The Facebook machine is a weird, wondrous place.

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In my travels through the Ratchetsphere this morning, I stumbled upon a fresh Trashua throwdown that happened just minutes before I fell down the rabbit hole. I grabbed my Popcornopolis and sat back, enthralled:

First things first: It’s 2017 and these are young millennials. Why in the hell is this video taken in portrait?

“I’m gonna kick your ass when I get down there, motherfucker. Your ass is mine. You doin’ dope Nicky? Nicholas, you doin’ dope? I’ll come down there and smack the fuckin’ dogshit outta you”

Ah, the calming morning sounds of chickens clucking in your ears amidst a hardscrabble parking area. That’s what everyone moves to New Hampshire for, right? The views and the coos, my friends.

The video starts off like any other ho’down throwdown with the participants losing anything dangly, and, taking off their shoes. No one is getting popped for A&B/shod foot today!

On the left, we’ve got Fanta Pants, with Gingy McStuffins on the right as they square up. At least Fanta Pants came prepared with socks; Gingy is gonna catch Hep C two-stepping all over them rocks in her Kentucky shoes.

Ding, ding, ding! Fanta Pants winds up her left with a fake/block, and rockets her right into Gingy McStuffins’ face while executing beautiful placement of her right knee

She winds up, she swings…

BOOM! Haymaker right to the dome.

Gingy McStuffins got ROCKED. But uh oh, what’s that? Is Fanta Pants’ fupa about to make an appearance?

Yep!

Zero fucks given, and with her fupa flapping in the wind, Fanta Pants tosses Gingy McStuffins right into the side of a poor Passat that did nothing to deserve this kind of abuse

Undeterred and seemingly no worse for the wear, Gingy McStuffins stands tall against the fupa flap. Speaking of…

What IS that?! Is it just a wildly hanging tuna flap, a camel toe that’s slipped out of position and become a full-blown mooseknuckle, or… is it a bologna baton?

Something to ponder.  Hit the poll at the end and let me know what you think!

Here, Fanta Pants seems to have gotten her errant bits under control enough to attempt another haymaker, which was promptly deflected by Gingy McStuffins. You go, firebush!

With her shirt torn, her fupa swing-swanging away, Fanta Pants declares herself the winner and the beef thus over.

Despite not getting many shots in and bearing the brunt of Fanta Pants’ booger pullers, Gingy McStuffins is all smiles. That’s my kinda girl!

Let’s just hope neither of these inbred Trashua specimens have had another human fall out of their tunaflaps. If anyone recognizes these two fine young ladies, please kindly hit the inbox or your girl directly at NorthShoreTurtleBabe@gmail.com