All-Star Criminals

The Cumrag Kid Breaks Into Car, Steals Kid’s Football Cards, Sells Them On Offer Up In East Providence While Awaiting 4 Felony Arson Charges  


This is Dakota Cronin from East Providence.

And as you can tell from the chin strap and junkie eyes, he’s still mad at his Mom for putting a lock on the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, and to the surprise of nobody he steals shit and resells it online like a fucking idiot.

Turns out the OP wasn’t the only one who’d dealt with this maggot before, because last year he set a dude’s boat on fire.

Word on the street is he’s out because of commie cold.

Wouldn’t want this able bodied shitbag to get the sniffles. He could run out of tissues!

According to the Rhode Island judicial portal he was indeed arrested for lighting a boat on fire, and is being charged with four felonies for arson.

But he’s not JUST an arsonist. He’s also been arrested for larceny from a vehicle in Barrington.

And in Smithfield.

And in Portsmouth.

Possession in Providence.

And visiting a common nuisance in Providence.

So he’s a real shitbag of all trades.

When he’s not committing crimes he can be found showing off his wrinkled shades next to the dying plant that has become a metaphor for his life.

Hangin with Dope Sick Donnie in the bathroom.

Smoking blunts with the chin strap mafia.

Doing this.

Chillin with the topless Keystone Kids whilst ripping butts in an apartment where 30 racks and bedsheets double as curtains.

Dropping the n word and keeping it 100 as much as possible.

Ironically taking issue with other people who steal.

Whining about snitches, despite probably being one.

Giving shoutouts to his stepdad for hooking it up with the free ferry tickets to Block Island.

Bragging about that one time he drank some tequila.

I remember my first drink too.

Celebrating his new “bangin ass job” at “chef shit,” which comes with “dope ass health insurance,” so he can grind.

Just not too much grinding, because it could interfere with his night job of stealing little kid’s football cards and selling them online.

He also excels in the art of long winded, virtue signaling Facebook posts about how he’s got life by the balls now that he’s put his ratchet days behind him.

“I look back on everything I accomplished in life…”

Listen Nebraska, the only thing in life you’ve accomplished is figuring out how to avoid a bad batch of Diego’s new product, and snitch your way out of all these charges you’ve had on you without doing jail time. Your “fair share of mistakes” isn’t in your past, it’s in your present and your future. You’re the kind of asshole who lights boats on whose life goal it is to catch a charge in every town in Rhode Island.

Anyway, he ain’t no dumbass because he “switched up and don’t fuck with you,” and doesn’t have dumbass tattooed on his head.

But he probably should.


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39 Comment(s)
  • T.R.
    November 14, 2020 at 6:15 am

    I’d give the sis a push in the tush.
    Buns up, head down with that hair all splayed out, yupYUP.
    Not a thing wrong with curvy.

  • P Disguisee
    Pistachio Disguisee
    November 12, 2020 at 11:50 am

    Just another wigga doing wigga shit….(Yawn)

  • Observer X
    November 12, 2020 at 11:33 am

    He’s got that Derek Carr type of thing going on. Minus the athleticism, moral sense, and any ability to get chicks.

  • Snowflake Hunter
    November 12, 2020 at 9:50 am

    This douchebag is 100% product of the shit teachers that teach in our SHIT SCHOOL SYSTEMS. I don’t think he’s able to speak or write a complete sentence in English. If he has a 50 for an IQ I’d be surprised. The future of our country? God help us!! Fuck this politically correct shit….unless we can’t eradicate this type of DNA from our country we are doomed.

  • Shit Recognizer
    November 12, 2020 at 7:09 am

    If it looks like shit,
    If it talks like shit,
    If it smells like shit…
    That’s Dakota…100 SHIT.

  • Ray Patriarcas Consigliere
    November 12, 2020 at 2:10 am

    Boss we need some answers….

  • Two Patch Crappy Jack
    November 11, 2020 at 9:52 pm

    Another asswipe in the game of life, he’ll be dead in 3 years. Fuckin chode…

  • Catholic Guilt
    November 11, 2020 at 8:13 pm

    I have to admit, I took a look at the inter web to see more of the sisters pics. My type, for sure. After reading a presentation she put together about her life for a psychology class?, she has been through quite a few things and I know way too much about her. Makes me feel guilty for taking advantage of girls like this back in the day. I wish her well.

    • LMAO I still jerked off to her pics
      November 12, 2020 at 1:50 pm

      I found that page too. but don’t feel guilty at all. More like wondering why the fuck someone would post all of that personal shit online for the whole world to see lol…

      She’s talking about her body developing during puberty, first pubic hairs, first sexual encounters, etc., and also it looks like part of a school project?! lol wtf kind of school is she in where they want you to write about that type of shit.

  • Reactionary
    November 11, 2020 at 8:13 pm

    I can’t believe we’re losing our society to these dregs.

    It’s one thing to get outflanked by the Blitzkrieg or rolled over by the Russian Bear…but surrendering polite society to noodle armed junkies? That’s on us.

  • BTTF
    November 11, 2020 at 8:11 pm

    Who are you calling Spook, Peckerhead?

  • Get more better at Englishing
    November 11, 2020 at 6:59 pm

    An vesus And. Learn the difference.

  • Khomeini
    November 11, 2020 at 6:56 pm

    America! Are you ready yet to make some ugly examples to reset order?
    Dakota with no hands and thrown into the street would solve a mini crime wave.

    • Durka Durka
      November 12, 2020 at 10:23 am

      Chop chop square is a great deterrent to thievery

  • Nimrod's Son
    November 11, 2020 at 6:39 pm

    He’s got his own name tattooed on his arm, just in case he forgets it. Probably fucks his fat slutty sister too.

    • Chris Tranos
      November 11, 2020 at 6:52 pm

      His sister is a dirty whore that fucks for crack rocks
      it’s raining in rockport

  • just passing through.
    November 11, 2020 at 6:20 pm

    Hopefully this moron will run into someone who is armed and not wanting to put up with this idiots crap,, if the court system wont take care of the problem maybe a 357 will.

  • Cheddah
    November 11, 2020 at 6:09 pm

    Let’s hope that guns and ammo sales have shot up as much as they have in MA.. Hopefully soon he’ll break into a new gun owner’s home with a chip on his shoulder..

  • whatevuh
    November 11, 2020 at 5:44 pm

    He is not a chef, he’s a fucking cook, and probably a lousy one at that. Anybody can buy those “cooks” outfits. I wouldn’t let my dog eat anything this loser made . . . .

    • zamfir
      November 11, 2020 at 7:02 pm

      he’s actually a dishwasher
      his facefuck page says he loves to suck cock

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    November 11, 2020 at 5:20 pm

    Alvaro, what are you asking for the tennis shoes? Christmas is coming and my Bruce has been hinting about a new pair!

  • Confused Carl
    November 11, 2020 at 5:09 pm

    Is that a white fella tryin’ to appear like a black fella?

    • "Heels up" Harris
      November 11, 2020 at 6:54 pm

      he’s a thieving little faggot, his mom sucks black cock

  • EmfnT
    November 11, 2020 at 4:29 pm

    Props to Alvaro Souza for confronting this piece of shit and getting his son’s cards back. I used to live near GBV and my son’s bikes used to get stolen out of the yard all the time. The last time it happened I had had enough. I drove into GBV from the Clark St side and there were two WPD cruisers sitting there chatting. I stopped and told them I was going to retrieve my kid’s bike. They smiled and told me “Good luck”. I drove around till I saw the bike leaning up against someone’s front steps. There were a couple of 20-somethings working on a car and I walked up to them and told them politely but firmly that was my son’s bike and I’m taking it back. They looked at each other, then looked at me and just nodded. The best part was when I started rolling the bike away, a little girl about 7 years old said to me “That’s Tito’s bike”. I said “No honey, this is (son’s name)’s bike and I’m bringing it back to him.

  • Done with this shit
    November 11, 2020 at 4:12 pm

    If you have taken a selfie in a public bathroom, you have already labeled yourself as an epic loser. Just give up

    • Chris
      November 14, 2020 at 10:40 am

      Ugly bitches will do anything for some good lighting

  • Dr Wu
    Dr Wu
    November 11, 2020 at 4:11 pm

    Ummmm….I coulda sworn he called her his LITTLE sister. The street poison must be fucking with his eyesight.

  • If Diversity is Our Strength Why Not Accurstely Report What Diverse Animsls Do
    November 11, 2020 at 4:07 pm

    Will kafe news globe publish the race of the filthy spic/nagger who (allegedly(drove a stolen vehicle and attached a stolen plate and then drove the wrong way and crashed into an ambulance on tbe Mass Turnpike last night. Lil monkey ran from popo who tried to stop him. I know I know calm down because its his culture. His culture supercedes civilized culture

  • Hugh G. Rection
    November 11, 2020 at 4:04 pm

    Is that the picture of lil sis?
    Mmmmmmm she thicc

    Wood and would

    • Judge dread
      November 11, 2020 at 4:12 pm

      I just spooged to her FB pics. Nice thick legs and possible A+ titties under there. Just wish she would show a little more. I will keep investigating, hopefully she has some nudes out there.

      The Judge has spoken, case continued!

  • Spic Tormentor
    November 11, 2020 at 4:03 pm

    100% of people who get their last name tattooed on themselves end up in jail at some point.

    P.s. His beefy sister must be real popular with the niggеrs

  • Thanks to all the Veterans!
    November 11, 2020 at 3:50 pm

    He looks the gayyy! Actually, they both look like they got bit by a gay bug that has aids.
    The sister, like the rest of the broads in the world today, need to stop watching transvestite makeup tutorials on the tube. You all look like trannies! It’s very hard to discern a woman wearing makeup vs a tranny wearing makeup because even if you are a woman with a bean, you still look like a dude with a pickle tuck that wears makeup.

    I am a man with no heart but I wanted to give a big thank you to all the VETS out there. Thank you all for your service and sacrifices! Please remember that just because you’re not in the service any more. it does not mean your oath to this country is null and void.
    I’ve got your six because I know you’ve got my six. A special thank you gos out to the Never Again Volunteer Yourself crew and the Devil Dogs too.

  • Milo
    November 11, 2020 at 3:45 pm

    Nobody told this guy about black culture, and why the white man needs to stay far away from it. “The talk” for white people. George Wallace was right about segregation.

  • Joe, from Joe's Abortion Clinics Inc
    November 11, 2020 at 3:42 pm

    Dakota, if your mommy will bring you in Thurs Nov 18th, we have a BOGO on Rebirth Abortions. For you 2, $Fiddy. Bring (4) 5 gallon orange buckets each, sit back, relax, let Joe’s do the wet work.

  • Boston Irish
    Boston Irish
    November 11, 2020 at 3:24 pm

    Wiggers, LMFAO

    • Boston Irish
      Boston Irish
      November 11, 2020 at 3:50 pm

      Homies drinking keystone light.
      Fuckin white trash

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    November 11, 2020 at 3:18 pm

    100% of people who get their last name tattooed on themselves end up in jail at some point.

    P.s. His beefy sister must be real popular with the blacks

    • Spic Tormentor es un abusador de niños
      November 11, 2020 at 4:06 pm


  • randiguy2006
    November 11, 2020 at 3:10 pm

    White people.

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