Hoodrat Heroes

Update: Springfield Police Department Confirm The Malta-Goya Mob Attempted Kidnapping Is Complete B.S.

Last night we brought you an ominous, albeit dubious, warning about sex traffickers/murderers/rapists/organ donor registration courtesy of this broad:



And the script for “Live Free or Diehard” is honestly more plausible than the story she spewed out. If you missed her Pulitzer-prize worthy word-abortion sentagraph full of bullshit, here it is again in all its glory:

“I live in Springfield. Yesterday, I was born again. I went to donate some clothes and pick up some items at the store. It was maybe 10:00 pm. I’m on Worthington and I took a right into Armory st. A man pops out of the woods throws something under my car and signaled a car behind me which was a white SUV. The SUV immediately put on high beams and tailed me nearly bumber to bumper. My car slowed down to a stop. A billion things run to mind as I have heard of this before. I could see someone on each side their car attempting to get out. I put my foot to the pettle and it moved little more until the car came to a complete stop in front of the Puerto Rican bakery. The SUV Stopped again right behind me and these guys attempted to get out the car. I prayed to god to please take me to the police. Miraculously, the car began to move again. I kept driving towards the rotary. God let me drive to the exit driveway of the State Trooper Barracks driveway. Then these guys took off as they realized they were at a police barracks. It was dark and I became really paranoid. It seemed as if nobody was around and thought these guys would come back to get me somehow. I becan to toot my horn uncontrollably. Finally, I got the guts to run out of my car to the barracks itself. I rang the door bell like a crazy woman. They let me in and I told the story. I was in an irradical, freaked out state. More law enforcement appeared and I repeated the story. I recognized one of the police officers. I told him what happened and he jumped on it. He and another pushed my car in the barracks.
My car doesn’t operate. I will need a mechanic. Ladies… it is exponentially dangerous out there. If you do t have to leave your home at night then don’t. There are a whole lot of crazy people out there. Who knows what would have happened to me, had I not listen to my instincts. God didn’t allow for me to be a growing statistic. They didnt want my car because why would they mess up my car on purpose? This stuff is going on all over the country and abroad. These people ask to help and next thing you know you are at an ATM withdawing money, raped, murdered, trafficked or an organ donor. You never know! Be vigilant and if something like this happens to you, DON’T LET THEM IN YOUR CAR lock your doors and call the police immediately. I couldn’t sleep at all last night just thinking what could have happened to me. I had Anxiety attacks all day long! I am viewing things differently now. Sweet Springfield is gone! Please take care of yourselves. Pray for your safety every time you put that key in the ignition. But I was told this is happening in parking lots too! Please be careful and may God bless all of you.
Please share let people know. This is crazy and real!”


I bet it was the aliens.


Likely story.


Well, apparently, in a not-shocking-at-all development, we are completely fucking assholes for recognizing that this is a complete boldface lie. At least according to the numerous gullible idiots on her page.


Well, Laura, there is a reason to call her a liar. Mainly, the fact that she’s a liar.

And apparently doubting this completely unbelievable story makes us racist as well…


I respectfully disagree. Doubting this story does not make one a racist, nor a heartless asshole. It makes one intelligent, because this story falls nowhere within the realm of realistic or possible. It’s simply not true. Let’s remember that this woman was driven straight into the arms of the State Police in their barracks on nothing but the sheer power of the Holy Ghost, and yet somehow cannot produce a police report or any other shred of corroborating evidence. But she’s going to….right after her pity party ends.


Well, let me help you out right now. I took the liberty of messaging the Springfield Police myself:


And they confirmed, her story is complete and utter bullshit.


There you have it. She never drove to the barracks on the power of Christ, she never showed up there at all. The police never saw her car, or helped her push it, or any of the complete crap she wrote. She called to attempt to report her totally real Lifetime movie moment, 24 hours later. It’s almost like she posted this entire thing for attention, or to bolster an attempt to defraud her insurance company into paying to fix her shitty broken down car, or maybe as a precursor to a GoFundMe campaign. She does need car repairs, therapy and a gun now, after all.


Oh, did I fuck that up for you, Jackie? Good. Maybe next time don’t attempt to incite mass panic and suspicion because you’re a broke, bored loser with internet access and too much free time.


Be smarter than this, people. Really. If you fell for this shit, you need to do better. We need to make common sense common again. For fuck’s sake.


23 Comment(s)
  • tad
    July 29, 2019 at 5:53 am

    I fucked her…twice.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      July 29, 2019 at 7:32 am

      And where on the human anatomy is the twice?

  • Roy Jenkins
    July 4, 2019 at 4:14 pm

    I know that by now it seems I’m beating a dead horse, but for fucks sake BTC, learn how to upload full size images.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      July 5, 2019 at 3:59 am

      I know I’m flogging a dead horse, but for fuck’s sake, Roy – learn to zoom.

      Stupid cunt.

  • PeopleCallMeStretchNuts
    July 4, 2019 at 12:45 pm

    Of course she’s a Yankees fan

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    July 4, 2019 at 11:19 am

    Well well, she’s a Democrat. Who would’ve guessed?

    I don’t believe I know any liberal who doesn’t have a mental issue.

    This is just further proof to me.

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    July 4, 2019 at 10:40 am

    “Get in loser, we’re doing butt stuff.” LOL

  • The Name Game
    July 4, 2019 at 10:20 am

    I love shoutin’ Laura, “PEOPLE ARE SO EXTRA… .” This is the outcome we all expected. Maybe the TBS Store should market a red cap with your final line, “MAKE COMMON SENSE COMMON AGAIN.” But, dang it, Bristol, as I just commented on the first blog, I myself enjoy an occasional Malta Goya! (Channel the old Alka-Seltzer commercial “Try it, you’ll like it!”) – Hey, Y, give a buddy some help with embedding the video! Tnx in advance!

    • The Name Game
      July 4, 2019 at 10:24 am

      Pardon me, I meant the penultimate line. But the final line “For fuck’s sake” will do, too.

      MAAA: Make America America Again

  • Gash Basher
    July 4, 2019 at 9:45 am

    Bitch probably identifies as Latinx

  • Rizzo
    July 4, 2019 at 9:21 am

    Probably an anti-vaccination loser. Nobody cries for attention worse than those embarrassments.

  • hartf811
    July 4, 2019 at 9:20 am

    My car parked itself in my garage last night. There were empty beer cans all over the front seat. I was asleep on the couch. Aliens?

  • Make America Great Again
    July 4, 2019 at 9:11 am

    Cunty….. Time to replace the Commidor 64 ???

  • Two Patch Crappy Jack
    July 4, 2019 at 8:36 am

    We all knew it was bullshit from the start. But I just love watching these shitstain get called out.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    July 4, 2019 at 7:47 am

    I still commend Jacqueline for detailing how such a harrowing scenario could easily have occurred. If the perpetrators kidnapped me, more than likely I would have been trafficked for sex. Jacqueline has helped me to become ever vigilant and even less trusting of white men.

    • Liawatha
      July 4, 2019 at 9:53 am

      I also still want that 3way with her and cece, I actually just want cece to give me that big d already.. my asshole is puckering

  • Well, No Shit
    July 4, 2019 at 5:56 am

    “Most of the doubters…are white.”

    Yeah, because we’re fucking smart.

    Intelligence =\= racism. Cunt.

  • Just Sayin'
    July 4, 2019 at 5:40 am

    Unreadable screen captures, it appears as though you are talking to yourself. I imagine that mob was mentality challenged and “irradical,” so it’s a drag not to be able to read their comments. Just sayin’.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      July 4, 2019 at 6:05 am

      Try zooming in, you stupid cunt. #JustSayin


      • Itchy Balls
        July 4, 2019 at 6:52 am

        Imagine being computer illiterate in this day and age….

      • Stupid Cunt
        July 4, 2019 at 8:08 am

        Just to goddamn small to read. Zoomed in 400%, now it’s almost legible, mostly just a bunch of blurry dots forming vague letters. With a native resolution of 146 X 300 there isn’t much to start with…
        Bristol, I love you to the ends of the earth, but I almost never can make out the low-res screen shots of pure gold. can we work on that?

        • Jeff J
          Time for an Upgrade
          July 4, 2019 at 10:34 pm

          I’m using a S9+ and I have zero issues seeing them. Pro tip: Nintendo gameboy isn’t for internet use…..just sayin.

      • Just Sayin'
        July 5, 2019 at 3:21 am

        I swear i tried, and nuttin happened, so’s i tried again just now and it loomed large across the screen. can i get my GED now? and foodstamps…

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