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Turtleboy Love Advice: Poopfaced Ginger Who Lives With Ex-GF Fat Shames Chick And Makes Fun Of Her Rescue Dog After She Tells Him She’s Uncomfortable With Living Arrangement

Turtleboy Love Advice: Poopfaced Ginger Who Lives With Ex-GF Fat Shames Chick And Makes Fun Of Her Rescue Dog After She Tells Him She’s Uncomfortable With Living Arrangement

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Dear Turtleboy,

We need your help… You see my very beautiful and super successful friend Abby had gone on a few dates with this guy from a dating app <sigh> after a couple dates she found out that his current roommate is actually his ex-girlfriend and that they just broke up. She immediately put the brakes on and explained to him that she was not interested in moving forward because of his current situation. Well instead of being an adult and a respectable gentleman he sunk to the lowest of the low and became the biggest cunt in Massachusetts. Can we please put him on blast for absolutely being a cunt to a beautiful girl who just wants to find love? By the way you did read that correctly – he made fun of her rescued abused dog.

 With love,

Some of your favorite fans!!

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Alright, so we’ve been talking about doing a new weekly “letters to Turtleboy” blog, where turtle riders send in their love stories and we give you our take on it. Because Turtleboy doesn’t sugarcoat anything. And quite frankly we thought this was the perfect story to get the party started.

So the girl who sent us this is friends with the chick who had the misfortune of swiping right for this chud. Here’s the original post:

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The only red flag I could possibly see from this chick is that she uses the name Abby Lee on Facebook. Because if I found out that you like watching Dance Moms, that’s a deal breaker for me. See ya later. Just sayin.

Alright, first of all, only a psychopath lives with their ex-girlfriend. That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. You don’t just move in with your ex-girlfriend. It means you lived together (which means you were at the very least semi-serious), you broke up, and then you’re in a situation straight out of Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston in The Breakup, where neither party gives in and they live together in awkward unhappiness in order to prove a point.

That right there is your first red flag. Not so much that you’re worried he’s gonna come home one day and find her wearing a whip cream bikini, but because there’s obviously something wrong with him if he continues to live with a chick he was once that serious with. No normal guy could go on living under those conditions. What’s he supposed to do with chicks he meets? Bring them home? How could that possibly not be uncomfortable for both women?


There’s no such thing as a happy breakup either. The only thing you’re happy about is that you never have to see them again. There’s also no such thing as a mutual breakup, which means one of these two lovebirds dumped the other one, and the dumpee probably still has feelings for the dumper.

So yea, anyone who would go on living in a situation like this obviously is a psycho, and it’s best you stay far, far away. This is not an unusual or abnormal request on the part of Abby. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that 99.9% of the chicks reading this right now would’ve done the same exact thing.

Anyway, the chud’s name is Aaron Ruby.

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Sign number one that you’re dealing with a winner – his cover photo is a back and white picture of the glory days:

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This is what we’re dealing with here:

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I know – a ginger with a chinstrap. Red hair = red flag. Sorry, not sorry. Kill it with fire!!

Let’s check out the exchange that Aaron had with Abby:

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Alright, first of all, if you’re LIVING with your ex-girlfriend, and some chick you just met on a dating app finds this out and has an issue with it, how on earth can this possibly surprise you? Has this evil ginger ever met a chick who would be cool with this arrangement? She can’t possibly be the first person to have a problem with this. Therefore, you’d assume he would know how to react when something like this happens. I mean, who would ever expect some chick you just met to hitch their caboose to your train? You have to expect that this is probably gonna happen.

Not Aaron Ruby though. His precious feels were hurt so he did what any chud who’s backed into a corner would do – tried to fat shame the girl. First of all, Abby is hot:


You can’t teach a smile or eyes like that. Turtleboy may or may not be in love again. Like she says, weight comes and goes. And the fact that she possesses the ability to lose weight when she wants to makes her even more attractive. There’s a lot of people who let themselves go and then whine about how impossible it is to lose weight. I like someone who doesn’t accept excuses and goes out there and betters themselves. The bottom line is, any dude with an ounce of class understands where this chick is coming from and tells her he respects her choice.

Anyway, this guy was obviously just trying to hurt her now, which makes him a dooshnozzle. I can understand wanting to emotionally hurt a girl if she banged your best friend. If she does that then it’s fair game to pull out the fat card. But what is Abby’s crime exactly? Not wanting to continue a relationships with a guy she just met because he lives with his ex-girlfriend? God forbid.

Then when he realized he couldn’t hurt her that way he did the next thing a wicked mature evil ginger does – made fun of her rescue dog:

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Aannnnndddd this mother fucker can’t even get “Bye Felicia” right. LOL, “Felecia.”

This is her dog Bronn:



You know you’re a poopface when you try and fat shame a chick who doesn’t want to fornicate with you because she’s uncomfortable with you living with your ex, and then when that fails you resort to making fun of her dog.

The bottom line is, stories like this make me not miss being single. I met Mrs. Turtleboy the day before online dating became cool. Before that it was only for losers. Now everyone does it. I have buddies who meet up with a different chick every time we go on a road trip now because of Tinder, and all my friends are ugly as shit. It’s unreal. I feel like Turtleboy could’ve cleaned up. But then again, I got to avoid bullshit like this, so win some, lose some.

At the end of the day Abby is a beautiful woman with a great dog, and most importantly she rides the turtle. Do you understand how much more attractive you instantly become to guys when they find out you ride the turtle? Only hot people ride the turtle. Everyone knows that. So some other guy is gonna be extremely lucky while this guy is sitting in an apartment with his ex-girlfriend fapping away to Anna Storelli’s latest piece of art on X-Hamster.

P.S. If you want Turtleboy or one of the Turtle Ladies to offer you their take on your love life (it can be anonymous or not) then EMAIL Don’t flood the inbox on Facebook because Desk Girl will get all emotional and I’m not dealing with that shit again.



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18 Comment(s)
  • Independent Thinker
    April 14, 2017 at 10:48 am

    Only a real loser would stoop so low as to make fun of her dog, especially a rescue dog. Be careful. He sounds like the type who may want to hurt the dog.

    Run as fast as you can!

  • whatevuh
    April 13, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, we can lose weight, but homely is forever

  • Gronkmonster
    April 13, 2017 at 6:39 pm

    If that picture of you even slightly resembles what you really look like I dont get how you even ended up on a date with that Ginger douche…Heck even the shame picture he tried to put up of you was to hot of a chick for that clown

    You dodgded a bullet big time…Just imagine if you had a kid with that ass..odd are it would have come out a ginger and you would have had to throw it off a bridge or something

  • Just Sayin'
    April 13, 2017 at 3:09 pm

    Abby and Bronn are both adorable. Even on her worst day, Abby is way too pretty for that autistic looking road rash anyway

    • Southie sucks !!!
      April 13, 2017 at 6:50 pm

      You are ignorant! What do you have against autistic people? You are a total asshat and have no clue of how autistic people are. As far as Aaron goes there’s too sides to every story and not saying that Aaron is right or wrong but let’s state the facts that they both are on a dating site instead of meeting in person first, so one cannot judge.

    • Jo
      April 14, 2017 at 5:56 pm

      really? Autistic looking? I find that incredibly offensive as the parent of an autistic child… maybe turtleboy should flame your ass for making use of a diagnosis that affects thousands of children that are deeply loved and cherished by their families as a comparison for this worthless sack of crap…

  • Smh
    April 13, 2017 at 1:24 pm

    As a straight guy I may not be great at judging looks but this looks like an epic mismatch. How did this guy even get a first date with her? This makes no sense. Did he say he was rich or something?

  • Biff Tannen
    April 13, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    Let’s be real. Yeah, the guy is slime, and Abby seems like a nice young lady. But really, Turtleboy? Defending a woman’s honor from a garden variety trashbag chudstuffing chucklef*cker? Is this a slow news day?

    This is dangerously closing to the type of White Knighting we see on Reddit. Yes, Abby is wonderful I am sure – and the way he treated her was terrible. However, the public character assassination of this (admittedly deserving) clown who made fun of her seems a bit extreme. People say dumb sh*t all the time. Is this incidence really that noteworthy? Can’t you go after more state reps, politicians, and criminals? They should be higher priority targets. Average sh*tbags? Not so much.

    All you’ve done is probably earned Abby about 1,000,000 unsolicited date requests from your readers (heard you were single, blah blah blah).

    I say this as a Turtleboy reader who enjoys this site.

  • Tampa Guy
    April 13, 2017 at 11:44 am

    Sorry, Abby is absolutely beautiful and I would spoil the ever loving shit out of her puppy, he’s handsome as hell!

    This guy honestly looks like someone that plateaued in high school and hasn’t grown up since.

    10 years from now he’ll still be living the same pathetic life and Abby is going to be living a great life.

    Honestly hun, you seriously dodged a bullet.

  • Swinging Richard
    April 13, 2017 at 11:42 am

    Any guy who is still living with their former girlfriend is doing so for one or more of the following reasons:

    1.) Not enough of a man to find his own place to live.
    2.) Still wants to tap that ass.
    3.) Hoping to luck out on some 3-way action.

    • Publius
      April 13, 2017 at 12:24 pm

      or he is continually between work and too lazy to look harder

    • Cracker Jack
      April 13, 2017 at 1:16 pm

      4). She realizes he is gay and completely harmless.

  • Light of My Life
    April 13, 2017 at 11:28 am

    Someone should invent an evil redhead villain for Superman and Batman to battle.

    • Light of My Life
      April 13, 2017 at 11:28 am

      Damn..too late again.

  • Strata
    April 13, 2017 at 11:27 am

    It appears Aaron is insecure, has an unfulfilled life, and deep down not happy with himself. Probably due to all the poor choices and decisions he’s made in his life. He appears miserable and wishes others to be miserable too …. sad really

  • JoeMomma
    April 13, 2017 at 11:08 am

    Gay men have no interest in women.

    • Florg
      April 15, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      Yeah, this dude is a closet case who clearly doesn’t know that “Bye Felicia” is clearly only exclusively used by gay men and 12 year old girls. Gay! And this chick is mad hot. Ginger chin straps are way below her.

      • Florg
        April 15, 2017 at 6:46 pm

        I used “clearly” twice and now I hate myself!!!

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