All-Star Criminals

Ham Slam Bigelow Picks Up And Assaults Preschool Kid For Stealing His Father’s Day Card, Demands Kid Be Arrested, Ends Up Getting Arrested Instead

Ham Slam Bigelow Picks Up And Assaults Preschool Kid For Stealing His Father’s Day Card, Demands Kid Be Arrested, Ends Up Getting Arrested Instead

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Assaulting children is never funny. But this is pretty close:

Holy shit, it’s the Amish Bam Bam Bigelow!!

You think that little kid is ever gonna steal anyone’s property again? Doubtful.

But yea, that must’ve been one of the most awkward situations of all time. Little kid steals the guy’s father’s day card and starts running around with it. Lush Limbaugh gives chase. Other parents and teachers assume it’s all in good, clean, playful fun, since the kid is in preschool and he weighs 270 pounds. Dad picks child up over head. Others still assume it’s all in good fun, but start to get weirded out. Kungfu Carey then pins him to the ground and starts screaming to him about respect. Things get really awkward and finally daycare provider realizes he has lost his marbles and pulls him off.

Now let’s just assume for a minute that this was a temporary lapse in judgement and he got carried away. It would still make him a huge asshole, but at least he could use the “I snapped” defense.

Not this nudnik though. He has time to collect himself and think about what he just did for five minutes while they await the arrival of the cops. And what does he do when they get there? He demands that the child be arrested for stealing his property. Ya got that? A three year old should be arrested for taking his father’s day card for a brief joyride to the sleeping mat area. Can’t make this stuff up.

My question is, what was it like when his wife bailed him out of jail? Because this guy seems to be happily married with two kids and lives in an expensive part of Connecticut. By all signs they’re living a perfectly normal life. How do you explain that one to your wife? I have a tough time coming up with an answer when Mrs. Turtleboy asks me why the toilet seat is up. But yea, picking up someone else’s child, pinning him to the ground, screaming at him, and then demanding he be arrested – I’d be in the doghouse for at least a fortnight. This guy is fucked in more ways than one.



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10 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    June 24, 2017 at 5:00 pm

    Arrest a toddler…


    Nope. I’m out. Can’t even process this one. I haven’t had nearly enough caffeine yet.

    • Sterling Turtle Rider
      June 25, 2017 at 2:08 am

      No kidding… if toddlers got arrested every time they did something like this, then the jails would REALLY be overflowing in this country!
      What a rube this guy is.

  • ISIS Recruit?
    June 23, 2017 at 7:35 pm

    Is this guy planning on joining ISIS, what with the giant beard?

    That last shot (the bromance shot – with his “petite” friend), he looks a little like Bryan Cranston.

  • Mom's Basement
    June 22, 2017 at 9:51 pm

    Those kids are lucky that nobody made fun of Lance for having a super gay name

  • Mom's Basement
    June 22, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    Finding a pic of him with a shirt that reads “chill” was a clever touch

  • Hanginpossum
    June 22, 2017 at 8:45 pm

    If he was able to recover the card now he has to discretely throw it away before glitter and dried macaroni gets all over the junk drawer.

  • Inspector Gadget
    June 22, 2017 at 6:16 pm

    Is the top of his head tattooed? Is that magic marker or sharpie pen on his head?

    Can he bring his flame shirt to court or prison? Is that smaller man next to him in love, they both have the look of love in their eyes. Are they potheads?

    Why must the writer mock Ham that delicious food, why are the Amish being mocked.

    The detective’s name is Richard Bango? Too many coincidences in this article.

  • FatFingr Lou
    June 22, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    Maybe it was all staged like Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry Lawler?

    Maybe Lance’s head works like a dog’s shake-can?

  • The Executioner
    June 22, 2017 at 4:14 pm

    These things happen when you spend all day popping steroids and watching WWF all day. He shoulda switched the channel to COPS and reminded himself where he was heading. Maybe that was why he wanted the little kid to get arrested? Bad boi bad boi, what you gonna do when they come for you?

  • Fucked up world
    June 22, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    Jesus H Christ what is this world coming to? I can only hope the inmates kick the living shit out of this massive piece of shit.
    That poor 5 yr old. Hope he’s OK

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