So last night Turtleboy Sports graciously accepted the people’s choice award for Worcester Magazine’s “Best of Worcester – Local Blog.”
As if it could possibly go to anyone else. And just like Tom Brady, we were crucified by the many butthurt losers in attendance.
Turtleboy is the official voice of the Worcester community. Even the counterrevolutionaries can’t stop reading it. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure during their morning dump. Can’t tell you how many people last night told us they love the blog, but then followed that up with, “please don’t quote me on that.”
That’s when I realized how important Turtleboy is for the community. We say what you’re thinking but can’t say, because professional buttnutts like the Circlejerk will call you a racist or a sexist or even worse – a conservative. We help you keep your sanity in a world full of insane wackjobs who would normally yell over you.
And right on cue when our representative went up to accept the award, he was booed. Ya got that? They fucking BOOED Turtleboy.
Now it’s official – we are the Patriots of Worcester County. We are the winners that everyone hates. They hate us because they ain’t us. But I’m not going to publicly embarrass the losers who booed us. Instead I’m going to give props and recognition to the three WINNERS who I saw cheering there.
1. Ed Hyder’s Mediterranean Marketplace
2. Niche Hospitality – The Citizen, Mezcal, The Fix, and Bocado.
3. Bark of the Town – Best Dog Groomers
We also took a picture with Dianne Williamson, who I’m not gonna lie, is confusing the shit out of us all. It’s safe to say that we’ve had her back 100% over at Turtleboy. Plus her columns for the last month have been directly out of the Turtleboy Sports playbook – going on people’s Facebook, making fun of dumb people and hippies, etc. She even came after Spanky McFarlane a couple weeks back in one of her columns:
“Times have changed. Which is why it makes sense to pursue advanced safety measures in our five high schools, including beefed-up police presence and new security technology that would link the police to the schools. Not everyone agrees, including a colleague at this newspaper and two members of the Worcester School Committee, who are skeptical of plans to bring a “police atmosphere” into the schools.”
So I just kind of assumed she’d fully support the Turtle. But last night she told our Turtleboy in attendance that she didn’t wanna take a picture with us because she supports Clive. This is yet another example of how the hippies use fear and intimidation to silence you. Dianne clearly reads Turtleboy and rides the Turtle. Yet she doesn’t want to publicly be associated with it for fear of reprisal. That’s how hot Turtleboy is right now.
And I just wanna say that Walter Bird over at WoMag does a fantastic job of putting this shindig together. The Citizen does a bang up job hosting it, and the Boynton, Smokestack Barbecue, and Baba Sushi provide the fantastic food to stuff down our gullets. Guess who wasn’t there? This guy:
Spanky doing Spanky things. Cruising around town in the droptop. Looks like he’s really struggling. This is why ads in the Telegram cost an arm and a leg. So Clive can drive around in a nicer car than you. For a guy who complains about how unfair America is for folks like him, he certainly seems to be enjoying the fruits of American oppression. He does look lonely though doesn’t he? He should’ve stopped by The Citizen to collect his award for best columnist. Oh wait, he wasn’t invited because no one likes him.
The people have spoken. The revolution has come. The Turtleboy butthurt is real. Ride the turtle.