All-Star Criminals

Foxboro Fungal Biscuits Attack Quincy Cop At Chinese Restaurant After He Asked One Of Them To Stop Motorboating 50 Year Old Woman With Dreadlocks


These are siblings James and Kelsie Morahan of Foxborough:

And this is their friend Mike Farrell, also of Foxborough:

Over the weekend they all decided to head to Cathay Pacific in Quincy, which usually leads to copious amounts of scorpion bowls and bad decisions. And although I like to let loose after sipping on Saigon juice, I can’t say I’ve ever done what they did that night, according to the Quincy Police reports:

And from other cops responding:

Just to review:

  • Farrell is motorboating 50 year old blonde chick with dreadlocks who is loving every minute of it
  • Cop comes over and asks him to stop motorboating
  • Motorboat McGee is way too in the zone and has to be tapped on the shoulder and asked to cut the shit
  • Menopause Mary has her gerber servers fully exposed and is asked to pull down her blouse
  • Cop asks Motorboat McGee why he’s helping himself to a lactation lunch in public like that, Motorboat McGee tells him it’s because he’s waiting for his friends and believes this is a perfectly normal answer
  • At this point James Morahan repeatedly yells “hey asshole” several times, before lunging at the cop and punching him several times for no reason
  • Cop is in serious trouble, repeatedly being punched before backup arrives, and Morahan has to be pepper sprayed twice and then tased twice before finally submitting to arrest and being placed into a cop car
  • While this is going on Motorboat McGee and Camel Toe Kelsie were interfering with the arrest before going outside to shout obscenities at law abiding customers, possibly for not being as ratchet as them
  • Camel Toe Kelsie yelled “fuck you I ain’t going nowhere” when asked to stop interfering with the arrest of her brother
  • Motorboat McGee attempted to interfere with Camel Toe Kelcie’s arrest by telling the police “fuck you, don’t touch her,” followed by “don’t fucking touch me,” followed by him trying unsuccessfully to climb a wall like Spiderman in order to resist arrest

When your Halloween costumer ends up becoming real life….

These aren’t your run of the mill ratchets either. They all seem to come from good homes in a wealthy community, proving that anyone, regardless of their upbringing, has the potential to make it onto Turtleboy. None of them have Google trophies, and they all appear to be college graduates with good jobs. At least they did until we found this arrest report.

Camel Toe Kelsie graduated from UNH where she played field hockey.

According to her LinkedIn she works as a pricing analyst for Martignetti Companies

Which is actually the perfect fit for her since they appear to be a wine distribution company. Just make sure she’s accompanied when she’s in warehouse!

Oh well, if that job doesn’t work out there’s always the Instagram model route. Just keep working on the duckface and topless Tuesday poses.

And if that fails just get knocked up by a professional athlete.

Her brother seems to have no social media presence at all, nor can I find where he works, leading me to believe that he is the loser of the group who they reluctantly keep around for old times sake.

Motorboat McGee is a ZooMass grad who works for Homesite Insurance as an accountant supervisor.

I could’ve given him a pass on the motorboating. If a horny blonde chick with dreads asks me to go to town on her mud flaps, and it’s 1:30 AM and I’ve been drinking roofy flavored mai tais all night, there’s a good chance I’m motorboating her. And I don’t even swim in the lady’s pond. It’s just not an opportunity you can realistically pass up.

But I can’t give him a pass for interfering with the arrest of his maniac friend or the harassment of police officers and other customers. All three of them earned their Turtleboy infamy.


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30 Comment(s)
  • Cathay Pathetic, you numbah 10
    May 2, 2019 at 11:55 pm

    Cathay Pathetic is the new “last chance corral”. That title was previously held by another chinese food place in Quincy that has since gone out of biz and the building demolished. It was Golden something, I think.
    I feel bad for Officer Yee (and I hope he’s ok) but not for the establishment itself.
    They ramp up the late night prices with a very limited selection of meals which sucks for some of us who work the night shift and want to set up a dinner for the crew.
    Might go to into Chinatown for the next late night dinner, fuck Cathay Pathetic.

    On a side note, I’d like to see what the lactation donation station with a raincoat on looks like. Mature is good stuff.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    May 2, 2019 at 9:25 pm

    Not bad, not bad…..I have high standards but she is a missionary pull out and plaster the headboard over her head kinda hot

  • Captain Trips
    Mr. Slather
    May 2, 2019 at 9:11 pm

    Her face and my sperm just have to meet

    A slathering is in order

  • what goes around comes around
    May 2, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    My boyfriend fucked her back in the day and I’ve always been jealous of her looks and how easy she’s had it.. she partied at UNH prob graduated with a brainless degree and I’ve compared myself to her… Boy I am relishing in this. Being a drunken whore catches up to you. I do feel a little bad because clearly she was raised by a fool and received positive feedback for being shallow… but fuck that bitch

    • Kelsie’s hot sister and mike’s insta user
      May 3, 2019 at 4:43 pm

      If you guys are interested… kelsie has a beautiful older sister named Lauren who’s married… Her Instagram is Lauren_lewis995. And mike Farrell’s Instagram is mjfarrell4

  • Sailor
    May 2, 2019 at 3:38 pm

    I don’t blame the brother; he was probably thinking of Kelsie’s hot pics when he was motor boating the 50 year old mama. If Kelsie is game for an evening of motor boating at Cathay next weekend, I am buying her the scorpion bowls…

  • Ljs
    May 2, 2019 at 6:27 am

    Pull a ben Affleck, claim sex and alcohol addiction, tearfully apologize, admit how embarrassed you are by your actions, and head to Malibu for some rehab. Hide in shame for a good month while it blows over. Best advice you can get. And learn from this. Stop being over entitled little assholes. Looks fade, dumb is forever.

  • Won Hung Lo
    May 1, 2019 at 8:59 pm

    Seriously, what is it with the Irish and booze?

    • me
      May 1, 2019 at 11:26 pm

      nothing….im Irish and I don’t care about alcohol

  • whatevuh
    May 1, 2019 at 7:36 pm

    I remember the good ole days (like 10-15 yrs ago) you couldn’t find this many assholes in an entire town, now, they are everywhere ! Have fun at work tomorrow guys and girls when your boss and co-workers show you the article, and they are all like WTF ? LOL

  • Jersey
    May 1, 2019 at 4:42 pm

    Officer Yee is there every weekend night. The restaurant has to have him there. This isn’t the first time he’s taken a beaten. To bad too cause he actually is a really nice guy!

  • Karaoke Kris
    May 1, 2019 at 4:31 pm

    Welcome to the Cathey Pathetic. I can seriously believe this happened. Once karaoke went downhill I booked it out of there. There’s no good Chinese food or karaoke left in Quincy.

  • citypoint
    May 1, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    Cathay Pathetic.

  • george costanza
    That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow
    May 1, 2019 at 2:38 pm

    As a patron of Cathay let me first say that they pour HEAVY. So no doubt they were all banged up. Quincy PD has a detail there all the time and he was probably up for a detail so no biggie. This is why I’m not nor never could be a cop I would have fucking turned everyone’s head into a canoe in that lobby. I believe the report said a black female with blond hair fucking hysterical and yes I would the sister

  • Travis Rearick
    Boy who cried Turtle
    May 1, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    One thousand times would. Idc how much of a thot she is. She’s probably the hottest to ever be featured on turtleboy IMO

    • Queef
      May 1, 2019 at 5:21 pm

      No one gives a shit who you would or wouldn’t have sex with. Go comment that nonsense on a barstool blog with the rest of the chads you unoriginal douche

    • Stunt Penis
      May 2, 2019 at 7:11 am

      Taylor Leonard was way hotter, in terms of raw beauty. Probably the best looking to have ever appeared on TB.

      This chick reminds me of Maude in many of her pictures. Of course she’s still young and the years of hard boozing haven’t taken its toll on her body. Still a “pump and dump” party girl though IMO. If she wakes up and realizes what God gave her (good looks and great body) before its too late, she could definitely land herself a decent guy as a trophy wife.

      Everything is relative, naturally. Compared to the typical American (fat sloth) woman, this chick is a goddess.

  • Bill Clinton
    May 1, 2019 at 1:44 pm

    The bikini pics are definitely going in the spank bank

  • The Name Game
    May 1, 2019 at 1:34 pm

    “None of them have Google trophies”… up until now. Tarnishing that Moron, er, Morahan rep; way to go, kids. And Mike “not BJ Hunnicutt” Farrell looks to be on his way to that virtual Wall of Shame.

    The Turtle doesn’t discriminate!

  • Bantam Draper
    May 1, 2019 at 1:09 pm

    That brother and sister definitely bang each other

  • juror seven esq.
    May 1, 2019 at 1:02 pm

    Never mind the pictures of these dead end kids, I want to see the 50 year old. Nothing like tagging a babe at the mid century point. They put everything into it because they don’t know how many more they have left.

  • Just Another Sick Fuck
    May 1, 2019 at 12:40 pm

    Yeah, if she were my sister, I’d do her too.

  • 230 Montello mbta
    May 1, 2019 at 12:38 pm

    Cathay Pacific is the best in Quincy. I worked at the Applebees a stones throw away for 2 years. Both businesses are directly over the bridge from Dorchester so these type of ratchets are nothing new. I feel bad for the cops man, imagine this being part of your JOB? Every time he goes to work he risks his safety to keep strangers safe and this is how he’s thanked? I honestly feel so bad for cops…especialllyyyyy in North Quincy oy vey

  • z
    May 1, 2019 at 12:37 pm

    The PD sent officer Yee to this restaurant why?
    Because he talked their language and looked like them?

    Once there, he attempted to stop the motor-boating by giving them presents?
    Which they failed to acknowledge. Depends on what the gifts were.

    They threatened to Tase him. They should have driven him away, found a garden hose, wet him down and then Tased him.

    I was really hoping that Mike Farrell was the actor Mike Farrells son. But this guy is too young.

  • Bob
    May 1, 2019 at 12:36 pm

    So that’s what the police report says. I wonder what the video shows. Most likely two completely different things.

  • Stunt Penis
    May 1, 2019 at 12:29 pm

    Most definitely wood.

    May 1, 2019 at 12:24 pm

    “Work is the curse of the drinking classes. “

  • Gangbanger
    May 1, 2019 at 12:19 pm

    I know that girl lol she used to let dudes run trains on her in high school. she even got caught letting 4 black dudes gang bang her

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