There was a huge food stamp bust in Rhode Island yesterday as 62 of the most ratchtastic slugpumps you’ll ever see were arrested for failing to disclose felony warrants that would’ve prohibited them from collecting nearly half a million dollars in EBT. The most alarming part about this are all the able bodied adults who collect from the government. And these are just the ones with open warrants. God knows how many other EBT-Rex’s are collecting checks every week for the rest of their lives for doing absolutely nothing. The mugshots were amazing, so I decided to celebrate Food Stamp Friday by giving you all my Top 20….
20. Donald Beals, Woonsocket
Donnie has warrants for Crank and Obscene Telephone Calls. Although the most obscene thing about him is the carpet full of pubes that he calls a neckbeard.
19. Carol Bourque, Providence
Guarantee poor Carol here wakes up every morning and says to herself, “feels like a grey hoodie kind of day,” before cashing in her stamps for losing Keno tickets.
18. Janice Benevides, Cranston
If emphysema had a face.
17. Kimberly Haas, Providence
Kimberly is what happens when your 6th grade gym teacher decides to pick up a bad meth habit.
16. Robert Gross, Cumberland
Looks like illegally collecting food stamps wasn’t enough for Robert Gross to pay the bills, which is why he had to start a GoFundMe entitled, “Disability,transportation,paybills.”
Although I would’ve chipped in for “Need2buyanewspacebarbutton.”
15. Kelly Medico, Pawtucket
Oh how the mighty have fallen……
Of course she has plenty of money for iPhones and Uggs because……priorities.
14. Anne Demers, Providence
Anne is not the least bit fazed by this at all. She’s actually shocked to still be alive at this point, and as soon as she’s released she’ll be cashing in her stamps for dollar Narragansetts at a watering hole near you.
13. Artayhia Towns Providence
Artyhia is “self-employed”
AKA, she gets paid to keep her caps lock on and bitch and whine about her crotch fruit (who she named “BLESS’YN) who likes to wake up at 2:43 AM and watch cartoons.
12. Rosemarie Torres, Providence
Looking like Miss Swan ate a bucket full of Sour Patch kids.
11. Amanda Irons, Pawtucket
Amanda fires out crotch fruits and doesn’t hold back on making sure they look fly as hell.
And despite actually having the father of her child in her life, she still collects from the government while having warrants out for larceny over $1,500.
10. Phillip Ware, Woonsocket
How? How in the hell does an able bodied male in their young 30’s become eligible for food stamps? Probably because it’s hard to get a job when you turn your face into a pin cushion.
9. Robert Elgar, Providence
Another able bodied male who somehow qualifies for free shit, courtesy of the taxpayers. Don’t get it twisted though – he’s a baller.
8. Luz Rodriguez Woonsocket
Good Lord, it’s the love child of Pete Davidson and Whoopie Goldberg!
7. Gloria Kane, Providence
Gloria works at “Pissin People Off.”
She’s got warrants for stealing cars but needs to cash in her food stamps for blunts and hair coloring money, so she probably just forgot to tell the DTA office about her Google trophies.
6. Diane Stad, Woonsocket
Great Scott!! This is what happens when the Cabbage Patch kids move to Woonsocket!!
5. Melissa Oliveira, Warwick
That is the most War-wack face these eyes have ever seen.
4. Misti Bowen Providence
Poor girl looks like she was just giving out blowjobs in the ER. Food stamp fraud is a great way to get your kids back from the DCF fairy.
3. Phyllis Coates, Providence
Phyllis has no kids, but still is eligible to collect because according to her, “I just want to live stress free and comfortable.”
And by that she means always having ample supply of Henny.
Getting your hair did with your iPhone while sipping on a Coors Light
And tittoos with Roman numerals that she doesn’t understand the meaning of.
2. Deeanna Descy, Woonsocket
That right there is the official mascot of Woonsocket if I’ve ever seen it. She’s way too busy solving crimes on Facebook to be bothered to get a job though.
1. Christopher Coutcher, North Smithfield
Christopher here looks like a sound investment for taxpayer dollars. Remember, the point of welfare is to lend a helping hand so that people who are struggling can get through a tough time and become self-sufficient. But as you can see here, every single person on this wonderful list has used EBT as a lifestyle instead of as a helping hand.
You would think that it’s common sense for the government to do a basic background check on people before giving them taxpayer money, but apparently we’re just trusting the ratchets to disclose if they’ve got open warrants before getting that check. Makes sense!
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