Westport Cops Looking For Dude Who Demanded A Hiker Pleasure His Jurassic Pork And Then Chased After Him Buck Naked When He Declined

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WPRI: Police are working to track down a man who they say exposed himself and demanded sex from another man in a wooded area of Westport. Police said they responded Wednesday to Brookside Conservation Trail off American Legion Highway after they were contacted by the victim. The victim told police he tried to run away, but the suspect followed him along the trail while exposed. He was eventually able to make his escape and contact the authorities.Police on Friday identified the suspect as Philip Lafond, 53. They said he stands about 5-foot-11 and has tattoos on his neck and legs. His vehicle is described as an older-model Jeep Cherokee with Massachusetts registration 3ZB645 and his last known address was in Acushnet, police said.

Don’t you hate when that happens? You’re trying to go for a nice relaxing trail hike, and the next thing you know this face pops up out of the bushes and demands that you go to town on his vomit rod?

Here’s my question – how long was this guy waiting there naked? And how did he keep it hard? Seems like he’s pretty dedicated to his craft. Because I would imagine you have to dedicate a good chunk of your day if you set up shop in the woods and wait for the next contestant on the Let’s Make a Feel. And when that guy gets there, you better be willing to perform. Because what if he says yes? Then what? You gonna be the crazy naked guy in the woods who talks a big game but can’t finish the job? Hey bro, I said I’d do ya. Gimme something to work with or I’m signing for Crossfit.

Anyway, this guy is everything you dreamed a naked guy running after you in the woods would look like:

And even though Phil LaFond is a wanted man, it’s not stopping him from posting on the Facebook machine like it’s going out of style.

Phil’s one of those guys who shares stories about the local boob who’s trying to bang 15 year olds:

But don’t worry, Phil’s not shady like that. He only tries to shove his jurassic pork down your gullet if you’re male and of age.

So yea, if you’re in the Westport area and you think you’re going for a hike, you better make sure you’re fast, or really, really horny. Because Uncle Phil is out there, and he’s been prepping his bologna baton all day just for you.

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