All-Star Criminals

Afternoon Playground Hobo Hump Session Lands 2 In Jail- Dude Tells The Cops He Can Bump Uglies In Public Because, ‘MURICA!

Afternoon Playground Hobo Hump Session Lands 2 In Jail- Dude Tells The Cops He Can Bump Uglies In Public Because, ‘MURICA!

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Apparently hump day came a day early this week when two bozos were caught grinding their gears in a public park on Tuesday. In broad daylight. With Children present.

In the Merrimack Valley if you aren’t fortunate enough to own your own luxury cardboard condo and still want to get your freak on, GAR park is just the spot! 125/110 traffic? Romantic ambiance! Pesky kids playing on the jungle gym? Fuck ’em! Low on cash and wanna catch a mean buzz? Shuffle on over to Market Basket across the street and slam some ‘Tussin! The world is your playground when you’re Pat and June and ‘aint nobody gonna stop them from taking the D train to poundtown!

Pat’s an ex-con from New Hampshire (shocker) who enjoys bangin’ rabid cougars, giving shitty kitchen tattoos and is most definitely going to turn his life around.

See those Irish Pride/Iron cross tats? That’s the tribal stamp of white trash class in the 978. I’d be willing to place bets that he has “death before dishonor” or “family forever” inked across his back.

Oh, and true to form he has a kid he loves but clearly doesn’t provide for.


He managed to relocate to Florida a few years back and spent some vacation time at one of the sunshine state’s finest establishments. 

Oh, he kept pushin’.. Right up into June’s dusty whisker biscuit.

Just imagine stumbling upon June’s naked granny fanny jiggling like a bowl of warm tapioca pudding. Mmmmmm..

She’s from Maine/NH/Florida/Haverhill. Enough said.

After shielding their children’s eyes from their afternoon delight, people called the police. They probably could’ve hurled a rock at the Haverhill PD window to get their attention because it’s right next door to GAR park. Also in the same neighborhood: The YMCA, Haverhill Public Library and Emmaus House (the shelter listed as Pat’s address). It’s like the Bermuda Triangle of crust and poor choices.

Well after only a couple requests, good ‘ol June was kind enough to hop off Pats disco stick. Pat, on the other hand, wasn’t as gracious and got the britches around his ankles in a bunch when he was so rudely interrupted.

The fact that June was riding the dongdonkey and didn’t suffocate him with her fupaflap is pretty impressive, I must say.

Back at the police station Pat didn’t want to get in his holding cell and was incredulous to the fact that their public pork-a-thon is, in fact, illegal. Why? BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA!

“I’m not under arrest” Yeah, because that usually works wonders on law enforcement. Like the cops are going to be all “Oh okay buddy, my mistake. You’re free to go. Don’t forget to put your clothes back on.”

All I could envision was this:

Word to the wise: If you’re that hard up (ha) and want to get down and dirty with nana saddlebags, don’t choose a public park, mmkay?




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8 Comment(s)
  • Flat Brinmed Turtle Rider
    September 4, 2017 at 3:04 pm

    This should be the newest link on Brazzers website- Public Park Pounding
    (*Double cougars can’t be stopped in the open air!!) Dirty Hair don’t care…..
    As he was pepper sprayed Fitzy should have just yelled “FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  • whatevuh
    September 3, 2017 at 6:43 am

    Frankly, I wouldn’t do her with Kevin Lynch’s dick. Hope she doesn’t get pregnant, that would be a shame

  • They call me Ponch
    September 3, 2017 at 6:04 am

    Love has no boundaries.

    Fucking none obviously.

  • Roy
    September 2, 2017 at 8:56 pm

    Gotta love turtles use of the english lanquage. I almost shitmyself laughing at hoe he describes her. I love you turtleboy. I laugh everyday reading your stuff. As for mama june what a fucking piece of work she is . green teeth and all

  • Roy
    September 2, 2017 at 8:24 pm

    Is that his mother

  • Hardy harhar
    September 2, 2017 at 6:56 pm

    I live in haverhill, I didn’t know it was called gar park, we always just called it poor people park. No one in their right mind would bring their kids there to play. That whole area is a red zone.

  • The Vorlon
    The Vorlon
    September 2, 2017 at 3:35 pm

    He is the poster child for poor choices.

  • Wwy
    September 2, 2017 at 3:17 pm

    Now that’s my kinda man! White, non-Jew, and willing to lube up for this dusty, dry heap. Seriously, it looks like some raw roast beef jerky.

    Fitzy, call me! I’ll give you some quarters for the penitentiary commissary fund. I don’t mind showing my pale, flabby ass cheeks on a jungle gym!

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