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Today’s Turtleboy guide to irresponsible parenting is brought to you by Michelob Light, your uncle’s weird friend who does bootleg prison tattoos and piercing in his basement, and the letter “S”, for “Shithoused”:

New Bedford Guide: On Friday September 14, at about 2:20 p.m. Wareham Police Officers were dispatched to the area of the Viking Drive, the High School, for a report of an intoxicated individual picking up children. Further, it was reported that school officials were attempting to stop the car, however the driver refused and headed up Viking Drive.

It’s back to school time in Massachusetts, y’all! I don’t know what that means to you, but to me it meant having to start getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning all over again after a few months reprieve, a huge list of school supplies and new clothes to buy, after work hours dominated by a rush to get dinner on the table after rushing around to pick the kids up from a myriad of activities, and the never ending battle of “Did you do your homework?” So, pretty much, good times for everybody.

But to Jenna Keaton of Wareham it apparently means one thing and one thing only…..day drinking, bitches! But, then again, she’s not a boring old “normal” mom like me, by the looks of it.

Oh yeah, she’s a cool mom.

Lady, you’re 47 years old. Please, just stop it.

So this past Friday, it would appear Jenna woke up, cooked the kids a well balanced, hot breakfast, and got them off to school for another day of responsible young adult citizenship and academic achievement.

Just kidding! She rolled out of bed most likely still reeking and teetering from the Old English she pounded the night before, got those little shits to school at the very last second possible, then headed back home to take some “mom time” to pound Michelob Lights and post the trashiest memes she could possibly come across online:

Looks like she got a pretty early start on Friday night.

A really, really early start.

So right after posting this telling status,

She gets behind the wheel of her car and does what any responsible mother does at 2pm on a Friday afternoon – drives shithoused to go pick up the kids.

When school officials tried to stop her from hightailing it out of there with a couple high schoolers in tow, this meatpuppet did what any responsible adult would, and said “Nope! I’m just gonna keep on going.” I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the unidentified crotch fruit in the vehicle all fell from her cave of blunders, as I doubt she’s at the top of anyone’s carpool list.

Naturally, when the police show up and quickly determined through “various observations”, which I would imagine included the stench of cheap beer and unshowered wang as soon as she opened her trap to probably offer up the stench trench to get out of her current dilemma, one of her future Mass Alliance on Teen Pregnancy alumni fuck trophies decided to jump out and defend Momma’s honor. Because, if you don’t teach your children to jump out of the backseat to flip the bird to your field sobriety live audience, what are you even really teaching them?

When asked by officers to just sit her ass down in the vehicle and let the two gentleman finish with her mother (which I assume isn’t the first time she’d hear that the 17 years since being pushed out of the clap canal), this fine young example did what any Barfly protege would do, and swing.

I can only imagine the chaos this scene must have been. Those poor officers were probably trying to contain their vomit because this

probably smells like a divebar urinal at closing time,

And then out of left field come two foul mouthed teenage after school specials, ready for battle, because nobody is taking their mom without a fight. You can’t fully blame the kid, however. How else are you supposed to turn out when your idea of a mother/daughter afternoon is a low speed chase out of the high school parking lot, and a trip downtown to get booked and visit the drunk tank? I occasionally take Bristol Jr to the nail salon with me. But I guess thats some quality time, too?

Guys, it goes without saying, if you get to the point where you can’t find time outside of carpool hour to get shitfaced when your kids are teenagers, you probably shouldn’t be in charge of raising kids. At that age they are usually dying to give you as much free time as possible, because parents are supposed to be lame. They are supposed to be busily testing your limits. And you’re supposed to have limits established. No teenager should ever feel comfortable making obscene gestures to ongoing traffic in front of a couple of cops, or resisting arrest – especially not with mom right. Fucking. There.

On top the fact that this drunken wide mouthed basshole was one bottom shelf margarita away from serious disaster at the pickup line, she’s setting a fucking horrifying example for her kids, and from the look of things, the message is being received loud and clear. It’s not that decent, well rounded functional human beings never come out of shittastically dysfunctional upbringings like this, sometimes they do. But the odds aren’t in your favor there, and mostly, the fermented fruit does not fall far from the intoxicated tree.

Look, parenting is hard, and human beings are not perfect. I’ve gotten sloppy drunk in front of my kids in the past, and I’m not fucking proud of it. Nobody is expecting the 18+ years we’re responsible for these human lives we create to be a flawless reproduction of a Norman Rockwell Calendar. Shit happens. But if you’re going to ride the rawdog express to Parentville, there has to be some sort of limit to how imperfect you can be. Kids are sponges, man, they’re watching you even when you don’t realize it, and THAT’s their frame of reference for what it means to be a human being. If they see you drink an entire bottle of Sutter Holmes sing Journey tunes at the top of your lungs once or twice, well, you’re forgiven, because humans are humans. But if they see you have to step out of the vehicle to walk a straight line while the busses are rolling through, then damn, you just need to do better.