All-Star Criminals

Yarmouth Yogurt Guzzler Defends Baby Daddy Fentanyl Dealer With 71 Priors And A Masshealth Card After DEA Bust

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Drug busts on Cape Cod are becoming more common than flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats on dooshozzles…..

Seventy one priors!! This dude’s been arrested a billion times, and yet THIS was still confiscated during the raid:

A Goddamn Masshealth card. Welcome to Massachusetts, where convicted felon heroin dealers with 71 priors get taxpayer funded health insurance.

I think we can all agree this is bad right? Well, not so quick according to Kristen Kelly:

Have you been in the streets? Ummm, you live on Cape Cod. This ain’t Baltimore, and you are not a character on The Wire. The part of the Cape where the Kennedy’s vacationed to until gutter pubes like you started rolling over the bridge from your ratchet crevices in the south shore.

Apparently this broad is Jimmy Shitstain’s baby momma of the week.

Who can resist the raw sex appeal of a man who grabs his cervix scraper while posing for romantic mirror selfies in section 8 crackhouses?

According to her he is the “smartest man I’ve ever met.” And based on the kind of men that a trap queen like this is likely to take crab fishing in her Dead Sea, that might actually be true.

So he’s wicked smart, just not smart enough to avoid getting busted by the cops.

Don’t worry though, he could and would do anything he wanted to when he’s “ready,” and he will. At any moment now he may decide to be a law abiding astronaut who discovers a cure for cancer, but until then he’ll be busy going through this fentanyl distributor phase of life. Who can’t relate to that?

She also left this manifesto on her Facebook page for the haters:


“His daughter is his whole world.”

No, his daughter is definitely not his whole world. If she was then he wouldn’t be a heroin dealer, knowing that the punishment for selling heroin is being taken away from your daughter.

“He has done nothing but take care of me and my son through good times and bad.”

Oh good, as long as he took care of you, that’s all that matters. All those people he sold poison to who overdosed on his product, they don’t matter. Just you.

“Anyone who knows him knows he’s the most smartest and compassionate to walk this earth.”

Oh yea, because when I think of heroin dealers the first word that comes to mind is “compassionate.”

Luckily she’s praying for the haters:

“I hope when something happens to your family members you see what it feels like.”

Yea well, none of my family members sell heroin, and if they did I’d kick them right in the cunt. So I don’t think I’ll have to see what that feels like after all.

After that it was time to defend his honor some more on the YPD Facebook page:

Yea guys, priors don’t mean convictions. He’s beaten at least 5 or 6 of those 71 charges. And the “convicted felon” part of the press release doesn’t mean he’s been convicted either, right? Plus, it’s been six years since his last charge, and since then he’s been keeping his nose clean by selling fentanyl out of his ratchet den in Yarmouth while using taxpayer funded health insurance.

Newsflash – everything I need to know about this fucknuckle can be summed up in five pictures:



Stickers still on hat

Dog filter

And of course……..

The hat. Because, of course the hat.

We wanted to hear her side of the story so we reached out to her for comment….

“Our wonderful judicial system lets him free every time. I love Massachusetts.”

The fact that this is the kind of saucemobile who thinks that the judicial system is working well in Massachusetts tells you everything you need to know about judges in Massachusetts.

Wait….did she just claim that the digital scale the cops found in her place is the same scale she uses to weigh herself in the bathroom? HAHAHHAHAHAH!! That’s a new one. Apparently she wants to see if she weighs an eighth of an ounce, or if that extra slice of cheesecake made her a full half a zip. Oh, and you don’t step on digital scales. They fit in the palm of your hand. Besides that her story has very little holes in it. Unfortunately her body has many holes in it that are often plugged by Yarmouth wangbangers.

Plus, they didn’t find the drugs in her house so it’s all good:

Oh I see. This was all a huge misunderstanding. Sure, she lives with a man who sells poison to junkies, which automatically makes them a target for rival drug dealers, but the product is in the cab at all times so they’re basically parents of the year.

But what about all that cash?

Oh snap, she be edumucated!

She’s not like those junkie prostitutes we usually blog about. She just lives with a guy who sells to them. That’s way better.

Anyway, this guy is a shithead and he couldn’t die faster. I don’t always agree with Trump, but death to heroin dealers does have a nice ring to it. As for her, I look forward to her continuing to run her pole polisher and in doing so make life extremely difficult for his court appointed attorney. Therefore we henceforth invite her onto Turtleboy Live next weekend so she can update Uncle Turtleboy on the details of the case and let us know just how wrong we truly are.

52 Comment(s)
  • Harvey Weinstein
    April 4, 2018 at 8:36 am

    Hey, would this chick like a part in a movie? Send her up to my office.

  • Executioner
    April 3, 2018 at 10:47 pm

    She’s a douche nozzle and he’s a soulless asshole. Trump was right about one thing – there should be the death penalty for dealers. It should be a summary death penalty where all appeals have to be concluded in one year.

    Prisons should be run like the old Nazi concentration camps where you are only getting 800 calories per day. Lockup should be for 24 hours a day 5 days a week. Right now, there is no fear of prison. When did we decide that cruel and unusual was so bad? If you’re a third striker prison should be something that you fear, and not as a social meeting place for your boys in the hood.

    For the life of me I don’t understand why we take such a middling position. Either we punish the duck out of these assailed or we rehabilitate them. There can’t be any middle ground.

    As far as racism goes, just read these losers Facebook posts where they refer to each other as nigga. God forbid if I call them a nigga- I’d be hearing from the NAACP or every other PC police. If you want racism to stop then do your part to stop the perpetuation of the stereotype. Lose the Bulls hat. Lose the gross looking chin strap. Stop wearing you pants past the crack of you ass. GET A REAL JOB.

  • Child Protective Turtle
    April 3, 2018 at 4:42 pm

    Ok Turtle riders, whatever you do, DON’T report Kristen Kelly to DCF. She looks like a great mom, probably mother of the year, and it would be a damn shame if she got hundreds of 51as filed on her. Or, maybe not, shes an edumacated young lady adept at beating the system. Just DON’T report Kristen Kelly of 125 Lewis Road Hyannis, MA to child protective services for being a filthy junk whore who allows drugs to be sold and used around her children. DONT DO IT

  • That's the real dead guy
    April 3, 2018 at 2:09 pm

    That loser she’s kissing actually looks “deader” in that pic than that other Webster (that midget actor) looking thug dead corpse dude.

  • Captain Trips
    The House of Many Cums
    April 2, 2018 at 4:54 pm


    Do you have a daughter 16 or under that self-harms?

    If so, I’d like to invite her for a sleepover pillow party

  • Derrp
    April 2, 2018 at 2:19 pm

    She told you to get you FACKS straight. You better ruin her life worse than Leigha Genduso’s. I am counting on you TBS

  • panzer9811
    April 2, 2018 at 12:59 pm

    ‘Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness’ (on one of this lovely couple’s photos).
    Soooo…did she have a miscarriage?
    Huh. I wonder why? What could have caused that? Let us all ponder.
    Neuter and spay……………… it today.

  • Kevi
    April 2, 2018 at 10:48 am

    He wears white pants and likes going to jail. His fondness for bulls has nothing to do with basketball!

  • HyannisSnatcher
    April 2, 2018 at 10:37 am

    Has anybody looked at this kids rap sheet? Holy fuck, where to begin –
    a) JIMMY LEE PERRY – 4/7/2014 – Aggravated Assault and Battery for the stabbing, also charged with a second count of Aggravated Assault and Battery for beating the victim with the solid iron pipe;
    b) 2 arrests, the fuck, 1st time, 9/11/2011, 1st time, charged with trafficking heroin 14-28 grams; 2nd time, four grams of heroin and $2,985 ; that’s just a sample.
    Now this. And the GF makes up the sorriest excuses I have seen yet. She should be ramped up to 2nd seed in Madness, as an automatic bid.

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    Jack Straw from Wichita
    April 2, 2018 at 10:00 am

    When did the Cape become ratchet central? How do they afford to live there? Oh wait….

    • Maggie the Cat
      April 2, 2018 at 3:50 pm

      They can afford to live on the Cape thanks to Section 8. The landlords don’t care what they do, as long as they get that Section 8 payment from the state.

  • Sloppy
    April 2, 2018 at 9:49 am

    Some states have “3 strikes and you’re out”.
    In Massachusetts, we have “71 strikes and you’re out… on the street collecting welfare”.

  • Real_Finn
    April 2, 2018 at 9:24 am

    Hey Kristen Kelley,

    You’re so proud of your “man” (I use this term *very* lightly) beating the system. Skank suits you well.

    1. Magic bullet for your “smoothies”? You haven’t seen a smoothie in years. You live solely on red bull and 7-11 hotdogs.
    2. Baggies for “legos”? You’re a dirty skank who has NEVER cleaned up after your son. You don’t put anything in those baggies but poison.
    3. Bathroom scale . In. The. Livingroom. You don’t care about decor in the livingroom. You live like a dirty, disgusting pig. I am counting the days that you get your kids taken away.

    All you care about distributing poison and getting more and more people hooked on that filth. Maybe the children in your kid’s class will be your next clientele. Wouldn’t that be nice? Instead of making cookies or cake pops (those are a pain in the ass – let me tell you), you can give out little sample baggies of your man’s product. Maybe your kid will get tangled up in *your* world. It’s called karma. Karma ALWAYS bats last. Trust me on that.

    Get Fucked,

    • Anon
      April 2, 2018 at 9:42 am

      If they look into Kristen Kelly this story will explode…. junkies? That’s the pot calling the kettle black huh? keep digging turtle promise you won’t be disappointed.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    April 2, 2018 at 9:21 am

    Gypsies tramps and thieves

  • just pasing thru
    April 2, 2018 at 9:14 am

    OK kids, a side rant: Do you ever hear all the accusations against TB and TBS that TB/TBS is “racist”?

    TB/TBS responds with ” nothing we ever have posted can be construed as racist”, which is true, but the people who comment on Turtleboy’s stories are using racist terms and for what reason?
    You can’t make your point without lowering yourselves to the level of the people you are criticizing?

    If you can’t make your argument without lowering the collective IQ of the Turtle riders, than you need to rethink your comments.

    There isn’t one of the subjects of a TBS blog that you can not slice to pieces without going into the gutter

    Ever hear of Godwin’s law? We have a similar situation here in the comments section every day.

    Cut the shit, raise the bar, make your (valid) points, and we won’t have the DiDi’s of the world able to say a bad thing about us.

    • Bret
      April 2, 2018 at 9:23 am

      The trashy cuntwarts throwing racial slurs around arent real Riders. They’re just shitdicked pussies who cross the street when they see black or brown people walking towards them

      • White guilt
        April 2, 2018 at 10:40 am

        I was going to ask right away if anyone knew whether or not Kristen Kelly’s middle name began with a K. I didn’t because it wasn’t funny. Would that have satisfied Godwin’s law?

    • Real_Finn
      April 2, 2018 at 9:30 am

      Are you really trying to chastise people? Son, you can’t herd cats.


      • TortugaNino
        April 2, 2018 at 1:34 pm


      • Kathleen
        April 2, 2018 at 3:26 pm

        WE HAVE NO CATS FINN!!!!

    • Social Justice Whackoff
      April 2, 2018 at 1:52 pm

      “OK kids”. You fucking smartass punk. You’re talking about people “lowering the collective IQ”, and you’re incapable of spelling “passing through”.

  • HeroinUser
    April 2, 2018 at 8:57 am

    The $3000+ in cash – it’s going in the bank to pay the bills. Okay… where did the cash come from? If you have $3k in monthly bills, what are you legally doing to earn that cash?

    How many dicks have scraped her cervix? I’m guessing 40+ I’ll be #41.

  • Ronzi o
    April 2, 2018 at 8:38 am

    Can we feed all drug dealers medication from New England Compounding Center that would get the job done quick aka meningitis style.
    How come the sales manager from NECC is getting immunity for false testimony.?
    If you ask salespeople to shred documents proving that you knew felonies were being committed how can the government give you immunity for your questionable testimony.

  • Bill Clinton
    April 2, 2018 at 8:11 am

    She could guzzle my yogurt any time.

    • Captain Trips
      Hillary Clinton
      April 2, 2018 at 11:41 am

      Listen Bill, If you sleep with that woman I’m going to have to have her beat up by my goons! And then publicly berate her!

  • BostonBobby
    April 2, 2018 at 8:06 am

    It just doesn’t get any better than this. Could that guy look any more like a douchebag with his skag girlfriend by his side making excuses for him? Hopefully he’s sent to jail and she begins her on again off again career at Dunkin donuts for the rest of her life. Oh a wait, that’s work… How about he goes to jail and she hooks up with another dude dumping him almost immediately until her looks give out and she gains about 150lbs and lives in government housing for the rest of her days.

  • LSD
    April 2, 2018 at 8:02 am

    Since there really isn’t a deterrent to this crime. I mean these pieces of crap get arrested then are cut loose right away! You can see that this female does not think that what the love of her life is doing is bad. These people are not employable, my guess is that they have a short term life expectancy. The only thing they can do is procreate! If we take away all the freebies, oh there would be riots in the streets at first, but in the long term crap like this would not survive. I say lets give it a try!

  • Jose Medina Lopez concepsion demingez
    April 2, 2018 at 7:43 am

    I hear crickets from the usual crowd that caps on Hispanics and African Americans when one turns up with a bulls hat getting arrested . Big silence when it’s a white kid .

    • Cracker
      April 2, 2018 at 10:55 am

      He’s not white, you fucking wetback. Neither are you. You fucking Hispanics create half of all the country’s problems, and then you try to hide among whites. We’re not fooled, and we’re sick of your shit. Spics aren’t white unless they come from Spain. The rest of you are bongo beating savages.
      Realize that, and fuck off.

    • Cracker
      April 2, 2018 at 10:58 am

      P.S. As if you didn’t know this fuckhead Perry is a spic just like you. Fucking clown.

  • Scabies,LiceandCrabs
    April 2, 2018 at 7:21 am

    Oh my!

    • Tageman
      April 2, 2018 at 10:40 am

      In the back of Clockwork Orange there is a glossary of the slang terms used in the book. We could use this for Turtle boy stories. Yogurt guzzler??. I think I know but the glossary would be funny

      • panzer9811
        April 2, 2018 at 12:44 pm

        “foodstampopotamus” (sp?)was one of my favorites!

  • whatevuh
    Dick Hertz from Holden
    April 2, 2018 at 7:04 am

    She’s actually not bad looking. Too bad what she’s doing to herself. Bad life choices hunny.

  • R
    April 2, 2018 at 6:43 am

    “Strength shows and weakness flows. Real recognize real”. Man that was deep. That’s right. It’s never his fault. It’s the government! But hey, the feds told her how smart and well cared for her son was. Nothing like grooming the next generation by raising your son with a dealer.

  • Red Meat
    April 2, 2018 at 6:39 am

    She openly admitted to you guys she keeps shit in her home along with her drug pushing bf. That’s enough for DCF to come take yo baby. If she was a real woman who cared about her child she would shut the fuck up and kick this dude to the curb, like yesterday.

  • Leigha Genduso
    April 2, 2018 at 1:43 am

    he shouldnt sell drugs its bad and he should die for it.

  • K
    April 2, 2018 at 12:56 am

    Stop saying people need to die. you should be respecting life, all life, even if they don’t respect life. these articles your making lately are making you sound just as bad as the men I see in these articles making lately. you sound just as bad as the people you are writing about. being the bigger person really makes you a bigger person in the end.

    • Bye
      April 2, 2018 at 1:19 am

      Kill your local heroin dealer

      • Real_Finn
        April 2, 2018 at 8:58 pm

        best line ever.

    • Thug Life Ender
      April 2, 2018 at 7:43 am

      Yeah, I’ll be the bigger person, you fucking cunt. Here goes.

      Going forward, any white whore caught fucking a soulless pusher of a spic like this should get a 10 minute bullwhip treatment deep in the woods where the word “help” won’t be heard, followed by her being made to watch the fentanyl dealing piece of shit tied to a telephone pole and burned alive while it gets blamed on the MS -13 spics.

      You’re also the same fucking coon who’s creeped on this site last week. Step the fuck off our business, and while you’re at it, cease all fucking interaction with white people and move the fuck away from us so we can clear up the fucking problem you niggers and spics created with your “thug life” criminal- glorifying ghetto shit. You spooks and greaseballs create these problems and have the fucking balls to tell us to be nice to these subhumans when they do this shit? Fuck you. We should be more compelled to treat them like insects now.

      I’m saying this for the kids: Get the fuck away from us, spics and niggers. You can’t be fixed, but whites can after your influence is removed. Fuck off and die.

    • Ron Nasty
      April 2, 2018 at 8:00 am

      Fuckin’ right. We gave minorities enough time and breaks to fix themselves, and nothing changed. Time’s up, assholes. We’re done.

      • Hughbo Mont
        April 2, 2018 at 1:21 pm

        And don’t forget EEO laws…

      • Fuck off
        April 2, 2018 at 3:07 pm

        You sit here and saying “weve Given you minorities enough time” when you don’t realize you WHITE PEOPLE were the minorities and stole this land from the Indians cuz you racist pieces of Shit think pure always entitled to something. It’s 2018 and you people are still being racist trump got your head fuck up cuz you wouldn’t say that to a black or Hispanic face. Computer thug. Smh y’all stand behind a dude who stands behind a computer to down talk other peoples lives cuz he got picked on in school and a black and Hispanic dude probably fucked his girl. YOure all cowards aNd would never say it to these people faces he makes the articles about. Smh

        • Thug Life Ender
          April 2, 2018 at 4:51 pm


          You blacks and Hispanics are the reason for the second amendment. All the bitching about the second amendment has to do with blacks and Hispanics making neighborhoods unsafe in the first place. YOU’RE THE REASON WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO CARRY WEAPONS. YOU’RE THE REASON FOR BAD NEIGHBORHOODS, PIMPS, THE OPIOID EPIDEMIC, ETC. IT’S BLACKS AND HISPANICS. IT’S YOU, YOU FUCKING SUBHUMAN.




          • -TheNiggerSpic
            April 3, 2018 at 9:32 am

            I Totally forgot the only people who support this piece of shit blog and the racist shit he says are the other racist piece of shits like yourself, and bro how the fuck do you sound right no? are there any poppy fields in America? Do any black or Hispanic families own a poppy field? Matter fact how does the heroin and coke and other shit get over here from places like Afghanistan and Asia and Colombia? Sure the fuck not black people or Hispanics because they don’t have planes or the resources to do that. But i will Tell you who the biggest supplier in the opiate epidemic is… the us government they have soldiers at the poppy fields in Afghanistan watching over the poppy fields. Sure the fuck not hector or Dwayne from the hood ain’t flying that shit over here. Talking about that’s the only reason the second amendment exists because that shit was created well before black people were free from slavery. That’s FACTS, not FACKS. You’re so ignorant it’s disgusting so you’re saying white oeople don’t commit no crimes and aren’t drug addicts because most of the drug addict and drug dealers are fucking white people you moron. I cant Argue with you cuz you literally sound so dumb. And don’t get it confused I wasn’t sticking up for this kid either I was speaking up against racism and ignorance that never died and u have the nerve to say we’ve had enough time. ANyways I’m done now going back and forth with someone who is so ignorant. So instead i hope YOu have a great day with nothing but blessings coming your way ✊

        • Thug Life Ender
          April 2, 2018 at 5:29 pm

          Fucking douchebag. You think white people don’t “smh” every night when we see blacks and Hispanics on the fucking news??

          Yeah, “weve Given you minorities enough time”. How much more motherfucking time do you need to stop the shit? Or are you going to blame white people forever for everything? Is it our fault it snows in spring, too? Fucking cunt.



    • z
      April 2, 2018 at 8:26 am

      I’ve always felt shame and ridicule are more effective than court and jail. She’s currently feeling the burn.

    • Bret
      April 2, 2018 at 9:19 am

      Shut your cockwasher kid

  • Blackie O'connell
    April 2, 2018 at 12:33 am

    This pisses me off the Mass Health that these fucks get

  • The Vorlon
    The Vorlon
    April 2, 2018 at 12:23 am

    Why don’t we be nice and give him back his poison. All at once. It was above LD50, should get him off the Mass Health rolls.

    And spay her.

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