All-Star Criminals

This Is What Happens To The Human Body When You Move To Southbridge And Start Selling Crack Cocaine

"I Am Turtleboy" now available on Amazon

Follow @RealTurtleboy on Twitter by clicking here

Follow Turtleboy on Instagram by clicking here

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Smiles Forever, the newest Turtleboy Sports page and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at [email protected] for more information.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile in Southbridge…..

 


This is Sage Guzman 3 years ago:

This is what 3 years of selling crack cocaine in Southbridge will do to a person:

Especially when you choose to mate with this:

It simply does not get any more Southbridge than Davey Guzman:

That picture is the most Southbridge thing I’ve ever seen. The undeserved self confidence, the glorious belt buckle holding up his jorts, the run down apartments, the bootleg chain, the hardo middle finger, the barely functional Saturn, and a half drunken bottle of Powerade. The most expensive thing in that photograph are the Jordan’s. Because…..Southbridge priorities.

Meanwhile, this is what 32 years of crack cocaine in Rhode Island will do to a person:

I repeat – 32. That man is only 32 years old. But in Southbridge years he’s about 94.

Here’s the best part – she anxiously waited for him to get out of jail for what appears to be a full calendar year:

If you’ve ever reached the point in your life where you’re visiting the Worcester County House of Corrections and you tell yourself that you wouldn’t trade this face for anything in the world:

You know you done made some poor life decisions.

Naturally the first thing she started doing when he got out of jail was to go into a crack cocaine partnership with him. Sage, you should’ve stuck to saving Paris from the terrorists

and working at McDonald’s:

Sure, it might not seem as glamorous as slinging rock out of a Section 8 crack den and meeting up with a Rhode Island crackopotamus in an abandoned parking lot, but it paid the bills. But I guess the allure of this yogurt slinger, coupled with his selfie skills, cash roles, and token pit bull was just too much to pass up.

The lesson here is simple – never, ever live in Southbridge. Because if you do you’ll probably end up going from this

to this.

Nuff said.

54 Comment(s)
  • Nashville1
    March 23, 2018 at 3:21 pm

    Turtleboy, I just love you! Thanks for making me laugh every day.

  • Steve
    March 22, 2018 at 11:07 pm

    People with six figure salaries and seven figure networths walk around with $80 cash on them — because who uses cash? The best way to tell the world you’re poor is to post a selfie where you’re fanning out cash at your dining room table (in your government subsidized apartment) because people who actually have money don’t take selfies with stacks of cash.

  • Vladimir PutinAss
    March 22, 2018 at 1:59 pm

    Sage sweetie. U r so Hott!
    I wanna give u world!
    But you need to wake up! Leave that spic. U want to hav his kid sum day? Bad idea. U guys while split b4 kid turn 4yrs. Then wat he will date other bitchs. U will b single wit his kis kid at home. Or worse.. He’ll cheat on u but u dnt mind cuz u know u the main bitch n not the side hoe.
    Listen point is i would treat u way better! N i dnt sell drugs to. Holla at me Sage.

    • Blackie O'connell
      March 22, 2018 at 7:00 pm

      Sage you are standing( or is it lying on your back ) in the Dumb Bitch Line

  • Vladimir PutinAss
    March 22, 2018 at 1:49 pm

    U know Robbiee baby mom is Courtney Hale. Dumb ginger who brought gun to welfare office. Feel bad for kid. Now both his parents r TB famous.
    Anyway fuk robbie! He is a Profe$sional crackhead.
    Im not proud to say but we weee on tracks smkn rock n i feel something in my pocket. Turn around.. There robbie trying 2 look through my pockets. I was rip shit! He had no answer wen i confront him.
    Oh robbie if u reading this.
    Ha ha ha ha . u fckn loser.

  • Tageman
    March 22, 2018 at 10:56 am

    Did you ever notice how poor people can somehow afford phones,Jordan’s,fancy car accessories,tattoos,hotel rooms 5 minutes from their hovels and ohh yea and they have better health insurance than many of us? How and why?

  • panzer9811
    March 22, 2018 at 8:50 am

    That poor dog!

  • bigdaddy
    March 22, 2018 at 7:22 am

    Its actually kind of sad 21 years old and she is flushing her life away by staying with this shitbag Where are her parents? Probably never even met her father

  • juror seven esq.
    March 21, 2018 at 10:07 pm

    Look at the guy, one picture it’s an Oakland A’s cap, Next it’s a Cincinnati Reds cap. Need I say more? if you ain’t showing Bulls you ain’t the man. I worked in Southbridge 40 years ago when all the teen moms would parade around downtown pushing their love child while on the prowl for the next Mr. Right. Like mister I need it right now.

  • Sloppy
    March 21, 2018 at 9:07 pm

    Wow.
    Those are some hurtin’ units.

  • Sage
    March 21, 2018 at 7:54 pm

    You people need to shut your mouth if you don’t no nuthin Dave is a great man and smarter then you an I hope to have hiz kidz soon Da copz alwayz be hatin on interacial cuples an plantin drugz rag on da pic hahaha itz called a bad hair day like you aint never had one

    • MrSmiley
      March 21, 2018 at 10:00 pm

      You can’t be this stupid can you? He tried getting drugs into jail. Tried selling drugs out of jail. Now you have a record thanks to him. He’s the reason sterilization should be a legal option. Rack up charges? Great. Forfeit your right to bring life into your shitty world.

    • Captain Trips
      March 21, 2018 at 10:17 pm

      Do you suck cock? if so what do you charge?

    • bigdaddy
      March 22, 2018 at 7:08 am

      Can you translate that from ghetto to engish for those of us not from Southbrige

    • Rick Shaw
      March 23, 2018 at 3:42 pm

      You’re a fucking loser and a parasite. Go get your fucking GED so you can earn an honest living cleaning piss dribble off public bathroom floors you fucking parasite. I would bet that you’re some nasty Newport smoking, pin cushion for dicks and syringes. I also bet you have dirty little fuck trophies and you don’t live with their father(s). Overdose soon please and help the movement to cut down on worthless scum and their taxpayer funded phones, cars, rent, crack, mad dog 20/20, Newports, Neck Tattoos, cough medicine, spray paint, freon, etc… When you OD on heroin, please do it in some remote part of Maine or New Hampshire. I don’t want the Narcan Fairy to save your worthless nasty ass.

  • Gallows work
    March 21, 2018 at 7:04 pm

    Trump has the right idea with the death penalty but it needs to be simplified.

    If you get busted with drugs go to court the next morning and if found guilty, boom straight out to the firing squad behind the courthouse and your dead before it’s dinner time for the rest of us.

    After a month of this most of your drug dealers will be dead and buried or so fucking scared they won’t even want to touch an aspirin.

    • vicxh
      March 22, 2018 at 8:25 am

      You are adding an unnecessary step. The penalty should be meted out right then and there by the police. Caught with drugs. Kneel down – boom – shot to back of head.

  • Hardo
    March 21, 2018 at 7:02 pm

    Can’t wait for one of these fine, upstanding individuals to find their way to Holden and blow a tunnel in your head

    • Fuck Ya
      March 21, 2018 at 7:04 pm

      Another internet “tough guy’

      • Hardo
        March 21, 2018 at 7:13 pm

        Oh Fuck Ya don’t push it! I will fuck you right in your ass! You don’t know who you are fucking with! I will fuck you and beat your face while I give you a reach around! I will dress up in thong panties and blow you after vaping a big hit of vanilla/cherry vape you pussy faggot!

        • Lt. Worf
          March 21, 2018 at 7:23 pm

          Is that you, Brian Albrecht?

        • HardoFagWitMomIsdued
          March 21, 2018 at 9:53 pm

          That sounds like private time between you and your mom.

        • Fuck ya
          March 21, 2018 at 10:19 pm

          I’m up for it! Let’s do it~!

        • Fuck Ya
          March 21, 2018 at 10:27 pm

          Cherry vanilla vape? Consider it a date baby!

    • Dick Hertz from Holden
      March 21, 2018 at 10:14 pm

      People like this stand out like a sore thumb in Holden, that’s why there aren’t any rachets like this in town . . . .

  • Riddler
    March 21, 2018 at 6:47 pm

    Q: Why do the Blacks in Southbridge throw their trash out on the sidewalk in clear plastic bags?

    A: So the Puerto Ricans can go window shopping!

  • Screw PC
    March 21, 2018 at 5:53 pm

    Southbridge sucks, but it’s got nothing on Lawrence. Lawrence is apparently on the map now as the supersize hemorrhoid on the anus of America.

    How fucking ratchet does your city have to be, out of all the backwater shitholes in every state of the union, to actually get the attention of – and get mentioned and identified specifically – as a paradigm of all shitholes by none other than the President of the United States?

    Lawrence. That’s how ratchet.

    And all that bloated turd Dan Rivera could say was basically “uh… not everybody in Lawrence is on heroin. You’re creating ‘boogeymen’…”

    Uh, no, ese. Your dirtball constituents are creating boogeymen. Six at a time, at least. For tax purposes.

    Can’t we just make Lawrence part of New Hampshire and let them deal with it? The Manchesteretards won’t even have to leave the state for a fix, so no federal offenses. There you fucking go. Sold.

    Assholes.

    • Captain Trips
      March 21, 2018 at 6:08 pm

      “uh… not everybody in Lawrence is on heroin. You’re creating ‘boogeymen’…”

      Said a 99 year old Southbridge dweller and several ghosts in the cemetery

    • Ding Dong Daddy
      March 21, 2018 at 6:56 pm

      How’s that diversity working out for everyone?

  • Captain Trips
    March 21, 2018 at 5:44 pm

    I wouldn’t fuck that freckle faced train tramp even in the before pic

    Those drugged out yogurt slingers are some desperate dudes

    • Maria
      March 21, 2018 at 6:15 pm

      The pic of Sir Guzman with the Southbridge Salute – the run down shack on the left side is where the Oxycontin comes from – just head on up to the third floor and the landwhale up there will be happy to see ya. Feel free and safe – copshop across the street.

      • Captain Trips
        March 21, 2018 at 6:58 pm

        Do everyone a favor and OD soon

  • J. Mengele 3rd.
    March 21, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    More reasons I love Eugenics. Abortions & sterilizations rock.

  • Stephanie
    March 21, 2018 at 5:39 pm

    The Pittie is the only good thing in all of this. I hope he is with a Good Human who is taking care of him.

  • TJB
    March 21, 2018 at 5:21 pm

    Just wait until his FATHER comes home from WORK…… hahaha(sarc).

    • Captain Trips
      March 21, 2018 at 5:39 pm

      No father.

      No work

  • Brother
    March 21, 2018 at 5:00 pm

    A squadron of A-6’s should strafe Southbridge, Webster, and Dudley for a week straight to get that area back to halfway-normal.

  • Kenny Powers
    March 21, 2018 at 4:52 pm

    Wow, a V-6 Saturn, he is big ballin’.  They don’t even make those any more.

  • LocalYokel
    March 21, 2018 at 4:51 pm

    You can watch these young girls, more than a few of them of above average looks driving up and down the road to the County House all day Saturday or Sunday. It certainly speaks to what the sociologists and psychologists have said about women wanting to mate with a psychopath. It’s pretty sad. Almost a close tie with the elderly mothers who are spending their weekends up at the County House.

    • Captain Trips
      March 21, 2018 at 5:33 pm

      Women like bad men. I learned that from my first girlfriend who dumped my treated her nice ass for some asshole who put her in the hospital several times.

      Hope the broken ribs hurt bitch

      I found a nice woman who liked nice men and thank God I married her.

      I see 39 years later you’re still single.

      Enjoy your fractures. Couldn’t miss you less.

      How are those exciting bad boys working out for ya?

      • vicxh
        March 22, 2018 at 8:27 am

        Are you still punching the clown to thoughts of her after 39 years?

  • Gina
    March 21, 2018 at 4:50 pm

    Love that fucking dog so bad…that SMILE!

  • dick buttkiss
    March 21, 2018 at 4:39 pm

    whenever you see one of these low level guys with a wad of crisp 100’s, it means they are about to go pay the deal for all the drugs that they were fronted. That money does not belong to him, he slang poison to get it, but its all going to a bigger fish

  • Miss Monster (The Hybrid)
    March 21, 2018 at 4:31 pm

    What a lovely bunch lulz

  • HornyForSage
    March 21, 2018 at 4:04 pm

    Sage Marie… WTF is wrong with you? Why do you think that loser is the best you can do? Sure, we all love our “first” – but this guy is going nowhere but down, and he’s taking you with him. If living in Southbridge in a dumpy cockroach infested section-8 apartment, and being on welfare while your baby daddy is in jail for a few years is what you desire, you are well on your way. You are fucking smoking hot. Knock this shit off. YOU CAN DO BETTER THEN THIS PR GRINGO!

    • z
      March 21, 2018 at 4:21 pm

      In 11 years when she is 32, she will look worse than the 32 year old looks at the rate she’s going.

      She is just as guilty as he is, and it sounds like she and him have been together since they were 14 or 15.

      I’m not going to say he is the problem and she is innocent just because she is/was hot.
      It sounds like they’ve been making bad decisions since their early to mid teens.

      Not exactly a “She was young and in love” and met him 6 months ago and because she is white the non-white is obviously the bad influence.

  • MrSmiley
    March 21, 2018 at 3:57 pm

    Surprised you didn’t recognize the name TB. This is the same asshole who got caught with a gun in the Oct 2015 article on here. Clearly jail taught him all he needs to know in life!
    She was a smokeshow. Damn shame.

  • Noseface
    March 21, 2018 at 3:46 pm

    Still would….jus sayin

    • Dr. Cock
      March 21, 2018 at 4:40 pm

      Would, of course.

      But you saw that coming like a sunrise.

    • Captain Trips
      March 21, 2018 at 10:24 pm

      ‘Still would….jus sayin’

      Who – dead Prince?

  • z
    March 21, 2018 at 3:43 pm

    Let’s just say that the money is 20s or 50s and not ones.

    It’s one thing I’ve never understood. It’s a given they are using.
    But, if I was dealing, I’d be living in burbs, commuting to my corner, doing my business, going back to the burbs.

    Drugs are cheaper than they’ve ever been. But how many times when heroin was expensive did they catch somebody on the 3rd floor of some fire-trap tenement where the perp lived with $5K in cash and $5K in drugs.

    WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF MAKING MONEY IF I HAVE TO LIVE LIKE A PIG WITH PIGS?

    Too bad we can’t see the 32 YOs teeth. I’m betting all rotted out.

    The Saturn trunk lid picture. Holding your junk is never a good look.

    Every picture everyone is throwing the bird. To whom? I don’t know you so you aren’t throwing it to me. To your friends? Why, because you drive a Saturn with a V6? Which as a brand doesn’t even exist? You da man!!! Maybe that’s why is holding his dick.
    He has the world by the balls.
    “‘Made it ma! Top of the World!”
    To you youngsters, that was Jimmy Cagney in White Heat, right before the gas storage tank blew up.

  • vicxh
    March 21, 2018 at 3:35 pm

    I would totally – Sage Marie…

    • On my way to Webdah....always stop by at Dudley District
      March 21, 2018 at 4:09 pm

      “holding his junk”….

      hahaha please there is no way that little twerps junk is hanging down there….

      more like holding in an 8 ball so it doesn’t slip past his little weenie onto the ground

  • Rick Shaw
    March 21, 2018 at 3:14 pm

    Hahaha. They could work at the haunted house at Canobie Lake Park. Seriously though, I just wish they would die slow painful deaths.

Comment on this Post

*

RELATED POSTS
White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?