All-Star Criminals

Daddy Dumpsterfire Forces Little Girl To Crawl Into Prize Machine At Rockingham Park Mall, Steal Prizes, Make Other Kid Think He’s A Winner

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And the award for worst parent ever goes to……

This chumba wumba, who not only endangered one small child by making her go into a prize machine to steal from it, but also gave the other small child the false impression that he had won something when in fact they just cheated and broke the law to attain the prize.

The kid actually yelled, “yes, I won.” And now he will grow up thinking this is how you “win.” You steal from other people. Because Dad’s welfare check doesn’t come in until October 1, so he couldn’t afford to just buy his kids a prize.

Then Daddy Dumpsterfire tells the girl, “turn around, stick your butt right here.” Because she’s a child stuck in a prize machine. And he made her go inside of there, because it was easier than teaching them that sometimes you don’t win and/or get everything you want. Next thing you know she’s showing her face like Punxsutawney Phil, plopping out of there that like the good tax credit her freeloading parents always envisioned she would be, and making a break for it like an undocumented child running from the border to straight to Elizabeth Warren’s open arms. 

I guarantee this is not the only way these kids are learning that gaming the system is a good way to go through life either. I will bet you anything this “Dad” is also on some form of SSI and has trained the kids to tell people that Daddy is still walking with a limp, which is why he hasn’t had a job for the last 8.5 years, but is still playing slow pitch softball every Tuesday night.

And as much as I appreciate the cameraman’s work in getting this all on film, how do you not say something to this ball-o-bisquick? I’m not asking for the cameraman to go vigilante and try to stop him from doing this, but how bout you just walking up to him and asking if he thinks this is responsible parenting? Just follow him for 10 seconds, see what he says, ask his name, watch as he squirms, and then you’ve got a viral video that will lead to his identification in five point four seconds.

Someone has to know who he is, because this one really pisses me off for a number of reasons. If he looks familiar, let us know right after you let the Salem, NH Police know.

16 Comment(s)
  • Osiris
    September 21, 2018 at 5:55 am

    This story is up on’s main page this morning, linked through WCVB…..with not a mention of Turtleboy in sight.

  • Rockets Redglare
    September 20, 2018 at 4:33 am

    But he has nice moobs…

  • A. Nell Beeds
    September 18, 2018 at 9:42 pm

    I mean, let’s be honest. Those machines have been stealing from us for decades. I personally don’t give a fuck that someone got a little payback for a 25 cent shitty stuffed animal.

    • msheadkracker
      Jose can get facked
      September 22, 2018 at 1:53 am

      A $299.99 nintendo switch and what looks to be a small tablet or mp3 player? You really think he should get away with it? Shitty generic fake stuffed animals is one thing, a game system they should never own on welfare is another

  • Hughbo Mont
    September 18, 2018 at 1:59 pm

    No surprise the leftists promise more free shit to get votes.

  • randiguy2006
    September 18, 2018 at 11:19 am

    I certainly hop they get to the bottom of this heinous crime wave.

    • lisa flood
      September 18, 2018 at 5:50 pm

      Oh yeah it’s joke to you Randy who can’t even spell right. Most of us want to bring up law abiding kids , not just some laws , all laws.

  • Max morvey
    September 18, 2018 at 6:24 am

    These kids will grow up to be the ones assaulting police officers.

  • Donnarose Russian
    Donnarose Russian
    September 17, 2018 at 8:46 pm

    They’re undocumented prizewinners.

    • Michael Hunt
      Mike Hunt
      September 18, 2018 at 7:27 am

      Nah, he’s homegrown. Probably took the family on day trip from Methuen

  • Ted Baxter
    September 17, 2018 at 8:40 pm

    This could come in handy. Tunnelling out of her house might be her only option one day.

  • TJB
    September 17, 2018 at 8:20 pm

    Just when Ya think you saw everything, there’s this. I bet 20 it’s from Lawrence.

    • Jim
      September 19, 2018 at 5:23 pm

      You called it!

  • Fo Sho
    Not wid my dick
    September 17, 2018 at 8:02 pm

    I’ll bet that door smells a lot better than the one the kid was originally dropped from.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    September 17, 2018 at 7:48 pm

    Hey TB can’t wait for your blog on the latest pity piece by the Globe on Oumou the black guy…er…girl.

  • Ozzy
    September 17, 2018 at 7:47 pm

    Just a warmup for pet doors in people’s houses.

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