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Gravy Dumpster Tries Robbing Lancaster Gas Station With Knife, Gets Beat Up With Clipboard And Stool By Gangster Clerk Who Was Not Fucking Around

Gravy Dumpster Tries Robbing Lancaster Gas Station With Knife, Gets Beat Up With Clipboard And Stool By Gangster Clerk Who Was Not Fucking Around

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Yesterday in the little town of Lancaster some genius decided he was going to rob a convenience store with a knife. Unfortunately for him the clerk behind the register caught him off guard because he had something much more threatening than a knife – a clipboard. Oh, and a stool. And of course the robbery did not go nearly as planned. This video is amazing:

Glorious. That clerk is the real MVP. You call that a KNNNNOOIIIFFFF? This is a KNNNOOIIIFFFF!!

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Well, not really. It’s a clipboard and the stool I bury farts into all day. But it’s a junkie swatting machine if used properly.

The beauty of Facebook is that you can actually tag the bad guys right int the Lancaster Police’s Facebook page, and they figure out who you are pretty quickly.

And the winner of the day is……..

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Jake Merrill from Clinton!!

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A career loser who can’t seem to get his life together. His Google slate seems pretty clean, so this is likely how he will pop his courthouse cherry. We did find this GoFundMe that he started for his mother on January 22:

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I’m not saying his mother doesn’t have cancer. But clearly this idiot is a junkie, and if I had a dime for every time a junkie made a fake GoFundMe about a loved one in order to fuel their habits, I’d be living in Acton and next door neighbors with Jamie Eldridge by now. Plus, look how much money has been raised:

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Yea, if you can’t raise ANY money with a sob story like that, it usually means that your story is bullshit. But like I said, we don’t know for sure. Just pointing out the fact that this would be the first time I’ve ever seen a cancer GoFundMe for someone’s mother, started by a junkie and failed convenience store robber, raise exactly zero dollars.
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17 Comment(s)
  • R
    February 27, 2017 at 6:59 pm

    Piss-your-pants laughing at this pathetic jizz fleck. Great job Turtleboy!

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    February 21, 2017 at 12:54 am

    Caref5with that Crocodile Dundee reference. It’s an antique.

  • whatevuh
    WHATEVUH
    February 20, 2017 at 6:00 pm

    The clerk should have kicked him in his vagina, THEN hit him with the stool !

  • Joseph Schmo
    February 20, 2017 at 4:53 pm

    Just another wasted load…

    • BobnMic
      February 20, 2017 at 5:45 pm

      That’s what my parents said too.

  • Crystal
    February 20, 2017 at 4:39 pm

    Hahaha so sad and to say I know them is even sadder haha

  • Turd Burglestein
    February 20, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    Hitting someone with a “stool” is alright in my book. Too bad he didn’t score a direct hit to this slug’s cranium.

    • BobnMic
      February 20, 2017 at 4:15 pm

      Yeah, I could believe that Turd has an affinity for stool.

      • Turd Burglestein
        February 20, 2017 at 4:57 pm

        STFU Bobbie and go watch this video and obsess over this shit for a minute. Add it to your investigation dossiers you have on my interplanetary drug smuggling ring. Leave us the fuck alone for a while.

        https://youtu.be/kBdcqGUAcag

        • ZephyrCat
          February 20, 2017 at 5:50 pm

          Gawd, what a loser. Is this all you do all day is video your mansion? Why don’t you show us your lair where you keep girls & boys locked up, weirdo. Did you get the lotion from the basket yet?

          • BobnMic
            February 20, 2017 at 8:46 pm

            I think Teflon Tredge Scarface the Poison Pusher got shit on a lot when he was a kid. Hence the current after effect.

          • ZephyrCat
            February 20, 2017 at 8:55 pm

            Stop talking to yourself, psycho!

      • BobnMic
        February 21, 2017 at 1:22 am

        Ya ok Frosty. You’re way too obvious.

  • Turd Burglestein
    February 20, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    Doh!!!!!

  • Turd Burglestein
    February 20, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    Firsties !!!
    I’m official firsties king!

    • BobnMic
      February 20, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      Hahahaha!!! No! No, your not! I….I am the king of the stitpile. Oh no, the cool, cool cat did it again!

  • ZephyrCat
    February 20, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!

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