All-Star Criminals

Dalton “Assquatch Manbun” Bermingham Was Arrested In Lakeville For Leading 90 MPH Chase With Crack Cocaine In His 60 Year Old Roommate’s Stolen Car

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Who remembers this Turtleboy repeat customer?


His name is Dalton Bermingham,



AKA the Manbunned Asquatch. Last we head from him he was seen walking through the woods of Plympton, without pants of course, which was caught on a hunting stand camera.

Well, he’s back in the news again, and this time he was spotted in Lakeville and Berkely, but it was a special occasion so he had pants on:

Just to review:

  • He was driving in Lakeville and was pulled over for not having any tail lights
  • He elected not to stop and instead led the cops on a 90 mph chase through residential neighborhoods and into the town of Berkley
  • The Berkley PD had set up stop sticks that he ran through shredding his tires
  • He jumped out of the car and ran back into his natural habitat – the woods, except he had his pants on for the moment
  • He was caught and arrested
  • Cops found a bunch of crack cocaine in the cigarette holder
  • The car was registered to a 60 year old man named David Wilkinson, who of course is also his roommate
  • Wilkinson said that he loaned the car to Assquatch for $200, it was supposed to be back 2 hours ago, and he thought his real name was Mark
  • Assquatch also told the cops that he didn’t know Wilkinson’s real name, and that he thought HE was the one named Mark
  • Assquatch said he was introduced to his 60 year old roommate through a woman named “Heather”
  • Wilkinson said he didn’t know Assquatch’s last name or phone number, which Assquatch proved was a lie later on when he showed the cops text messages between them in which Wilkinson was cursing out Assquatch for not returning the car
  • Wilkinson admitted to lying about Assquatch’s phone number because he was trying to cover for Assquatch who was already on probation
  • Wilkinson said Assquatch would contact the police to confirm his story but Assquatch failed to do so
  • Assquatch is now in the Plymouth House of Corrections on $20K bail

Just another day in the life of Dalton Bermingham. I honestly expected nothing less than this, and the fact that he has a 60 year old roommate who he calls Mark and vice versa, whose car he rented out and never returned, drove around 90 mph with crack cocaine into two towns, abandoned the car and ran into the woods before finally being apprehended, is the least surprising thing I’ve ever heard.

Oh, and his mugshot was legendary:

Good God. Just look at thing. It’s glorious.

Mom sure will be proud!




Can’t wait for the next installment of Assquatch – tales of a South Shore manbunned poonstachio!

20 Comment(s)
  • z
    April 20, 2018 at 12:45 pm

    Mug shot looks like a Jesse James or Billy the Kid death photo.
    Or like the album cover from a 70s hard rock album.

    I still feel that everyone should get 1 shot after they get charged, convicted and do whatever punishment is handed out. Do your time and stay on the straight and narrow and society shouldn’t hold a grudge. This tool has used his shot up.

  • Hughbo Mont
    April 18, 2018 at 1:48 pm

    I’m shocked this wasn’t a 20 page or so blog like SSTG normally writes. Hope she’s OK.

  • Father Whyat Hurts
    April 18, 2018 at 1:39 pm

    Dalton Bermingham is a prime candidate to convert to the Pincha Stool Vishnu Church. He has the required hatred, anxiety, and potential to dine on our sacred cow (offerings.) We want all to keep in mind, if you have similar hatred, anger, rage, any of these feelings on a constant basis, please contact us we are looking for converts to spread the love of PS Vishnu. There is an answer, it is the Brown Chunky God of Brown Chunky World! (Our best selling bumper sticker right thea”. Spread the sacred cheeks and receive the valued mineral treasures. Starting with you Dalton, come to us.

    • Car Bomb Sean
      April 18, 2018 at 5:56 pm

      More faggot cringe humor from the constantly exploding north of Ireland.

      He’s still alive, he doesn’t know how much he sucks enough to kill himself.

  • Kanacke Hasser
    April 18, 2018 at 11:46 am

    Talking about raping kids?

    I would beat that walking abortion until his jaw hung off his head and he talked slow for the rest of his life.

  • Brian
    April 18, 2018 at 10:14 am

    First I thought there was no way that could be a man as it has to be a girl. Then I read story and realized that Dalton is just a little femine boy that sounds a majority of his time getting ass fucked by older men for free rent. What a pathetic fairy

    • DALTON Sucks Old Cock
      April 18, 2018 at 1:59 pm

      This is Dalton and I take offense to that. My resume inludes superior rimming and blowjob experience. Dont pigeon hole me. I got multiple talents bitch.

      • z
        April 20, 2018 at 1:40 pm

        Well, ok then.

        Those are some really handy marketable skills that are in high demand.

        Salter College by any chance?

  • Well, No Shit
    April 18, 2018 at 9:24 am

    Fucking “Southie.”

    Is it mandatory to act like a pseudo-toughguy if you’re from “Southie?” Is it possible to NOT be the stereotype?

    It doesn’t seem so. 

    • bobbyorr#4
      April 19, 2018 at 1:32 am

      No – only yuppies act like the tough guys .. for some reason they think that’s how they have to act to be cool. It’s fucking ridiculous and embarrassing … with all their bro shit 

  • Yucko
    April 18, 2018 at 8:29 am

    Aren’t you already starting off on the wrong foot in life if you live in that part of the state? Seriously where do you go from there? The Senate? CEO of a Fortune 500 co?

  • Dalton is a girl's name??
    April 18, 2018 at 8:12 am

    She should be locked up…..forevah!

    • Dalton Tough
      April 18, 2018 at 2:02 pm

      Listen bitch I was the toughest bouncer in RoadHouse.
      Theres a time to be nice and then a time not to be so nice and I say when. You are not so tough I fucked guys like you in prison.

      • Dr. Elizabeth Clay
        April 18, 2018 at 2:07 pm

        You know for that line of work I thought you would be bigger.

  • whatevuh
    April 18, 2018 at 5:42 am

    Judges will keep letting this shit-stain out to do this all over again, and again, and again

  • Ron Burgundy
    April 18, 2018 at 12:51 am

    Stay classy San Diego.

    On a side note, who the fuck threatens someone with a baton? He’s going LAPD = Rodney King style on that ass.

    • Kevi
      April 18, 2018 at 7:33 am

      I love Dalton’s man buns! Looks like my next trip will be to LA if I can clear it with my PO. I plan to be very naughty so LAPD don’t spare the baton!

  • K
    April 18, 2018 at 12:42 am

    I was just wondering why is the mother being attacked? Because on Halloween she had a great costume in a Barbie box? Or was it because people attacked her on the internet calling or prostitute and all of the things and she defended herself?

    The sun obviously has an addiction problem. You can’t blame the mother for her son going down the wrong path in all occasions. I haven’t read anything about her except what I’ve seen on this blog and to me it just seemed she was defending herself.

    • Tito Jackoff
      April 18, 2018 at 11:13 am

      Why are you still here and not sucking off Tito Jackson right the fuck now, you chickenhead skeet target of a heifer?

      Get back to work, ho. Find something to do before we call your boss and let him know you’re on Turtleboy. He wouldn’t like that, would he, Kadeisha?

  • roberti
    April 18, 2018 at 12:26 am

    Apple does not fall far from the tree.

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