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Mrs. Turtleboy loves to drag Turtleboy to the worst places on earth. Apple picking, Disney World, the Big E, etc. But part of being a good husband means you have to suck it up and go to places you’d rather not spend your weekend at. So in this week’s chapter of Turtleboy Being A Good Husband, we got in the car and made the trip to Brimfield for the only thing that Brimfield is known for – it’s thrice a year antique show, which is basically and overpriced rummage sale of used crap that gypsies don’t want. Join us in our journey…..
First of all, Brimfield isn’t exactly easy to get to….from anywhere. You have to jump on the pike and drive through the center of one of the WORST towns for traffic in Massachusetts – Sturbridge:
FML. Normally once you get through Sturbridge it’s smooth sailing, but not on the weekend of the Brimfield rummage sale. It’s a clusterfuck as my iMachine confirmed. Luckily Turtleboy is crafty like that and we bypassed all the nudniks waiting in line to buy overpriced crap from gypsies:
Then you get to Brimfield and of course the locals do what Agawam’s finest do when the Big E is in town – make you pay to park on their lawns:
As you approach town you are greeted by a never ending sea of people looking to oggle over a bunch of used garbage that no one else wants:
I should’ve known it was gonna be a long day when I saw this:
There is nothing worse than people who charge for refills. Nothing. There is a special place in hell for them. Our thoughts on these cheapskates are well documented.
So let’s check out some of the stuff that was on sale this weekend….
There was a plethora of Buddhist heads, because you can never have enough of those in your house
And who wouldn’t wanna hang this poster in their living room?
I know it was hard to pass up this empty bucket of Brimfield grime
And we were VERY tempted to put one half of a lifesize recreation of the ambiguously gay duo in Turtleboy’s man cave
Long before Sports Illustrated was putting 65 year old naked men on the cover of the Swimsuit Issue, they used to have women like Kathy Ireland:
Kids these days will be shocked when they see pictures of models like Kathy Ireland because it looks like she’s actually eaten something in the last 3o days.
We are currently looking to redecorate our deck. Looks like we came to the right place!!!
Shut up and take my money!!!
Be warned, the Brimfield rummage sale is NOT a safe space for the butthurt patrol:
But there are plenty of random statues of short black men staring at your ass
They also have a special on free hugs
A wooden image of a dog taking a shit
A Barry Goldwater for President sign
Whatever this stuff is
Tons of wheels
Stolen street signs
“No dumping” signs
Oscar the Grouch trash cans
Old McDonalds playground implements
Lovely formalware for women
Piles of random shit made out of metal
A rusty chain
One of those anvils that was always falling on Wile E. Coyote
A bunch of hanging crap
Empty egg cartons
Whatever these things are
A human bird cage swing
State of the art bikes
And who hasn’t found themselves in the position of saying, “I could really use a unicycle right about now?”
The world’s largest collection of of empty bottles for resale
Keys that open nothing
The creepiest looking dolls you will ever see
A lifesize blind woman with a sombrero, umbrella, and “rustored salvage” sign
A Carmelo Anthony jersey,
which somehow is considered an antique even though he still plays for the Knicks.
A metal ball covered in rope
Mrs. Turtleboy said it would be “cliche” if we bought this turtle flowerpot
Lots of things that any normal person would have TONS of space for, such as wooden horses, Indians, bakers, marines, and the blonde version of the Fonz
Cows and mutant kimodo dragons
A carousel horsey
An entire farm of metal livestock
Or some sort of mutant mermaid horse whose hand was eaten by a shark
I know we have PLENTY of room in our house to accomodate those priceless treasures!!
You can also find those addicted to crap cloths you’ve been looking for
And I know Mrs. Turtleboy has been looking for a “Dirty hose is a happy hoe” sign for a while now, and she hasn’t been able to find one since there aren’t any more Spencer Gifts around anymore. Luckily for her the Brimfield rummage sale came through in the clutch
Prices are reasonable. After all, who wouldn’t pay $25 for an empty glass of nothing?
$3400 for a metal dragon
A $50 empty wooden crate
$20 for a filthy used bowl
$2 for a dirty spoon
A $55 decorative door that will never be able to be used as an actual door
$25 discarded chairs from the local VFW
A $10 box of metal box of enchantment and mystery
A $5 wooden horse head for the lawn
$10 for some loser kids’ box of trophies that he got for coming in last place
A $100 ripped and destroyed chair
Be warned – this chair does not come with the unframed picture of a saber toothed tiger eating a mutant warthog.
A $200 metal lawnchair
A $350 ripped apart love seat
And for $50 a piece you can buy some used desks from the 80’s, complete with the carvings of the 1980’s biggest asshole teenagers
This of course was back in the day when we simply ignored morons who put swastikas on things instead of hiring chief diversity officers and mandating sensitivity training for students
Disco sucks. It was true in 1980 and it’s still true now.
We also found Bret Killoran’s desk
And some other fun messages from the 80’s finest
There are also PLENTY of disrobed mannequins
These mannequins will forever haunt Turtleboy’s dreams
If you’re wicked racist and you can’t seem to find any cool racist stuff these days because of the liberal media, then the Brimfield flea market is the place for you because there is no shortage of racist crap you can decorate your trailer with:
This of course is the preferred method of transport of the Brimfield gypsy vendor
But be warned, the gypsies are not easy to bargain with. They don’t care if it’s the last day in town. They’d rather not sell their discarded crap than meet you halfway. For instance, we wanted to buy this Ross Perot for President 1996 sign in between these two lovely trash pickers
The gypsy in charge wanted $10. I offered $5. She countered with $9, final offer. I told her I’d need to get the cash from Mrs. Turtleboy, who was 20 yards away. She said if I left it would go back up to $10. Needless to say there is no Ross Perot sign in our house right now. Although quite frankly America could use a Ross Perot right about now.
In “Ken’s Corner” you can learn how to become a surgeon:
But be warned – Ken drives a hard bargain. This scooter might seem like a useless piece of garbage, but according to Ken he used it to drive himself into town for pizza just yesterday:
$20. Take it or leave it.
They weren’t the only ones who weren’t easily bargained with as these people found out the hard way
Some of the gypsies like to sit around all day doing nothing
But others are more active, including the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2
The gypsy rippin butts next to the red rape van
Big Papa Gypsy
And the gypsy hippies
The best part about the Brimfield trash sale is the people watching. The outfits are phenomenal
You can tell who the Brimfield crap sale veterans are because they’re hauling their bounty around in a cart they brought from home
The novices are also quite noticeable
And lastly, you know the Golden Rule of the Brimfield Antique Show
There’s a LOT of gypsy love making going on in that trailer, you can count on that!!!
Anyway, it was a long day. We probably only saw a small fraction of the used crap, so we probably missed a lot of amazing treasures. Feel free to post pictures on the Facebook page or tweet them at us if we you’ve found something even more amazing at this gypsy festival.
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