Turtleboy NFL Recap, The Patriots Still Look Like Crap, The Chiefs Somehow Lost To The Steelers, And The Packers Are 100% Fucked
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Once again, the NFL was a complete mind fuck and the Patriots headline that conversation.
New England 24, New York 17:
Another week, another piss poor performance by the Patriots. Listen, i’m not going to sit here and completely eviscerate a win. A win’s a win. But, with that being said New England has been pretty damn lucky the past two weeks. If Nick Folk knew how to kick a football, and Austin Seferian Jenkins didn’t have butter fingers this could be a whole different conversation. The defense still has yet to click, allowing 354 yards to Josh McCown is pretty embarrassing.
I’m pretty sure McCown has played on every team that has ever existed, and was benched by the fucking Browns. Next week the Pats have Atlanta at home, one of the best team on their schedule and the biggest game of the regular season. Thankfully, the rest of the AFC is shitting the rug, paving another easy run to the AFC title game. Regardless of how bad the AFC is declining, the Patriots need to figure this shit out.
It looks like New England couldn’t be playing Atlanta at a better time, they have lost two straight games to Buffalo and Miami. Atlanta’s offense hasn’t been clicking and their defense has more holes than a Main South hooker. Now they have to come to New England, bring it on.
Miami 20, Atlanta 17:
What the fuck happened here? Atlanta just seized up and froze, going scoreless from the middle of the second quarter to the end of the game. Atlanta’s defense is literally garbage, Miami scored on their final 4 drives to come back down 17-0. It’s not like Jay Cutler put on a passing clinic, he threw for 151 yards and yet 20 points were put on the board. Miami certainly isn’t good, but they still found a way to sniff out a last second win.
All the offense was from Jay Ajayi, they ran him pretty much every play and Atlanta still couldn’t get stops. Also, did happy hour come early for Steve Sarkisian? Atlanta has probably the best overall running back in football in Devonta Freeman and yet they only gave him 9 carries.
9! You would think they would learn to run the ball more after that play calling debacle in the super bowl. Letting Matt Ryan throw that much without mixing the run is setting yourself up for disaster. Ryan was due for his usual 4th quarter red zone interception, and well he got it with 39 seconds left. Ouch. That makes me perk up knowing Atlanta comes to New England after that dumpster fire of a game.
Arizona 38, Tampa Bay 33:
Adrian Peterson switched the clock back a solid 3 years today and beat up (ha) the Buccaneers defense. He ran for 134 yards and two TD only a couple days after being traded to Arizona. We all knew Tampa Bay’s defense was crap, but I didn’t think they would be bad enough to allow 38 points to an offense that consists of fossils. Seriously, this Cardinals team would probably win the superbowl in like 2012, but this big 3 has bursted onto the scene 5 years too late.
Jameis Winston also got hurt in this game, which then resulted in Ryan Fitzpatrick taking over at QB. Fitzpatrick came in and played alright, he connected with Cameron Brate for a quick TD to start a scoring run – Fitzpatrick to Brate was probably the first Harvard-Harvard TD connection ever. But, it’s only a matter of time until Pickspatrick shows up and ruins your season. Tampa is probably going to rush Winston back because they NEED to capitalize struggling NFC South.
Minnesota 23, Green Bay 7:
Green Bay. Is. Completely. Fucked.
Everything about the Packers success has been molded by Aaron Rodgers, their shitty defense, and injuries have been masked by Rodgers. Now, Rodgers broke his collarbone and he’s out for the year. Green Bay’s roster outside of Aaron Rodgers is a 6-10 level roster. Green Bay’s backup is Brett Hundley, who is complete garbage. Hundley came in and threw 3 picks to end any run at a comeback from Green Bay. I’m hearing Rodgers could come back before the season ends, but it’s all for nothing. Green Bay will probably only win against the Bears and the Browns for the rest of the season so rushing Rodgers back would be idiotic.
Pittsburgh 19, Kansas City 13:
I don’t think anybody can get a feel for the Steelers. It would be one thing if the Steelers were home and I could just say they are a completely different team home and away. Who could have predicted this game after last week? Big Ben got his ass beaten so bad that he actually talked about retirement again. Then again, Big Ben is a drama queen pussy, but it’s still unthinkable he actually showed up after that shit show.
But, they walked into Arrowhead and actually beat the Chiefs, the so-called best team in football. Listen, they probably have been the best team in football the past 6 weeks. But, I was waiting for Alex Smith to return to his normal self, and he definitely did. He was playing out of his mind, but it was time to get back to reality, Smith is a sideline to sideline passer, not a gunslinger. Never has been, never will be.
It only took six weeks, but Todd Haley finally figured out he has a top 2 running back in football and actually decided to use him. When you have Le’Veon Bell and Big Ben is dying in front of your eyes, it’s wise to run the fucking ball. Especially after throwing 5 picks against the Jaguars, maybe time to improvise.
Chargers 17, Oakland 16:
Oakland is so fucking stupid. Everybody and their grandma knew Derek Carr is still very much hurt and yet they rolled him out there anyway, and it showed. With his injury, Derek Carr goes from a superstar QB all the way down to a backup QB level. Oakland is currently 2-4, and the run at a division title over Kansas City is pretty much over. So, why the fuck would they risk a more serious injury with Carr even though the door on contending is pretty much closed?
The only thing more wild than the collapse of Oakland is the Chargers actually hit a clutch field goal. Just like the Browns QB’s – I always just assumed Chargers kickers were cursed from making clutch kicks – but it happened today. Chargers kickers aside – what the fuck is wrong with Amari Cooper? There is nobody in the league that has fallen off a cliff more than Cooper. He has 18 catches for 146 yards, on the ENTIRE fucking season. I know he has the hands of a snake, but he’s the type of athlete to overcome that deficiency. Sad!
Rams 27, Jaguars 17:
I can’t believe I can say this, but this was a matchup of two first place teams that are legitimately contending for a playoff run. The Rams are 100% legit this season and Jared Goff looks like an actual quarterback. Not only Goff, but there’s a legitimate argument for Todd Gurley being the NFL MVP so far. Watching this Rams team dominate only proves that Jeff Fisher is one of the worst coaches in NFL history.
The Rams offense went from a high school offense to an elite NFL offense, and all they added was one WR (Sammy Watkins). The Jags are legit also, this team would have 100x better if they had an actual QB. Blake Bortles is complete trash and he keeps weighing down that team. I keep hearing that the Jaguars want to trade for Eli Manning, and that might be Tom Coughlin’s worst idea yet. And he’s made a laundry list of stupid decisions.
The Jaguars are one average QB away from consistently winning the AFC South the way that defense looks and the way Fournette is bulldozing through people.
New York 23, Denver 10:
Well, it finally fucking happened. Pop the champagne folks the Giants are finally in the win column. In the most Giants way possible, their only win was overshadowed big time by Al Michaels saying the Giants have had a worse week than Harvey Weinstein. Which probably has some truth to it.
The actual game was as boring as you could imagine. Eli threw for an astounding 128 yards and we had to watch Orleans Darkwa (who sucks) get 21 carries. On top of that we had to watch Trevor Siemian throw 50 passes to nobody. Denver is one of the few teams in the league that still has two consistent and healthy running backs but elected to call 54 pass plays and score jack shit.
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