Reader Emails

Belly-Dancing Transvestite-Looking Snowflake Gives Us Threatening Countdown To Remove Blog About Falling 7 11 Sign Because Gravity Offends Her

This might be the dumbest reader email I’ve ever gotten.

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The lengths people will go to find something that offends them is just baffling. There I was, working, minding my own business, when this came in.

I actually was so confused that I botched a word. That’s some legit bafflement. I didn’t write the blog about the 7/11 sign crashing down on the car so I went to go read it to see what one of the boys had done to piss someone off. I figured it had to be something….

If Could Be Worse: You Could Be Crushed To Death By This 7/11 Sign While Scratching Lotto Tickets In Your Parked Car In Worcester

Nothing, there were a couple quips about scratch tickets being stupid, no name mentioned, just a small blog with a couple of harmless jokes. How in the flying fuck could someone be offended by this?

Saba Alhilali had already gone on her own page and started to recruit her friends to “go viral” and shut us down. It was taking off like straight fire!

Pauomy, the one dude that responded, was clearly confused and asked “why?” Yeah, this is going to be the one that finally gets us shut down. We’ve never had anyone pissed at us before for legit reasons.

Cool, thanks for the count down, girl named after hummus. As if you and your attempt at English are the first I’ve ever seen since taking this job.

Now I was actually laughing. She was mad because the sign fell at her friend’s workplace. That’s it. We didn’t name her pal. There was nothing to be offended by and she found it in herself to send us a nastygram.

I had to see this chick’s profile. OF COURSE SHES A PCA/DAYCARE WORKER! Those are like the choice careers for people who went to one class of community college! Let’s be honest here, no matter how much you try to dress it up, this girl is a professional ass wiper.

Every other job in America was a available and the only thing she was good at was cleaning shitty buttholes and shaking her Fupa. You can’t make this stuff up. Her parents must be gushing with pride. Well, when the whole family is fighting to try and look feminine, anything has to be positive.

Of course I’m questioning her original gender. You are too! Mostly because she looks like a tranny hooker. An ugly one. I had no patience for this sign-whiner with a hidden pecker so I started sassing her:

I guess asking about her penis was triggering as she blocked us after that. Shame.

Yes, in fact, I do feel better. Thanks for asking.

I wonder how offended she when she finds out she has her own blog?




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45 Comment(s)
  • Nancy
    March 27, 2017 at 9:09 am

    Clearly she is a jerk for getting offended. But please remember Turtleboy that someday someone will be wiping your ass and the world needs people willing to perform these jobs – just sayin!

  • whatevuh
    March 25, 2017 at 12:06 am

    I’m just a girl in love with my smile? LOL She’s just a girl in love with herself and her tits, sorry guys, no time for you . . . . unless you spend lots of money

  • Whiskers McGhee
    March 24, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    This has to be the most entertaining blog I’ve ever read!

  • True Reality Speaks
    Mirror Mirror
    March 24, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    The picture where he/she is wearing a blue dress and you can see it holding the phone. Her face in that selfie will haunt me ’til my dying days. Reminds me of Herman Munster with boobs.

  • Gtizzle
    March 24, 2017 at 5:55 pm

    I think we found Jake from State Farm.

  • Keep the paste on
    March 24, 2017 at 3:12 pm

    Lots of window-dressing on her and the twin. Would take at least one hour or more to paint her entire head.

  • Robert Dulmaine
    March 24, 2017 at 2:23 pm

    I don’t understand why she is so offended by this article. She needs to come down to Athol and party with my girlfriend Marie Guilmette. They both look hideous in the face. My Marie isn’t a transvestite though, she’s just a very manly looking woman. Has a very squared jaw and unwashed ginger hair. She hasn’t shaved her legs all winter. She does that to hide the heroin marks.

    • Turd Burglestein
      March 24, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      Square jaw? Ginger, dry, unwashed hair? Unshaved legs? Damn, that’s a sasquatch! Bigfoot to you! One of those fucked me in the Oregon woods, summer of ’88. Very musky smell. Like an arab man after not showering for a month. I remember both those scents. Anyway, it was so traumatic that I haven’t been able to shit right for nearly 30 years. Hence, all the pickled prunes I keep in the house. For whomever is concerned-no punchline, boring, zzzzz- I know. But it’s life, my next journal entry. No heroin though.

      • Robert Dulmaine from Athol
        March 24, 2017 at 3:30 pm

        Danny is a retard.

        • Marie Guilmette from Athol Does Heroin
          March 24, 2017 at 3:37 pm

          You’re so fucking easy to bait Marie…lol. You dumb fucking heroin junkie!!

  • Cracker Jack
    March 24, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    I’d be fearful of those suicide bombs strapped to his chest if I was you, TB!

  • TL
    March 24, 2017 at 1:27 pm

    Oh man, my day is not complete until I read TB on my lunch break. I love you guys! This he-she sounds like a legit psycho.

  • White T
    March 24, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    This turdle writer is total white trash. This is why your viewership is down 80%. These articles you post suck. You better pray for something to happen early on with the municipal elections.

  • BlackandWhite
    March 24, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    What the actual *F* ???? There were no names mentioned in TB’s first article. What is her (ummm, I think her) problem?? Plus — the car belongs to a friend. *SMH*

  • Stu Pidazzo
    March 24, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    The only difference between the Kardashian girls and this woman is plastic surgery and a team of top notch make-up professionals.

    • Robert Dulmaine
      March 24, 2017 at 2:21 pm

      And heroin… lots of heroin. My girlfriend likes lots of heroin in her arms. She ran out of places so she started to use the veins on her feet. Really weird to see it happen right before my eyes.

      I like cocaine.. I’m too fat to be a heroin addict.

      • Z-Cat
        March 24, 2017 at 3:08 pm

        You can’t be fat and have a cocaine habit. I think I’ve only ever met one person who was interested in food when coked up. Yeesh! Try harder!

        • Robert Dulmaine from Athol
          March 24, 2017 at 3:26 pm

          Don’t be mad Marie… you know damn well I haven’t used coke as much as I normally would. You’re using all of our drug money on heroin… so all I have left is EBT for food.

        • BoomerCards
          March 24, 2017 at 11:35 pm

          I could snort 2 rails and eat 2 cheeseburgers I thought I was talented but turned out to be a curse. I was the fattest person in detox

  • JoeMomma
    March 24, 2017 at 1:10 pm

    Somebody with a dick that can’t figure out they are a dude calling somebody stupid?

  • Wabbitt
    March 24, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    Must be fucking that shit between his shoulder blades. Balls be parting like the Red Sea.

  • March 24, 2017 at 12:26 pm

    Another case of…..
    Don’t poke the turtle, esp if your a tranny hooker!!!

  • Strata
    March 24, 2017 at 12:14 pm

    Saba, you just made such a FOOL of yourself. Think much?

  • Mom's Basement
    March 24, 2017 at 11:55 am

    I think (s)he’s pretty hot. No Adam’s apple and we can’t see if (s)he has knobby knees or big calf muscles. Obviously crazy so I say female.

    • ZephyrCat
      March 24, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      Not with a jaw that big. He/she/it looks like Barry Bonds on steroids when his head actually got bigger. That’s a dude!

      • Mom's Basement
        March 25, 2017 at 10:38 am

        That plus her dick is hanging out the bottom of her red dress in the third pic so you might be right

  • Booooring
    March 24, 2017 at 11:43 am

    Lately Turtle boy has been transforming into the TMZ of blogs. Do you really need to make a post because some tranny messaged you? Who gives a fuck. This is like some high school drama type of shit that just kills any credibility you’ve had.

    • ZephyrCat
      March 24, 2017 at 11:51 am

      Ah Shaddup! So what. Everyone is so damn serious. Where else can you go for your news and entertainment in the same story. It’s nice to have fun and blow off steam without having to worry some uptight douchebag site is going to censor your message because it MAY have offended one person out of 100. I don’t even know how I stumbled on this site but it was a link. So someone saw fit to run a Turtleboy story. Keep doing what you TBS!!!

    • March 24, 2017 at 11:52 am

      The vagina is strong with this one.

    • TBFan
      March 24, 2017 at 1:11 pm

      I agree, this article in particular was a bit of a reach. Tranny? Reaching. She has a job. Good for her compared to these other hoodrat, bad moms who are called “junior smokeshows”- those trashbuckets look more homely and tranny than this girl. And she is in shape-fupa where ? I don’t see a 6 pack but I also don’t see some sloppy muffin top. Looks pretty good for wearing a tight dress. Reaching.
      She misread the original article; she just wanted to make it clear her innocent friend wasn’t some scratch ticket junkie who deserved the damage. Total reach on this one.

      • Robert Dulmaine
        March 24, 2017 at 2:18 pm

        Pause. Her lower stomach is showing me that in all of her pictures, she’s sucking her stomach in hardcore. Does she appear to be thin? Yes, she does…. but a thin girl with a sloppy stomach is just as bad as a fat one.

        With that being said. I’m dating a junkie with brown teeth and dry hair that resembles a broom. What better do I know ? Marie Guilmette, I love you baby! Even if you’re teeth are 17 different colors and you walk around with active infections in your mouth.

        • Robert Dulmaine
          March 24, 2017 at 2:20 pm

          Ooops I was in such a rush to give my opinion I didn’t use the right email. It’s also because I’m trying my best to hide all the heroin Marie does before DCF gets here.

  • Turd Burglestein
    March 24, 2017 at 11:37 am

    Now that’s the kind of woman I’m looking for, one with a wang! Seriously, love that halal dick because it smells like hummus and lemon. I want to put her kabab in my mouth until she shoots her baba ghanoush!! In the meantime I spent last night licking my own balls. No, no…I don’t bend that way. At my age my nutsack it all stretchy so all I have to do is pull it up to my pie-hole and it’s nuts du jour! Hmmm, her facial hair looks thicker than mine. Another plus!

    • Marie Guilmette Sucks Dick for Heroin
      March 24, 2017 at 2:15 pm

      zzzzzz long boring joke with no punch line zzzzzz

      • Robert Dulmaine
        March 24, 2017 at 2:36 pm

        Marie stop sucking dicks, come home and be a mother to your child!! Fucking low life junkie. I’m so tired of taking over the responsibility.

        HAHAHAHA JUST JOKING! I’m just as much of a loser as you are. Who am I trying to fool?

        • Marie Guilmette's Weasened Whiskerbiscuit
          March 24, 2017 at 5:35 pm

          I have to suck dicks. Not only because my mooseknuckle has been busted, but I need the protein fix. I’d suck yours Robert, but you haven’t been able to get it up for years.

      • Turd Burglestein
        March 24, 2017 at 3:02 pm

        It’s not supposed to have a punchline ya dumb shit! It’s haiku! And I didn’t do it for you. It’s part of my daily dear diary! So, nyeeah!

  • Talisman
    March 24, 2017 at 11:33 am

    Another screech heard from the eternally-continually-always-forever-never-ending offended yeast spores. And this one is obviously sporting a covert shroom. Good radar there SSTG.

  • Maggie the Cat
    March 24, 2017 at 11:30 am

    He/she/it seems deranged.

    • Madcow not Rachel
      March 24, 2017 at 11:04 pm

      Wonder if Eric Collette could handle her schlong???

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