Current events

Time To Start Killing Sharks And Seals At Cape Cod Because We Take What We Want, When We Want

Time To Start Killing Sharks And Seals At Cape Cod Because We Take What We Want, When We Want

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So Cape Cod has officially been taken over by seals, which means the shoreline has officially been taken over by the sharks. Two weeks ago in Orleans a shark ate a seal about 20 feet away from some surfers and it was some Nat Geo shit:


It happened again yesterday in Orleans about 100 feet from the shore:

Two years ago we published quite possibly the most unpopular blog in Turtleboy Sports history, when a bunch of morons tried saving this stupid shark that couldn’t figure out how to stay in the water:

Morons Who Saved Stranded Shark In Chatham Deserve To Be Eaten By A Shark

Because they might technically own the sea, but we own the land. If you come into our neighborhood we’re not throwing you back into yours so you can bother us when we swim.

The seal population at Cape Cod has exploded because hippies don’t want us to kill them anymore. This of course brings in sharks because seals are obviously the most delicious animals in the sea, and now Orleans has turned into the Golden Corral.

Our solution is simple – start killing seals, and if the sharks don’t go away, they can die too. Of course you get a lot of this:

Wrong. It’s our habitat. It’s our house. Because we are human and we take what we want, when we want. If sharks were smart enough to come on land they’d take it over too. But they’re not. We’re smarter than them so we get dibs on the ocean if we want it. Which we do. Don’t get me wrong, they can still exist, they just can’t chill on the shoreline of Cape Cod. It’s a big ocean, and there’s plenty of seals and fish to go around. So go eat somewhere else and don’t eat at Nauset Beach. If they do, they die. End of story.

The logic behind “it’s their house” is so stupid too. The woods belong to deer. Guess we should stop hunting them too. Sure, they’ll reproduce like crazy and a bunch of people will die when the deer start playing on the highway, but the woods belong to them. We shouldn’t trespass.

See how stupid that sounds?

The bottom line is you go to the beach to swim in the water. Lifeguards shouldn’t be put in the position where they can get eaten by a shark if they go to do a rescue. People shouldn’t have to worry about being mistaken for a seal by one of these beasts. So either they leave, or we make them leave. They’re cool to look at, but they’ve overstayed their welcome.



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25 Comment(s)
  • Berkshire TurtleRider
    September 6, 2017 at 5:49 am

    Sorry TB, can’t agree with you on this.

  • Aaron Provencal
    September 5, 2017 at 9:12 pm

    Nausett beach used to be awesome for striper fishing. Not anymore… seals messed that up. Killem all

  • Ghandi
    September 5, 2017 at 8:49 pm

    I say we take all the EBT cards and place them in a big pile on Martha’s Vineyard. You want one? Go swim and get one. No ferry, no boats, no airplanes, no helicopters.

    You can paddle a surfboard doing your best harbor seal impression…

  • True Reality Speaks
    True Reality Speaks
    September 5, 2017 at 7:15 pm

    Feed the sharks antifa.

    • Rightwinger
      September 5, 2017 at 8:23 pm

      Bad Ass comment Bro!!!!!!

  • Wwy
    September 5, 2017 at 5:15 pm

    An oven dwelling Jew you sound like sad.

  • Maggie the Cat
    September 5, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    It appears to me that no one has done an economic analysis of the impact of the sharks on the economy of Cape Cod. Or perhaps one has been done and the analysis has shown that the presence of sharks in the water has in fact reduced the amount of money spent by tourists, but the study hasn’t been made public because it would upset the liberals. In our case (my husband and I), we decided not to spend a weekend on the Cape because we would not feel safe swimming with the sharks. We’re probably not the only ones who feel that way!

    So if the state’s revenue projections are not met because people are avoiding Cape Cod, we’re all paying for it. I vote to stop protecting the seals. They don’t pay taxes.

  • Jack
    September 5, 2017 at 2:08 pm

    More proof, most people suck.

  • wormtownspawn
    September 5, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    sharks live in the ocean and other ocean creatures.

    whoda thunk that

    • wormtownspawn
      September 5, 2017 at 1:41 pm

      and eat other creatures

  • Sharkie
    September 5, 2017 at 12:55 pm

    If you want the Sharks to leave, just move them to downtown Worcester.
    It’s worked once already.

  • Stunt Penis
    September 5, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    sealskin boots are incredibly waterproof and incredibly warm in the winter. ask any eskimo.

    • Hughbo Mont
      September 5, 2017 at 1:38 pm

      Python boots are the best.

  • Roy
    September 5, 2017 at 12:22 pm

    Well i certanly dong adree to kill any animals all. We have destroyed our lands and beaches . there are plenty of other beaches we can go to. We are also killing the wildlife in the oceans with our stupidy of not throwing our trash away. Which make sea animals that sharks eat. Leave the sea creaches alone. Its not like we have no other way to cool off. I wont deleate you turtleboy. Everyone is entitled to there belifs and opinons.

    • Joe Lupinski
      September 5, 2017 at 4:54 pm

      You drunk when you wrote this or are you a product of a Public School? Bad grammar, spelling and composition. Back to Fourth Grade for you.

  • Mike
    September 5, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    “Because they might technically own the sea, but we own the land. If you come into our neighborhood we’re not throwing you back into yours so you can bother us when we swim.”

    I thought it was a missed opportunity at a little humor by using the word “swim” here instead of the words “go into theirs.”

    It seems like this whole situation should be easily solvable. The MMPA that you link as “hippies don’t want us to them anymore” should be amended to laid out an exception for this specific situation. Are you organizing any push for such an amendment?

  • CJT
    September 5, 2017 at 11:47 am

    I’m feeling triggered by this article. Is there a safe room near by????

    • JoeMomma
      September 5, 2017 at 12:41 pm

      yup, it’s in the Atlantic Ocean just off Cape Cod…..

  • Lou P
    September 5, 2017 at 11:37 am

    The best solution is what they are doing in Beverly with problem of Canadian geese.

    Let’s start reducing the population of these creatures directly. Then, feed the seal meat AND shark meat to the homeless.

    • ChudStumper
      September 5, 2017 at 8:07 pm

      I would pay cash money to watch filthy ass geese getting fed by sharks. Best of both worlds.

      • Practical
        September 6, 2017 at 6:40 pm

        What would the geese be fed?

  • The Rant Queen
    September 5, 2017 at 11:36 am

    Wtf Turtleboy, why you hating on my friends? You telling me, if you saw a pile of your favorite food sitting in one spot and you were starving, you would expect someone to kill you for obeying your instincts? Im all for natural selection. If youre dumb enough to enter the ocean KNOWING what lurks in it, then you deserve to be eaten. The less stupid humans roaming the earth, the better. We dont belong in the ocean. Its why 90% of it is still undiscovered. Wanna go swimming and not be eaten by sharks? Find a damn pool.

    Its bad enough Hollywood likes to make sharks the villain in their shitty movies, making ppl fear them even more and encourage killing them in real life. Give them a damn break.

  • Savage Squaw Bitch
    September 5, 2017 at 11:24 am

    God, I hate hippies.

  • Clive McFarlane
    September 5, 2017 at 11:23 am

    This is racist towards sharks

  • Cunty_McShitballz
    September 5, 2017 at 11:20 am

    Bad take

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