All-Star Criminals

I Had To Explain To A Springfield Clerk Magistrate Why Woman Beating Dog Killer Crian Waters Was Eligible For Ratchet Madness And Had To Explain Who Made The Gaffney Memes


I had court with Rian Waters today in Springfield, and have a restraining order hearing tomorrow with Charlotte McFarland. Both of these perpetually unemployed lowlifes of course have nothing better to do than waste my time and the court’s time with their bullshit. It sucks I have to deal with it, but it is what it is. As much as I hate it, I don’t have to pay for a lawyer, and I genuinely enjoy destroying these people in court. The hearing with Crian Waters today came from him filing for a criminal complaint for witness intimidation and harassment, plus he kept complaining about perjury too.

I have no clue what he’s talking about and neither does he. I did a post-court recap on our YouTube channel, which you can subscribe to hereFeel free to listen or read the recap of my two hours with Crian Waters today.

  • The first thing I said when I saw him in the hallway and he attempted to be cordial like we were cool, was “Oh look, it’s the woman beating, dog killing piece of shit.” It felt so good because that’s exactly what Rian does – assaults women and murders dogs. This is a documented FACT, not an opinion. We have the necropsy report from the vet, we have images of Samantha Cardin’s battered face, we have the arrest report and documentation of the charges made against him. Nothing else matters. This maggot doesn’t get to walk around and pretend to be a respectable person because he figured out how to file a lawsuit. He is an animal and he deserves to be treated like one.


  • He and I were the only two people in court and the clerk magistrate had us go outside and exchange evidence. This is some of the stuff Rian submitted into evidence.

Yes, that’s right – he labeled his memes. This happened in real life. This is what your tax dollars are going towards.

Rian wasted countless hours of his useless life filing the first lawsuit, which was dismissed by the Judge who chose to call him out for being a woman beating dog killer in her finding. Now he’s trying this to harass me some more, and he’s so stupid that he believes it’s going somewhere. While exchanging evidence he said that he knew he’d probably lose this complaint but he’d just file again and it would go all the way to the Supreme Court. Yes, that’s right – the Supreme Court. Luckily Brett Kavanauh is BAE so I should be good when we get there.

  • Sitting next to Crian Waters outside the courtroom was miserable because he smelt like sweaty garbage festooning inside fupa rolls. I told him how bad he smelt and asked him when the last time he showered was. He told me it had been several days, which is probably the only true thing he said all day.

  • Upon going back into the court Crian told the magistrate that he needed five minutes outside to cool off because me telling him he smelt like shit was apparently traumatic.
  • Him and I were called to sit in front of this magistrate for almost two hours. I wish I could’ve taped it because it was insane.
  • He said that he had a high paying job lined up but had to quit before his first day because I caused him to have a disorder by saying that I was going to “murder him with words, but not really murder him” in a podcast with Bret. The podcast was played in court and it was HILARIOUS! He also said that he’s had lots of job offers since then, but he’s had to turn them all down because the trauma I have caused him has left him unable to work.

  • He said he had two witnesses (Gaffney and Sam Cardin), but he wouldn’t be calling them because he wants to protect them, and believes that I will try to hurt them with my blog if they did testify against me. This is obviously a lie since Sam Cardin is a friend of mine at this point, she despises the man who assaulted her and abandoned her child, and Gaffney has given up completely. I would never hurt Sam, but Rian has and would gladly do it again.

  • He said he had proof Sam framed him and stole $100,000 from him.
  • He came unprepared, mumbled on about things he was not familiar with, and said “stress makes it hard for me to explain what’s going on.”
  • He said that I falsely claimed that Gaffney was his boyfriend.
  • He was reprimanded by the magistrate when he lectured her about how I met “elements of perjury,” and she said, “Let me decide the elements sir.”
  • He said the black eye that Samantha had the night he assaulted her, “may or may not have come from me,” but claimed that she lied to the police about him killing the dog.

  • I presented into evidence emails from the veterinarian who did the necropsy on the dog, which clearly stated that in her professional opinion she believed that he killed the dog.

  • I told the magistrate that Bristol wrote at least one of the blogs about him, because as a victim of domestic violence she took his brutality personally, as did I.
  • At one point Rian began reading the preamble to the constitution, before the magistrate stopped him.
  • Rian claims that my First Amendment rights are overruled by his 9th Amendment rights. Rian has no idea what the 9th Amendment actually means.
  • He said that it was improper for me to criticize him on the blog, but said that I could criticize him if I was quoted in another media outlet, or started a new blog that wasn’t Turtleboy. The magistrate asked him if I could criticize him on CNN and he said yes because turtle riders don’t read CNN.
  • He said that the blog is biased, and magistrate asked him, “don’t you think there’s an element to that in all news.” He agreed but whined some more about feelings.
  • He was really, really mad about the memes, especially the ones of him and Gaffney. The magistrate asked if I made the memes and I informed her that they were made by turtle riders, but I put them in blogs.
  • He once was quoted as saying, “I made $5K a week playing poker, so I was….never mind,” and seemed to forget what he was going to say. This happened a bunch of times.

  • He said he felt extorted when I Facebook messaged him last July when I first got sued, because I interrupted his poker game, and he was making a “ton of money.”

  • He said he recently was playing the highest limit poker table at Mohegan and said he was playing with the pros there, even though he has no job and can’t afford an attorney.
  • When he said that he had “adjustment disorder” because of the harassing blogs about his behavior, I got to ask three questions: 1) Do you have documentation that show that you have this disorder? 2) Who was the doctor that diagnosed him and where were they located? 3) How did he pay for this since he’s unemployed? He said that the documentation was upstairs, asked the magistrate to get it, and was told no because he came unprepared. He said he couldn’t remember the name of the doctor, and said that he has Mass Health. In other words, we pay for this maggot’s healthcare.
  • Rian insisted I posted the memes, and the magistrate responded by asking, “How are you aware of the internal policies at Turtleboy?” He had no answer.
  • The magistrate asked him, “Are you asking me to assume that he made this meme of you in bed with Gaffney?”

  • He asked me “why was I chosen for ratchet madness?” I explained to the magistrate what a ratchet is and how ratchet madness works. I informed her that Rian won ratchet madness this year because turtle riders overwhelmingly voted for him to be the winner.

  • Rian wanted to know what specific behavior made him a ratchet, and objected to the fact that his ratchet behavior took place in 2017, and all the other contestant’s ratchet behavior occurred in 2018. He believes he should not have been eligible (this conversation took place in a court of law). I informed him that filing the lawsuit was ratchet in and of itself.
  • Rian lectured the magistrate about how the law works saying, “We’re getting deep into federal law here, but if you intend to create damages then you accept the consequences, and he didn’t file his annual filings and committed perjury.” Whatever that means.
  • He said that I get “sexual pleasure destroying people’s lives.”

When Rian first presented this meme

This is how the conversation went:

Magistrate: What are you drawing my attention to?

Rian: He’s posting sexually suggestive stuff about Gaffney to punish him.

Magistrate: You’re saying these are photoshopped?

Rian: I wish I was more prepared.

The magistrate did not make a ruling, and says she needs to research this before deciding whether or not criminal charges would be pursued. We will see what comes of that, and I’ll be back in Brookline tomorrow because Charlotte McFarland is once again trying to take out a restraining order against me.



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29 Comment(s)
  • Natasha
    October 25, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    Adjustment disorder is what psychiatrists diagnose you with when you don’t actually have a mental health diagnosis.

  • PainTrain
    September 26, 2019 at 6:23 pm

    Cracks me up that you had to explain what a ratchet is in court lol

  • Judge Wapner
    September 26, 2019 at 3:47 pm

    Make a decision from the bench woman. This case begs for an immediate ruling. Have the courage. C’mon now!

  • MM => Whiteness
    September 26, 2019 at 12:40 pm

    From this point forward all memes of Rian should be created over a background of the dog he killed, his battered ex girlfriend, and his google trophies. Maybe create a wallpaper or something like that. I’d love for him to have to label and explain those “elements” every time he goes in front of a judge.

  • randiguy2006
    September 26, 2019 at 12:19 pm

    Is this how you envisioned spending your time when you were younger?

  • capone181
    Lee Ho
    September 26, 2019 at 11:26 am

    Rian smell like he was slopping the hogs before court.

    Or maybe he has new girl friend.

  • Luke Fondleberg
    September 26, 2019 at 10:16 am

    One of my regular questions is ‘how many rings is the circus today?’ According to the above, several.

  • capone181
    Total Mayhem
    September 26, 2019 at 9:35 am

    Rian, the poster boy for abortion.

  • Dr. John
    September 26, 2019 at 9:34 am

    Offer to settle with mediation. With judge Jerry (Springer) as the mediator. That way we can all watch…

  • capone181
    Lee Ho
    September 26, 2019 at 9:33 am

    Rian handwriting worse than my doctors.

    Thought that was impossible.

  • Awntie Em
    September 26, 2019 at 8:47 am

    You know you’re ratchet when you spell Uncle with a “K” in your false court documents.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    September 26, 2019 at 8:14 am

    If that idiot is a victim of anything it would be the fetal alcohol syndrome he got from his boozer mother. If he wants to play victim that should be what he mentions.

    Aside from that he’s just a piece of shit with no leg to stand on.

  • Dees nutz
    September 26, 2019 at 7:49 am

    The courts need to pull a chicago pd. After all is said and done, they should figure out what expense it was to the courts for the wasted time i.e. Judge’s salary , bailiff’s salary, ETC And make these plaintiffs wasting time pay for the time wasted. And until it is paid in full! they Should not be allowed to file another suit…

  • DudeRanchStripClub
    September 26, 2019 at 7:37 am

    I am exceptionally annoyed I did not choose magistrate as a vocation, I would love this to happen in front of me.


  • Roe vs Wade
    September 26, 2019 at 7:06 am

    Rian may be the “straw that broke the camel’s back” for this time-wasting practice of frivolous lawsuits. I mean that. The courts aren’t going to be burdened with the potential for 10 Rians or some other ratcherino clogging their courtrooms and costing employees coffee runs, iphone time, or aggravation.
    We’re getting to that point if these keeps up. That law will have to be amended. Crazy times….

  • Current state of judicial affairs
    September 26, 2019 at 6:47 am

    Kinda sad this shit wasn’t tossed immediately. Sorry rian hurt feels isn’t grounds to sue. What a colossal waste of time and resources.

  • Michael Johnson
    True justice
    September 26, 2019 at 6:41 am

    Hysterical and sad at the same time. The courts need a system to screen these people out so it doesn’t go to court and waste everybody’s time. The magistrate couldnt make a ruling yesterda?Are you kidding me. There are criminal issue here.Its criminal that this douchebag Rian isn’t locked up in a nervous hospital somewhere for good. Keep fighting these ratchets Ut.

  • tax dollars wasted again
    September 26, 2019 at 6:23 am

    bring back dueling ,settle shit the way it was done before the court jesters,and the robe wearing shitbirds,

  • Two Patch Crappy Jack
    September 26, 2019 at 6:08 am

    He will be 12 feet deep in TB graveyard when this is over….

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    September 26, 2019 at 5:58 am

    I have 3 questions:-

    1) Were there any Turtle Riders present supporting UT?

    2) Did Rian’s loving mummy turn up to explain that she never learned to spell “Ryan” correctly as she was too busy swapping blowies for meth?

    3) If she did turn up, were said $3 blow-jobs on offer to those present?

    Asking for a friend.

    • Real_Finn
      September 26, 2019 at 11:39 am

      “Were there any Turtle Riders present supporting UT?”

      Springfield is a long haul for me. However, Brookline is very close to my office. I’m hoping to escape and show support.

      If Charlotte is as unaware and unashamed as Rian – it should be very entertaining.

      • True Reality Speaks
        Finn Hunter (aka Dick Grabber) Is Just Another Fake
        September 26, 2019 at 6:08 pm

        You spelled “my Mom’s basement” wrong.

        • Real_Finn
          September 26, 2019 at 10:12 pm

          Mrs. Finn,

          I love that you’re trying to figure out my identity online. I feel special. I haven’t even bought you a drink yet. Do you like tapas? Let’s get together soon.

          Always My Bitch,

  • Silencio Dogood
    September 26, 2019 at 3:14 am

    Of all the programs on television associated with the law, not one holds a candle to this entertaining stupidity, where iRan’s fantasy life collides with the darn truth and poker-playing dogs who take his last chip. All apologies for your time wasted on the bench, but iRan is an interesting piece of unemployed work, presenting his dull-witted and sociopathic perspective to the real world. You can’t write this stuff… but somehow did.

  • twin turbo shitposter elite PHD.
    September 26, 2019 at 1:40 am

    Rian should date josh “bitchtits” abrams, I can hear Rian’s passionate pleas “drive it home joshy poo, oh don’t stop joshy don’t stop” all the while the vile cunt towtruck wench is trying to video this faggot fest. fucking idiots, the lot of them

  • Bad genes
    September 26, 2019 at 1:29 am

    Is that Bristol’s uncle the doofus with the glasses?

  • Wwy
    September 26, 2019 at 1:26 am

    TB used to promote this fag and then he grew up.

  • Bong Dong
    September 26, 2019 at 12:29 am

    I almost choked on my coffee when I read “At one point Rian began reading the preamble to the constitution, before the magistrate stopped him.” wtf hahaha

  • Keep up the great work
    September 26, 2019 at 12:18 am

    Good luck with all this bullshit TB

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