Meet Joel Davila.

If you’re wondering to yourself “How in the hell did this young man end up handcuffed on a gas station floor, covered in blood, with blood dripping from his mouth and his eyebrows on fleek?” I’ll give you a hint – he wasn’t filming a bootleg version of “Interview With The Vampire”. This story is much better.

Via NECN:

“A Massachusetts man faced a judge Tuesday after police said he assaulted and bit a store clerk’s face late Monday night in Taunton.

Joel Davila, 19, of Taunton, was arraigned in Taunton District Court on charges of assault with intent to maim and mayhem. Not guilty pleas were entered on his behalf.

During his arraignment, Davila smiled at family members in the courtroom while prosecutors detailed what happened at the Sunoco on Broadway at about 11:30 p.m. Monday.

When officers had arrived to the scene, a 55-year-old male clerk was suffering with a serious gash below his left eye and was bleeding profusely.

The Taunton man was taken to a Boston area hospital for treatment with injuries that are serious but not believed to be life-threatening.

Police said officers located Davila sitting on the floor on his knees in an aisle of the store, covered in blood, and detained him.

According to court documents, one witness stated Davila, “sat down in the aisle next to the puddle of blood and started rubbing his fingers in it.” He allegedly said, “I don’t eat flesh, I just drink blood.” “

Well, now….at least he doesn’t eat flesh, right? That would be insane and totally uncivilized.

“While reviewing store surveillance, officers said they found that the clerk had tried to stop Davila from stealing a drink from a cooler. When the clerk put his arm across the cooler door to prevent Davila from opening it, Davila allegedly bit the inside of the clerk’s elbow and then bit the clerk’s face during a struggle.

One witness at the store called 911 and helped the clerk while another witness stopped Davila from leaving.”

Seems legit. Bootleg vampire Tim Curry eats the face off an elderly Sunoco clerk, goes full on Silence of the Lambs for the security camera and pulls it together to smile for his mug shot. Just another day in the suburban paradise that is Taunton, Massachusetts. And much like a schizophrenic, gender fluid, blood thirsty honey badger….he doesn’t care.

Not one fuck given.

I’ll come right out and say that whoever is in charge of Punky Chewster over here definitely should have been keeping tabs. Even Stevie Wonder could have seen this coming – this kid is clearly mentally ill.

And is also a proponent of snacking on people.

I mean, really. Make him take his meds and stay in after 9pm. He is obviously unwell, please don’t take his word for it.

Nope. You’re definitely crazy. Take your meds and have a Snickers.

But forget the blood drinking, petty shoplifting, heavy makeup and five-o’clock shadow wearing for just a minute, and please, just watch this:

Holy shit. I wish that Punky Chewster, Failure Swift and the Stoneham Spunk Guzzler’s effeminate boyfriend would get together and start a band already – that would literally make my month. How has this not happened before? Seriously, look at this guy.

Glorious.

In all seriousness, I do hope this kid gets the help that he needs, so that he no longer bites chunks out of gas station clerks like a rabid Divine. But even more so, I hope he hits me up so I can make this super band thing happen. Get well,  Punky. The world needs this collaboration to happen.