All-Star Criminals

Wareham Wondermom Day Drinks, Drives to Pick Up Her Rancid Crotchfruit At Wareham High School, Posts “I Am That Girl” On Facebook, Gets Arrested While Kids Fight Cops

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Today’s Turtleboy guide to irresponsible parenting is brought to you by Michelob Light, your uncle’s weird friend who does bootleg prison tattoos and piercing in his basement, and the letter “S”, for “Shithoused”:

New Bedford GuideOn Friday September 14, at about 2:20 p.m. Wareham Police Officers were dispatched to the area of the Viking Drive, the High School, for a report of an intoxicated individual picking up children. Further, it was reported that school officials were attempting to stop the car, however the driver refused and headed up Viking Drive.

Upon arrival in the area, Officers Matthew Donovan and Justin Silveira saw the vehicle, and stopped it at the corner of Marion Road. After making various observations, officers asked the operator to step from the vehicle to perform field sobriety testing. During this time a 17 year old female jumped from the car and began swearing and making obscene gestures at buses and cars as they passed by. Officer Zina Kelsch, who had arrived to assist, advised the individual to return to the car. She refused to do that, instead swinging her arms, assaulting both Officers Kelsch and Silveira. The individual aggressively resisted arrest and the officers fell to the pavement during the scuffle. As officers were struggling, a third person stepped from the car and began to interfere with the arrest. After several commands to back off, this party fled the area. Officers made a call for assistance due to the fact school was letting out, and there was now a significant traffic problem. Furthermore, officers could no longer investigate the original complaint due to the scuffle now taking place. Other officers responded and order was restored.

The operator of the car was placed under arrest at the scene as well. Jennifer Keaton, 47, of Wareham, was charged with, operating under influence of liquor, child endangerment while OUI, and disturbing the peace. The juvenile female was charged with assault and battery on a police officer, disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, and resisting arrest. Ms. Keaton is due in Wareham District Court on Monday.

It’s back to school time in Massachusetts, y’all! I don’t know what that means to you, but to me it meant having to start getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning all over again after a few months reprieve, a huge list of school supplies and new clothes to buy, after work hours dominated by a rush to get dinner on the table after rushing around to pick the kids up from a myriad of activities, and the never ending battle of “Did you do your homework?” So, pretty much, good times for everybody.

But to Jenna Keaton of Wareham it apparently means one thing and one thing only… drinking, bitches! But, then again, she’s not a boring old “normal” mom like me, by the looks of it.

Oh yeah, she’s a cool mom.

Lady, you’re 47 years old. Please, just stop it.

So this past Friday, it would appear Jenna woke up, cooked the kids a well balanced, hot breakfast, and got them off to school for another day of responsible young adult citizenship and academic achievement.

Just kidding! She rolled out of bed most likely still reeking and teetering from the Old English she pounded the night before, got those little shits to school at the very last second possible, then headed back home to take some “mom time” to pound Michelob Lights and post the trashiest memes she could possibly come across online:


Looks like she got a pretty early start on Friday night.

A really, really early start.

So right after posting this telling status,

She gets behind the wheel of her car and does what any responsible mother does at 2pm on a Friday afternoon – drives shithoused to go pick up the kids.

When school officials tried to stop her from hightailing it out of there with a couple high schoolers in tow, this meatpuppet did what any responsible adult would, and said “Nope! I’m just gonna keep on going.” I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the unidentified crotch fruit in the vehicle all fell from her cave of blunders, as I doubt she’s at the top of anyone’s carpool list.

Naturally, when the police show up and quickly determined through “various observations”, which I would imagine included the stench of cheap beer and unshowered wang as soon as she opened her trap to probably offer up the stench trench to get out of her current dilemma, one of her future Mass Alliance on Teen Pregnancy alumni fuck trophies decided to jump out and defend Momma’s honor. Because, if you don’t teach your children to jump out of the backseat to flip the bird to your field sobriety live audience, what are you even really teaching them?

When asked by officers to just sit her ass down in the vehicle and let the two gentleman finish with her mother (which I assume isn’t the first time she’d hear that the 17 years since being pushed out of the clap canal), this fine young example did what any Barfly protege would do, and swing.

I can only imagine the chaos this scene must have been. Those poor officers were probably trying to contain their vomit because this

probably smells like a divebar urinal at closing time,

And then out of left field come two foul mouthed teenage after school specials, ready for battle, because nobody is taking their mom without a fight. You can’t fully blame the kid, however. How else are you supposed to turn out when your idea of a mother/daughter afternoon is a low speed chase out of the high school parking lot, and a trip downtown to get booked and visit the drunk tank? I occasionally take Bristol Jr to the nail salon with me. But I guess thats some quality time, too?

Guys, it goes without saying, if you get to the point where you can’t find time outside of carpool hour to get shitfaced when your kids are teenagers, you probably shouldn’t be in charge of raising kids. At that age they are usually dying to give you as much free time as possible, because parents are supposed to be lame. They are supposed to be busily testing your limits. And you’re supposed to have limits established. No teenager should ever feel comfortable making obscene gestures to ongoing traffic in front of a couple of cops, or resisting arrest – especially not with mom right. Fucking. There.

On top the fact that this drunken wide mouthed basshole was one bottom shelf margarita away from serious disaster at the pickup line, she’s setting a fucking horrifying example for her kids, and from the look of things, the message is being received loud and clear. It’s not that decent, well rounded functional human beings never come out of shittastically dysfunctional upbringings like this, sometimes they do. But the odds aren’t in your favor there, and mostly, the fermented fruit does not fall far from the intoxicated tree.

Look, parenting is hard, and human beings are not perfect. I’ve gotten sloppy drunk in front of my kids in the past, and I’m not fucking proud of it. Nobody is expecting the 18+ years we’re responsible for these human lives we create to be a flawless reproduction of a Norman Rockwell Calendar. Shit happens. But if you’re going to ride the rawdog express to Parentville, there has to be some sort of limit to how imperfect you can be. Kids are sponges, man, they’re watching you even when you don’t realize it, and THAT’s their frame of reference for what it means to be a human being. If they see you drink an entire bottle of Sutter Holmes sing Journey tunes at the top of your lungs once or twice, well, you’re forgiven, because humans are humans. But if they see you have to step out of the vehicle to walk a straight line while the busses are rolling through, then damn, you just need to do better.

9 Comment(s)
  • K. E.H.
    June 15, 2019 at 9:37 pm

    You need to do another blog on her. She was arrested in April for shoplifting with one of her crotchfruits st the Walmart in Wareham.

  • Richyrich
    September 21, 2018 at 8:57 am

    With her typical acerbic wit, Turtleboy has dispensed some pretty good advice on parenting. Always makes me wonder why these nitwits just can’t seem to grow up and continue to pretend they’re still 19 when they’re pushing 50. Hopefully her kids will not look to her as an example of how one should parent, but it’s not looking good.

  • Life goes on
    September 17, 2018 at 11:45 pm

    Hopefully this marks the low point and it’s all up from here. Godspeed to everyone involved 

  • TJB
    September 17, 2018 at 8:13 pm

    Maybe if she trimmed the stache’…..nah. Not enough Jack in the world.

    September 17, 2018 at 7:54 pm

    Looks like Elsa Hebden. Elsa would be very early 50s though, and her kids would be in their 30s, so likely she is a grandma…or possibly even a great grandma. LOL. She was a piece of work though. Affectionately referred to as a “grit,” she was a bully wannabe who had to hide behind fellow “grit,” Carolyn Spencer. LOL Anyone know either of these two “other side of Park Ave” beasts from the 80s? How you doing NOW “ladies?” Ha!!!! Being a badass didn’t pay off, I’m sure.

    • kitty keaton
      October 4, 2018 at 1:19 pm

      shut the actual fuck up with ur desperate ass we all kno u be fucking anything in ur sight.

  • Dirty dirty Jenna
    September 17, 2018 at 5:57 pm

    She should be the spokes person for STD’s and HIV. She has a pretty good reputation of being a cock gobbler. And is well known in every crack den in wareham to suck you off for 20

  • The Vorlon
    The Vorlon
    September 17, 2018 at 4:09 pm

    Do NOT want. Not even with a full body condom.

    WAY to high a chance of catching never-get-overs.

  • WeAreFucked
    September 17, 2018 at 3:38 pm

    I would.
    Because I probably can.
    You all are probably welcome to do her as well.
    What drunk girl ever says no?
    Sure, they do often regret after-the-fact, when they sober up and see my downstairs mix-up.

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