looks like the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island) and I’ve always been a huge advocate for getting shit-faced drunk, but dude….at least wait till lunch, and do it in a way so that you won’t wind up in the newspaper.

  • Crispus Attucks
    March 5, 2020 at 6:56 pm

    I like to down some Henny before the show.

  • Red Star Cafe Bemis Rd Fitchburg
    March 5, 2020 at 5:24 pm

    Looks kinda like the guy who clogs our toilets.

  • Amanda Sawyer
    March 5, 2020 at 5:12 pm

    I would have driven him around town.

    • Crystal Laviolette
      Happy Happy Meal Yo
      March 7, 2020 at 3:43 am

      Amanda, share your fries dammit! He’s YOUR SON after all! Although I don’t think he’d share with his girl cuz he hates women.

  • Beenadick Arnold
    March 5, 2020 at 5:11 pm

    At 0.205% most people look like they’re trying to walk in a Cat-5 hurricane, he must have decades of experience being pickled to even stand up without keeling over. Keep this Bayzo away from kids and the drivers seat before he winds up hurting someone.

  • Bob Murchison
    March 5, 2020 at 5:04 pm


  • Richard Ramirez
    March 5, 2020 at 4:58 pm

    Whats the address of the woman who dropped the dime? Does she live alone?Any dogs? Asking for a friend.



    • Kenneth Bianchi
      March 5, 2020 at 7:00 pm


    March 5, 2020 at 4:34 pm

    On April 18, 1775, Isaac Davis of Acton kissed his wife and children “good night”. He was a farmer and blacksmith, and with the start of spring, there was lots of hard work to do. There were no machines, this work in the rocky New England soil was tough, and sleep came easy. In the middle of the night, the alarm came, that the redcoats were coming. He gathered his neighbors, said farewell to his wife, and went to Concord. The Brits were burning the town, after having killed other men in Lexington . The British infantry was securing the bridge, and to stop the Brits from burning the town, the militia would have to take the bridge. Isaac had equipped the men of Acton with bayonets, and were best suited for offensive action against the aggressors. He led the attack against the British infantry, and was shot and killed. He is memorialized as the first leader to die in action against the British, with the minuteman statue, and as the symbol of the National Guard. He must have known that squaring off against the British infantry, as the leader of rebels, marked him for death. He knew he wouldn’t see his family again. That’s what we memorialize, and recognize that our freedom is paid for in blood.

    • prof. Cuntface
      March 5, 2020 at 7:16 pm

      In 1770, Crispus Attucks, a black man, became the first casualty of the American Revolution when he was shot and killed in what became known as the Boston Massacre.
      All victims of the Massacre, Crispus Attucks, Samuel Gray, James Caldwell, Samuel Maverick and Patrick Carr, were buried at Granary Burying Ground in Boston.
      Joe Biden claims he was there

      • Ur not woke
        March 6, 2020 at 2:42 am

        You’re a stupid cunt. He clearly said Isaac Davis was the first LEADER to die. Crispus Attucks was the first one killed because he was engaging in TNB and the British were sick of him chimping out.

        • ANGRY GIANT
          March 6, 2020 at 4:07 pm

          Crispus and Isaac are both American heroes. Both knew the risk of confronting British infantry. Both knew that the rewards from conflict would go to other people. They both moved forward towards danger, knowing the righteousness of their quest for freedom.

      • John Adams
        March 10, 2020 at 2:18 am

        No, he was shot in the Boston Massacre, not the Revolutionary War.

    • Hugh Mungous
      March 6, 2020 at 9:09 am

      I will be doing the Tough Ruck again this year, Walking the battle trail in Concord and Lexington is a humbling experience.Thank you for that intelligent post, I hope this old boy gets his shit squared away.

        March 7, 2020 at 9:27 am

        Hugh! I had to look up your event. 26.2 miles through Minuteman Park, Concord, and Lexington, while wearing a weighted field pack. It’s a charity fundraiser for military families. Sunday, April 19. This is awesome!!!!

        March 8, 2020 at 3:00 pm

        Hugh, I signed up to be a volunteer at the event. See you there!

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    March 5, 2020 at 3:56 pm

    So the dude’s a boozer. He needs help. At least he’s not robbing stores and passing out in public bathrooms like the ‘disease’ idiots

  • Samuel Whittemore
    March 5, 2020 at 3:46 pm

    Big deal. I was stone cold sober and 80 years old in 1775 when I took on Earl Percy’s 47th Regiment of Foot single-handedly. I killed four before those bastards shot up my face, stabbed me, and left me for dead. Joke’s on them, though. I lived for another 18 years. Fuck the lobsterbacks.

  • Woke sooner/better Than U.
    March 5, 2020 at 3:41 pm

    I am getting a real sense of racial overtones in this reporting. Throughout the article there were subtle subtexts of how much Whitey loves his alcohol. I’m a little surprised that you didn’t run a sidebar about Otis Campbell. Can you BE any more racially charged than this?!

    • Woke soccer mom
      March 6, 2020 at 2:46 am

      It’s racial undertones.

      Could you please donate to my GoFuckMe to feed starving children in Africa?

      • Woke Out
        March 6, 2020 at 3:09 pm

        You racist bully. It is overtones. The Undertones were an African-American acapella group from the early 1970’s. If you were a little more woke, like me, you would have bought the Undertones cassette tape. I even overpaid for mine!! So stop trying to over-overcompensate for your deficiencies.

  • Well, No Shit
    March 5, 2020 at 3:29 pm

    It takes both balls and brains to be a historical reenactor and presenter.

    No excuse for DUI/OUI, but it seems like this guy is a pretty cool dude. If he’s guilty, suspend his license, as proscribed, and sentence him to a program. Next case.

    March 5, 2020 at 3:29 pm

    What surprises me the most about this story. they still teach kids about the Revolutionary war in public indoctrination camps. It surprises me because winning the war against a tyrannical government is what led us to the U.S. Constitution. which so many people want to pervert and destroy. Or destroy out right. Mostly those people are sjw teachers and admins who’s perversion trickles down to the children. You know the type of people, the Democrats.

    Fun fact! the U.S Navy was started to protect American merchant ships from muslim pirates! Even our forefathers knew those assholes were trouble. Which is funny because the democrats love of muslims. Guess they forgot that muslims were recruited by nazis into the SS durning ww2 as well.

    Dude I’m sorry it’s been almost 275 years since the war and Congress is still paying you in alchohol. I guess the whiskey tax that was put in place after the war in which a bunch of you nuts almost mobbed Congress over, was not such a big deal after all?

    On a more serious note. Donald J Trump reminds me of Washington in a way. That’s why I will be voting for him come November. Both had no political background and hated politics but stepped up to the call because their country needed them! Like Washington I bet Trump does not want to serve a second term either. He probably wants to retire like Washington wanted but wont because he knows as Washington did. that the country would erupt in chaos and be invaded soon after!


  • Curious George
    March 5, 2020 at 3:20 pm

    So, is this the Petco drunk? They look alike.

    March 5, 2020 at 3:06 pm

    Going up against the British army took fortitude. I just wish whiskey was the form of liquid courage, not that commie vodka.

  • hartf811
    Winston Churchill
    March 5, 2020 at 3:02 pm

    “A woman drove me to drink, and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” – W. C. Fields.
    Don’t ask me for my own.

  • Spic Tormentor
    March 5, 2020 at 2:55 pm

    He should tar and feather the cunt that ratted him out.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Ben Franklin
    March 5, 2020 at 2:53 pm

    In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria.

  • Nadia Yenraek
    Nadia Yenraek
    March 5, 2020 at 2:45 pm

    When you’re arrested while the court is open, you don’t get to post bail at the police station. They bring you right to court. So since he was arrested in his uniform, that’s what he would have been wearing when he was arraigned. They don’t let you go home and change.

    • hartf811
      Whats that smell?
      March 5, 2020 at 3:50 pm

      Fuck! I guess I need to cut back on drinking and driving around in my Teletubby suit. At least I’m not the purple one that’s queer.

      • murdochpatsymcreynolds
        Big Bird
        March 5, 2020 at 4:03 pm

        purple ones a fuckin faggot

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    March 5, 2020 at 2:45 pm

    Hey TB come on. Seems like a decent guy who just fucked up. Some of these people don’t deserve to be shamed beyond the police log.

  • Hugh Mungous
    March 5, 2020 at 2:32 pm

    The Royal Navy was built on Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. No wonder why we kicked fheir ass. This guy must’ve been a Loyalist. ( For those in Bristol County it means someone who fought for England who lived here in the states)

  • Sea foam vodka
    March 5, 2020 at 2:27 pm

    It will get tossed…he wasn’t operating the vehicle when they found him and he could use the ” I drank when I got here ” excuse.

    • Jewbag
      March 5, 2020 at 4:42 pm

      I agree, depending on statements he may have made to the police. A good lawyer should get this broomed.

      • Jewbag
        March 5, 2020 at 7:42 pm

        And when I say a good lawyer, of course I am talking about a Jewish one.

        I may be a lowlife anti-Semite shut-in, but I am no fool.

        Speaking of reenactments; my mom will be reenacting the Whore Of Babylon behind the dumpsters of the Auburn Mall this weekend.

        • Jewbag
          March 5, 2020 at 9:35 pm

          I didn’t know Johnnie Cochran was a pork dodger. When Sanders is elected, anti-semitism will take on a much more aggressive form in the Middle East. He doesn’t care about his own.
          Hopefully Israel can stand on its own but I have my doubts.

          • Jewbag
            March 6, 2020 at 1:28 am

            Nevertheless, come on down to the dumpster behind the Auburn Mall this weekend and see my mom, there will be no political rhetoric there like my last lame ass comment, mom is all business.

            Yes siree!

      • Tired Schtick
        March 6, 2020 at 11:12 am

        Is tiresome at this point.

        • Tired Schtick
          March 6, 2020 at 1:40 pm

          But don’t stop!

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