Today Fall River voters are deciding on the future of Jasiel “Lap Dance” Correia’s leadership at the helm of their esteemed city. I’ll cover the results after the polls close at 8pm, but I’m assuming most of our readers haven’t paid very close attention to this election because, it’s Fall River. A major election in Fall River means 32 votes in by 8:50am. 

The Herald reports:

“At 8:50 a.m., 32 ballots had been cast at that polling place.

“We’ve only had a few so far,” said Shirley McHugh, the warden at the polls at Kuss Middle School. At 8:40 a.m., 28 ballots had been cast at Kuss.

“Usually we see people come between 4 and 6 p.m., when they are out of work,” she said.”

But I disagree, because most of Fall River’s voting base can’t drive after dark. It’s Fall River – at least a quarter of your work force is sitting at home right now because they do construction with their uncles and there’s still snow on the ground. They’re around – they’re just busying asking people for smokes right now.

Anyway, I can’t say I’ve been following the election that closely myself, outside of the ridiculous troll wars “Lap Dance” Correia keeps getting in to, but I feel like his chances are as good as ever because he’s still Portuguese and looks adorable dressed up like an adult in a suit. I’m pretty sure he got all 32 votes from the Vavos that had their daughters drive them in before work this morning. But I did a little research this evening so I’ve prepared a roster of the candidates on the ballot with as much as I know about them, and a couple free agents I’m gunning for. Cast your prediction vote, and then we can all hope Jasiel has more free time for Xbox live tomorrow, so Fall River politics can fade back into obscurity where it belongs.

It should be noted, that in my incisive probe into the politics of Fall River I stumbled across their website and discovered that outside of being exactly the sort of layout you would expect out of a city whose 27-year-old mayor runs it like a rap video.

DAWN, huh? Be douchey, you can’t. Dawn is Siri’s heroin addled cousin on her dad’s side. Who couldn’t tell me the date, time, or polling location, just show a picture of the ballot.

If the most important information for election day in your city is who is on the ballot, vote Correia!

Jasiel Correia

He’s been indicted on nine counts of wire fraud and four counts of filing false tax returns for defrauding investors on a bullshit app for $306,000 he blew on hookers and partying. He also was probably such a nice Portuguese boy growing up, who went to Providence College and also probably knows your weed dealer.

Joe Camara

He looks like he wants to sell me a car in every picture he takes, and can probably get me a good deal on a 2006 Honda Accord with just a few nicks on the bumper. He also has a good last name.

Paul Coogan

He worked for the Fall River School system. He was responsible for some facet of Fall River’s education. You decide. He also looks like he wants to call you “Sport”.

Kyle Riley

His teeth are too white to truly understand Fall River.

Erica Scott-Pacheco

I don’t know how her mother-in-law feels about her, so this one may be a wild card. She also shared screenshots of the Mayor posting his own Tinder login request …but hasn’t boxed his car in, in the middle of an otherwise empty parking lot, so she seems pretty professional by Fall River standards.

Scottie Medeiros and Joe Amaral (interchangeably)

Their videos are the only thing I like from Fall River.

The Fall River Guttermuppet

She is the living embodiment of the City of Fall River and is the second most recognizable face on this list.

I won’t tell you my vote to stay impartial, but it’s a candidate I really believe is the best thing for Fall River!