All-Star Criminals

Gender Blending Punky Chewster Bites Store Clerk After Attempting To Steal A Drink, Steals My Heart With His Glorious “American Idol” Outtake Style Videos

Meet Joel Davila.

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If you’re wondering to yourself “How in the hell did this young man end up handcuffed on a gas station floor, covered in blood, with blood dripping from his mouth and his eyebrows on fleek?” I’ll give you a hint – he wasn’t filming a bootleg version of “Interview With The Vampire”. This story is much better.

Via NECN:

“A Massachusetts man faced a judge Tuesday after police said he assaulted and bit a store clerk’s face late Monday night in Taunton.

Joel Davila, 19, of Taunton, was arraigned in Taunton District Court on charges of assault with intent to maim and mayhem. Not guilty pleas were entered on his behalf.

During his arraignment, Davila smiled at family members in the courtroom while prosecutors detailed what happened at the Sunoco on Broadway at about 11:30 p.m. Monday.

When officers had arrived to the scene, a 55-year-old male clerk was suffering with a serious gash below his left eye and was bleeding profusely.

The Taunton man was taken to a Boston area hospital for treatment with injuries that are serious but not believed to be life-threatening.

Police said officers located Davila sitting on the floor on his knees in an aisle of the store, covered in blood, and detained him.

According to court documents, one witness stated Davila, “sat down in the aisle next to the puddle of blood and started rubbing his fingers in it.” He allegedly said, “I don’t eat flesh, I just drink blood.” “

Well, now….at least he doesn’t eat flesh, right? That would be insane and totally uncivilized.

“While reviewing store surveillance, officers said they found that the clerk had tried to stop Davila from stealing a drink from a cooler. When the clerk put his arm across the cooler door to prevent Davila from opening it, Davila allegedly bit the inside of the clerk’s elbow and then bit the clerk’s face during a struggle.

One witness at the store called 911 and helped the clerk while another witness stopped Davila from leaving.”

Seems legit. Bootleg vampire Tim Curry eats the face off an elderly Sunoco clerk, goes full on Silence of the Lambs for the security camera and pulls it together to smile for his mug shot. Just another day in the suburban paradise that is Taunton, Massachusetts. And much like a schizophrenic, gender fluid, blood thirsty honey badger….he doesn’t care.

Not one fuck given.

I’ll come right out and say that whoever is in charge of Punky Chewster over here definitely should have been keeping tabs. Even Stevie Wonder could have seen this coming – this kid is clearly mentally ill.

And is also a proponent of snacking on people.

I mean, really. Make him take his meds and stay in after 9pm. He is obviously unwell, please don’t take his word for it.

Nope. You’re definitely crazy. Take your meds and have a Snickers.

But forget the blood drinking, petty shoplifting, heavy makeup and five-o’clock shadow wearing for just a minute, and please, just watch this:

 

Holy shit. I wish that Punky Chewster, Failure Swift and the Stoneham Spunk Guzzler’s effeminate boyfriend would get together and start a band already – that would literally make my month. How has this not happened before? Seriously, look at this guy.

 

Glorious.

 

In all seriousness, I do hope this kid gets the help that he needs, so that he no longer bites chunks out of gas station clerks like a rabid Divine. But even more so, I hope he hits me up so I can make this super band thing happen. Get well,  Punky. The world needs this collaboration to happen.

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28 Comment(s)
  • Angry Canadian
    May 2, 2019 at 1:46 pm

    May I comment?

  • Tiff
    May 1, 2019 at 2:14 pm

    Dude not funny or cute at all. Mental health care I. this country is a disgrace and a serious problem to the general public and you’re making light of it. Smh this is a disgusting read.

    • Dick Scratcher
      May 2, 2019 at 12:40 pm

      Tell you what.

      If you don’t like the article you could just fuck off.

  • Don Key Punch
    May 1, 2019 at 12:41 pm

    [email protected] range – Save the taxpayers a huge chunk of change in what this thing becomes in the future.

  • Batman
    May 1, 2019 at 10:24 am

    You guys gotta start copyrighting your nicknames. Was listening to my morning radio show and they detailed this story, called him punky chewster. Grade a nickname Bristol. Keep up the great naming work.

  • Big Wick
    May 1, 2019 at 10:01 am

    “Even Stevie Wonder could have seen this coming.”

    Thumbs up, Bristol!

  • Dick Scratcher
    May 1, 2019 at 8:20 am

    People who class themselves as “different” in some way are allowed to get away with shit that normal people wouldn’t. Yes, transsexuals used to be oppressed, but now they use this former oppression as an excuse for cuntish behaviour that “normal” people wouldn’t be able to get away with.

    This is you classic aggressive behaviour from a “gayer than a hay-ride” ratchet.

    What a cunt.

  • Whinycunt
    May 1, 2019 at 7:58 am

    Quite the tuck job there. I did not need to see that.

  • Hart Ford
    May 1, 2019 at 7:14 am

    His mother said he was special

  • Hang’em high
    May 1, 2019 at 6:41 am

    I wonder if he will pull a Hernandez and be swinging in his cell tomorrow.

  • Stop The Madness
    May 1, 2019 at 6:27 am

    You hope he gets the help he needs ??? WTF I hooe he dies now. Not someday but right now. He will never get better. His parents suck just as much for letting this scourge loose on society.

  • Siskel
    May 1, 2019 at 6:16 am

    Needs a beating, how the fuck does the rest of the family allow this shitstain to roam free? And of course the legal system will let him off to go eat someone else. Need a vigilante to step up and whack these fuckers

    • SanenotInsane
      May 2, 2019 at 12:26 am

      His parents are dead and he’s hooked on that shit. Calm down killer!

  • ***New Label Alert!!!***
    May 1, 2019 at 5:07 am

    Time to add another initial to the LGBTQRSTTTUVAARPSUCKYFUCKYFREAKSHOW label.
    “Tc” for Transconsumptionist. This will cover the vampiricly oriented as well as the canniballistically inclined. There, now you have your very own designation, whether your alternative human craving is sanguine or tissue-centric.
    The omnivorous normie community has been hereby notified.
    Expect to see this in the DSM-VI.

  • pjcasale
    May 1, 2019 at 1:27 am

    People like this need to be eliminated once & for all.

  • What in the fucked up sixth realm is that?!?
    May 1, 2019 at 1:19 am

    If there was ever a picture for reasons to swallow.

  • Reactionary
    May 1, 2019 at 1:10 am

    Just remember you’d be fired/jailed for objecting to this guy sharing a locker room/bathroom with your female loved ones.

  • ya its me
    May 1, 2019 at 12:14 am

    That last video, with him in the white pantsuit, could be a trailer for silence of the lambs part 2

  • blackie o'connell
    April 30, 2019 at 10:46 pm

    Mentally ill fuck – so done with shit like this

  • CrispyC
    April 30, 2019 at 10:45 pm

    Fucking. Hate. Trannies.

  • Porque??
    April 30, 2019 at 10:35 pm

    Why the fuck can’t I comment on any blogs!!!!

    • Fuckface O'Reilly
      May 1, 2019 at 12:16 pm

      because you’re a fucking moron like Tammy the Trollop

  • Kosh Naranek
    April 30, 2019 at 10:33 pm

    Is cannibalism illegal in the Commonwealth, or is it “An evolving paradigm”?

  • True justice
    April 30, 2019 at 10:28 pm

    Lock him up in the nervous hospital

  • god
    April 30, 2019 at 10:20 pm

    Transgender = Mental Illness

  • Shutupmoron
    April 30, 2019 at 9:52 pm

    Why cant I just find a sweet looking “guy” like this, that doesn’t drink blood???

  • Milf Assessor
    April 30, 2019 at 9:51 pm

    I’m sick of it

    Just put down this price of shit

    Time for a purge. All ratchets, freaks and criminals

    MAGA

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