All-Star Criminals

Cops Finally Arrested Cockwhistle Jordan Lamonde, Who Punched A Woman 39 Times Outside Of A Planet Fitness, And He Whines On FB About Treating Women Right

Cops Finally Arrested Cockwhistle Jordan Lamonde, Who Punched A Woman 39 Times Outside Of A Planet Fitness, And He Whines On FB About Treating Women Right

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Last month we blogged about the innocent woman who was punched in the face 39 times outside of a Planet Fitness in Rochester, NH.

Well, good news – they caught the asshole who did it:

What a fucking pussy. Cool hardo face bro. Is there anything more emasculating that you can possibly be arrested for than cold clocking a woman outside of a Planet Fitness? You have negative penis if you do that. And of course his name is Jordan. No offense to dudes named Jordan, but if you’re a guy named Jordan you’re probably a new kid on the block, or a huge chud. That’s just science.

Glad this animal was locked up, but we can’t seem to find a Facebook page for him. Luckily we did find his old man’s Facebook page, which features many photographs of he and his worthless spawn together:

I don’t think I’ve ever hated someone this much before.

Oh, and you will, never, ever, EVER guess who his favorite professional sportball team is:

I swear to God it’s a requirement to buy a Chicago Bulls flat brimmed hat if you’re a swamp donkey piece of shit and you’re interested in trying out to be on Turtleboy.

Actually, scratch that – we found his Facebook page:

What a choad.

Him and his old man have a BFF rapport:

“Nice pic player.”

Well guess what dad? He’s about to be the pick of the litter in the can. He’s gonna be playing the field a lot, it’s just not gonna be consensual. That face right there is worth two packs of Newports and an extra tube of toothpaste.

He posted in this in 2014:

And by hitting the gym he means, “hitting women outside of the gym when they’re not looking because my penis is so tiny.”

He also likes to bitch and whine about how women don’t choose men who will “treat em right”:

And by treat em right he means, “hitting women outside of the gym when they’re not looking because my penis is so tiny.”

Not surprisingly he uses words like “cop” when referring to his latest pair of Jordan’s:

He likes to censor himself while using the n word, as if that makes it OK:

He wishes a mother fucker would…..

And by that he means, “I wish an innocent woman, minding her own business would try to walk to her car in a Planet Fitness so I could punch her in the head when she’s not looking because my penis is so tiny.”

Oh, and he’s going grey, even when he was 19 years old:

Couldn’t happen to a worse person.

What I wanna know is, why? Why would he do this? Did he rob her? Because that hasn’t been reported? Was she latest in a long list of women who were so disinterested in his tiny penis that he finally snapped and took it out on her? Because if he was rejected by her I would’ve thought she could identify him by now. Or is he just an asshole who doesn’t need a reason to be an animal, and hits defenseless women for fun?



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16 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    July 25, 2017 at 7:39 pm

    Another addition to the NFBBHR (National Flat Brim Bulls Hat Registry).

  • Mae
    July 25, 2017 at 4:24 pm

    Anyone catch the fact he publically posted his phone number on his Facebook Feb 2014?

  • Anon
    July 25, 2017 at 11:29 am


    • Anon
      July 25, 2017 at 11:32 am

      This is the truth I know him and knew the entire situation. Didn’t know he’d do something stupid like this tho. Def went about it the wrong way

    • Pc
      July 25, 2017 at 5:19 pm

      Why did the idiot have that kind of money where someone could get it? If that is even true.

  • penci penis
    July 25, 2017 at 10:35 am

    Finally hitting the gym…

    Finally hitting AT the gym.

    Fixed the typo.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Kevi bashed in my skull
    July 25, 2017 at 9:05 am

    He hit her like 40 times and she’s fine. Truly lacks the aforementioned penis.

    • July 28, 2017 at 9:55 am

      You got that right, she is fortunate that it was this wimpy putz and not some other psycho that actually could have killed her or caused brain damage. I hope what happens to him is they combine beatings with his Bubba punishment he is sure to “receive “‘ prison boys don’t take to kindly to cowards that bully defenseless victims. Time to pay the pipers!!!! At least he won’t make any noise when he farts

  • SomeGuy
    July 24, 2017 at 11:11 pm

    Wow, this kid is the biggest ball kissing fairy ever. I hope they rip his asshole apart in jail.

  • Veggie Lover
    July 24, 2017 at 9:56 pm

    Maybe he’s just another spoiled, entitled, whiny little white boy bitch who thinks he deserves anything he wants and has a little hissy fit when he can’t get it. Negative dick is quite right. Worthless, loser, piece of shit asshole. I hope he gets raped repeatedly up the wazoo in jail by a big ol’ boy named Bubba.

  • wimmywhamwhamwazzle
    July 24, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    This article was written by a teenager?

  • They call me Ponch
    July 24, 2017 at 7:39 pm

    Bizarre story.

    Maybe he has rabies

  • Jordan
    July 24, 2017 at 4:23 pm

    I told you beotches that you reject my tongue wagging and you get a beat down. Now I’ll have to hope for a female judge to try this trick on cuz I’m a playa…get it straight.

  • FatFingr Lou
    July 24, 2017 at 4:16 pm

    One more option… maybe new kid on the block, huge chud, or 2016 British Open Champion.

    • Greg
      July 24, 2017 at 5:15 pm

      Henrik Stenson??

      • FatFingr Lou
        July 24, 2017 at 6:13 pm




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