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You guys! Look, y’all know we scour the depths of the Internet on every single person we write about, but every so often we can’t find something important like a FB account. It happens. That’s were turtle riders come in! I know damn well that if I can’t find the shit I want to find, by day’s end one of you sexy mofo’s will hook me up! So, thank you to the oh so valued turtle rider who sent in Joseph Gardner’s not one, not two, but three friggin’ FB accounts (I freakin’ love you, Emily!). Pretty sure he just made a new one every time he was fresh out the joint.
Earlier today, we wrote about the sad ass pathetic scum bucket who resorted to stealing plants for his girl. Redaction time: That’s gotta be his baby mama because of course he had at least one kid. Apparently things weren’t always fantastic between these two love birds:
Andrea Marie, I think you and Auntie Manch need to have a bit of a sit down. When a guy like this states that he’s single and asks on FB if any girls are looking for a date, like some sort of ratchet cattle call, don’t “like” that shit…That’s an invitation for disaster.
Now, there were various ladies he was seeing in between his constant boo, which I won’t drag into this. Obviously, she knew he was bad enough not to stay with him more on than off over the years, and the other ladies were obvious time fillers who apparently can’t see a warning sign if it smacked them in the face. This should help with a bit of life experience:
There ya go. Don’t do this.
You know what a major red flag though? When scoping out a potential mate, swipe left upon seeing this:
Yeah, that’s him asking for a stimulant drug (amphetamine) on his wide open page. Dude, you’re not in college anym-…Bitch, you never went to college, stop. You would have thought he would have learned his lesson when this was where he was at about a year prior:
I have to ask this in all seriousness: why do people jump on posts about a person looking for drugs only when that shit is an opiate or illicit street drug? Like, don’t people not realize that drugs like this, benzodiazepines and others are just as deadly and addictive? Yes, some drugs are in fact more addictive, but they’re ALL addictive if they fall into the narcotic category, and any stimulant (like Adderall) and any benzodiazepine (like Klonopin, Xanax or Valium) do. Just because it wasn’t their drug of choice then doesn’t mean it’s fine now. Stahp! Dude was seriously arrested for narcotics in July. Which probably accounts for the whole “year in prison for stealing plants” thing.
You guys are going to die when you see how bad he is at being self aware. He’s as self aware as he is camera aware:
Speaking of self awareness…
Noooo he didn’t! He seriously changed his life and stopped stealing, you guys. Until he had an epiphany and came to understand that he was always a dirt bag and stealing people’s plants would be a step up for a guy like him. The best part of finding his profiles? When the first of his friends who noticed it was him on the news chimed in:
“You’re doing crackhead shit” That’s a Peabody pep talk if I’ve ever heard one. It seems like in that second one there that’s exactly what was happening, too. “Get cha game up, stop doing crackhead shit!” actually means “You are better than this. I see your potential and you’re wasting it. Please strive to do better!”.
Here’s a fucked up turn or events though. I immediately saw this and audibly laughed:
But then I saw what the GFM was for and saw this status:
And realized that he’s referring to the double murder during a carjacking that occurred around that time in Middleton last year. Evidently he was friends with one of the victims and the murderer. They were pretty much all from Peabody and he knew both of ’em. You are the company you keep. The GFM was to bury the victim he knew.
Between the drama, the bad descions, the baby momma, the ladies inbetween, the Henny:
The murderer friends, the prison time, the detoxes, the fucking everything about this guy…I’m almost impressed. That’s quite a feat to hit that many ratchet bingo squares. There’s even a flat brimmed hat!
I’ knew my boy, the “Bush Baron” would come through on some awful behavioural points, but not like this…This is just a sad surprise.
OK, where do I turn my bingo cards in?