All-Star Criminals

These Two Horse Punching, Police Assaulting, Entitled Trash Bags Are Why The Eagles Will Never Win A Superbowl

These Two Horse Punching, Police Assaulting, Entitled Trash Bags Are Why The Eagles Will Never Win A Superbowl

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Check out Andrew Tornette’s contribution to society, from Philly Voice:

An Eagles fan was arrested for allegedly punching a horse – and the state trooper riding it – prior to the NFC Championship game on Sunday.

That makes it two straight weeks that an Eagles fan has been charged with aggravated assault for allegedly striking a police horse.

The first incident came after a fan was ejected from the Eagles divisional road playoff game. The latter came prior to the Eagles’ 38-7 victory over the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday, a win that advanced the Birds to their first Super Bowl in 13 years.

Police arrested Andrew Tornetta, 19, of North Wales, Montgomery County, after he allegedly struck a Pennsylvania State Police horse twice and then socked the corporal riding it.

The incident occurred around 3:15 p.m. as the corporal attempted to dismiss a large crowd of tailgaters who had gathered in lot M5 at Lincoln Financial Field in South Philadelphia, according to police. 

Tornetta allegedly refused to the leave the area, prompting the mounted corporal to escort him away from the crowd. Police said Tornetta became “verbally combative” and attempted to pry himself loose by removing his jacket.

When the corporal grabbed Tornetta by his sweatshirt, he punched the horse twice on its right shoulder, police said. Then he allegedly hit the corporal in the face, causing redness and swelling. 

Tornetta then began walking back into the crowd, attempting to flee, police said. Fellow mounted patrol officers took him into custody.

Tornetta is charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person and related charges, authorities said.

The incident was similar to another alleged assault that occurred during the Eagles’ victory over the Atlanta Falcons a week ago. 

Taylor Hendricks, 22, of Lehigh Valley, was charged with aggravated assault, trespassing and taunting a police animal, officials said.

He was ejected from Lincoln Financial Field for being intoxicated and not possessing a ticket, according to police. He then allegedly walked up to a mounted officer and punched the horse in the face, neck and shoulder. He was subsequently arrested.

Are you kidding me? Two times in two weeks? All NFL teams have literally thousands of fucked-up fans. That’s not from a scientific poll; it’s readily observable common sense. But only one team has fans – plural – that punch police horses during their tailgating festivities.

They’re also cowards, as they showed us after a Celtics game recently

How much of a douche must you be to miss your favorite team dominate a championship game because you get underage drunk and begin to believe the lies your parents told you about how great you are? This much:

As you may (or more like may not) have noticed, Millimeter Peter here likely has a touch of what we call penis envy, so I can see why a horse would trigger him. Seriously, if your dick is comparable in size to an outy belly button and you simply must show it to the entire interweb, wear looser skivvies.

According to a number of commenters on local pages, Moby Dickless comes from Pennsylvanias version of Cambridge, which means rules aint nothin but a thang.

Apparently folks in North Wales see a horse they don’t like, that horse better get to steppin’. Otherwise they might get rich-boy blood in their mane.


Thats the face of a guy, who when police come to break up a large unruly crowd, tells the crowd to hold his beer while he lets the police know whose sperm he is. Obviously the horse wasnt as impressed as he had expected, so hepunched the horse. In real life.


I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with an alternative response and I came up with this outlandish scenario:

When the officers say to break it up and move along, say “OK officer,” swear under your breath if you absolutely have to, then find somewhere else to go, like, if there was a foosball contest nearby or something.

Alas, no. This is not how Andrew rolls. You want me to move? How ‘bout I punch your horse instead? Don’t like that idea? How ‘bout I punch you, too?

Then you have some of the WORST of the Philly fans. Like the bottom one percent of the bottom one percent. The ones who act like anyone living more than 2000 meters from the stadium simply arent part of Eagles nation.

Mike McBride is WAY tougher than a stupid horse.

Guess what? Doesn’t work that way. It’s why the concept of “police your own” exists. Don’t want to be known for this? Then don’t tolerate it. Fandom is not exclusive. Whether you like it or not he’s part of your ragtag group of losers. Just like we own the Pats fans that do stupid shit.  It’s not the same – AT ALL – as defending them or condoning them. Remember that one time when nobody anywhere ever called Adam Jones a racial slur? The Boston Gob turned that into a story about racism in all of Boston, including the medical community (but not their almost exclusively white staff) and righteous folk from across the planet decided that every Red Sox fan ever are horrible racists. So shut your cock holster, horse punchers!

Being Philly, you also had a number of junior DiDi Douchegados.

Sound out that idiot’s name and let me know what you come up with. To me it looks like I Hate U Yet I Got U.

So the bottom line is that I’m issuing a completely non-sanctioned or approved Shell Shocker Travel Advisory for the Minneapolis area. This DOES NOT mean you should avoid the Annual Patriots season finale. It simply means that while you’re out there remain vigilant and don’t travel alone. There will be thousands of savage knuckle-dragging dingleberries all around you. The advisory is in effect from now until February 5th, when you’ll all be back in Boston anyway watching the duck boats and awaiting a 3peat from a 41 year old in 2019.


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11 Comment(s)
  • JoeMomma
    January 25, 2018 at 2:00 pm

    Usually Eagle fans try to molest the horse rather than assualting it……

  • NYGiantsFan
    January 25, 2018 at 9:00 am

    There is no football team I hate more than the Eagles.

  • Ron
    January 24, 2018 at 9:37 pm

    Thank you! The app is so much better viewing on a phone then your website with all the pop up ads.

  • January 24, 2018 at 8:46 pm

    Thanks for the shout out! But Adam Jones didn’t lie! I heard the slurrr. It echoed so much through Boston that I heard it at a day game even tho it was said at a night game!

  • Philly Yo'
    January 24, 2018 at 8:05 pm


    FOX SCHOOL OF BUSINESS MANAGEMENT September, 2017- January, 2018

    SALTER SCHOOL of BUSINESS, Certificate in Office Operations, February 2018- April 2018.

    Felony Arrest for Assaulting a Police Animal and Police Officer 2018
    Minor In Possession of Alcohol 2018
    Disturbing the Peace 2018
    Public Intoxication 2018
    Resisting Arrest 2018

    Seeking an Entry Level position as mail-sorter, at US Post Office. May, 2018.

    Seeking welfare application for “unemployable, due to stupidity” June, 2018.

  • Hugh Jass
    January 24, 2018 at 6:49 pm

    No one is a bigger poseur than you, TB — even DeDe Delgado craps all over you. And you just take it…

  • Egypt Delgado
    January 24, 2018 at 3:33 pm

    Please help me! My dad is a gay ex-convict and all my mother knows how to do is rip off stupid white liberal women, and she’s going to jail for tax evasion!!

    I’m going to be homeless!! Please help!! I’m too young to have been a fat ratchet scamming and thieving cheesehog!!! I’m innocent!!

    I ACTUALLY DESERVE A GOFUNDME!!! Heeeeeellllp!!!!!!!!

    • Hugh Jass
      January 24, 2018 at 6:50 pm

      You are not half the man my pal DeDe Delgado is.

      • TortugaNino
        January 25, 2018 at 9:00 am

        Not being half the man that DiDi is, is a good thing. Doctors recommend males of average height should only be about a third of the man DiDi is.

    • cara.benebig
      Blah blah blah
      January 25, 2018 at 5:19 am

      Leave the kids out of it, asshole.   Crack on the adults all you want.

  • citypoint
    Stan the man
    January 24, 2018 at 3:16 pm

    I remember my first beer.

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