All-Star Criminals

Drunken Cape Ginger, Who Ripped Off Her Shirt And Grabbed A Knife To Attack Motorist With Her Yabos Flying Free, Has History Of Even More Bizarre Arrests Than This One

Drunken Cape Ginger, Who Ripped Off Her Shirt And Grabbed A Knife To Attack Motorist With Her Yabos Flying Free, Has History Of Even More Bizarre Arrests Than This One. 

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

You know what? Some days I just want to absolutely say “fuck it,” mentally snap, and just start doing whatever I want. Y’all just gonna have to deal with it. Espesh when I get mad about traffic, rip my clothes off, show off my tig oles, and weild a knife. So when one of my colleagues has to do my write up you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Susan Kettell, a resident of the sleepy town of Sandwich, snapped a while ago and she’s still going. She made the news this week is one of the most horrifically (yet somehow visually hysterical) acts of road rage we have ever heard about. 

Look at this gem.

I have two different ways I would have handled this.

SSTGMOM would have been cautious and angered that this crazy bitch put my kids in danger. I would have locked the doors. She would have gotten a sock full of quarters to the grill. Why? SSTHOMIE don’t play dat.

SSTG, minus the kids, would have been hanging out the window taping it (horizontal-like) and scream-laughing like I was the Mark Hamill Joker in the Animated Batman Series. I would have giggled though her bouncing flap-jacks (you’ll get that joke later) and her random ability to grab a butcher knife out of the Explorer she was driving. A bare-chested crazy ginger coming flying at me like she was fighting a mongoose. Riki Tiki Tittie. Too much gold to be true. I’d be clapping like a touched seal.

(Sorry, I went a little wild on the early 90’s gifs. I couldn’t help myself.) 

Now, the mainstream media couldn’t seem to find a muggy on this broad. Actually, neither could I. Shes not on Facebook like. It’s of the civilized world. So I whined to the Turtle Office and MVTB located what this woman looked like in better times. (Thanks Bae. Team work makes the dream work.)

There is only one Susan Kettell on the Cape. She’s made the paper about a million times. Some good. Some bad.

We’re a positive company so let’s start with the good. Susan used to work with her Mom at a really popular breakfast grill in the area. They had a fire and had to close down. They ended up reopening and here is a picture of better times.

Susan also faced a ton of medical issues and she and her mom made the paper for that too.

Somewhere along the lines Susan snapped like a frail twig. I can’t tell you if it’s just booze, later-onset schizophrenia, perc snacks or meth smoothies. What I can tell you is that her Google Trophies are a great read. She once smashed the window of a marketplace for…. pie. 

Wait it gets better. She was found with a bunch of stolen food, hiding in a dog house, and nibbling her way though bags of chips. She has to crawl out of the dog house when the police busted her secret snack headquarters.

She’s done it before too! 

I’m guilty of having the drunken munchies too. Usually I’ll just microwave something I would never normally eat and slap it in a pita like a good sloppy moron. 

She’s also gone after a member of her family in a similar violent way:

She’s pretty much the local wingnut. Her ex husband seems to have quite the fun past as well. He’s the dude that was trying to tickle kids at a Plymouth bouncey house place and then fled from police.

 Nothing out of sorts here. Carry on.

Anyways, this was the highlight of my week. I kind of cant wait to see what she does next seeing that no one can keep this woman in a funny farm for long. 

15 Comment(s)
  • thomas welch
    July 28, 2017 at 11:05 am

    I lived at Susan’s home when she was married to Justin, I worked for Justin, .For those of you who are quick to judge , Justin was at that kid place with his Nephews and was tryin to help them overcome their shyness , He is not a perv.
    Susan was a blast to be around, always happy go lucky, She drank a few bears, nothin more, she was and is really cool, and she never did drugs.
    I haven’t seen her in 8 years, I hope whatever kind of situation she’s in that she gets help.
    I wish the best to them,, wherever they may be..

  • Erin
    July 26, 2017 at 11:16 am

    To start one of these pictures is not of Susan at all, but of someone else and Susan’s mother. Susan has had a lot of health and personal issues that have lead her to possible drug and alcohol dependence. Back in the day she was a fantastic mother and good friend. I feel terrible that the healthcare system has failed her and now has entered the legal system, where she will NOT get the help she truly needs.

  • Cartman
    July 25, 2017 at 7:49 pm

  • Uncle Joe
    July 25, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    Don’t have to guess what’s wrong with her. She’s a ginger, nuff’ said.

  • They call me Ponch
    July 25, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    No video?

    Saw the picture and was eager to see the display.

    You were thinking it too.

    Fuck you.

  • Troubled Nostrils
    July 25, 2017 at 9:48 am

    I can’t help but giggle when I read “A Sandwich Woman.”

    • bigdaddy
      Ted Kennedy
      July 25, 2017 at 10:12 am

      I had a waitress sandwich once

      • bigdaddy
        Chris Dodd
        July 25, 2017 at 11:31 am

        Ah those were the days
        BTW congratulations for your 8 years of sobriety

  • Stunt Pennie
    July 25, 2017 at 9:47 am

    If (big “If”, and it wasn’t just all made-up bs – sad to think you actually have to question these things, but that’s the world we live in today, with all the fake gofundme crap out there) she has really has some of the medical conditions alluded to in the 2010 article, then I can almost feel a degree of sympathy for her. She wasn’t a bad looking girl back in the diner picture. Her mother still alive and in the picture? Chronic illnesses can be emotionally debilitating to someone without a good support structure.

  • The Executioner
    July 25, 2017 at 9:27 am

    This woman obviously needs some counseling and addiction therapy. I actually feel very sorry for her, and that is just not my nature. Hopefully she gets the help she needs through the courts and doesn’t end up long term in prison…that bed is needed for others.

    • bigdaddy
      July 25, 2017 at 10:51 am

      This is not your run of the mill ratchet She has alcohol , drug or more likely mental health issues She should get help before she really hurts some one

    July 25, 2017 at 9:24 am

    Dating a Ginger is like Gump and Chocolates, some nights you never know what you going to get. I dated a Puerto Rican ginger once, I was wrong all the time and I never won an argument but it wasn’t boring.

    • Adrian Barbosa
      July 25, 2017 at 8:09 pm

      you’re lucky to be alive!

  • Snicklefritz
    July 25, 2017 at 9:23 am

    It was a waitress working there, her boyfriend (or husband?) burned it down. I can’t remember exactly but it was a big story.

  • Snicklefritz
    July 25, 2017 at 9:16 am

    I remember very vividly when the diner burned down. We went there all the time growing up, this craz ass woman’s crazy ass boyfriend burned it to the ground. Ugh.

Comment on this Post


White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?