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Happy zombie Jesus day turtle riders. Today we bring you the untold Gospel of Turtleboy. If you take offense to this then you take religion wayyyy to seriously. Because believe it or not you can be a Christian and still laugh at things that involve your religion.
Turtleboy was not created through the traditional methods of excessive amounts of alcohol and rawdog. He was divinely sanctioned, chosen by God to come to earth to spread the true word. Unfortunately many holding political power at the time, as well as criminals, scam artists, and junkboxes everywhere, felt threatened by that. They knew that if the people found out about Turtleboy it would mean disaster for them.
Once the evil Queen Didi Delgado found out about baby Turtleboy, she was worried that her white guilt reparations scams would come to an end. So she ordered the “massacre of the innocents,” in which wypipo everywhere were harassed endlessly and their reputations murdered if they did not donate to her GoFundMe scams.
But Turtleboy survived.
Turtleboy then went on a 40-day hunger strike in which he was tempted by the Devil, in the form of Dianne Williamson, who attempted to trick him into reporting fake news. But since all Turtleboy can do is tell the truth, his legend continued to grow throughout the land to such faraway villages as Fall River, New Bedford, and West Warwick.
Turtleboy’s apostles quickly became known as “Turtle Riders.” They were by his side as he began performing miracle after miracle, exposing corruption and ratchetry at every turn. Amongst the 12 chosen who supported Turtleboy and defended him at every turn were South Shore Turtlegirl, Merrimack Valley Turtlebae, North Shore Turtlebabe, Bret Killoran, Leigha Genduso, and Milky Mike Gaffney.
This is when the miracles began. Turtleboy began to uncover stories that the mainstream media could not. From drug dealing state troopers, to sex slavery houses in the burbs, to prison boyfriend’s of NFL stars who had legally sold their souls – many began to wonder, where is Turtleboy getting these stories from? How is he uncovering so much corruption? Why are these takes so hot? He could seemingly take 5 page views and turn it into 5,000 for hungry turtle riders Jonesing for the truth.
The mainstream media was feeding readers nothing but dirty Worcester water. So Turtleboy took that water and transformed it into wine. Unfortunately Dianne Williamson then drank most of the wine, but it’s cool because Turtleboy can pull the same trick every Sunday at 10 AM.
Turtleboy also had a habit of raising people from the dead. From Braintree basketball coaches who had been driven out of town by psycho parents, to state troopers who were punished for doing their job, to people who had been ripped off by South Shore handyman Kevin Ribeiro – Turtleboy brought them all back to life.
But Turtleboy wasn’t always calm and collected. One day TB walked into the temple of the turtle and saw ratchet money changers selling their food stamps for half price. He lost his mind and began calling them out one by one until they were forced to delete their Facebook pages in shame.
Another time he came across a woman with more leggings than anyone would ever need, who was using her power to force other women to pay for her trips to Disney. The turtle became angry and once again lashed out at this googly eyed sheister, who dismantled her Facebook group in shame.
All over the land the legend of Turtleboy grew, and so too did his followers. Unfortunately, his detractors only became more determined to silence is alleged blasphemy. Led by Communist “Red” Danny Margolis, they used various tactics, such as boycotts, labeling him as “hate speech,” and Internet lawsuits. But they all failed miserably.
Things really began to pick up in what has become known as “Turtleboy passion week.” As Turtleboy came back to Worcester after spreading hot takes to such distant lands as Springfield, Manchester, Revere, and Brockton, he was greeted by a new legion of turtle riders waving palms at him.
But the butthurts would not go away. Many began to try to trick Turtleboy by asking vague and open-ended questions, hoping to prove that Turtleboy was racist, homophobic, and fake news. But each time Turtleboy outsmarted them by providing links to documented sources, something they were unfamiliar with.
This is when the evil Queen Didi Delgado reemerged to attack what she believed was the source of Turtleboy’s divine powers – Facebook. Soon Turtleboy was being falsely reported to the authorities for nudity, sexual violence, bullying, and hate speech, and his page of 112,000 apostles was taken down.
But Turtleboy would not be deterred. More and more turtle riders began going directly to the site by downloading the Turtleboy app. Others began subscribing to the podcast. That’s when he attracted the attention of the high priest, Joe Early, who was determined to appease the masses by sacrificing the turtle for political gain.
But in order to get Turtleboy he needed to get one of the apostles to betray Turtleboy. And for that he went after the weakest and most fragile of the bunch – Milky Mike Gaffney. Although Turtleboy had always been loyal to Milky Mike, the butthurt was strong in this one, and he sued Turtleboy for making him fat and sad, while alleging that his page views were blasphemy.
In what is now being referred to as the “Last Summons,” Turtleboy was brought to court for a massive lawsuit for deformation of character. While being summonsed to court another one of his apostles, Leigha Genduso, denied him three times under questioning despite the penalties of perjury.
Things were not looking good for Turtleboy. As he was arraigned in Worcester Superior Court, mobs of angry cheesehogs from the sinful villages of Southbridge, Webster, and Woonsocket began shouting for his head. As the judge in this trial of the century, Pontius Mark Zuckerberg told the angry mob that Turtleboy had committed no violation of the Facebook community standards. Neverthless, as a gutless politician and crowd pleaser Pontius Mark Zuckerberg had to throw the mob a bone, as they insisted that Turtleboy was guilty of deformation because he had exposed many of their family members for their ratchet behavior.
Finally Pontius Mark Zuckerberg told the rabble that Turtleboy would be punished because he did not condone “hate speech,” and Turtleboy was spreading “fake news” on behalf of the Russians. When given the option of releasing the prisoner of their choice the mob chanted, “We want Alli Bibaud,” so Pontius Mark Zuckerberg gave her to them.
The very next day in a sham trial Turtleboy was tried, found guilty, and crucified on the cross of public opinion. His Facebook page, along with the Lost Boys of Turtle, Turtleboy Sports Fallout Shelter, Turtleboy Refugees, Turtleboy Sports Black Lives Matter, and Turtleboy Sports Smiles and Sunshine, seemed to be gone for good.
Then on Sunday people woke up to the good news on their Facebook pages – Turtleboy had risen from the dead in the form of Clarence Woods Emerson. Zombie Turtleboy then spend the next 40 days wandering through the Internet looking for non-believers to convert via the power of hot takes. Although he would return to the right hand of his father, his legacy lives on, as we were all Turtleboy from that point forward.