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Drug busts on Cape Cod are becoming more common than flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats on dooshozzles…..
Seventy one priors!! This dude’s been arrested a billion times, and yet THIS was still confiscated during the raid:
A Goddamn Masshealth card. Welcome to Massachusetts, where convicted felon heroin dealers with 71 priors get taxpayer funded health insurance.
I think we can all agree this is bad right? Well, not so quick according to Kristen Kelly:
Have you been in the streets? Ummm, you live on Cape Cod. This ain’t Baltimore, and you are not a character on The Wire. The part of the Cape where the Kennedy’s vacationed to until gutter pubes like you started rolling over the bridge from your ratchet crevices in the south shore.
Apparently this broad is Jimmy Shitstain’s baby momma of the week.
Who can resist the raw sex appeal of a man who grabs his cervix scraper while posing for romantic mirror selfies in section 8 crackhouses?
According to her he is the “smartest man I’ve ever met.” And based on the kind of men that a trap queen like this is likely to take crab fishing in her Dead Sea, that might actually be true.
So he’s wicked smart, just not smart enough to avoid getting busted by the cops.
Don’t worry though, he could and would do anything he wanted to when he’s “ready,” and he will. At any moment now he may decide to be a law abiding astronaut who discovers a cure for cancer, but until then he’ll be busy going through this fentanyl distributor phase of life. Who can’t relate to that?
She also left this manifesto on her Facebook page for the haters:
“His daughter is his whole world.”
No, his daughter is definitely not his whole world. If she was then he wouldn’t be a heroin dealer, knowing that the punishment for selling heroin is being taken away from your daughter.
“He has done nothing but take care of me and my son through good times and bad.”
Oh good, as long as he took care of you, that’s all that matters. All those people he sold poison to who overdosed on his product, they don’t matter. Just you.
“Anyone who knows him knows he’s the most smartest and compassionate to walk this earth.”
Oh yea, because when I think of heroin dealers the first word that comes to mind is “compassionate.”
Luckily she’s praying for the haters:
“I hope when something happens to your family members you see what it feels like.”
Yea well, none of my family members sell heroin, and if they did I’d kick them right in the cunt. So I don’t think I’ll have to see what that feels like after all.
After that it was time to defend his honor some more on the YPD Facebook page:
Yea guys, priors don’t mean convictions. He’s beaten at least 5 or 6 of those 71 charges. And the “convicted felon” part of the press release doesn’t mean he’s been convicted either, right? Plus, it’s been six years since his last charge, and since then he’s been keeping his nose clean by selling fentanyl out of his ratchet den in Yarmouth while using taxpayer funded health insurance.
Newsflash – everything I need to know about this fucknuckle can be summed up in five pictures:
Stickers still on hat
And of course……..
The hat. Because, of course the hat.
We wanted to hear her side of the story so we reached out to her for comment….
“Our wonderful judicial system lets him free every time. I love Massachusetts.”
The fact that this is the kind of saucemobile who thinks that the judicial system is working well in Massachusetts tells you everything you need to know about judges in Massachusetts.
Wait….did she just claim that the digital scale the cops found in her place is the same scale she uses to weigh herself in the bathroom? HAHAHHAHAHAH!! That’s a new one. Apparently she wants to see if she weighs an eighth of an ounce, or if that extra slice of cheesecake made her a full half a zip. Oh, and you don’t step on digital scales. They fit in the palm of your hand. Besides that her story has very little holes in it. Unfortunately her body has many holes in it that are often plugged by Yarmouth wangbangers.
Plus, they didn’t find the drugs in her house so it’s all good:
Oh I see. This was all a huge misunderstanding. Sure, she lives with a man who sells poison to junkies, which automatically makes them a target for rival drug dealers, but the product is in the cab at all times so they’re basically parents of the year.
But what about all that cash?
Oh snap, she be edumucated!
She’s not like those junkie prostitutes we usually blog about. She just lives with a guy who sells to them. That’s way better.
Anyway, this guy is a shithead and he couldn’t die faster. I don’t always agree with Trump, but death to heroin dealers does have a nice ring to it. As for her, I look forward to her continuing to run her pole polisher and in doing so make life extremely difficult for his court appointed attorney. Therefore we henceforth invite her onto Turtleboy Live next weekend so she can update Uncle Turtleboy on the details of the case and let us know just how wrong we truly are.