Smiles And Sunshine

Easter Special: The Untold Gospel Of Turtleboy

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A long time ago in the land of Worcester there were people struggling to find someone to believe in. So God invented Turtleboy and sent him to Worcester to spread hot takes to the people. This is the story of Turtleboy.

Turtleboy was not the product of traditional conceptions. There was no boning involved, and Turtleboy just sort of appeared one day. Once the evil Queen Joyce McNickles found out about this “Turtleboy” she became threatened and was worried that one day Turtleboy would take her crown. So she ordered the “Massacre of the Innocents” and began naming names, calling people racist, threatening local businesses, and recklessly attempting to murder people’s reputations. But Turtleboy survived.

Turtleboy then went on a 40-day hunger strike in which he was tempted by the Devil, in the form of Nathan Pickens, who attempted to trick him by urging him to take 500 Facebook followers and turn them into 25,000. When he informed the Devil Hate Pickens that he had already done so overnight, his legend began to grow and soon he accumulated even more followers.

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Turtleboy’s apostles quickly became known as “Turtle Riders.” They were by his side as he began performing miracle after miracle. There were 12 chosen apostles – Brett Killoran, Matty Mo, Margaret Melican, Walter Bird, and Steve Quist were some of his earliest and most loyal of the 12.

This is when the miracles began. Turtleboy saw that the only blog in town was run by the evil tyrant Tracy Novick. He saw that the people of Worcester were hungry for hot takes, so he took Tracy’s cold takes, performed his magic, and instantly had enough hot takes to feed 5,000 hungry people.

Next thing you know the rumors began to spread that Turtleboy had walked across Bell Pond when it wasn’t frozen. He saw that Sonya Conner, RBG, Kevin Ksen, and Orange Julius Jones were selling bootleg water to the people, so he took that water and turned it into whining from Spanky McFarlane.

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Turtleboy also had a habit of raising people from the dead. He came across a school district run by the evil tyrants King Kevin Hayes and Queen Tracy Crowe. He saw defeated parents and children, whose souls were destroyed from years of abuse. So Turtleboy filed a Freedom of Information Act, called out their oppressors, and brought the people of Spencer and East Brookfield back from the dead.

Likewise, when the people were beginning to think that the Worcester Public Schools were dead, and killed by Melinda Boone, Turtleboy banished her from the land of Worcester and brought Maureen Binienda back to life.

When Turtleboy saw that the local leper from Sutton known as “Old Balls” had infected the Internet with his literary leprocy, Turtleboy had him forcefully removed from the Turtlegram and Gazette and the leprocy was no more.

When Turtleboy saw that the Boston Globe was blinding the public by painting deadbeat dad Joe Amoroso as a sympathetic victim, Turtleboy exposed him and cured the people’s blindness.

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Decent people everywhere, looking for a savior began to follow Turtleboy. However, many of the older members of the establishment, such as interns at the Turtlegram and Gazette, Lisa Dyer, failed mayoral candidates in distant lands, and several local GoFundMe trap queens from Spencer and Athol, began to try to shut him down.

Things really began to pick up in what has become known as “Turtleboy passion week.” As Turtleboy came back to Worcester after spreading hot takes to such distant lands as Orange, Brockton, Webster, and Greenfield, he was greeted by legions of new Turtle Riders. However, he was displeased to see the money changers known as “Mosaic Cultural Complex” selling their “diversity trainings” and “hypertension treatment” in the temple of City Hall. After destroying their leaders Brenda Jenkins, Boo Shameek, and Michal Jerry, Turtleboy became an even bigger target for the conservative establishment.

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Soon they began to question Turtleboy, asking him vague and open-ended questions, hoping to prove that he was racist, sexist, and/or homophobic. But Turtleboy outsmarted them with the truth and facts, something they were not familiar with or prepared for.

After the legend of Turtleboy began to spread all over the Facebook machine, he became a marked man. His detractors began to report his Facebook page repeatedly, only to see his followers grow. Soon he attracted the attention of the high priest Gordon Davis. But in order to get Turtleboy he needed one of the apostles to snitch and betray Turtleboy. Since Steve Quist was the weakest amongst them he had no problem switching teams for what he perceived as personal gain.

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In what is now being referred to as the “Last Summons” Turtleboy was brought to federal court for a massive, $153,000 lawsuit, led by Gordon Davis, the entire city of Buffalo, Get Down Productions Inc, and Laughlin Kennel. While he was being summonsed he was denied three times by Walter Bird, another former apostle who now wanted nothing to do with Turtleboy.

It was not looking good for Turtleboy. As he was arraigned in Worcester Superior Court, mobs of angry nudniks from the sinful villages of Colrain and Buffalo began shouting for his head. As the judge in this trial of the century, Pontius Ed Augustus told the Colrainians and Buffalonians that Turtleboy had committed no crime. Nevertheless they insisted that he had committed “deformation of character,” and thus was guilty of blasphemy by screenshotting things they had written on Facebook and putting them on his blog.

Finally Pontius Ed Augusts told the rabble that they could have him because he did not condone “hate speech.” When given the option of releasing the prisoner of their choice, the mob chanted, “We want Victoria Stankiewicz,” so Pontius Ed Augusts gave her to them.

The next day it appeared to be the end of Turtleboy when he was crucified in the court of Internet lawsuit public opinion. His Facebook posts were nowhere to be seen and it appeared as if all hope was lost.

Then on Sunday people woke up to the good news on their Facebook and Twitter feeds – Turtleboy had risen from the dead.  He continued to wander through the Internet looking for non-believers and converting them through the power of hot takes. And the world became a better place as a result of it as scumbag after scumbag was finally held responsible for their behavior.

The end.

 

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9 Comment(s)
  • Turtle Educator
    March 28, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Steve Quist Is Judas Iscariot.
    Walter Bird Is Simon Peter.
    Turtleboy Has Risen Again

  • RSoxGuy
    March 27, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    SAINT TB HAS ARRIVED!!!

  • buster
    March 27, 2016 at 11:45 am

    What a stupid, self aggrandizing load of crap. The work of a true savage. You show no respect for the faith of most of your readers. Shame on you.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      March 27, 2016 at 3:34 pm

      Yes… yes… let the jimmies rustle through you…

      • BobnMic
        March 28, 2016 at 12:12 am

        Thus producing more chocolate?

    • March 27, 2016 at 3:35 pm

      Why don’t you collectively suck down a big whiff of all us turtle rider’s anal vapor…maybe enjoy a cadbury egg too.

  • Enlightened
    March 27, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Absolutely the best Easter story I’ve heard in a long time. Even better than the 2-1/2 hour dog and pony show last night at church with the creation of the Earth story and 10 years old being baptised.
    THANK YOU for the Easter basket of joy.

  • TargetPractice
    March 27, 2016 at 9:06 am

    Mmmmm, Sacrilegey. I swear to god, turtleboy is the best. And I mean that in a I don’t believe in that crap kinda way

  • BobnMic
    March 27, 2016 at 2:43 am

    I swear to, umm, whomever that I heard the angels sing while reading. Awesome…

    Happy Easter TB and all riders!

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