All-Star Criminals

Fap Albert From The Portuguese Boys Gets Caught Breaking Into A Chick’s House And Stealing A Dildo For “Closure” Even Though They Went On One Date And Never Smashed

 

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A lot of people have been contacting us about the story out of Freetown involving Albert Sardinha , one of “The Portuguese Kids,” which apparently is a popular Youtube comedy act with hundreds of thousands of followers that I’ve somehow never heard of before.

They basically do corny parody videos from the perspective of second generation Port-a-geez mocking their old school Port-a-geez first generation parents who never bothered assimilating to American culture after jumping on the Azores expressway that always ends in Fall River. Ya know, stuff like, “Durr…..I don’t get American culture….durr…..we don’t need to buy clothes when we can make them at home…durr….Coronavirus comes from drinking Coronas.”

It’s basically the shit I make fun of the Port-a-geez for except they don’t get called racist like I do because they are Port-a-geez.

Anyway, Fap Albert was arrested two weeks ago in one of the creepiest ways possible.

Here’s the Freetown Police report:

TL;DR:

  • Chick goes on one date with guy, he gets clingy, starts sexting her despite never actually banging her
  • Kicks up a creepy notch when he he texts her and says that he knows she’s at work, even though she was ignoring him, sent pictures of her on the job (which suggests he was stalking her), and said that he knew her work and school schedule
  • He ends up breaking into her apartment while she’s at work because he knows her schedule, she surprises him by coming home early after getting sick while he’s still inside and confronts him, he tells her he’s there for closure and runs out out of the house with two bags with unknown items in them
  • She takes pictures of him fleeing towards his car
  • When she first got there she heard the door close and saw him standing right outside the door, which means he had to have been inside, and the door was unlocked even though she had locked it
  • The next day she realizes that he snatched what I can only assume was a dildo
  • She now has a one year restraining order against him, which is pretty hard to get so you know it’s not bullshit

Here’s the really grainy text message he sent her that was included in the police report, that makes him sound like a salty poon.

“I had wanted to give you a note I had written what I was trying to say to you. It was clear to me in the last week or so that you wanted to avoid things with me and that you were looking to unfriend me.”

Translation – I know you wanted nothing to do with me, and you made that very, very obvious, but I wasn’t done with you and I get to have the last say. So here’s my stupid note, which I naively assume will somehow get you to realize that you actually fucked up badly by ignoring a man who is 16 years older than you.

“I didn’t want to contact you because I felt like it would’ve just prompted you to ignore it.”

Translation – You keep blocking me so I’m just gonna show up at your house with a note instead, rather than take a hint and move on.

“I just wanna say a piece of my feeling and leave you alone.”

There is a 0.0% chance he planned on leaving her alone after the note. Guys like this think that life is a Disney movie, and that she would be so moved by his passionate letter that she’d run back into his arms.

“It sucked feeling built up for no reason. It hurt.”

Translation – This is mostly your fault.

“My intention was apologize for my end and say I didn’t have hard feelings towards you for leading me on and not being up front about what things were between us.”

Translation – I’m a better person than you are, because even though you’re a cunt for leading me on, I can still find it in my heart not to hate you.

“I had thought maybe in time we could be friends. That’s what my note was about.”

What kind of psychopath wants to be friends with a woman who is 16 year younger than him, who he went on ONE FUCKING DATE with??!!

Oh, and there was no push-push either. How the hell could you be this attached to a woman who you haven’t taken to poundtown?

He claims he dindu nuffin in an interview with the Standard Times.

“We were working on closure.”

No mother fucker, YOU were working on closure. Any dude who says he needs closure after one date with no push-push is by definition a psychopath.

The intent was indeed to have a conversation, but the problem with that is that she made it clear she didn’t wanna have a conversation which is why she blocked you on social media. Take the L and move onto the next one. Seriously, act like you’ve been there before

And what belongings of hers could he possibly have? He went on ONE FREAKING DATE!!

After speaking with a source who has been in that building I can say with 100% that there is no “common area” of this building. Plus, the woman downstairs heard him up there at 9 AM when she was at work. If that’s his defense then and the witness testifies in court that she heard footsteps up there at 9 AM, then he needs a new defense.

Oh, and if it was really innocent then why would he run away, and why would she feel the need to cover for herself by taking pictures of him?

The guy had been sending her creepy messages about seeing her in the shower and talking about anal sex, even though he had never hooked up with her too. Just the shadiest dude imaginable.

But one thing I learned with Juicy Jasiel Correia is, Port-a-geez people assume that other Port-a-geez people are incapable of committing crimes. It doesn’t matter how much evidence is out there against a person, if they’re Port-a-geez then by definition they dindu nuffin. Check out all this victim blaming .

 

  

Medeiros, Ramalho, Gouveia, Silva. Gee whiz, I wonder who those guys root for in the World Cup?

Other women commented that he’d done the same to them too.

Almost as if it’s a pattern.

The Portuguese Kids have released a statement on Facebook announcing that he’s on leave for a while until he can prove his innocence in court.

“We are 100% confident the truth will come out.”

Translation – we think she’s lying and have Fap Albert’s back.

Except she’s got messages, video, pictures, other women with similar stories, and witnesses, and he’s got a story about an imaginary common area. She’s also a well-respected mother who works for a law firm, so good luck in court fuckhead.

 

 

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36 Comment(s)
  • Damn portigeez
    February 11, 2020 at 12:25 am

    You know why he took the Monsterthrobber XXXL (MSRP $120), don’t you?
    He was hoping to get a whiff of the quimstinky residue while he strips the casing off of his chorizo.

  • Thing about these portageez...
    February 11, 2020 at 12:15 am

    You know they make up half of a Cabo Verde, right?
    The other half is from the dark continent, saggy tits in a mud hut crowd you see in National Geographic.
    You start with poor ingredients, you get an even poorer result.
    I think this half is what produces most of the limited intellect in that mix.
    It really comes out when they drink. They both get angry and stupid when drunk.
    Come to think of it, the Dark Continentals share this trait as well. Just more “animated”.
    It’s all a fucking anthropological train wreck, really.

  • Creepersgonnacreep
    February 10, 2020 at 11:45 pm

    #metoo

    #unlessaporkacheesedudedidit

  • Wiggy
    February 9, 2020 at 7:57 am

    Not to defend this guy but why are the police showing this guys SSN on the police report to the public?

  • Captain Trips
    February 8, 2020 at 9:22 am

    He’s single ladies! Looking for a man to worship you? Look no further!

    Just be aware he will eventually smother you to death with your pillow because you didn’t spend a full 23.5 hours a day paying attention to him.

  • WeRFucked
    February 8, 2020 at 7:59 am

    First off Albert… if you are planting a camera in the woman’s house… you leave the vibrator. There is nothing hotter than a woman pleasuring herself. Nothing.

    What a fucking stupid idiot. And it sounds like his people got his back. “He wouldn’t do this” – HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? From his goofy videos? Not once did O.J. Simpson kill anyone before… it’s so out of character. Michael Jackson never had sex with a child before… it’s so out of character. IDIOTS… ALL OF YOU. There is no money involved for what happened to this woman. She’s not accusing him of B&E for the payout of a missing $120 personal item. He never spoke to the police? A policeman calls you, leaves a message, and you immediately call a lawyer? Because you were dropping her belongings off at her house? NOTHING FISHY THERE.

    I hope that very single video this pervert has on YouTube has a link in the comments to this story.

  • Casual Observation
    February 8, 2020 at 3:33 am

    The police report says the officer recommended that she buys pepper spray. Did the law change again because last I remember Massachusetts doesn’t want you to be able to defend yourself and made pepper spray illegal. Harbor Freight in NH sells it, but not in MA

    • Cabellas
      February 8, 2020 at 8:51 am

      Actually they made it so you no longer need an FID card making it easier for people to get. Cabellas sells it as “bear spray” but also has several smaller sized canisters, like key chain sized. All women should carry something to protect against these psychos!

  • Silencio Dogood
    February 8, 2020 at 12:51 am

    what’s in the bag? a new comedy routine on grainy video. i’m sure our boy has used a dildo before.

  • George Zimmerman
    February 7, 2020 at 11:51 pm

    Is this guy considered a white LatinX

  • Judge dread
    February 7, 2020 at 10:44 pm

    Down vote mafia has arrived.

  • Greenhorn
    February 7, 2020 at 10:02 pm

    New Beige more better then Fall Reeve.

    • John Galt
      February 9, 2020 at 5:19 am

      That’s perfect ! Thought I was in East Cambridge in the 80’s for a second.

      (The “dead on” comment was meant for this post)

  • I know this guy
    February 7, 2020 at 9:48 pm

    He’s a serial flasher. Loves to try and be nude in public but without getting caught

    • John Galt
      February 9, 2020 at 5:08 am

      Hahaha….dead on, man

  • juror seven esq.
    February 7, 2020 at 7:11 pm

    Did anyone else notice on the police report that TB left the guy’s social security number in plain view? TB went to some effort to remove from view any mention of the victim’s name. One is understandable while the other is questionable.

  • Fall Rivs
    February 7, 2020 at 7:00 pm

    There’s only two things I hate in this world: intolerance…
    and the Portuguese…

  • Spic Tormentor
    February 7, 2020 at 5:36 pm

    I would rather watch the video of Didi shitting out her bastard child before I would watch a minute of the burrito boys or whatever these spic faggots call themselves.

  • Dick Scratcher
    February 7, 2020 at 5:11 pm

    Limerick of the day 2

    There was a sex pest from the Azores
    Whose cock was all covered with sores
    The dogs in the street
    Wouldn’t touch the green meat
    That he showed, when he whipped off his drawers

    Dick Scratcher, aged 36 months in solitary

    • Dick Scratcher
      February 7, 2020 at 8:50 pm

      Firstly this guy is clearly a dangerous sociopath.

      Secondly, fuck the cunts defending him.

      Thirdly, fuck the cunts down-voting my epic poetry!

      • Lipstick Hippie
        February 7, 2020 at 10:55 pm

        DS, screw those losers…your poetry is The Balls.

        • Dick Scratcher
          February 8, 2020 at 6:38 am

          Cheers LH.
          I appreciate your kind words.

  • F*U
    February 7, 2020 at 4:58 pm

    Bleached higgers that could swim out of Africa. No more no less.

  • Elizabeth Warren - D
    February 7, 2020 at 4:33 pm

    As someone who has Portuguese in my blood I can tell you he is completely innocent

    • Stinky the Finger
      February 7, 2020 at 6:28 pm

      He was just starting to turn his life around…he was taking classes at Durfee and was an aspiring fisherman.

    • adam cocksucker schiff
      February 7, 2020 at 8:41 pm

      you have no portogee blood but I heard you’ve had a little jew in you. titless skank

  • Straight to comments
    February 7, 2020 at 4:27 pm

    Am I the only one that goes straight to comments now?

    • Ashley's Beach Body Fai
      February 7, 2020 at 6:41 pm

      Yeah, guess you have to know how to read to enjoy the articles. I’ve wondered how many of the commenters were self-absorbed, dumb downed millenials posing as racists or hardos to get a reaction. Obvious that there are a lot of you. Sad.

      • Giulia
        February 7, 2020 at 7:44 pm

        What’d you come here for then Yolanda? You could be on the GoFundMeez instead, helping out some poor tragic teen tranny that desperately needs a pair of plastic tits. He\She\It would really appreciate you. I don’t.

  • Porch monkey
    February 7, 2020 at 4:09 pm

    Porch Monkey breaks into a house to steal a dildo…good job creep *slow clap*

  • MrSmiley
    February 7, 2020 at 4:08 pm

    Punchable face. Maybe someone on the PC block will oblige in county. What the hell happened to people just accepting incompatibility?! Shit just isn’t clicking move the fuck on freak!

  • Dick LaBone
    February 7, 2020 at 3:58 pm

    Was it a flesh colored multi speed vibrator? Best selling sex toy of all time…

    • don
      February 7, 2020 at 5:35 pm

      assblaster 2000

  • TortugaNiño
    February 7, 2020 at 3:52 pm

    Wait, these guys make money… off that? Jesus H Christ i shoulda told pops to stfu and kept playing video games.

  • David Strycharz-ha
    February 7, 2020 at 3:37 pm

    WOWZERZ!!! That guy is nuts

  • Corinth Arkadin
    February 7, 2020 at 3:29 pm

    Honestly, I have NO IDEA what the fuck is goin’ on here.

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