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Junkbunny Who Tried Buying Xanax Off Turtleboy Tried Suing EMT After She Came After Him On An Ambulance Ride And Has Declared War On Turtle Riders

Junkbunny Who Tried Buying Xanax Off Turtleboy Tried Suing EMT After She Came After Him On An Ambulance Ride And Has Declared War On Turtle Riders

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For the first time ever today two junkboxes messaged the Turtleboy business page to ask if we had Xanax for sale. One of them was Jessica Kane, who according to her Facebook page lives in Pawtucket, but she insists she lives in Smithfield, RI. Odds are she knows her way around the Bucket though, and could probably tell you which corners yield the highest dividends. Just sayin. Anyway, she reached out to us looking for zannies:


But Jessica Kane was just warming up. Because it wasn’t enough to message a blog that frequently shames junkboxes and ratchets, looking for drugs, she had to take on turtle riders too…….

“I’ll beat ur ass corn.”

That’s a new one.

As you can see she is alleging that we are the ones who solicited her to see if she wanted to buy drugs off us. Ya got that? This is what Turtleboys do every day. We scour the Internet looking for junkboxes to sell our excess zannies to.


Anyway, turns out she doesn’t have a drug problem, her “job” just doesn’t offer health insurance. Naturally then her only recourse was to message Turtleboy and see what he was charging.

She can’t afford health insurance, but cash money sure ain’t a problem:

That right there is a lot of mushroom tip participation trophies!!

As you can see, she’s sticking to her story that we messaged her first, which obviously makes TONS of sense.

She kept posting a screenshot showing what appears to be us contacting her first, asking if she was looking for zannies. She just forgot that in the very blog she was commenting on anyone could clearly see that she was the one who initiated contact:


After that it was time to bust out the CAPS LOCK!!

Thirteen years is a long time to be prescribed Xanax. And by “prescribed” she means, “treated Diego to a basket lunch in exchange for illegal narcotics.”

Up next was the “I’ll fuck everyone up” portion of the Gospel of Ratchet:

Yea guys, she’s totally not a junkie. She just so happens to message random community Facebook pages looking to score drugs. And occasionally she gets busted with crack cocaine:

Besides that she’s totally NOT a junkie. But it’s all good in the hood because she got that shit dismissed!!

Therefore she never got caught with crack cocaine. (P.S. turtle riders are savage)

Next up in the ratchet script was the threat to call the cops:

So if you’re keeping score at home, this woman approached us about buying drugs, admitted to the cops that she did so, and the cops responded by turning their focus on cyberbullying. Because NOTHING IS MORE SERIOUS THAN CYBERBULLYING, EVEN ADDICTION!!

You can’t make this stuff up. Only on Turtleboy. This is why we are the greatest blog that’s ever existed. Good luck finding this sort of entertainment at Barstool.

But her story checks out because her uncle is the chief of police:

We just don’t know what town he’s the chief of police in. Wherever he is, I’m sure her imaginary uncle would be thrilled to find his junkie niece name dropping him on Turtleboy.

But wait, it gets better.

Last year she made headlines when she was getting her biweekly free ambulance ride to the ER when she claimed she was abused by one of the first responders. And in one of the greatest MSM fails of all time, NCB “Investigative” Team fell for her act hook, line, and sinker:

That interview was amazing. She literally puts on a blazer and some non-prescription glasses and the schmucks on this “I-Team” just assume she’s a law-abiding non-ratchet member of society.

A local woman turned to the NBC 10 I-Team for answers after she captured a confrontation inside a North Providence ambulance on cell phone video. The video shows an EMT lashing out at her, appearing to slap her in the face and swearing at her several times.

“He then smacked me across my face,” Jessica Kane said of the July 30 incident.

North Providence officers were responding to a domestic disturbance call when they came into contact with Kane, who is epileptic. A police report obtained by NBC 10 shows the officers saw her have a seizure and lose consciousness. They called the North Providence Fire Department for medical aid, and an ambulance arrived a short time later.

“As soon as I was put into the rescue, I was called a drug addict, which I am not,” she said. “I was just belittled so much. It made me feel like the people here to treat me were there to just accuse me.”

Oh yea, she’s TOTALLY not a drug addict. She’s just been arrested for crack cocaine and messages random Facebook pages with 99,000 followers to see if they can sell her Xanax. Oh, and her raspy “life kicked the shit out of me and I’m only 26” voice wasn’t a dead giveaway or anything like that. 

The video shows the EMT appear to slap Kane in the face, causing her to drop her phone.

“That’s assault!” she screams on the tape.

“I’ll give you assault!” the man responds.

Watch the video if you haven’t already. She’s all fucked up and aggressive and is taping the guy who probably knows her middle name, date of birth, and blood type because he deals with her so often. She won’t shut the fuck up and approaches him while taping. She gets too close. He pushes her away from him. 


That’s how stupid the NBC 10 “I-Team” is. 

The unidentified EMT can also be heard telling Kane to “shut the (expletive) up.” She said the verbal abuse continued once she arrived at the hospital, moments not captured in the video. “He said, ‘If you don’t get the F up off this stretcher, I’m going to rip you by your hair,’” Kane told NBC 10.

Funny that none of that is on the tape. Guess we’ll just have to take this crackbunny’s word for it. 

NBC 10 also reviewed the police report from officers who arrived that day. They noted that Kane was difficult to deal with, writing that, “Jessica was yelling and screaming in the middle of the road” and was “extremely belligerent.” The police report continues, saying that Kane “became hostile, trying to unbuckle herself and get off the stretcher.”

Boom. Mystery solved. 

Kane was released after spending about five hours at Fatima Hospital, and her cell phone was returned. That’s when she said she found the video she recorded in the ambulance in her iPhone’s “Recently Deleted” folder. She believes someone tried to erase it while the phone was out of her control. “I actually received my phone back and I saw that they tried to delete the video,” she said.

Oh yea, I’m sure that’s what happened. Why would she lie? She’s wearing a blazer and glasses!!

Kane hired an attorney and said she plans to file an assault complaint with Rhode Island State Police. As of Wednesday, state police said they had not yet received the complaint or been contacted by Kane about the incident.

Translation – she called up Dick N. Vulva, never paid him, got high, and never followed through with her massive lawsuit. 

Anyway, we were still confused how the hell Jessica Kane got the impression that we were zanny salesmen. Turns out there was a whole background story:

You can’t make this shit up. In August we blogged about this Lawrence ghettopoon selling Xanax on Facebook:

Evidently Jessica Kane read the headline of this blog, assumed that we were the ones selling zannies, waited until she got her check on the first of the month, and then hit us up for the hookup. 

Just another day at Turtleboy. Shit like this never gets old. I love my job way too much. One guy suggested that it was a slow week:

Dude, not one, but two junkbunnies messaged us assuming we sell Xanax from our Facebook page. If you don’t think that’s getting blogged about then you don’t know Turtleboy. 

Exactly!! Someone gets it!


From now on I think this is what you people should start doing:

Brilliant. This could be a weekly segment. 


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15 Comment(s)
  • October 6, 2017 at 11:43 pm

    It’s well known in the EMS/hospital community that patients try recording staff. Personally, if someone was recording me without my permission and I had the chance to delete it from their phone, I would. Not because I’m trying to hide anything, but because the person doesn’t have the right to record me while I’m at work. I work in a hospital and we regularly call security when we even THINK someone is recording/taking photos of staff.

    I’ve also personally seen these types of people. They get into it with their boyfriend/girlfriend, the cops show up, they think they’re going to jail, so the fake a seizure. Then they treat EMS and hospital staff like shit.

  • Wabbitt
    October 5, 2017 at 3:39 am

    This was absolute gold. I wish I could direct some junkbox to TB to buy drugs, but damn near everyone I know reads TB on the daily.

  • Biker Chick
    October 4, 2017 at 8:16 pm

    No surprise she’s a ratchet from the hairy armpit state. They just love to sue for fun and profit! Who texts random people for illicit drugs anyway? Someone not to smart but who also has plenty of time to waste, no way she works with those ratchet nails, she’s probably on SSI for some kind of make believe disability too.

  • Metro West Atty.
    October 4, 2017 at 9:18 am

    I actually just went on Barstool to see if they’d be anything as entertaining as this and not a single blog other than something about the Yanks.

    Everything else is directed at one pod cast or the other. Thats way TBS is at the top of the game.

    Sadly, one day TBS will be bought out by a private equity firm, told to blog less about rachet life and food stamp scammers and develop more Bacheleortte themed podcasts and try to get sold to ESPN.

  • 2wEntEe
    October 4, 2017 at 8:31 am

    Irony is, she’s doing it to herself.
    If she would just shut up then it wouldn’t have ever gotten this far but it’s not cyber bullying when you keep instigating the situation.

  • bigdaddy
    October 4, 2017 at 6:43 am

    sorry but ghetto aint sexy

  • Kerri Bishop
    October 4, 2017 at 3:03 am

    Exeter PD had a Chief Kane that retired a few years ago. Maybe it’s him… or there is a rapper of some sort name Chief Kane… which is really more likely with this junk box.

    • BH
      October 4, 2017 at 11:24 am

      Exeter MA or Exeter NH? Exeter RI doesn’t have a police department.

  • msheadkracker
    October 4, 2017 at 1:08 am

    The thread was epic, she is the most ghetto thing to walk the earth. She even posted a video talking shit and bragging she was famous. Just go read the Facebook thread! FR FR 100 percent emoji!

  • What?
    October 3, 2017 at 11:35 pm

    And WHERE did the I-Team do that interview? The CEO’s office?

    • Kerri Bishop
      October 4, 2017 at 3:01 am

      I’m pretty sure they have a set for these “investigative” interviews with an array of school marme clothes and fake glasses to “class up” the junkies who sue the Police/Fire Departments.

  • What?
    October 3, 2017 at 11:30 pm

    Sounds as if the EMT could have used a few Xanax.

      October 4, 2017 at 6:59 am

      This is the Turtle Boy I love! This is the kind of article that makes you laugh and makes you feel better about your own miserable life because hey we could be Ms Kane but we are not so life could be worse so smile give the wife a lil pickle tickle buy the kids a new Xbox game and enjoy that next beer because it’s not that bad after all.

      • Sue
        October 4, 2017 at 8:23 am

        Lmao.. ahh such a stupid little thing. Made my day!! Im not a junkie, I’ve had a hard life.. I’ve been on these 13 years and when you withdraw from these you have seizures.?!? Is that what was happening? Does she have Epilepsy? Or was it all just benzo withdrawal that she was suffering from.

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