All-Star Criminals

The Women’s March Was A Steamy Dumpster Fire Parade Of Fupasloths And Celebrities Whose Goal Is Apparently To Lose Again In 2020

If democrats wanna win in 2020, all they need is 75,000 voters in 3 states to switch parties. Today’s women’s march was a good example of how to NOT achieve this end.

4ba27317-991b-4352-b70d-f489eadcfdef (1)

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Our Facebook page is suspended again, so make sure you to LIKE THE LOST BOYS OF TURTLE Facebook page to keep up with our latest blogs.

Our Facebook page is suspended again, so make sure you to LIKE THE LOST BOYS OF TURTLE Facebook page to keep up with our latest blogs.







It’s really, really simple. Donald Trump is the President because 75,000 people in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania who voted for Obama in 2012, ended up voting voted for Trump in 2016. That’s it. All the democrats have to do to take back the White House in 2020 is convince 75,000 people in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania to vote for their candidate instead of voting for Trump again.

But instead, it appears as if they only want to gather with other like minded people in large groups and convince themselves that they are under assault. That’s what happened today all over the country as part of the “women’s march.” Millions of women all over the country gathered in various cities to protest…something. Guess what every single one of them had in common? They all voted for Hillary. Not one person marching today voted for Trump. I mean, just look at these women:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 9.44.45 PM

Sixty year old, upper middle class white women, from the pricey Boston suburbs, more than likely with hyphenated last names. This was Hillary’s base. Obama won overwhelmingly twice because he built a coalition of working class, black, white, hispanic, urban, and suburban voters. He won states like Indiana and North Carolina because of it. States democrats never win. Hillary couldn’t attract those people. But she had these chicks:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 9.44.45 PM

So that’s good. But how does this help bring those 75,000 people to the democratic party? Spoiler alert – it doesn’t.

A great way to make sure your coalition doesn’t grow is to make sure that all women aren’t welcomed:


Yea, sorry, but if your opinion on abortion differed from that of the organizers, then you were kicked out. Because I guess the millions of women in America who happen to be anti-abortion rights aren’t really women. They’re some sort of closeted transgender males.

Look, I don’t care what your opinion on abortion is. That’s not what we’re here to discuss. I’m just pointing out that this is a strategy that will not help you at all. Your worst nightmare is President. You have to do something different if you want him out. Instead you’re just doing more of the same by alienating people you need.

You’ve obviously learned nothing, but please, keep doing what you’re doing. Keep having Lena Dunham and Mike Brown’s Mom speak at your conventions. Keep banking on elitist millionaires like Madonna, Meryl Streep, Amy Schumer, and Lady Gaga to convince people that you’re the party of the common man. Things are obviously going great for you.

Oh, and the speakers today made a lot of strong points that probably convinced many of those 75,000 people you need to switch sides. Like this one from Madonna:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 6.30.04 PM Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 6.29.26 PM

Blowing up the White House. Perfectly normal. I know there’s a bunch of women in Wisconsin who heard that and said, “ya know what, I voted for Trump this time, but now that Madonna says she wants to commit an act of terrorism at the White House, I’m gonna switch my vote in 2020.”

Or how bout Ashley Judd’s amazing speech today. Just watch this clearly sane, rational woman recite some sort of demented poem about Trump having wet dreams about his daughters:

“I am not as nasty as your own daughter being your favorite sex symbol, like your wet dreams infused with your own genes.”

With supporters like this, how can you lose? I know there’s at least a few thousand middle of the road voters in Pennsylvania who watched that speech and said, “I can’t vote for a guy who has wet dreams about his daughter. This changes everything. What have I done?”

If you haven’t watched that video, seriously watch it. She rails on about all of the following:

  • white privilege
  • her blood-stained bed sheets she had to throw away after her period
  • the unfairness of millionaires like her having to pay taxes on tampons
  • black people in prison in shackles and braids, simply because they’re black
  • “Hitler is in these streets. A mustache traded for a toupee. Nazis renamed the cabinet. Electro conversion therapy the new gas chambers shaming the gay out of America, turning rainbows into suicide notes.”

This is how democrats expect to take back the White House? Where are all the sane democrats telling them to stop? I know you’re out there because I’m friends with a bunch of you. Trump is Hitler? Gas chambers for gay people? People cheered for this. They went nuts. They genuinely loved it.


And I’m sorry, but how is the unemployed worker in Michigan who lost his job because his company outsourced labor to Mexico supposed to relate to this? Is this supposed to get him or her to come back in 2020 and vote for the democratic candidate? Because that’s literally the ONLY way to get rid of Donald Trump. You tried the whole, “find every annoying nutjob and give them a microphone” thing. Didn’t go too well. Might wanna switch it up.

Oh, and this was convincing:

“Why were the female actors paid less than half of what the male actors earned?”

So, is the independent voter from Wisconsin looking to pay his or her mortgage next month supposed to feel bad for Jennifer Lawrence because she didn’t make as much money as Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook?

Oh, and speaking of Jennifer Lawrence, she’ll be the first to explain why the “gender pay gap” exists in Hollywood:

“I failed as a negotiator because I gave up early. I didn’t want to keep fighting over millions of dollars that, frankly, due to two franchises, I don’t need. There definitely wasn’t any foul play involved on Sony’s part. They’re not going to give somebody more money, if they don’t ask for it. There was no foul play from the men or anybody making that movie.”

Ya see, actors and actresses submit bids when they audition for roles. They let the producers know how much money they’d need to be paid in order to perform in the movie. Jennifer Lawrence admittedly is a “failed negotiator” who “gave up.” She didn’t want to haggle over a few million dollars that she “doesn’t need.” Her male counterparts obviously weren’t that nice to the studios who will make hundreds of millions off her movies. And as she pointed out, they’re not gonna pay someone more money if they don’t ask for it. The gender pay gap isn’t because of sexism. It exists because women like Jennifer Lawrence aren’t as cutthroat as their male counterparts.

But none of these facts matter at rallies like this. Because the people at these marches don’t care about facts. They only care about emotions. And people like Ashley Judd evoke these emotions by making up lies like this:

“Even when we do go into higher paying jobs, our wages are still CUT with blades, sharpened by testosterone.”

Her wages are lower because they’ve been cut by sharpened blades full of testosterone? Yea, that’s what happened. Either that or they just “gave up early” like Jennifer Lawrence said they did.

Then there was this:

“Why is the work of a black woman and a hispanic woman worth only 63 and 54 cents of a white man’s privileged daughter.”

Wait…..what? Now they’re shitting on white chicks? I thought this was about bringing women together. Because it sounds a lot like they’re trying to make white women feel bad about their salaries. Ya know, because of racism and stuff.

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

“Our pussies ain’t for grabbing. Our pussies are for our pleasure.”

Yup, talking about your pleasureful pussy is definitely a winning strategy to get 500 Michigan voters to jump ship to the democrats in 2020. Look, if Donald Trump tries grabbing your pussy, I promise you right now that I will kick his ass. No shitting you. Secret Service be damned. I will not stand by and let him grab your pussy. Problem solved.

And that woman in Scranton, PA who voted for Trump because she was worried her husband would lose his job down at the plant – yea, I’m sure she wants to hear more about eating your pussy.

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 9.44.11 PM

Because that’s a convincing argument that resonates with the 75,000 blue collar voters who turned this election in Trump’s favor.

Oh, and more fupasloths up front please:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 9.44.38 PM

Because that chick definitely makes me wanna switch teams in 2020. Sign me up.

Oh, and the media being complicit is definitely helping with headlines like this:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 6.02.45 PM

That was a interesting wording for a headline. But the fact of the matter is that these marches today got INSANE media coverage. Ya know what won’t get the same coverage? The march on Washington in six days. Ya know, the one that’s been going on for 40 years for women and men who oppose abortion rights. The one that is significantly larger than the march in Washington today on an annual basis. It’s almost as if Trump has struck a chord and resonated with voters when he pointed out the elephant in the room that we can all see – the media is full of shit.

The best part about today was the fact that when you looked out in the audience all you saw was this:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 9.47.03 PM

And this

And this:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 1.22.23 PM

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 1.22.02 PM

And this:


It’s hard being an upper middle class white woman in America. They might as well have called this the Million Menopause March for White Women. That’s why up on stage this is what you saw:

Screen Shot 2017-01-21 at 1.19.28 PM

Because the only diversity was with the speakers. Of course this was done intentionally, knowing that the cameras would be on the speakers, not the audience. See, women of all colors, creeds, and religions are united over……something. We’re not quite sure what that is, but there’s a shit ton of them so it must be important. And they’re marching. Except in Chicago where there were too many of them so they all stood in place. These same women who all hate Donald Trump disproportionally watched this reality TV show. And they all disagree with his positions on gay marriage, maternity leave, and the war in Iraq. Oh wait, no they don’t. They actually agree with him on all of those. But nevertheless, the march must continue, because as Ashley Judd pointed out, he is in fact Hitler.


Anyway, you know which president no one protested against? Bill Clinton. Even though he was accused of sexually assaulting countless women, and used his position of authority to get braindead 24 year old interns to exercise their polepolishers in remote closets in the White House. But I guess as long as he inserted cigars in their pussies, rather than grabbing them by them, it’s all good in the hood. Nothing fraudulent about that. Nothing at all.

The bottom line is anyone who went to this is a joke. Sorry, but it’s true. You fell for it because you didn’t think it through. You acted on emotion instead of reason. And more importantly, Turtleboy is trying to help you out here. You’re really good at getting Trump elected, so we’re trying to help you make sure that doesn’t happen in 2020. And the only way to do that is to get those 75,000 people in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania to change their minds. The shitshow that occurred today is the exact opposite of what you should be doing in order to achieve that end.




We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

4ba27317-991b-4352-b70d-f489eadcfdef (1)

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM



Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook"Click

33 Comment(s)
  • Mac
    January 23, 2017 at 2:12 pm

    If you look at the 4.1 million world wide, it is not made up of privileged white women. Ashley Judd did NOT write that poem, a 19 year old student in Tennessee did. Judd just read it. Watch the original, be open minded to a woman’s point of view while doing so. The Women’s March was for all human rights and equality. The right to choose and not have the government govern our bodies is part of that, hence the request that anti-abortion people realize that is not a stance being marched for. It was also on behalf of Blacks, LBGT rights, Latinos, Muslims etc. rights and equality. I don’t understand why anyone would get upset about it. The straight white man who has never had to protest for rights and equality seems to be the one that is being super sensitive to the March more than others. Is it because women are the majority and it makes them uncomfortable to see us unite, organize and protest without one issue or arrest nationwide?
    There are tons of ppl that regret voting Trump already, check out the hashtags of ppl who regret their vote.
    I guess I’ll just chalk up your article to you having “alternative facts” than the rest of us.
    Research is a good thing.

  • Reddog
    January 23, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    I’ve always liked Ashley Judd,thought she was very attractive in her movies and a very good actress. But after listening to that rant,I instantly can’t stand her anymore. What the hell goes on in her head to make her talk like that? Wtf. Very disappointed.

  • Adey J.
    January 23, 2017 at 10:30 am

    Trump succeeded in getting more overweight women to walk in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years…

  • Publius
    January 22, 2017 at 10:37 pm

    This is fact. I have never seen so many woman upset at one time. About being included with this bunch. Women literally losing it because they so disagree with this, especially on FB. Apparently they feel they have their own voice and guess what? they are right.

    • Chris
      January 23, 2017 at 10:15 am

      If Carly Fiorina was sworn-in as the first women President Friday they’d still march.

  • Phong
    January 22, 2017 at 9:26 pm

    Not one of those woman made sammich’s.


  • BobnMic's Gerbil
    January 22, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    Smashley judd looks like she’s about to swallow something big and black in that youtube still shot there. I’m talking about that microphone.

  • whatevuh
    January 22, 2017 at 7:52 pm

    The Struggle Is Real . . . . . the real struggle is that cow trying to wipe her ass after taking a dump

    • BobnMic's Gerbil
      January 22, 2017 at 9:04 pm

      I wish BobnMic would wipe before taking me out of my cage.

  • Cat Vomit Tango
    January 22, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    The Trigglypuff doppelganger has her ass on backwards.

    • Original Turtle Girl
      January 22, 2017 at 8:36 pm

      I spit my drink.

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 22, 2017 at 9:09 pm

      Urban dictionary needs that picture to properly illustrate what a gunt is.

  • Entitled want more
    January 22, 2017 at 2:44 pm

    They should take a trip over to Iran or the other Muslim countries to see how women there are treated as possessions and used. They’ll never give back to America, just trash it. This while they have affirmative action and all the other government perks that go along with it.

  • wtatnuckgangsta
    January 22, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    “her blood-stained bed sheets she had to throw away after her period”

    Just an FYI to the ladies out there on this one. If you pre-treat that stuff for a bit before washing, it comes right out. Most detergents can handle organic stains without a problem. If you’re a nasty woman who leaves that shit on that sheet to dry for a week though, well…you may have to scrub a bit harder.

    Source: Never lost a sheet to the morning Japanese flag surprise as a 13-year-old figuring out the new routine. Also, I learned my cycle well enough to be prepared and not make a mess. I also learned pretty early on how to contain that stuff and not leak like a loose faucet. If you’re breaking the damn and flooding Bed Town every month, get a doctor on that. WTF women.

    And what does this have to do with the presidency anyway?

  • WHAT?
    January 22, 2017 at 12:13 pm

    Is that Trigglypuff?

  • Enlightened
    January 22, 2017 at 11:38 am

    You know what march I was part of? I was part of the 30 million woman march that happened on November 8th. That was the march to the polls to vote for Trump.
    A million Hillary supporters march to cry about losing? Yeah, I’ll be voting Republican in 2020 too.

    • Chris
      January 23, 2017 at 10:10 am

      Me too. Who do you think will be the D-party nominee in 2020?

      What scares me more after this “v@gin@ march” is the possibility of a Democrat becoming Governor in 2018. Even though I’m not happy with Charlie Baker bowing-down to the super-liberal Legislature too much I might have no choice but to actually vote for him this time if he runs for re-election.

  • U.AndoreBobnMic
    January 22, 2017 at 11:08 am

    I apologize for my ignorance, but since I don’t have kids running around everywhere, I just discovered last night that planned parent hood clinics don’t just cater to abortions. They also provide other medical services that are purely beneficial for many women, that overall help the integrity of the community. My feminist friend yesterday explained it to me logically and calmly, and I agreed with her that I hope some federal cuts aren’t done for such services. From a social wellness point of view it may make it harder for many poor families out there (or baby daddy momma couples) get the medical benefits they deserve. Never mind the repercussions for being irresponsible; nobody (for some strange reason) gives a damn about that these days. Still, I agree with my friend. Now why didn’t the hordes of other third wave feminists I know ever explain it to me clearly like that? Oh yeah, that’s right: they are so spiteful that they can’t articulate rational arguments anymore

    • Pro-Life FEMINIST
      January 22, 2017 at 2:50 pm

      However, this argument is flawed because poor families all over the country qualify for a little something called Medicaid, which will pay for them to be seen at other OB-GYN practices. Practices that do NOT provide tax-payer funded abortions and then sell of the body parts. Practices that don’t donate MILLIONS of dollars to the campaigns of liberal presidential candidates. Do you not think that is a conflict of interests? That a tax-payer funded organization then goes and donates money to a political candidate? Planned Parenthood DOES NOT NEED money from the taxpayers to exist. Let them pay for abortions on their own dime. And stop feeding into the lies that PP does a lot of good. Poor women on MEDICAID can go get their papsmears and mammograms around the corner at Reliant at St. V’s.

  • WHAT?
    January 22, 2017 at 10:56 am

    My God! So many Maura Healey voters in one place!

  • 1776
    January 22, 2017 at 9:52 am

    I feel bad for the ones cleaning up all the trash and propaganda. Guess it’s beneath these “women” to clean up after themselves.

  • Woody
    January 22, 2017 at 9:50 am

    There is no danger of these deluded people changing to any winning tactics because that means you get no personal attention or credit.

    Winning and opportunity come disguised as anonymous hard work, and lots and lots of long hours of it. That’s not for this crowd. Hashtags and protest selfies and smashing OTHER peoples’ property is and will stay that way.

  • Joe Shmidlap
    January 22, 2017 at 9:11 am

    What has happened in this country is really unbelievable…you almost can’t debate with these liberal hippies because they will just keep coming up with more none sense.

  • ElJefe72
    January 22, 2017 at 7:44 am

    And then they went after the rally to dump all their signs at the Trump tower. Total disrespect and disregard for the men and WOMEN who had to clean that mess up.

    • Pennsrant
      January 22, 2017 at 5:59 pm

      At least it created jobs! See? He IS a job creator! Hahahahahha!

  • Busted
    January 22, 2017 at 3:11 am

    Joanna King Conety would object. Maybe not. Haha.

  • DJ Trump
    January 22, 2017 at 1:47 am

    Yuck. Just yuck. I wonder how many men turned gay today nationwide?

  • John Barker
    January 22, 2017 at 1:30 am

    Bunch of disgusting Dolts is what they are.

  • Wwy
    January 22, 2017 at 12:33 am

    The march for murdering babies the pro-death march on Washington. Didn’t Obama say if you like your baby you can keep your baby,one mullatto at a time. The baby you hold is not your body all these women should of been aborted for the sake of humanity.american fat pigs.

  • CNN Lied To Me
    January 22, 2017 at 12:25 am

    THAT was the best article I’ve ever read on Turtleboy. I, unlike some, actually tried to be open minded and watched the women’s riot/rally with my wife and two daughters.

    I listened to Michael Moore and Ashley Judd speak and my jaw dropped. I told my wife that she could say anything and the crowd would cheer. I thought she was on serious drugs.

    Again, excellent article filled with cogent points. It appears that riot rally was based on emotion for people who needed to vent their frustrations that the person they voted for lost. Sad.

    • BobnMic's Gerbil
      January 22, 2017 at 9:05 pm

      You know who else lied??? BobnMic. That bastard told me he was going to put fresh cedar shavings in my cage and bring home a box of Hartz treats.

  • Anonymous
    January 21, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    Shh Turtleboy… Don’t spread the truth to these liberal zombies! Let them march and think they are heroes that we don’t deserve!

  • ImNewHere
    January 21, 2017 at 11:35 pm


Comment on this Post


White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?