Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Holden, Princeton, Sterling, Lancaster, Clinton, Bolton, Berlin, Boylston, West Boylston

 

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Today’s Tour de Turtle bone ride lacked the filth and debauchery that you’ve come to know and love in these blogs. That’s because in general nice towns border other nice towns. But there’s always an outlier. And in today’s bone ride all of the towns were pretty nice……except for one. Anyone familiar with Central Massachusetts probably knows which one came in last today. Here’s how ranked the following 9 towns we hit up in order: Holden, Princeton, Sterling, Lancaster, Clinton, Bolton, Berlin, Boylston, West Boylston.

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1. Boylston

We had no idea Boylston was this nice. The only reason that 99% of people go to Boylston for is to get Dave’s world famous roofee Mai Tai’s at the Dragon 88. But there’s zero traffic, all the houses are nice, the neighborhoods are lovely, it’s on the reservoir, and you’ve got two exits on 290. Life is good in Boylston.

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2. Sterling

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Another great town. It’s got two exits off of 190, there is zero traffic, it actually has a downtown with some stores in it, and it’s got a Meola’s and Davis Farmland. Big fan of Sterling.

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3. Princeton

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Lots of money in Princeton. The homes are mostly pretty big and there’s no panhandlers.

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But Turtleboy has just a couple beefs that keep it from being higher. First of all, it’s kind of a pain in the ass to get to. As soon as we got to Princeton we started losing radio signal, and I just get the feeling this is one of those towns where cable and internet are a pain in the ass.

Secondly, is there even a single store in Princeton? This is downtown:

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It’s got a blinking light and a gazebo. Exciting.

Thirdly, there’s not many neighborhoods in Princeton. I feel like most people there live on a busy road, with a really long driveway and a million acres of land. Where is Turtleboy Jr. supposed to learn how to ride a bike?

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4. Bolton

Nice little town right on 495. Almost every house we saw was lovely, but once again where are the cul de sacs at? Where are the planned communities? How bout some sidewalks? Few and far between in Bolton. We’re just nitpicking right now. Bolton is a sweet place to live.

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5. Holden

Love-hate relationship with Holden. Love the school district, Friendly’s, tons of places to eat, and nice homes that keep out the riff-raff.

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Hate the traffic. If there is a town west of 495 with worse traffic than Holden then we haven’t seen it yet. I’d like myself dealing with this nonsense on a daily basis.

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Also, the kids that live in this house are the coolest kids in America. This is a 10 year old boy’s dream, assuming he can’t sing.

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6. Lancaster

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Lancaster is a fine town, but it’s just kind of….old looking? Not as old looking as some of the places in Western Worcester County (Hubbardston, Brookfield, Leicester), but there’s just a lot of this going on:

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Not that that’s ugly or anything like that. Turtleboy just likes his towns looking state of the art and flashy.

It’s also really rural in parts.

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We did find some nice newer looking settlements in South Lancaster, but they were just not that easy to find.

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Oh yea, and the kids that live here have a pretty fantastic yard as well.

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7. West Boylston

Today we saw for the first time the place where 90% of the people we write about have lived at one point in time – the West Boylston House of Corrections:

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That’s a lot of barbed wire for a minimum security prison. Just sayin.

Anyway, West Boylston is basically a bootleg, slightly more urban version of real Boylston. The closer you are to the Boylston border the nicer the houses are.

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West Boylston isn’t bad by any means. It’s just your average, not trying to show off suburban community.

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Turtleboy’s biggest beef with West Boylston is that it all revolves around Route 12. Seriously, if you look at a map the shape of the town seems to be dictated by this terrible road with lots of traffic and really outdated looking motels. But it’s got a Walmart and a $6, three month old movie theater, so West Boylston will always have a special place in Turtleboy’s heart.

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8. Berlin

There’s nothing wrong with Berlin, so don’t get it twisted when you see it ranked this low. You just feel like you’re ass backwards in the middle of nowhere driving through there.

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But there are lots of horses and a backway access to the Solomon Pond Mall, so that’s good.

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Seeing this baby horsey was easily the highlight of today’s bone ride.

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9. Clinton

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Because…obviously. This picture right here is Clinton in a nutshell:

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Clinton has a never ending supply of broken down rape vans

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Cars that locals claim they’re working on, but really just sit there in the driveway with a tarp on it

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Lawn furniture

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Stores called “Clinton Alcoholism”

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Clintonites

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Depressing looking throughways

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Unmowed lawns and 50 year old homes that still have the original roof

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Random brick buildings where jobs used to exist

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Rowhouses

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Parking lots of broken dreams

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Satellite dishes and thriving businesses as far as the eye can see

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And shady looking motels where you can bring a prostitute your wife on a romantic Clinton getaway

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There are random homes in Clinton that appear in the middle of this blight that are actually pretty nice though.

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So what do you think? We get this list right? And where should we go next. It’s getting nice out so we gotta start hitting up the beach towns. And yes, we will do a mega-Cape Cod bone ride this summer.

 

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43 Comment(s)
  • buffalojack
    June 4, 2016 at 5:54 pm

    Parts of Holden are super fuckin redneck. Princeton and sterling have some pretty hick parts too, but not as bad as Holden

  • Mike Honcho
    June 4, 2016 at 4:32 am

    Mike Honcho remembers hearing about a gang in Holden called the Foundation. Can anyone confirm this gang actually existed or if it was just an urban legend. I went to Bancroft in the 90’s and remember this kid from Holden talking about the Foundation.

  • June 3, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    I live in clinton and landscape out of Princeton and into surrounding towns and can attest that this list is 1000% accurate. the Clinton people need to settle the hell down and face facts- we live in a dump and everyones all hopped up on opioids. Like yeah i get it we got some nice areas but you also wont find some of the shitholes that we have in princeton holden or sterling. Stop getting butthurt ya buncha puss’s our town sucks and everyone knows it.

  • Del Griffith
    June 3, 2016 at 6:57 pm

    Hey, my house made it! Princeton may be Vermont south. You can’t swing a dead cat by the tail without hitting a hippie. Not a bad place though, fun times at the mountain and you really have to experience the mountain barn restaurant. Sterling is a great place, Rota Spring has the best ice cream around, and plenty of it. Peanut allergy hippies aside.

  • Edgar
    June 3, 2016 at 6:24 pm

    Cute little article there Turtleboy. Take a drive through towns and you can peg where they fit into your little pecking order. Big hit or miss, much like your blog. Sometimes you are on-point and knock it out of the park, and sometimes you take a giant swing and fall down when the bat fails to connect. This blog was the latter, not the former.

  • BobnMic
    June 3, 2016 at 5:35 pm

    *two. the w never made it in.

  • BobnMic
    June 3, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    Some people like a more quiet simple town like Princeton. Others like the excitement and action of say NYC. I vary and that’s why I own 14 different houses including 16 in Europe alone. Hey Fiesty, I’ll plow your flower garden for you (wink,wink).

    • BobnMic
      June 3, 2016 at 5:34 pm

      Shits getting old dude. Not funny or entertaining. And I only own to houses and one time share. Get it right already.

  • 01510NotAccurate
    June 3, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    I will admit that as soon as I saw the list of towns on this bone ride, I knew Clinton would be last. However, it looks as though Turtleboy went out of his way to not share anything nice about Clinton. No nice houses/neighborhoods (there are more nice than not), no Central Park, no Wachusett Dam/Reservoir, no Fuller Field, no school grounds/athletic complex , no High Street (the nice half anyway), the list could go on. Anytime TB wants to go on an actual tour of Clinton rather than just drive up and down Main Street I’d be happy to co-pilot.

  • Proud Princetonite
    June 3, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    I love living here. Technology isn’t the most important thing to me. The only way I’m leaving here is in a body bag. Mmmm, smell that fresh air!

  • Mike
    June 3, 2016 at 10:50 am

    Princeton would be a great town if it was still 1960. The people who own houses there are stuck there. Who is going to buy a house that has no usable internet and no cable TV services. The center of town has some crappy dsl but once you get away from their you are done
    I have a few friends who live there and they are stuck. The fudds who run the town have constantly blocked the town from getting wired. They have some sort of crappy wireless internet there but is is worse than dial up. And oh by the way, there is no cell phone service in 80% of the town either because they wont allow anyone to put up a tower. They even blocked the one that was going in the church steeple which would no be able to be seen.

    • Proud Princetonite
      June 3, 2016 at 11:11 am

      We have DirectTV and it works just fine. Yes, the internet is problematic but Broadband is coming. Cell service is iffy too. Landline has no problems.

      Lots of good people here too. Lived in Holden – no thanks.

      • Mike
        June 3, 2016 at 11:26 am

        Hope you like living there because you will be stuck there for a long time. it is a beautiful town but stuck in the 60’s from a technology point. I’m glad you land like works well. you can plug in your modem and dial up to AOL to get on line.
        They have been saying broadband has been coming since the 70″s. The first company that wanted to wire the town was Road Runner, that’s how long ago it was. The town administration just kept putting up road blocks.

        • 01541
          June 4, 2016 at 12:39 am

          I get great service from Verizon Wireless, DirecTV for cable and I have satellite Internet and works even in the worst of storms! I also have a great view of Boston, Miles of hiking trails, beautiful wildlife and plenty of fresh air.
          Princeton isn’t that backwards!

  • Clintonian
    June 3, 2016 at 10:17 am

    I’ll agree with your rankings if the criteria is which area looks the nicest when driving on the main roads. However, if deciding where you’d like to live, I’d put Clinton near the top. New schools, town sewer and water, full-time police and fire, and beautiful recreational areas around the reservoir. Plus, you’re usually 5 minutes away from multiple supermarkets, sit-down restaurants, fast food, gas stations, bars, a movie theater, etc. I don’t think you can say the same when you’re living in Princeton.

  • Lambo
    June 3, 2016 at 9:54 am

    TB we all see right through your irrational biases. You’ve always exuded a burr up your tailpipe on this blog regarding it, but Holden is by far the best town on this list. Probably the state, except for North Attleboro. Great schools, nice new town facilities, nice neighborhoods, a bustling downtown, a town waterpark, it’s the perfect size, full of beautiful people. Holden is basically America on a stick. Get on the love train TB. Embrace Holden. She’ll love you back.

    • John
      June 3, 2016 at 3:12 pm

      Better off living in a neighboring Wachusett town. Good schools and none of the Holden traffic but can still get to the same destinations there in similar time due to the town’s main street gridlock.

  • FiestyLawyerLady
    June 3, 2016 at 9:50 am

    I’m glad my home wasn’t in any pictures because I haven’t had a chance to plant my nice flowers or pull weeds. Thankfully I’m in the maze part of town where no one goes unless you live there. I had no idea any of these towns were considered “yuppy” areas either… ah well lol.

    • buffalojack
      June 4, 2016 at 5:51 pm

      Bolton and Boyalston are kinda yuppie.

  • Tice
    June 3, 2016 at 9:44 am

    You should start putting your polls at the END of your articles. The other day I voted on the Harambe issue , and once I read the article, I completely changed my mind.

  • Sterling Turtle Rider's new neighbor
    June 3, 2016 at 8:05 am

    Moved to Sterling about a year and a half ago from Worcester. Gotta say, you got it right. This town is fantastic.

  • Craig
    June 3, 2016 at 2:35 am

    First off, I’d like to point out you missed quite a bit of Clinton here. Very biased in your approach, so I am assuming at one point in your life you got you’re ass kicked by a Clinton kid (which has happened to most individuals outside of Clinton in surrounding towns).

    On a real note, Clinton has the highest population besides Holden (so Holden should be the real GOAT), but as a result Clinton is going to look the most run down. It’s the most industrialized town of all and provides the most jobs out of any of the surrounding towns. Many of the individuals who live in the surrounding towns work in the city and commute to their glorious houses after work, but are the most miserable human beings on the planet.

    If you truly knew anything about this area, you would understand Clinton is full of the most diverse group of individuals and the writers for turtle boy would much rather spend their time with any one from Clinton than they would from any of the surrounding yuppie towns. I guarantee that and I wish you could see where the majority of your followers are from, because I know MANY of them are from Clinton (including myself) and not a single one of us are associated with a single photo you shared of this great town.

    Populations:
    Holden- 17,346
    Clinton- 13,606
    Lancaster- 8,055
    Sterling- 7, 808
    West Boylston- 7,669
    Bolton- 4,897
    Boylston- 4,355
    Princeton- 3,413
    Berlin- 2,866

    • Meh
      June 3, 2016 at 4:15 am

      Its still a dump and everyone is on heroin

      • BobnMic
        June 3, 2016 at 4:45 am

        I respectfully disagree Meh. Although a Worcester guy here from the get go and currently, I think Clinton is a cool place. They got that movie Theater on High Street that shows fairly current movies, has a bar and serves Jack Daniels hot dogs wlth chilli sauce. So good.

      • Iron Shiek
        June 3, 2016 at 5:51 am

        Meh: they are on smack or are barely functioning alcoholics. The level of hating and violence indicates this. Its the land that time forgot.

    • larryS
      June 3, 2016 at 5:54 am

      most diverse = most number of EBT cards.

    • wabbitt
      June 3, 2016 at 3:21 pm

      Every single one of these bone rides, someone from the biggest shithole town comes in and says that the blogger must have been beaten up by a person from that town.

      Because some ridiculous 30 year old grudge is why your town was rated the dumpiest. Not because it’s a dump.

  • Reddog
    June 3, 2016 at 12:24 am

    Interesting magic carpet ride. How do you go to Clinton and not get a pic of the dam?

    • Apeshite
      June 3, 2016 at 1:13 am

      Someone stole it.

  • Tngsucks
    June 3, 2016 at 12:13 am

    You missed Rota Spring Farm in Sterling. Eat ice cream made there and look at farm animals.

    • SterlingRes
      June 3, 2016 at 6:58 am

      RotaSprings is awful – they are so careless with their cross-contamination issues with peanut/treenut allergy kids. All other places will open a new container and use a new clean scoop, then designate that container for allergy if other patrons come. Not Rotas. They told by 10yr old whomis allergic to peanuts that they do not do it because it is not good for the ice cream. Go to Kimball’s in Lancaster. Better ice cream. More expensive but you get ALOT more and it is creamier and delicious.

      • Mike
        June 3, 2016 at 10:53 am

        OMG, really

      • wabbitt
        June 3, 2016 at 3:11 pm

        Call the board of health. They’re required under recent state laws to make accommodations for a customer if said customer reports that someone in their party has a foodborne illness or allergy. On fact, they’re also required to have signs athat the counter and/or on the menus informing customers of this.

  • Hank
    June 3, 2016 at 12:11 am

    You don’t capture these towns at all. All you do is show new developments, these towns are all about old houses, old businesses, farming, history, culture. I love your blogs, but you make these historic towns look like yuppie towns.

  • BobnMic
    June 3, 2016 at 12:04 am

    Some of those towns and side roads make for a great Harley ride right around this time of year. One of my favorite stops in Clinton was the Old Timer’s Restaurant which recently closed after an 87 year run by generations with the same family. That was a very cool place with great prime rib and very cold beer.

  • Sterling Turtle Rider
    June 2, 2016 at 11:39 pm

    I’m honored to be #2 on the list… and you’re right, TV is a nightmare in Princeton. Also, I seem to remember hearing at some point that Clinton has the highest number of bars per capita of any city or town in the country… not sure if that is still it’s claim to fame or not.

    • larryS
      June 3, 2016 at 5:52 am

      You didn’t mention high speed internet in Princeton. Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t exist. 🙂

      • Rational person
        June 3, 2016 at 9:31 am

        But it’s coming! Plus, I believe Princeton has the highest number of tennis courts per capita of any city or town in the country. And a ski mountain. And Sonoma restaurant.

    • HoldenTurtleRider
      June 3, 2016 at 8:18 am

      I’ve heard that claim about Clinton as well.

  • 01564
    June 2, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    Speaking of dicey hotels…How could you go through West Boylston and not mention the Reservoir Motor Lodge?

    • Sterling Turtle Rider
      June 2, 2016 at 11:38 pm

      Because it’s not currently operating, I think it’s for sale right now

    • Shorty
      June 3, 2016 at 1:11 am

      I hope yoi got your required shots before you went to Clinton.

    • 01583
      June 4, 2016 at 12:26 am

      It’s all closed down FINALLY!

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