Last night we brought you an ominous, albeit dubious, warning about sex traffickers/murderers/rapists/organ donor registration courtesy of this broad:

 it

And the script for “Live Free or Diehard” is honestly more plausible than the story she spewed out. If you missed her Pulitzer-prize worthy word-abortion sentagraph full of bullshit, here it is again in all its glory:

“I live in Springfield. Yesterday, I was born again. I went to donate some clothes and pick up some items at the store. It was maybe 10:00 pm. I’m on Worthington and I took a right into Armory st. A man pops out of the woods throws something under my car and signaled a car behind me which was a white SUV. The SUV immediately put on high beams and tailed me nearly bumber to bumper. My car slowed down to a stop. A billion things run to mind as I have heard of this before. I could see someone on each side their car attempting to get out. I put my foot to the pettle and it moved little more until the car came to a complete stop in front of the Puerto Rican bakery. The SUV Stopped again right behind me and these guys attempted to get out the car. I prayed to god to please take me to the police. Miraculously, the car began to move again. I kept driving towards the rotary. God let me drive to the exit driveway of the State Trooper Barracks driveway. Then these guys took off as they realized they were at a police barracks. It was dark and I became really paranoid. It seemed as if nobody was around and thought these guys would come back to get me somehow. I becan to toot my horn uncontrollably. Finally, I got the guts to run out of my car to the barracks itself. I rang the door bell like a crazy woman. They let me in and I told the story. I was in an irradical, freaked out state. More law enforcement appeared and I repeated the story. I recognized one of the police officers. I told him what happened and he jumped on it. He and another pushed my car in the barracks.
My car doesn’t operate. I will need a mechanic. Ladies… it is exponentially dangerous out there. If you do t have to leave your home at night then don’t. There are a whole lot of crazy people out there. Who knows what would have happened to me, had I not listen to my instincts. God didn’t allow for me to be a growing statistic. They didnt want my car because why would they mess up my car on purpose? This stuff is going on all over the country and abroad. These people ask to help and next thing you know you are at an ATM withdawing money, raped, murdered, trafficked or an organ donor. You never know! Be vigilant and if something like this happens to you, DON’T LET THEM IN YOUR CAR lock your doors and call the police immediately. I couldn’t sleep at all last night just thinking what could have happened to me. I had Anxiety attacks all day long! I am viewing things differently now. Sweet Springfield is gone! Please take care of yourselves. Pray for your safety every time you put that key in the ignition. But I was told this is happening in parking lots too! Please be careful and may God bless all of you.
Please share let people know. This is crazy and real!” 

I bet it was the aliens.

Likely story.

Well, apparently, in a not-shocking-at-all development, we are completely fucking assholes for recognizing that this is a complete boldface lie. At least according to the numerous gullible idiots on her page.

Well, Laura, there is a reason to call her a liar. Mainly, the fact that she’s a liar.

And apparently doubting this completely unbelievable story makes us racist as well…

I respectfully disagree. Doubting this story does not make one a racist, nor a heartless asshole. It makes one intelligent, because this story falls nowhere within the realm of realistic or possible. It’s simply not true. Let’s remember that this woman was driven straight into the arms of the State Police in their barracks on nothing but the sheer power of the Holy Ghost, and yet somehow cannot produce a police report or any other shred of corroborating evidence. But she’s going to….right after her pity party ends.

Well, let me help you out right now. I took the liberty of messaging the Springfield Police myself:

And they confirmed, her story is complete and utter bullshit.

There you have it. She never drove to the barracks on the power of Christ, she never showed up there at all. The police never saw her car, or helped her push it, or any of the complete crap she wrote. She called to attempt to report her totally real Lifetime movie moment, 24 hours later. It’s almost like she posted this entire thing for attention, or to bolster an attempt to defraud her insurance company into paying to fix her shitty broken down car, or maybe as a precursor to a GoFundMe campaign. She does need car repairs, therapy and a gun now, after all.

Oh, did I fuck that up for you, Jackie? Good. Maybe next time don’t attempt to incite mass panic and suspicion because you’re a broke, bored loser with internet access and too much free time.

Be smarter than this, people. Really. If you fell for this shit, you need to do better. We need to make common sense common again. For fuck’s sake.