Like the Free Turtleboy Facebook page to follow our posts when our other page is arbitrarily suspended. If we ever get shut down for good, this will become the new Turtleboy Sports main Facebook page.
Today’s Tour de Turtle bone ride lacked the filth and debauchery that you’ve come to know and love in these blogs. That’s because in general nice towns border other nice towns. But there’s always an outlier. And in today’s bone ride all of the towns were pretty nice……except for one. Anyone familiar with Central Massachusetts probably knows which one came in last today. Here’s how ranked the following 9 towns we hit up in order: Holden, Princeton, Sterling, Lancaster, Clinton, Bolton, Berlin, Boylston, West Boylston.
We had no idea Boylston was this nice. The only reason that 99% of people go to Boylston for is to get Dave’s world famous roofee Mai Tai’s at the Dragon 88. But there’s zero traffic, all the houses are nice, the neighborhoods are lovely, it’s on the reservoir, and you’ve got two exits on 290. Life is good in Boylston.
Another great town. It’s got two exits off of 190, there is zero traffic, it actually has a downtown with some stores in it, and it’s got a Meola’s and Davis Farmland. Big fan of Sterling.
Lots of money in Princeton. The homes are mostly pretty big and there’s no panhandlers.
But Turtleboy has just a couple beefs that keep it from being higher. First of all, it’s kind of a pain in the ass to get to. As soon as we got to Princeton we started losing radio signal, and I just get the feeling this is one of those towns where cable and internet are a pain in the ass.
Secondly, is there even a single store in Princeton? This is downtown:
It’s got a blinking light and a gazebo. Exciting.
Thirdly, there’s not many neighborhoods in Princeton. I feel like most people there live on a busy road, with a really long driveway and a million acres of land. Where is Turtleboy Jr. supposed to learn how to ride a bike?
Nice little town right on 495. Almost every house we saw was lovely, but once again where are the cul de sacs at? Where are the planned communities? How bout some sidewalks? Few and far between in Bolton. We’re just nitpicking right now. Bolton is a sweet place to live.
Love-hate relationship with Holden. Love the school district, Friendly’s, tons of places to eat, and nice homes that keep out the riff-raff.
Hate the traffic. If there is a town west of 495 with worse traffic than Holden then we haven’t seen it yet. I’d like myself dealing with this nonsense on a daily basis.
Also, the kids that live in this house are the coolest kids in America. This is a 10 year old boy’s dream, assuming he can’t sing.
Lancaster is a fine town, but it’s just kind of….old looking? Not as old looking as some of the places in Western Worcester County (Hubbardston, Brookfield, Leicester), but there’s just a lot of this going on:
Not that that’s ugly or anything like that. Turtleboy just likes his towns looking state of the art and flashy.
It’s also really rural in parts.
We did find some nice newer looking settlements in South Lancaster, but they were just not that easy to find.
Oh yea, and the kids that live here have a pretty fantastic yard as well.
7. West Boylston
Today we saw for the first time the place where 90% of the people we write about have lived at one point in time – the West Boylston House of Corrections:
That’s a lot of barbed wire for a minimum security prison. Just sayin.
Anyway, West Boylston is basically a bootleg, slightly more urban version of real Boylston. The closer you are to the Boylston border the nicer the houses are.
West Boylston isn’t bad by any means. It’s just your average, not trying to show off suburban community.
Turtleboy’s biggest beef with West Boylston is that it all revolves around Route 12. Seriously, if you look at a map the shape of the town seems to be dictated by this terrible road with lots of traffic and really outdated looking motels. But it’s got a Walmart and a $6, three month old movie theater, so West Boylston will always have a special place in Turtleboy’s heart.
There’s nothing wrong with Berlin, so don’t get it twisted when you see it ranked this low. You just feel like you’re ass backwards in the middle of nowhere driving through there.
But there are lots of horses and a backway access to the Solomon Pond Mall, so that’s good.
Seeing this baby horsey was easily the highlight of today’s bone ride.
Because…obviously. This picture right here is Clinton in a nutshell:
Clinton has a never ending supply of broken down rape vans
Cars that locals claim they’re working on, but really just sit there in the driveway with a tarp on it
Stores called “Clinton Alcoholism”
Depressing looking throughways
Unmowed lawns and 50 year old homes that still have the original roof
Random brick buildings where jobs used to exist
Parking lots of broken dreams
Satellite dishes and thriving businesses as far as the eye can see
And shady looking motels where you can bring
a prostitute your wife on a romantic Clinton getaway
There are random homes in Clinton that appear in the middle of this blight that are actually pretty nice though.
So what do you think? We get this list right? And where should we go next. It’s getting nice out so we gotta start hitting up the beach towns. And yes, we will do a mega-Cape Cod bone ride this summer.
We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.
Wormtown Brewery, Union Tavern, Scavone Plumbing, Bennie’s Cafe, JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, Smitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors, Solarreviews.net, The Gun Parlor Range, Attorney Anthony Salerno, Harris Auto Body, Rotti Power Equipment in West Boylston