Deep Fried Worcester Junior Hoodrats Smashing Bike Sharing OFO Bikes With Rocks And Destroying Them All Over The City Is Why Worcester Can’t Have Nice Things
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A couple months back Worcester’s leaders, which have been trying to convince us that Worcester is “on the rise” did a big press conference announcing that OFO bike sharing was putting 200 of their bikes in Worcester. It was a great photo op for overpaid boobs with nothing to do like Ed Augustus and former Lt. Governor Tim Murray, who now gets paid $250,000 to head the Worcester Chamber of Commerce. They all rode around on the yellow bikes in their suits and pretended that Worcester was becoming some sort of yuppie, gentrified metropolis where bikes like this would be in demand:
Thank you #Worcester for such a warm welcome! 🙌
We are thrilled to be part of the great city & community…and can't wait to ride w/you!💪🚲💫 pic.twitter.com/CPbXSjQFW8
— ofo US (@ofo_bicycle) September 14, 2017
And of course it would’t be complete without a ribbon cutting:
— HECCMA (@HECCMA) September 14, 2017
Because these people’s entire existence revolves around cutting ribbons.
The idea is simple – you download the ofo app to find and rent a bike closest to you. You get a code that you scan next to the bike’s GPS and get on and go. It costs $1 an hour, or 50 cents for college students. You then drop the bike off wherever you feel like it, since there are no docking stations, and they stop charging you. You can’t steal the bikes because they’re locked without the app, and they have GPS so they can be tracked down.
On paper it makes perfect sense. OFO bikes have been successful in other places. They currently can be found in 46 cities across the world, most of which are in China where everyone rides bikes. However, in America they can only be found in three cities – Seattle, San Francisco, and Worcester. Guess which one of those three is not like the rest?
Seattle is one of the cleanest cities in the country, filled with soy eating eco-warriors and twenty something hipsters equipped with iPhones and Daddy’s money. San Francisco is the same thing with more hills.
Worcester is Worcester. We’re not talking about Seattle or San Fran, or some actual city where people want to visit and see the sites. We talking bout Worcester here. The Woo. It’s filled to the brim with panhandlers, hoodrats, ratchets, and junk nuggets. Anyone with a brain knew what a disaster this would ultimately be. Sure, it wasn’t gonna cost the city anything, but if you thought for one second this would actually work out you were not living in the same city as the rest of us.
But since Ed Augustus lives in Millis, he was naive enough to believe that it was all part of his master plan to turn Worcester into an “innovative” (new buzzword) emerald city:
Augustus said having an easy-to-use modern bike-sharing system in Worcester will help build the city’s reputation for innovation.
“What kind of people do we want to attract to this city and retain in this city? People who know that this is a city that is open to new ideas, that we’re constantly reinventing ourselves and positioning ourselves for the future,” Augustus said.
“What kind of people do we want to retain and attract to the city?” he asks. Well, this is what you’re gonna find behind City Hall where this photo op took place:
This is the crowd he thinks is going to make Worcester the economic hub of New England. The 1 PM junkbox patrol anxiously awaiting Diego’s new package. Lots of people from outside Worcester are saying to themselves,
“I wasn’t gonna move Worcester before because of all the crime, filth, and junkies, but now that they got those bikes, I’m sold!!”
Well, let’s see what this program looks like in action after a few weeks:
Oh look, junkies are taking them apart for the parts. Or just fort he fuck of it:
People are finding them in their yards:
And here’s some rolly-poly Latarian Milton-looking kid doing what most Worcester junior hoordats do in their free time – smashing an ofo bike with a rock:
Gee whiz, never saw that one coming.
Oh wait, yes we did. But that’s just because Turtleboy grew up in Worcester. We understand the people here. They are what they are. And they can’t have nice things. They just don’t know what to do with something nice because their entire lives have revolved around living in shit and squalor. They will literally ruin everything they touch because it’s the only thing they know how to do. It’s why it’s pointless to try to make downtown Worcester look like downtown Seattle.
The best part was the legal experts commenting on it…..
She used “per se” so obviously she knows what she’s talking about. Everyone knows that you have to let people in public smashing bikes know that you are recording them. Just like all those police brutality videos. The people filming the cops always let them know beforehand that they’re being record. Plus, you can tell that Julie and Kris-Ellen are legal experts because of their Facebook filters:
Other people are noticing:
Bike-sharing launched in Worcester & every other delinquent in my neighborhood suddenly has a new yellow bike. https://t.co/WSp8mapUTO
— STEVE HUFF (@SteveHuff) September 30, 2017
And there’s a 0.0% chance these junior hoodrats are actually downloading the app and paying to use these bikes with a credit card. I have no idea how they’re doing it, but they’re Worcester kids. And Worcester kids ALWAYS have some sort of scheme going on. It’s how you survive growing up in Worcester. Ratchet kids raised by ratchet adults do ratchet things.
The crowd that was intended to use these bikes can’t find them now as a result:
@ofo_bicycle we need more bikes in downtown Worcester! Had to walk home last night 🙁
— Chris Markman (@akamarkman) September 27, 2017
Surely ofo, which is an extremely successful company, had to have known that Worcester was not a fit for this. So why the hell would they choose to come here? Well, because the Chamber of Commerce “cooperated” with them:
Grace Lin, the head of ofo’s U.S. branch, said the decision to include Worcester in their U.S. launch and make it one of the first launching cities was a result of the Worcester Regional Chamber of Commerce’s dedication to getting a bike-share program in the city.
“I have to admit, the most important factor for us to put Worcester on the first cities list was the warm attitude from the chamber, because they really cooperated with us a lot,” Lin said in an interview.
Translation – someone got paid. And Tim Murray has to justify the quarter of a million dollars he gets paid every single year. He has to show the general public that he’s not just some empty suit doing nothing all day. He’s coming up with ideas.
— Tim Murray (@TimMurray_MA) September 23, 2017
And now that we have bikes, the next logical step is to bring Amazon here:
— Worcester Chamber (@chamberworc) September 25, 2017
How naive and braindead do you have to be in order to believe that Amazon has any sort of interest in opening up in Worcester? First of all, it’s hilarious what Amazon is doing. They’re basically whoring themselves out to cities across the country to see who will give them the biggest tax break in order to set up shop there. Can’t believe more companies don’t do this. Cities are literally lining up to tax them the least amount they can because they’re so desperate to act like they’re a “city on the move.”
But of course the problem is that Amazon has to be close to an international airport. Ya know, because their entire business model revolves around shipping crap you order to your house. And Worcester airport flies to Florida and….Florida:
So as long as the only people using Amazon live in Orlando, Worcester would be an ideal place for Amazon.
Here’s the worst kept secret in town right now – this was just an experiment:
“Seattle has half a million, Worcester is another size that we’re very interested in trying to serve,” Lin said. “We haven’t launched in a city of this size, but we wouldn’t say it’s an experiment, it’s something that we want to do a lot in the future.”
They wanna see if their business model can work in a shitty, mid-sized American city. That’s why they’re doing it in Revere now too:
Revere is Oct. 2, but locked in. Worcester up and running.
— Steven with a ph (@steveannear) September 27, 2017
Obviously it will fail there, just like it has here. And the Chinese have learned a very valuable lesson about hoodrat culture in America.
Anyway, it’s just more glitz and glamour bullshit that the political establishment, AKA the McGovern Crime Family, uses to convince their idiot supporters that they’re turning Worcester in to some magical place to live. You can either value these kind of politicians, or the pragmatic ones like Michael Gaffney, Konnie Lukes, Coreen Gaffney, Davis Asare, Gary Rosen, and Paul Franco. These are the people who aren’t showing up to ribbon cutting bullshit because their vision for the city is what people actually want – lower property tax rates, less wasteful spending on bullshit non-profits, better city services, and walkable sidewalks with parks that are actually cleaned and maintained. This is why it’s important to vote the Turtleboy Ticket in November:
Mayor: Konnie Lukes
District 4: Coreen Gaffney
District 5: Paul Franco
At large Councilors: Konnie Lukes, Mike Gaffney, Gary Rosen
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