Hoodrat Heroes

Why Are These Pawtucket Xanax Trap Queens Messaging Us To Buy Zans Off Turtleboy?

Why Are These Pawtucket Xanax Trap Queens Messaging Us To Buy Zans Off Turtleboy?

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Not sure how these rumors started, but we’d just like a moment to clarify that Turtleboy is NOT a Xanax salesman. I’m not sure why, but out of nowhere the other day these Rhode Island  ragtags started messaging us for the hookup. Started with Krystal Schofield:

First of all, if you’re gonna date a guy with a chin strap, he better be able to get you zans. Secondly, we have no clue who Jessica is. At first we figured she was trolling us. I mean, it’s the Turtleboy Sports Facebook page. She’s not even messaging a person. She’s messaging a business page for a blog and asking to buy drugs. But this chick really wanted her zannies, so we figured we’d play along and see what happened…..

But alas we were too late…

It’s cool though, because she saved France from ISIS.

Then today her Pawtucket pill pal Jessica Kane showed up inquiring about our services…

With a face like this:

You just know she’s the kind of chick who eats zannies with her Cheerios.

That’s what your girl Krystal gets for buying zannies off someone else. I told her I could’ve gotten her three for 15. But she was in such a rush that she chose immediate satisfaction over quality, and she ended up buying fake zannies. So the lesson here is, only buy Xanax off of Turtleboy.

Just kidding. We don’t really sell drugs. But our inbox sure is a magical place.



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23 Comment(s)
  • Leslie
    March 10, 2020 at 9:03 am

    You need to change the damn title
    There both born and raised in Smithfield. Like why do you put Pawtucket in the headline.

  • Lisa Goodinson
    March 9, 2020 at 9:33 am

    Please take this down in respect for the families suffering from Krystal’s passing recently. It’s not nice to be rude and hateful. Enough is enough. Think of it as “forgiveness”, for exploiting others in their midst of addiction wasn’t helping them, as you see now. Two of them have crossed over, and loved ones are hurting.

  • Dum ass
    March 9, 2020 at 1:03 am

    Krystal died from these very xanex so I’d take this down if I was u

  • Will
    October 6, 2017 at 11:06 pm

    that kid in the bulls hat is my older brother jared and he died in Krystal’s basement October 27 2014 his 3 year anniversary is coming up please take the picture of him down. Krystal is a horrible Person and I blame her for his death and so so many other people’s but Jared doesn’t deserve that shit u said about him

    • chrissy
      October 7, 2017 at 2:15 am

      hit them up via email, twitter, or fb, dear, and so sorry for your loss

  • Wabbitt
    October 5, 2017 at 2:47 am

    So… Crystal said she knows Jessica. And then Jessica said she knows Crystal. Something tells me they’d already taken a few zannies before trying to score drugs off a blog.

  • Heisenberg
    October 4, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    i gots vicadin, percs, and ritalin. Imma hit them chicks up.

  • Bill Clinton
    October 4, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    I’d do either of these broads anally without lube.

  • CJT
    October 4, 2017 at 3:19 am

    Once again my theory is confirmed. The bigger the forehead the more ratchet they are. It’s crazy. 99/100 ghetto-ratchet chicks I see have big foreheads. Now to figure out the correlation????

  • True Reality Speaks
    Mirror Mirror
    October 3, 2017 at 8:49 pm

    That was random and funny.

    BTW – No longer can the word “facts” ever be spelled correctly. It’s “FAX” or GTFO!

    You do need to credit that person (I forget which blog) that used it first, though. Preserve your integrity.

  • Christine
    October 3, 2017 at 7:43 pm


    • chrissy
      October 3, 2017 at 8:17 pm

      say wot?

  • Phong
    October 3, 2017 at 4:32 pm

    I wouldn’t trust them. Tell them you need a topless selfie to prove they ain’t no five-0.

    • They call me Ponch
      October 3, 2017 at 4:36 pm


      • chrissy
        October 3, 2017 at 4:38 pm


    • 3 for $15?
      October 3, 2017 at 11:17 pm

      That could go all wrong as I’m trying to figure out if Jessica use to be a dude! You could get a hairy chested picture

  • Hughbo Mont
    October 3, 2017 at 4:30 pm

    “I’m with stupid —–> ” t-shirts would be more appropriate.

  • They call me Ponch
    October 3, 2017 at 4:26 pm

    Seriously folks.

    Is there NO shame anymore?

    These are the not-so bright ones too. Most shifties go undetected.

  • Sue
    October 3, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    Lmao these two chics have to be the dumbest bitches by far!!!

  • 3 for $15?
    October 3, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    I thought I have seen all! WOW

  • The Vorlon
    The Vorlon
    October 3, 2017 at 3:41 pm

    The girlfiend looks like a form of space alien, ready to give you the full body probe…

    • Wabbitt
      October 5, 2017 at 2:48 am

      Well, I guess a Vorlon would know about aliens.

      She DOES kind of look like a Minbari…

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