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A lot of people have been asking us if we have an official Turtleboy ticket for this election. The answer is yes. We’re gonna start with the ballot questions because they’re the most important. Initiatives and referendums give us the ability to create and write our own lies, which basically force the State Legislature to enact them because they work for us. Here’s who and what we urge you to vote for if you have not voted already:
Question 1 – Allow another slot parlor to be built?
No. We’re all for gambling. Definitely pro-gambling and pro freedom. But this is just dumb and unnecessary. We’re already building casinos. Plus, the knee jerk reaction to build things like this because we think it’s gonna magically fix everything is just dumb. Most importantly slot parlors are trashy. Casinos are great because they offer games of skill (like poker) and better odds (like craps), and thus they attract a better crowd. Slots are the sucker bet and only the dumbest people play them because touching a button over and over again in the hopes that you’ll hit it big is something that is basically a magnet for Websterites to flood your town. Websterites should stay in Webster and Putnam CT.
Question 2 – Get rid of the cap on charter schools?
No. This is the most important ballot question we will vote on tomorrow. It’s gotta be no. It’s just way too important. Our schools are governed by elected School Committees that have our kid’s best interests at heart. Charter schools are governed by unelected boards of special interest groups that use them to brainwash kids and make money. They pay themselves insane amounts of money with your tax dollars. Any “conservative” that votes for bigger government like this is not really a conservative. They just hate public school teachers and can’t admit it. Here’s some more reasons why it’s imperative to vote no on this:
Question 3: Should we prohibit the sale of eggs, veal, or pork of a farm animal confined in spaces that prevent the animal from lying down, standing up, extending its limbs, or turning around?
No. This ballot question is an argument between farmers. All I know is that the entire question revolves around ONE GUY from Wendell, MA who owns a farm. We will always side with the little guy in such situations. Plus, this is some hippie bullshit. If you eat meat then you don’t get to whine about how that meat got on your plate. You’re participating in the slaughter of animals, and you think you’re better than this random guy in Wendell because the farmer read the cow a bedtime story before he sent it to the killing floor. Definitely no on this one too.
Question 4 – Should we legalize marijuana for people 21 and over?
Yes. So torn on this one. We love freedom and weed and hate the nudniks opposing this one. It’s insane that marijuana is illegal in the first place, since it’s not nearly as much of a public health risk as alcohol, and no one has ever died from a weed overdose. Blaming weed for car accidents is a cop out too. Weed is illegal now and people are still doing it. Making it legal will have no effect on public safety. At the same time, we know how inefficient and corrupt our state government is, and we’re hesitant to support anything whose slogan is “tax and regulate.” Fuck that. We kind of like weed the way it is now – untaxed, unregulated, and readily available. The state will find a way to ruin this once great plant. We will reluctantly urge you to vote yes on this one, but when our predictions about high weed prices and insane weed taxes come to fruition, we’ll say we told you so.
You can’t vote for Hillary Clinton. She’s the devil. Donald Trump sucks too. Either way we lose. But at the end of the day it would make us feel so warm and fuzzy inside if the Amy Schumer, Katy Perry, LeBron James, Joy Behar, Lena Dunham, and every other awful human being out there cried themselves to sleep on Tuesday night because they got behind the most corrupt candidate in American history, rather than choosing Bernie Sanders – a man with no scandals or dirt in his past. That’s pretty much the only thing we find appealing about voting for Trump, which is why we’re voting for him. But we can hardly fault anyone who isn’t comfortable with voting for him. The man is a joke.
17th Worcester District State Representative
This is by far the most important race in this entire election. If an arrested and charged woman beater like Moses Dixon can get elected to office, then there is no hope for our society. It will just prove that our state is run by crooks and awful human beings, who believe that getting someone elected from their own political party is more important than protecting women from domestic violence. You simply must vote for Kate Campanale, and urge everyone else to do so.
Middlesex and Worcester State Senate seat
Jamie Eldridge is cancer. He is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with society. He is a known racist. He is en elitist. He support Moses “the woman beater” Dixon and was knocking on doors for him this weekend. He banned plastic water bottles because he thinks he’s Captain Planet. He voted against funding for police protection on the day that slain Auburn Police Officer Ron Tarentino’s wake was held. He is unmarried because no one could ever love him. The list goes on and on. The guy he is running against is named Ted Busiek, who might be the most outrageous politicians to ever run for office in this state. Ted has no shot at winning because his campaign is basically Donald Trump’s on steroids. We would vote for him simply for the same reasons we’d vote for Trump – because his opponent represents everything that is wrong with politics.
Second Worcester State Senate Seat
We don’t mind incumbent Michael Moore. There are much, much worse people serving in the State Senate, and he is far more moderate than the likes of Jamie Eldridge. But at the same time Mesfin Beshir is just such a great guy. Dude is such a fighter, and he’s gone to bat for us more times than he can count. He’s an Ethiopian immigrant who hates all the same people we do. And as a black man he’s been called every name in the book for supporting us (ya know, because we’re all in the KKK). His campaigning is not vey traditional, and his presence hasn’t really been felt. There’s no way he can win, but we’re still voting for him anyway because Mesfin Beshir is a good shit.
16th Worcester District State Representative
We hate the McGovern Crime Family, and their foot soldiers like incumbent Dan Donahue. They are useless and only vote as McGovern tells them to vote. That’s why it’s sad and pathetic that the only person the southeastern part of Worcester could come up with to challenge this 29 year old empty suit was disgraced politician John Fresolo. A man who had to resign from the Statehouse, but who has never shown the public the results of the investigation that forced him to resign. Now he wants back in three years later. The argument for this “independent” (who says he plans on becoming a democrat right after the election) is that he “brings home the bacon” and Donahue can’t. Ya know who else has been elected on such a platform? Sal Dimasi and Jim McGovern. How’d that work out? Once again, we can’t stand everything that Dan Donahue stands for, but at the end of the day it would just send such an awful message if someone like John Fresolo got back in. We would reluctantly suggest you vote for Donahue, but we can’t blame you if you don’t.
Worcester, Hampden, Hampshire, and Middlesex County State Senate Seat
Tough one. This is a really rural district, that takes up 28 towns from the NH to CT border. Anne Gobi was pretty useless to us when we needed her during the David Prouty scandals. She sided with management and was basically Corrupt Kevin Hayes layer of protection from the state. On the other hand she led the charge to keep the Brookfield Police barracks open, and is a pretty moderate democrat, which is a good thing because we need more leader like her and less like Jamie Eldridge. The guy she’s running against is James Erhard. He’s your standard conservative republican who wants less government and more gun rights. Seems like a decent guy, and a balance of the parties is always a good thing on Beacon Hill. But at the same time, it’s also good to have moderate democrats like Gobi. I dunno, this is a tough one. We’re still kind of pissed at Anne Gobi for the way she handled Prouty, but at the same time we don’t think Erhard would’ve done anything differently. You people out there in the middle of nowhere know what you need more than some city boy like Turtleboy, but we just don’t see a reason not to keep Anne Gobi in.
Fourth Worcester District State Representative
This a Leominster election. It features a young woman named Natalie Higgins (D) against an old guy named Thomas Ardinger (R). Ardinger is your standard Rep-con. But he’s also wicked old, uninspiring, and favors more charter schools. At the same time, Natalie Higgins is useless. She’s 100% in bed with the Mosaic Cultural Complex Crew, and is working with terrible racists like Jordan Berg Powers to get elected. We very unenthusiastically would suggest you vote for Ardinger.
Fifteenth Worcester District State Representative
Mary Keefe is the worst politician in the state not named Sonia Chang-Diaz or Jamie Eldridge. She supported Mosaic Cultural Complex and is good friends with race baiters like Joyce McNickles and Brenda Jenkins. The guy she’s running against is an unenrolled joke named Ralph Perez who has no shot at winning. Just write in Turtleboy for this one to see if we can get more votes than him. But this district is hopeless.
Twelfth Worcester District State Representative
Harold Naughton is the democrat, running against the Green Rainbow candidate named Charlene DiCalogero. You can’t vote for someone who aligns with a party called Green Rainbow. Just the name itself is a joke and seems to represent everything that is wrong with society today. Don’t know much about Harold Naughton, but we know that he has extensive military experience (joined after 9/11), and lists his number one issue as education. He’s also in favor of more funding for the police and seems like an all around good shit. We would definitely vote for him if we lived in Sterling, Northboro, Clinton, Berlin, Lancaster, or Boylston.
Seventh Worcester District State Representative
The incumbent is Republican Paul Frost, and he serves the towns of Auburn, Millbury, Oxford, and part of Charlton. He’s alright. But the woman he’s running against is such a bad ass. Her name is Terry Burke Dotson. She is a Millbury democrat who has worked as a teacher with students who have learning challenges. She’s served 33 years in the military. She wants to bring back the Glass-Steagal Act and thinks that democrats and republicans are both slaves to big banks (they are). Surprisingly as a democrat she lists her biggest issue and beef with Paul Frost as his support for transgender bathroom bill:
I and volunteers from the Referendum Petition gathered 33,000 signatures to put this law on the 2018 ballot for repeal. Transgender people aren’t a threat. But this law doesn’t prevent male sexual predators or perverts from saying “I feel like a woman today,” enter female restrooms, etc., and pose a threat to children and vulnerable females. Solution: a locking “one-at-a-time restroom” for use by a family, or a handicapped or transgender person.
This chick is the most interesting person we’ve seen around here in a while, and we would definitely vote for her. A common-sense democrat. What a breath of fresh air.
Tomorrow should be historically entertaining. Do the right thing and vote the Turtleboy Ticket.
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