Drunken Cape Ginger, Who Ripped Off Her Shirt And Grabbed A Knife To Attack Motorist With Her Yabos Flying Free, Has History Of Even More Bizarre Arrests Than This One.
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You know what? Some days I just want to absolutely say “fuck it,” mentally snap, and just start doing whatever I want. Y’all just gonna have to deal with it. Espesh when I get mad about traffic, rip my clothes off, show off my tig oles, and weild a knife. So when one of my colleagues has to do my write up you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
Susan Kettell, a resident of the sleepy town of Sandwich, snapped a while ago and she’s still going. She made the news this week is one of the most horrifically (yet somehow visually hysterical) acts of road rage we have ever heard about.
I have two different ways I would have handled this.
SSTGMOM would have been cautious and angered that this crazy bitch put my kids in danger. I would have locked the doors. She would have gotten a sock full of quarters to the grill. Why? SSTHOMIE don’t play dat.
SSTG, minus the kids, would have been hanging out the window taping it (horizontal-like) and scream-laughing like I was the Mark Hamill Joker in the Animated Batman Series. I would have giggled though her bouncing flap-jacks (you’ll get that joke later) and her random ability to grab a butcher knife out of the Explorer she was driving. A bare-chested crazy ginger coming flying at me like she was fighting a mongoose. Riki Tiki Tittie. Too much gold to be true. I’d be clapping like a touched seal.
(Sorry, I went a little wild on the early 90’s gifs. I couldn’t help myself.)
Now, the mainstream media couldn’t seem to find a muggy on this broad. Actually, neither could I. Shes not on Facebook like. It’s of the civilized world. So I whined to the Turtle Office and MVTB located what this woman looked like in better times. (Thanks Bae. Team work makes the dream work.)
There is only one Susan Kettell on the Cape. She’s made the paper about a million times. Some good. Some bad.
We’re a positive company so let’s start with the good. Susan used to work with her Mom at a really popular breakfast grill in the area. They had a fire and had to close down. They ended up reopening and here is a picture of better times.
Somewhere along the lines Susan snapped like a frail twig. I can’t tell you if it’s just booze, later-onset schizophrenia, perc snacks or meth smoothies. What I can tell you is that her Google Trophies are a great read. She once smashed the window of a marketplace for…. pie.
Wait it gets better. She was found with a bunch of stolen food, hiding in a dog house, and nibbling her way though bags of chips. She has to crawl out of the dog house when the police busted her secret snack headquarters.
She’s done it before too!
I’m guilty of having the drunken munchies too. Usually I’ll just microwave something I would never normally eat and slap it in a pita like a good sloppy moron.
She’s pretty much the local wingnut. Her ex husband seems to have quite the fun past as well. He’s the dude that was trying to tickle kids at a Plymouth bouncey house place and then fled from police.
Nothing out of sorts here. Carry on.
Anyways, this was the highlight of my week. I kind of cant wait to see what she does next seeing that no one can keep this woman in a funny farm for long.