All-Star Criminals

Dartmouth Donkey Schlong Gets Arrested For Whipping Out Skin Flute At Random Women, Mother In Law Defends His Honor On DPD Facebook Page

 

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This is Jose Luis Diaz from Dartmouth.

As you can see, this is a mugshot. Take a wild guess what crime he was arrested for.

I know, I know. Most of you were probably thinking something involving securities trading. But as it turns out he just likes to whip his dick out at random women he doesn’t know. This isn’t spring break bruh, and if it was they’d be shouting “show us your boobs,” not “show us your pubes.”

As it turns out this walking lice farm is happily married with a crotch fruit at home.

He really loves her though.

“I love you so much, now excuse me while I show a bunch of strange women my flaccid porridge gun.”

The fam has come out in full force to defend his honor. Not his blood fam though – his in laws.

Yea DPD, not a good look! A good look is when you show up on your local police department’s Facebook page to defend your son in law after he was arrested for whipping his cock out all over the south coast.

Turns out this was all “fails information.”

Right. The DPD would’ve totally wasted their time arresting your son in law if they didn’t have eye witness accounts and positive identifications from women who were subjected to the dick pride parade.

Just to make it clear though – she’d never be posting these things if the allegations were true, because that would make her look stupid.

And clearly this woman is a rocket scientist.

The DPD had something to say too.

Her response was brilliant.

He couldn’t have been arrested for whipping out the skin flute because he was arrested in front of a Wendy’s, and not at UMass. Case closed.

Hey Jodi, if you’d like to explain to us why your son in law was the victim of a fails arrest then hit us up on Facebook or send us an email. I’m sure Uncle Turtleboy would love to have you on the podcast.

 

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52 Comment(s)
  • ncfoothillbilly
    July 30, 2019 at 8:51 pm

    Cut the Sultan of Snausages a break. How many years has it been since he’s seen his dick? He just wanted random women to attest that it was still there.
    And mom in law…at least you shaved for that pic, but it looks like it had been a couple of days.

  • Dr. Obvious MD
    July 29, 2019 at 10:27 pm

    What a mug shot. The eyes of a mug shot are a window to the soul. “Oh, fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Oh, God, what do I tell Alexis? I’m so fucked! Shit shit shit shit! WHAT AM I GONNA TELL JODI? I’m so fucked.”

  • Corinth Arkadin
    July 29, 2019 at 4:12 pm

    Getting busted for a weenie-wagger beef is the ghettoest crime ever. Even stealing firewood is at a higher echelon.

  • Liawatha
    July 29, 2019 at 3:17 pm

    Did it ever occur to you that this is acceptable behavior in his culture. You all need to stop being so judgmental and embrace and celebrate diversity. He clearly adores his wife based on all those heart emojis. You all must validate him and his beautiful culture!

    • Liawatha
      July 29, 2019 at 3:35 pm

      You people need to grow up! He was arrested in front of Wendy’s not UMass! There are no yellow lines on rte. 6! The jackbooted Dartmouth PD are really reaching on this one! My God!

    • Walt Ostrander
      July 29, 2019 at 8:17 pm

      “His”?!?!? You’re better than that, Liawatha. Assume they/it is a Latinx.

  • Liz Warren
    July 29, 2019 at 3:04 pm

    Ah yes, another upstanding islander here to drive a vehicle unlicensed, unregistered, most likely uninsured, and likes to pop out his peanut at random women on the street.

    Bring more of them up here. They are helping us to MAGA!

  • Captain Trips
    July 29, 2019 at 3:00 pm

    Arrested in front of a Wendy’s with a chicken mcnugget in his pants.

    “Excuse me sir, are you flashing me or is your thumb sticking out of a hole in your pocket?”

  • Johnny Cockring
    July 29, 2019 at 2:34 pm

    Innocent. He hasn’t seen it in years so how could he be sure that he was flashing.

  • The angry taint
    July 29, 2019 at 2:14 pm

    ok somebody cue up the seinfeld episode of elaine saying”he took IT out”

    • The angry taint
      July 30, 2019 at 12:55 am

      did some flaccid miscreant down vote my comment? FOAD that was GOLD Jerry…..GOLD!

  • Freaks Galore
    July 29, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    Pulled over in front of Wendy’s and arrested for serving up his quarter pounder.

  • z
    July 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm

    He couldn’t have been arrested for whipping out the skin flute because he was arrested in front of a Wendy’s, and not at UMass. Case closed.

    It well may be. Throw in the fact that the cop describes the road as having a yellow line and there isn’t any and a good lawyer could get a good run with that. In Springfield a guy was arrested for throwing a chunk of concrete at a cop. He also checked out on a time clock in E. Windsor CT. 24 minutes later. NEXT TO FUCKING POSSIBLE to do both in 24 minutes. Cops also wrote a report that doesn’t match video footage. So, the cops are 0 for 2.

    “Judge Douglas H. Wilkins reversed an order of a Springfield District Court judge who had ruled Serrano, who is represented by Erin O’Connor, was too dangerous to be released under any conditions. Wilkins released Serrano on his own recognizance.”

    If I was on a jury the kid in Springfield walks. Cops have to get it right, no exceptions.

    • z
      July 29, 2019 at 2:56 pm

      IMPOSSIBLE. Duh.

    • TheCureForHope
      July 29, 2019 at 3:33 pm

      Is it at least a possibility that the Springfield kid left work early and had a friend punch him out at the right time? Or the kid called his friend and said ‘quick, punch me out?’

  • Hearsay
    July 29, 2019 at 1:53 pm

    With the recent uptick in these incidents a certain expert witness with ties to the judicial system and encyclopedic knowledge of local penises has been brought in to make the positive ID.

    • The angry taint
      July 29, 2019 at 2:05 pm

      I do believe Ms.Ballbricker from Angel H.S. is quite knowledgeable in this field.

      • Beulah Ballbricker
        July 29, 2019 at 5:13 pm

        “I can identify that penis. Just have them all line up. I’m telling you I can identify that penis.”

    • Lustful Leigha
      July 29, 2019 at 8:19 pm

      Pick me! Pick me!

      • Ashley Loslopio's Beach Body Fail
        July 29, 2019 at 8:22 pm

        Back off copper! He’s fat, a criminal, and Latino – he checks all my boxes, so he’s mine. Maybe I can be his probation officer, too.

      • The angry taint
        July 29, 2019 at 9:02 pm

        Drinks? on you of course

    • Dick Scratcher
      July 30, 2019 at 3:27 am

      Is Bobbin for Boners free to give expert testimony?

      She’s seen practically every cock in New England.

      • Batman
        July 30, 2019 at 7:34 am

        Dick, I think she restricted her penis checks to members of the Rockland town management team. She definitely saw and tasted them all but her scope is smaller. Good call tho, I forgot about her already and she lives literally 2-3 miles from me, next time over. What an utter trash basket.

        • Dick Scratcher
          July 30, 2019 at 7:50 am

          Until Failure Swift came along she was my favourite ratchet ever!

  • Dr Girlfriend
    July 29, 2019 at 1:46 pm

    If this chucklehead flashed me his underwhelming phallus, I would have laughed him away. As opposed to chase him away. If children were present, that’s an entirely different senario. A swift kick in the peen. Not entirely sure but have heard behavior like this tends to escalate? Glad to hear he is being held accountable.

  • banger
    July 29, 2019 at 1:42 pm

    Once again we have ungrateful woman. What’s going on? In the old days you whip your kielbasa out, and the woman were grateful, and dropped to their knees to worship your cock. Now you do it and your a sex offender. Must be the proliferation of man hating lesbians. Next thing you know it’ll be illegal to bang a 14yo. Oops…

  • Dick Scratcher
    July 29, 2019 at 12:32 pm

    Limerick of the day…….

    You may be quite proud of your meat
    And it may dangle down to your feet
    Watch out for that pride
    Cause you’ll end up inside
    I you whip out your snake on the street

    Dick Scratcher – aged 51.5 years, 5.5 inches, 8.5 years still to serve

    • Dick Scratcher
      July 29, 2019 at 12:33 pm

      *If

      Dammit!!

      • Big Wick
        July 29, 2019 at 2:36 pm

        No prob, ’twas understood. IMPECCABLE cadence, sir!

        • Dick Scratcher
          July 29, 2019 at 4:14 pm

          You’re a kind man, Big W.

          Your words of praise ate always appreciated.

          DS

          • The angry taint
            July 30, 2019 at 12:59 am

            are……sorry sir couldn’t help meself….i’ll kindly fuck off….there;s a lamb

          • Dick Scratcher
            July 30, 2019 at 3:11 am

            Thanks, TAT.

            To the little lambs that vote me down, I have only one thing to say to you darlings, and you all know what that is.

            Off you fuck!!

    • johny pissoff
      July 29, 2019 at 1:54 pm

      Ting-a-ling, God damn, find a woman if you can.
      If you can’t find a woman, find a clean old man.
      If you’re ever in Gibraltar, take a flying fuck at Walter.
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
      Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?
      Can you throw ’em o’er your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
      Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?
      Do they make a lusty clamor when you hit them with a hammer?
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
      Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?
      Can you bounce ’em off the wall like an Indian rubber ball?
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
      Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?
      Do they have a hollow sound when you drag ’em on the ground?
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
      Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?
      Do they have a mellow tingle when you hit ’em with a shingle?
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
      Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?
      Do they have a salty taste when you wrap ’em ’round your waist?
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
      Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?
      Do they chime like a gong when you pull upon your dong?
      Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

      • Buffalo Bill
        July 29, 2019 at 2:42 pm

        What I want to know is how the hell could you garner a thumbs-down? Awesome, a blast from my teen-camp past!

        • Limey Limerick Lemming
          July 29, 2019 at 8:17 pm

          Dick Scratcher no doubt. He can’t even compose a decent limerick, which is the simplest form of prose besides haiku. Fuckin’ poseur limey cuck.

          • Dick Scratcher
            July 30, 2019 at 3:19 am

            Off you fuck, Soft Lad.

      • Captain Trips
        July 29, 2019 at 3:05 pm

        Excellent

      • Linda
        July 29, 2019 at 5:43 pm

        It’s better if you saw “wobble to and fro” like it’s supposed to be.

    • Captain Trips
      July 29, 2019 at 3:06 pm

      Excellent sir!

  • Spic Tormentor
    July 29, 2019 at 12:23 pm

    Shocking that it’s a hispanic. They are such law abiding people

  • Social Justice Warrior
    July 29, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    He should’ve just whipped it out in a women’s bathroom and just claimed to identify as a woman if he wanted to expose himself.

    • Aonaöe
      July 29, 2019 at 1:02 pm

      There’s no urinals, so in the words of Eddie Murphy’s grandma, that’s nasty (as well as illegal).

  • Jodi
    July 29, 2019 at 12:05 pm

    It couldnt be him because the police report said he had a small cock. He has a big cock and I wouldnt have posted this if it wasnt true. Trust me I know.

    • fragiile
      July 29, 2019 at 1:37 pm

      But Jodi, how can he prove it? I think he show just find a large crowd of woman, with a camera nearby, and “whip it out” to have more witnesses. Then as a good woman does, they can all drop to their knees and service him one by one. Thanking him as they leave.

    • The Name Game
      July 29, 2019 at 2:32 pm

      I bet you DO know, Grody (to the max) Jodi. (And we do love the blue-ribbon bride!) What inquiring minds want to know, do those super-sized incisors fold back? Asking for friends.

  • Sprinkle Pig
    July 29, 2019 at 11:57 am

    I love the Dartmouth Police they seem to have great facebook dept. lol They have no problem talking to shit. BTW since when does a mother in law go all in for their SiL? My MiL would be the one to turn me in certainly not go all “free mu boi” or “he dinnu du nuffin” for me. lol. What a giant tub of goo this kid is huh? Acts like the doting husband while whipping it out for all the ladies to see.

    • hectorio
      July 29, 2019 at 1:38 pm

      Their hispanic, he’s probably banging the MIL, sisters, cousins, aunts, etc etc

      • Please Learn English
        July 29, 2019 at 8:26 pm

        They are or They’re are acceptable. Their is a possesive pronoun.

  • Incel Tears
    July 29, 2019 at 11:49 am

    Why do dudes think it’s ok to do this? Your dick pics are not impressive either!!! It just makes you look like an IDIOT.

  • Fatt Mc Tub-O-Lard
    July 29, 2019 at 11:30 am

    I call B.S, that kid is wayyyyy too fat to run for anything but the ice cream truck much less for sport.

  • Bat Mitzvah
    July 29, 2019 at 11:28 am

    Idiots….. What else can you say?

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