All-Star Criminals

Haverhill Ham Heralder Whips Gravy Spigot Out On The Commuter Rail, Hoses Down The Train At North Station With 40 People On Board

Follow and Subscribe to Turtleboy podcasts on SoundCloud or iTunes by clicking here

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Returns, and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information.

If you like free speech and want to support what we’re doing, feel free to donate to the Turtle fund:








Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


The commuter rail: it’s hardly ever on time, the trains spontaneously combust, and every now and again you have to deal with poonstachioed spunknuggets like this:

via TPD News: On December 3, 2018 at approximately 1:55PM Transit Police officers assigned to the Central District received a radio call to respond to the MBTA’s North Station Commuter Rail Track 8 for a male exposing himself. Upon arrival officers were met by victims who relayed the following: A male, later identified as Keith Comeau, 38, of Haverhill was traveling on an inbound Haverhill Line commuter rail train. Inexplicably Comeau stood at the head of the car lower his pants and underpants, fully exposing his genitals, and began to urinate on the train car floor. This was done in view of approximately 30-40 patrons also on board the train. Keolis personnel pointed out Comeau to TPD officers who quickly placed Comeau into custody inside North Station for Open & Gross Lewdness. Comeau was transported to TPD HQ for the arrest booking process.
Oops! Looks like someone forgot to throw on his pull-ups today.
Look, I get it. The T and Keolis both suck in the timeliness and reliability departments. There’s signal issues, people getting mowed into track pizza every other day… but when you’re a 38-year-old dude, your prostate should still be pretty healthy. You shouldn’t need to be whipping your gravy spigot out on the 12 o’clock train to North Station to hose the floors down. This isn’t the friggin green line, have some decency. But, the fact that he dropped trow AND peeled his crusty manties off his ass to tinkle instead of just poppin’ the old turtlehead out of the zipper leads me to believe this wasn’t a case of forgetting to tap a kidney before he left the house.
Plus, look at this mug
Image may contain: 1 person
That’s a shitter selfie if I’ve ever seen one.
Chinstrap McGee is clearly an exhibitionist. He wanted to shop the spam javelin around to the 30-40 unsuspecting poor souls trapped on that tin can with him and see who’d bite.
Image may contain: 1 person
pew pew!
His face screams “Google Trophies” – and NSTB was not disappointed with the Google machine today:
Warrants for disorderly conduct, A&B on a cop, 4 counts of threatening to commit a crime, and resisting arrest. Looks like a church-going boy if I ever saw one.
Sweet velveteen shirt, ya schmuck.
Our hero! My favorite pastime is definitely riding suburban public transportation and threatening to cut bitches who I think are disrespecting the ladies. Keeps life spicy.
And if this isn’t the face and wardrobe of lifetime public transit ridership, I dunno what is:
Image may contain: 1 person, standing
Image may contain: 1 person, outdoor
Image may contain: 1 person
I’d love to know his reasoning for digging the mutton machete out, though. I’m genuinely curious. Hopefully he’s out of the clink in time for live next Saturday, we’d love to have him on the live show to explain his side of things.
11 Comment(s)
  • Wang Dang
    January 2, 2019 at 6:00 pm

    First trip to see the turtleboy in action; think I’ll grab a beer and set a spell.

  • Crispy C
    December 5, 2018 at 10:13 pm

    Is this dude rocking a UNLV Runnin Rebels hat? Really?!

  • Ethan from North Lawrence (aka Haverhill)
    December 5, 2018 at 7:31 pm

    I find this hilariously funny. Ive seen some crazy shit on the mbta, usually late at night but taking a piss in broad daylight in a train is fucking awesome. I can’t blame him in a way. Commuter rail trains should have a pissery in each car, just pass the cost on to the riders. Hopefully he pissed all over a bunch of seats too. His background is stellar too, I have a feeling this won’t he his only blog on tbs!

  • Keef Cummo
    December 4, 2018 at 1:06 pm

    I had my reasons… I had just found out that my d00d was denied parole… Call it temporary insanity or something… but I was drunk AF… and missing his sweet pumping action… I just was figuring in my compromised mental state that I’d relieve myself and as a bonus get a bit of inside time with my strapping stallion. Turns out the jokes on me… he did get paroled and now I’m heading in as he’s coming out… FML

  • bill fleming
    December 4, 2018 at 12:52 pm

    Your Honor my client made an honest mistake he thought he riding the Red Line where this is considered acceptable behavior according to the new District Attorney.

  • Betty Humphsalott
    December 4, 2018 at 11:04 am

    Somewhere Willy Wonka is missing one of the shirts out of his closet. God awful place, Haverhill. To the people around there who refer to Bradford like it’s the Chestnut Hill of the North Shore, knock it off. A pig wearing a silk hat…

    • Haverhill Weenie Shower
      December 4, 2018 at 11:13 am

      Haverhill’s the Merrimack Valley, not the North Shore.

      Ya dumb broad.

  • Dbag
    December 4, 2018 at 11:03 am

    I hope he has to register as a sex offender now.

  • The Mayor of Bradford
    December 4, 2018 at 9:54 am

    I’ve always wondered who’s traveling inbound on the commuter rail during the early afternoon on a weekday. Well, it turns out it’s gentlemen from the Acre who have incontinence issues. Good to know.

    Yesterday evening, some aspiring astrophysicist performed an experiment at a railroad crossing in Lawrence to see what would happen when mass with velocity (commuter rail train) encounters stationary mass (car). The experiment proved conclusively that the overall state of public transportation in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts leaves much to be desired.

  • Al Borland
    December 4, 2018 at 9:44 am

    Look at his picture with the nail gun, he is spotlessly clean! what contractor looks like that? Ive never seen one. He is a first class CHODE!

  • Liberal Insanity
    December 4, 2018 at 9:27 am

    This gay exhibitionist was merely on a fisining expedition in search of other gay passengers said a Newton judge. What he did was a love crime and we all need love. Charges dismissed ssid the libersl Newton judge.

Comment on this Post


White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?