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Springfield Whoriquas Brawl In Magrag Shoe Aisle In Front Of Small Child As Onlookers Don’t Seem Phased, Ghettofabulous Commentary Ensues On Facebook

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Springfield Whoriquas Brawl In Magrag Shoe Aisle In Front Of Small Child As Onlookers Don’t Seem Phased, Ghettofabulous Commentary Ensues On Facebook

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Springfield is a magical place, full of culture and enchatnment. Especially down at the Madrag at Springfield Plaza, where a couple local cheesehogs expressed settled their differences with a good ol fashioned rowdy down:

I’m sure there was a really good reason for that fight to take place. My question is, who stole whose food stamps, or who played bury the broomstick with the other one’s flat brimmed hat wearing lover? Because that right there only happens when food stamps or dick is involved. Then again, it is mating season in Springfield, and these two whoriquas were going at it like two deer fighting for the right to reproduce:

The craziest part about that video is the fact that it was so quiet, and no one did anything. You could hear people in Spanish speaking in the background like they were debating what kind of socks to buy. Here you have these two gravy dumpsters fucking up all the sandals as they repeatedly exchange blows and and no one seems to think anything of it. Just another Sunday in Springfield.

Time for the play by play.

In most places if a fight broke out in the shoe section of a discount store, someone would at least try to restore order and break up the fight. Not in Springfield though. Everyone in Springfield just whips out their iPhones and starts filming. Vertically of course:

Savages. Not just the dumparoos brawling in the aisles. I’m talking about people who still haven’t learned to film horizontally. When will you people learn?

As you can see, both of these grande burritos really wanted the last $3 pair of thong sandals, and they were willing to fight to death over it:

You’ll notice the pink fupasloth has grabbed her adversaries hair, while strategically covering up her own hair, thus preventing reciprocal grab back. This technique is often learned in Alex Morse’s major voting bases.

Soon after the blonde chiqueefa banana managed to grab ahold of her opponent’s hair, thus making it a fair fight:

Shortly afterwards a small child came into the foreground:

Don’t worry, she’s growing up in Springfield so none of this is new to her. More than likely she’s just relieved that for once it’s not her own mother at the center of the brawl. Speaking of, most moms would probably grab their child and get the hell out of there. Not this girl’s spandex clad mama sito though. She quickly grabbed her child, and brought her right back to where she was standing for a better view, but not before giving the viewers a special treat:

What do you wear out in public when you’re 50 pound overweight in Springfield? Floral leggings and a half shirt of course. You don’t get a fupa like that naturally. It takes a special diet of Doritos, blue cheese, and Mountain Dew.

After a while the onlookers almost seemed bored with it:

Two ratchets going at it in the Magrag shoe section? Yawn.

Can’t say I blame her. I mean, there was plenty of good headshots, but they weren’t letting go until one of them had sunk the other one’s battleclit:

Finally someone stepped in and stopped the fight:

Just kidding, she was only grabbing the sweatshirt since it was getting in the way.

After that the two EBT-Rex’s just kind of stared at each other and realized that they were both gonna keep letting the guy they were fighting over dip his tacos in their Guacamole:

After that it was time to stare each other down while getting all purdy and moving on to the next ratchet fight at Wal-Mart.

The only thing better than the fight itself was the post fight commentaryBut most of that was in Spanish so it was hard to figure out what the hell was going on. Here’s what we know…..

The chick in the black shirt appears to be Elizabeth Collazo:

And more than likely the guy who she was fighting over is a fan of everyone’s favorite de facto ratchet NBA team:

Who else?

She’s a big fan of one piece body suits

And the duckface selfie:

You’ll never guess what her favorite liquor is…..

What were the odds that a learned chick like this would have a selfie holding a bottle of Henny? Never saw that one coming!

And she appears to have done a post-fight Facebook Live session, in which she explains the reasoning behind her K-Mart mating ritual:

Of course Turtleboy can’t understand any of that, because as an English speaking person in America, it’s uncommon that I would speak the same language as anyone in Springfield. But she kept showing off the six pack of Corona tucked beneath her Wal-Mart leggings

So it must have been important.

Her adversary appears to have been Nachi Zerep:

She seems nice:

And according to Nachi she hit her because Elizabeth came to her house with a group of people and brought a bat:

Although Thicky Minaj disputes this:

Also, it looks like this might’ve just been round one.

I can only imagine the levels of ratchetry the rematch will reach.

And she wasn’t going down without a fight!!

Nachi says she’s from Holyoke:

Which is obviously SHOCKING, because most people we profile from Holyoke are upstanding, dignified taxpaying citizens. Either way, if she doesn’t follow the rules that Celestino laid out in her emojis, it’s safe to say that she “finna cash dees hands.”

Naturally her friends pointed out how inappropriate it was to fight like this in a store, especially in front of small children. LOL. Just kidding:

The only thing that really matters is who won!! She proud of you girl!

After that the whole crew started chiming in with their brilliant thoughts. Some commented on how they missed the opportunity to loot:

Because apparently $3 is way too much to pay for sandals.

Then Tapioca pudding came in and started to steal the show herself. She was not happy that her “sis” Elizabeth got punched like that, and she was on the hunt for north end rats and/or chotas:

Not sure what that means, but it sounds important.

After that it was time to drag Nachi’s litter of children into it:

I know, I know. I cannot believe these lovely women had children out of wedlock. Never thought I’d see the day.

Tapioca don’t play though. And she’s tired of Fiona thinking she hood n word, and a bunch of other stuff I don’t understand:

She was none too pleased with Nachi’s fighting style, and referred to her as “wack” and even rhymed it with “crack”:

And Nachi wasn’t having none of that:

Oh good, round 2!! This means that Nachi won the fight, right? How does she get to go on to fight the next ratchet if you didn’t defeat the first? Everyone knows that in order to fight Tapioca pudding you have to take out Thicky Minaj first.

The comments even lead to new street beefs, especially when Terry Stebenne opined that the whole thing was over dick:

This led to a back and forth with a lovely young woman named “Flakaa” who pointed out that her and Terry had previously beefed over dick:

This is all really important stuff. Sure, these folks more than likely live in section 8 housing and have no plans for the future. But that sort of stuff isn’t important. Facebook arguments over who was beefing over what dick is what really matters!!

Anyway, as humorous as this whole thing was, these chicks should be arrested. People should be able to go shopping for $3 sandals without having to worry about playing referee in a cheesehog battle royale. The butthurts whine about Turtleboy shaming people like this, but guess what? They should be shamed. Their behavior is shameful and unfit for a civilized society. They should be mocked and ridiculed to the point where they’re so sad and so embarrassed that they correct their behavior. This is what we do at Turtleboy Sports. We shame people into submission for the betterment of society as a whole.



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26 Comment(s)
  • Dave
    May 17, 2017 at 10:17 am

    You all have it wrong. They were obviously fighting over a job application.

  • Rose
    May 17, 2017 at 10:04 am

    I can admit this article was somewhat funny but I could not help but cringe at all the low key racism. “Whoriquas”? Really? Apparently speaking Spanish and living in Springfield automatically makes you ratchet according to your standards…that’s where I could tell that you’re a close minded individual, as you’re labeling a whole group of people by the actions of a select few. You also seem to have a sense of entitlement,” Of course Turtleboy can’t understand any of that, because as an English speaking person in America, it’s uncommon that I would speak the same language as anyone in Springfield”, apparently there’s only Spanish speakers and no diversity in Springfield lol how ignorant. You obviously haven’t visited our trailer parks full of English speaking “americans” just as ratchet as these. Open your mind a little as stop using a two minute video to express your disgusting hateful racism. In case you weren’t aware there’s “ratcheness” in every race, including yours since your article expresses nothing but.

  • joker
    May 17, 2017 at 7:48 am

    im embarrased to call my self Puerto rican. Not all of us is out here fighting over petty things or anything at all for that matter. unlike people like that some of us have real life goals. some of us want to get careers and want to make a better life for our children and family.

    • Rose
      May 17, 2017 at 9:37 am

      Are you kidding me? How dare you say you’re embarrassed of your race just because of a select few. There’s ratchet people in EVERY race, this does not define us. Shame on you.

  • Smells like Fish Burritos from Chipotle
    May 16, 2017 at 10:44 am

    They both look like men. Legit the first one that claimed she was the one in the black T-shirt in the fight, I’m pretty positive in the picture from her FB (the awful typical “fat girl pose” where they angle the camera up over their head and look up like their giving a blowjob, resulting in making it seem like they are skinny and their boobs usual hide the other 45 rolls below) well yeah that doesn’t help the fact I’m pretty sure I seen a mustache. That monroe piercing doesn’t help the fact either on trying to take the focus off the fact she’s got a pretty beastly mustache going on. So I’m 99% sure she either has a dick or definitely has had a dick at some point in her life up until when she was able to save enough months of cash assistance to be able to pay for the sex change.

    The second Guptasloth looks like crackhead crossdresser. She’s the type who seems like she goes to bars/clubs and plays “where’s Waldo” but it’s her version of “where’s the most drunken man I can bring home” typically it ends up being some getto guy that’s between 21-25, that’s only 5 foot 3in and has a shoe size smaller than hers. He’s always got the gross looking baby mama at home too like the first nasty “was once a man” ?chick? At home. He’s piss drunk because he wants to drown out the fact that he’s got his phone blowing up from his BM manly looking bitch and the fact that she’s sitting at home on her welfare ass waiting for him to get back and wax down those hairy ass legs of hers and go down to tunaville.

    So along comes manly bitch #2 that’s scoped him out peeking at his phone (first sign he’s got a “girl” sitting at home) so she creeps her way closer to him and his crowd of friends that’s by the bar. She sits there and orders a drink, pretending to be minding her business, but is actually ease dropping on his convo that he’s having with his boys and it’s him bitching about his fat, manly looking BM about how she’s to clingy, blowing up his phone, he wants to leave her ass, but his friends brush it off because they know he just sticks with her because she gets paid by the state mad loot for the 6 kids she’s got so he ain’t got to work. He gets to sit in her apartment all day in his Chicago bulls Flat rimmed hat and sleeveless jersey while playing Xbox 1 and yelling at the crazy animal of kids to shut up every once and awhile.

    That’s when guptasloth somehow magically releases the powers of opening up her tuna-stench-flaps thus releasing a scent of rancidness which results in his boys slowly dropping the conversation and start to go off someplace else in the bar. That’s when she makes her move. Cast line, sinker, then catch and reel in. She will buy a few shots to get him more piss drunk so he will easily willing go home with her. They leave the bar and go do the magical thang at her house aka her mama’s basement that’s her messy ass ratchet Bedroom. Next AM he wakes up slightly sober, not enough to remember the sex, but sober enough to realize that this bitch is NAAAASTY and he needs to get the hell outta there asap. He runs home to his EBT pig and they catch a quick small domestic case due to fighting infront of the kids. She bails him out later in the day and forgives him for the night before and his actions of going to the bar, getting pissed drunk and “accidentally” going home to sleep with someone else. You’d think that’s when it’s all said and done so he gets back home, jumps onto the Xbox 1 and acts like nothing even went down and assumes his EBT queen wont mention it again.
    Yeah, right. She eventually does her ratchet investigation involving FB, insta, Snapchat and a couple of her fat ratchet friends asking around, only to finally discover the homewrecking whore who slept with her man. She sends a message to her on FB threatening her if she goes near her mans ever again then she will take care of her and have her girls cash her outside in the streets of Somerville. Few weeks down the road she has gotten her EBT cash benafits loaded to her card so that calls to head over to madrag(the store where I as a petite girl can’t shop in because all the fat girls who should be wearing sizes large, extra large buy out all the size x-smalls, smalls and mediums) and she so happens to run into the homewrecking whore who seduced her man “that every girl in somerville wants” so she’s got to put her name down and get it to gossip around town that she’s his girl and ain’t no other bitch going to fucks with him. So she fights her in the isle with the $3 thong sandals and the clearance Bra’s that do no justice (clearly) after pulling her hair for five minutes she stands straight up and gives her the “that’s my man territory stare down” then leaves. Now we are here today, she thinks/feels she’s getting recognizin she wants to stamp the “don’t mess with my chipotle burrito or I’ll fuck you up in madrag” the next chapter is that the whore in the pink/the crackhead looking chick that’s somehow fat(how you got a skinny, meth looking face, but got more rolls than Mikes pastries?) yeah well her, the homewrecker. She’s going to get annoyed after a week or so constantly hearing the story change on how everything went down so that’s when it will finally be admitted/and come out that he actually slept with a man. It will come out that homewrecker crackhead fat chick actually in fact has a penis and Somervilles most wanted man got so drunk he went home and fucked a man and didn’t somehow realize in the process that there was a penis flapping around during it the whole time.(maybe she tucks it between her fat rolls so it didn’t swing back and forth while he gave it anally) ahhh this is definitely going to be a Jerry Springer episode in the near future, we shall all see. This definitely will go south very soon. There will be a part 2 up and coming I guarantee. There’s no chance that one of these things isn’t or at one point wasn’t a man.

  • Chip Striker
    May 16, 2017 at 10:11 am

    Fupasloths should not be allowed to wear yoga pants.

    These animals should not be allowed to reproduce.

    Minorities should not be allowed to ruin yet another community.

    • Madcow not Rachel
      May 16, 2017 at 6:03 pm

      Looked like two kids fighting under the sheets in those yoga pants……. Was that a plus size WalMart???

  • Judi
    May 16, 2017 at 8:32 am

    Neither could fight their way out of a paper bag.

  • maxs
    May 16, 2017 at 8:27 am

    and the sad part of all this is they will live the rest of there lives like this – gutter scum

  • Independent Thinker
    May 16, 2017 at 6:46 am

    Why do so many unattractive people take selfies with their lips all puckered? It is not sexy.

  • Eddwina bravo
    May 15, 2017 at 10:03 pm

    Good God it looks like Jenny Slate if she was a man

  • Mr Butthurt
    May 15, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    Amazing. I kept hitting press one for English and all I heard was Spanish. WTF

  • Mark
    May 15, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    “She seems nice” then the pic. Priceless.

  • Cheap Whores R Us
    May 15, 2017 at 9:13 pm

    I’m sure that Glock is legal. Links to this thread and archived pictures are immediately on their way to the Springfield Police, State Police and the Boston office of the ATF.

  • IwantIneedIhavetohave
    May 15, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    Excluding the child in the video, does anyone in that place weigh under 250 lbs??
    It must be close to a spic laden Mcdonalds.

  • Anon Y. Mouse
    May 15, 2017 at 8:47 pm

    Springfield Plaza, where is that, because there are a tonne of Springfields in the US; heck there is even a Springfield Plaza in Edmonton, AB!

    • ElJefe72
      May 16, 2017 at 11:50 am


  • Wtf
    May 15, 2017 at 8:34 pm

    My iPhone must have a new app, it enables me to smell the sadness right thru the phone. Lmao

  • Sterlingsilva
    May 15, 2017 at 8:15 pm

    Elizabeth has a huge dick for sure.

  • Turd Burglestein
    May 15, 2017 at 7:58 pm

    The most shocking thing of all is that both of them had tittoos, but neither had the tramp stamp welcome mat tatted above their back door, because I guarantee both are into anal.

  • May 15, 2017 at 7:32 pm

    what shining role models! by all means open the floodgates we need more immigrants too!

    May 15, 2017 at 7:30 pm

    Dear Uncle Donald,
    Please act fast and deport all these illegal wastes of government assistance. It’s like a contest they have between eachother of who can be the biggest scumbag. All the do is fuck because it’s FREE . You must not be able to by fucking Trojans with food stamps. Please Uncle Donald help we are in serious trouble

    • Robb
      May 15, 2017 at 8:20 pm

      Puerto Rico is part of the United States dumbass

      • Good 1 Robb with 2 B's
        May 15, 2017 at 8:46 pm

        Hey Robb I will buy your Foodstamps. 60% on dollar sound good.

      May 15, 2017 at 8:48 pm

      1 was a Freakin Rican the other could have been Dumbass Dominicans. But good Catholic Rob

  • Edward Lyle
    May 15, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    Whoriquas? Come on Turtleboy. You really need to get that glossary of Turtle terms up so us old folk can follow along. lol

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