Bone Ride

If You Don’t Like Worcester’s Kelley Square Then Please Get Off The Road

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So the other day we wrote a blog about the top 5 worst streets in Worcester for traffic. I thought it was a pretty non-controversial blog but somehow we find a way to offend everyone regardless of the topic. I mean, we talking bout TRAFFIC here people!! Traffic!! Today we will discuss one of Worcester’s most famous landmarks – Kelley Square.

For the record I was borderline on including Grafton street in there. Highland, Cambridge, Park Ave, and Main Street were no-brainers. For the fifth slot I had to pick between Grafton, Vernon St, Chandler St, Burncoat St, Pleasant St, and Belmont St. I went with Grafton because Belmont is basically a continuation of Highland, Chandler is two lanes in the “cultural” part of the street, Pleasant St is wide, and Vernon St is pretty short. Grafton street is a 4 mile nightmare, that’s why it made the list.

But the comments that I thought were most hilarious were these ones:

“I’m surprised kelly square wasn’t top 5 when there’s traffic over there that place is a death trap gotta hope you make it out alive every time.”

“you all forgot about kelley square. that is a nightmare.”

“Kelley Square is the worst”

Listen up geniuses:

1) Kelley Square isn’t a street, so it would be hard to rank it in the top 5 worst streets for traffic.

2) Anyone who struggles with Kelley Square needs to get the hell off the roads because you’re getting in the way of people who know what they’re doing.

There are only two types of people who have trouble with Kelley Square – townies and morons. Carpetbaggers from Sutton get nervous because they heard about this mythical intersection in driver’s ed. Morons on the other hand have lived in Worcester their entire lives aggravating everyone around them. But fear not, these people don’t have to ruin your day. For the record, this is how you drive through Kelley Square coming from Madison Street. Watch and learn:

First you’ll notice that often there is a long line that has been built up because the egghead in front can’t figure out how Kelley Square works:

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 4.38.16 PM

Once you approach Kelley Square you will see that the left lane is for taking a left onto Green Street, and the right land is for jumping into the clusterfuck. More often than not you’re going to be going to the right. Notice when you get closer you will see this:

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 4.40.19 PM

Look at the size of that opening on the left. One could call that gaping. I’m not talking about the left hand land with the stop sign. I’m talking about all that extra room there. Here’s a Turtleboy move for you all going forward – always merge in there at the last second because after that it’s a free for all anyway.

I mean, just look at the Red CRV. It’s like they’re BEGGING me to jump in there:

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 4.46.20 PM

After you get by that and prepare to enter you will see hesitant simpletons that can’t figure out what to do:

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 4.47.16 PM

This is what I call a free lunch. The blue car on the right is forgetting the #1 rule of Kelley Square – GO!! That’s the only rule. Just go. Don’t be nice, don’t be polite, and don’t worry about the rules of the road. Kelley Square has no rules. It is organized anarchy and nothing less. And it works.

Now I happened to jump on the highway west, but if for whatever reason you’re deciding to get onto 290 EAST from there, don’t be a dingleberry and wait in line. Because there is a 100% chance the mental midget up front who is trying to turn left won’t sack up and turn into traffic. They will literally wait there until the light turns red and hope for better luck the next time around. Don’t be a follower. Create your own destiny. Go right to the front, find an opening, and turn onto the ramp as quickly as possible. And don’t worry about getting pulled over either. Five minutes later you’ll be Shrewsbury’s problem.

“But Turtleboy, what do I do if I’m coming from the other direction?”

Great question. The other way is almost always easier. Here’s what you do:

You’ll notice that you are greeted by a wall of ass. Car ass.

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 4.53.06 PM

Keep in mind that 90% of the people in front of you are nudniks that will slowly go through the intersection, applying their breaks when one of Green Island’s finest stumbles across the street on his way to the MENSA meeting at the Hotel Vernon. Don’t forget the rule of thumb though – they will only do what you let them get away with. You’re in a car. They’re not going to jump in front of you unless you let them. Too many morons don’t understand this which is why they have miserable experiences with Kelley Square.

Now I’d recommend staying to the right as much as possible, but sometimes geniuses on the right aren’t moving. So you may encounter a situation like we did such as this:

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 4.58.57 PM

Just remember that your car can fit around them AND they’re not aggressive drivers, so they’re gonna let you in. You don’t have to worry about aggressive drivers in Kelley Square – you have to worry about drivers who AREN’T aggressive. That’s why I passed this white van, which looks like it’s used in every movie you’ve ever seen involving a kidnapping, so easily. They just let me go, and they’ll let you go too. Don’t be the guy BEHIND the guy who is letting everyone go. Be the guy that he or she is letting go.

Next thing you know you’ll be opening up to a two land paradise:

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 5.02.58 PM

 

which will lead you to some of the more beautiful, breathtaking images of Worcester you will see:

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10418503_1508784716071473_5190538190349133211_n

Show me a city with more magnificently abandoned parking lots. You can’t. Thank God they’ve put up five layers of barbed wire around it too. Otherwise Green Island’s finest would be in there at night stealing our world famous weed grass out of the parking lot cracks.

Some people say that they want a light at Kelley Square. These people need to jump off a bridge or stop talking. Kelley Square is magnificent because it works. You are in and you are out. Anyone who can’t get through Kelley Square in under 10 seconds shouldn’t be on the road anyway. We should never cater to morons like that. A light would be a disaster. Do you realize how LONG that light would be? Do you realize that every a-hole in Worcester is going to press the walk button at those lights? Do you realize you can’t go through red lights and you’d be there all day? Be thankful that you have this wonderful shmorgisborg of traffic debauchery and ride it like you ride the turtle.

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20 Comment(s)
  • brian
    December 27, 2014 at 9:31 am

    That left lane to 290 East is not so easy when every car is bumper to bumper. You’ll most likely end up being the ass-hat blocking the right lane, creating a second line of traffic.

  • Finnish Goalie
    December 26, 2014 at 9:08 am

    There are rules to Kelly Square, like another other warzone.

    You cannot be perceived as weak, but you must also know when to give ground.

  • shannonmac
    December 23, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    Kelly Square is a goddamn national treasure! It should be on the historic registry in all its awesome glory and preserved in a time capsule the exact way it is now.

  • sue
    December 23, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    drove thru Kelley Square in the blizzard of ’78. your absolutely right. Just Go!. Thats’ exactly what I did, held my breath and went. It really is not that bad folks.

  • Kelly Square Resident
    December 23, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Kelly Square, the only 8 way intersection where everyone has the right of way. You gotta man up and Hunger Games your way in and back out. Not for the weak.

    • wabbitt
      December 23, 2014 at 10:49 am

      Seven way intersection.

      Clockwise from the north you have…

      Green St.
      Harding St.
      Water St.
      Vernon St.
      Millbury St.
      Harding St. again (and it doesn’t line up with the half on the other side of the miasma)
      Madison St.

      Damn… all this talk of Kelley Square is making me want bulkies. Looks like I need to make a side trip to Widoff’s when I’m in the city next.

      • Malaka
        December 23, 2014 at 12:07 pm

        It’s closed down

      • Finnish Goalie
        December 26, 2014 at 9:10 am

        Oh Lord, do I love Widoff’s.

        Miranda Bread on Shrewsbury Street is a must too.

  • gail johnson
    December 23, 2014 at 7:03 am

    I grew up in Worcester my kids in the country when we went to the city there favorite part of the trip was Kelly square they looked forward to it like a roller coaster go mommy go!

  • blah999
    December 23, 2014 at 12:39 am

    When in doubt, ride the dudes ass in front of you like a battering ram.

  • wabbitt
    December 22, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    Take it from a professional pedestrian – there’s two rules for walking through Kelly Square…

    1. Don’t go through – go around.
    2. Don’t try to cross Vernon Street, even if you have to go all the way around.

    Back when I still lived in the city, I walked downtown a few times. Went up Ward Street to Vernon, down Vernon to Kelly Square, AND AROUND THE LONG WAY to Green Street. And if I had been going to Water Street to pick up some bullies, you bet your asses I went all the way around.

    Crossing Vernon is for crackheads getting a greasy pizza for their nasty, $20 hooker.

    • wabbitt
      December 22, 2014 at 11:42 pm

      That was “pick up some bulkies.” Damn Kindle autocorrect…

  • Non Sequitor
    December 22, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Bravo, Sir.

    That is a Masshole Masterpiece.

  • CMore
    December 22, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    Drive it daily. Just need to get in, move and trust no one wants to hit you. It’s even more fun on a bicycle!

  • Leslie
    December 22, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    You are hysterical, and totally correct.

  • nate
    December 22, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Awful post.

  • Sam James
    December 22, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    Had a friend visit from Nevada. Made him drive. Brought him through Kelly Square. Best decision I’ve ever made. Kid shit himself. Welcome to
    Worcester.

  • Loyal rider
    December 22, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Perfection

  • Megan DaSilva
    December 22, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Thank you, just thank you. Carry on. #ridetheturtle

  • Cyndi
    December 22, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Completely managable if you know the first thing about driving

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