All-Star Criminals

I’m Not Saying This Elderly Sea Hog Who Robbed A Falmouth Small Business Of $400 Worth Of Clothing Is Granny McStickyfingers But If It’s Not Then There Is A Geezer Epidemic On Cape Cod


Over the weekend a small business in Falmouth got robbed blind and the person they’re looking for probably isn’t what you imagined they would look like.

Old people are out of control. First they want us to shut the country down to protect them from commie cold, now they’re out during a pandemic robbing stores blind that have been decimated in order to protect old people. This is just some straight up Uncle Leo shit – stealing like it’s going out of style because you know you can blame it on your age.

Anyway, she sure looks a lot like this washed up Cape Cod sea hog:

Mary Gelsthorpe, AKA Granny McStickyfingers, was first featured on TB in early 2018 when she got caught stealing cash out of a tip jar at a restaurant in Bourne.

Then last year she made another appearance after caught stealing clothes from a Lesbian owned non-profit consignment shop in Bourne who she previously sexually harassed.

People are now telling me that it’s not Granny McStickyfingers back again, but the hair part and color appears to be similar.


And if it’s not her, then how many old farts are there on the Cape that go around robbing small businesses of clothing and stealing tip money from teenagers? Has she built some sort of Golden Girls criminal enterprise she’s recruited and trained? I’m still not convinced she didn’t have a hand in this. Either way, if live in that area and see her around anywhere then make sure your wallet’s still in your pocket, because that bitch will swipe it without you even knowing it.


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37 Comment(s)
    December 8, 2020 at 10:27 pm

    What a pile of trash that place is. Started getting bad in the early 2000s when almost every town put a curfew in place because all the loser “gangs” from New Bedford and Fall River started to make their way up to Hyannis. 20 years later, Heroin Hub of New England!!
    Come for the beaches, stay for the crime, heroin and prison reform!

  • Who cares it's a lib who robbed a lib
    December 8, 2020 at 8:59 pm

    Liberal lemming robbing another hyphenated liberal lemming nothing to see here. Not guilty I dont fucking care. You know that hyphenated lesbo supports criminals and has a burn loot murder sign on her lawn. Who cares what this woman stole from a lesbo. They do it too their own kind and idgaf.
    Thats karma. If yoire gonna support black criminals than you need to support white ones too. If not that’s reverse racism.

  • T
    December 8, 2020 at 6:59 pm

    1 lady has really nice eyebrows and the other one has block eyebrows with a little at the end.. 1 has nice fine hair and eyebrows and 1 has greasy looking hair with weird ass brows…but I could also be wrong

  • resembles another old hag
    December 8, 2020 at 11:38 am

    That looks like Alison Cooke from Northampton another ancient crazy bitch

  • Uncle Ted's Empty Scotch Glass
    December 8, 2020 at 2:02 am

    Who does this old bat think she is? A Kennedy?

  • Your daily dose of truth
    December 8, 2020 at 12:09 am

    It’s probably another geriatric, entitled Cape twunt. They are legion on that side of the bridge.
    Cape Cod has nearly zero redeeming qualities. Criminals, druggies, a MASSIVE population of sex offenders and welfare rats make up a lot of the year round population. The lesbos aren’t a big deal. They like the same thing I do.

    “Oh but it’s so sceeeeenic!” Fuck you, go watch some Bob Ross shows if you want to see happy trees and shit like that.

    • Washashore
      December 8, 2020 at 11:17 am

      “Cape Cod has nearly zero redeeming qualities”.
      Other than the beaches, The best pure baseball I’ve ever seen, that being the Cape Cod Baseball League, And great music every summer at the Melody Tent. It sucks so bad Bob and Johnathon Kraft have summer homes up the street from me.
      Your Cape exposure is obviously limited to Hyanus and Yarmouth. Sucks to be you.
      I moved to the Cape in 88 and love it here. Live in a development rich in POC. That color is white.
      More sage advice from a trailer park dweller.

  • COVID Casket Fan
    December 7, 2020 at 10:40 pm

    Load her into a COVID casket.

  • Hu Fartted
    Bill Loney
    December 7, 2020 at 9:39 pm

    As long as it’s not granny McStinkyfingers.

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    December 7, 2020 at 7:33 pm

    There are only 2 types of people who would steal from a garden supply store:

    1) senile old grandmas

    2) spics trying to start a landscaping company

    • caveman
      December 7, 2020 at 11:43 pm

      Maybe in fuckin California or Texas…. But up here in NE, I have never seen a “spic” owned landscaping company. Besides the fact that most “spics” in this area aren’t about the physical labor life…. That’d be Mexicans…

      • hartf811
        Beverly Farms
        December 8, 2020 at 11:09 am

        What the fuck are you talking about. Every lawn in my town gets cut by Guatemalans or Hondurans.
        Hard working fuckers. Can’t find a spook who knows how to start a lawnmower.

    • Hey Spic. You forgot one
      December 11, 2020 at 12:48 am

      3) college dropouts starting their indoor grow

  • Guinea Geisha
    December 7, 2020 at 6:58 pm

    Is this the same old lady that was caught stealing a can of peaches a while back? At court the judge asked, “how many peaches were in the can ma’am?” She replied “six your honor.” So the judge said, “ok, I’m gonna sentence you to six days in jail. One day for each peach.” Then her husband stood up and said, “your honor, she stole a can of peas too.”

    • whatevuh
      Larry the Cable Guy
      December 7, 2020 at 7:05 pm

      I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there!

    • Tom Blackburn
      December 7, 2020 at 10:43 pm

      She got raped in prison! LOL

    • Calm WhiteDad
      December 8, 2020 at 12:45 am

      Didn’t see that one coming. Thanks for the laugh.

  • dude
    December 7, 2020 at 4:16 pm

    Judging by one of her pictures, she has huge Tits , which is a big plus in her favor.

    • Dude, seriously
      December 8, 2020 at 12:12 am

      If she went to a nude beach, those udders would leave trails in the sand.
      Although, her butthole may still be viable. Just sayin’.

  • Washashore
    December 7, 2020 at 4:07 pm

    In June of 2018 a Hyanus woman was arrested for stealing items from a fundraiser for murdered Yarmouth officer Sean Gannon. Tough to verify with her wearing a mask but the hair looks the same. Easily Googleable..

  • Bait and switch
    December 7, 2020 at 3:47 pm

    You suck – I see Granny McStickyfinger’s and I think I am hitting a link to Granny Porn.

  • Ricardo Cabeza
    December 7, 2020 at 3:43 pm

    Side note, who the fuck cares if a business is “Lesbian owned” or not. Are you getting pc on us, Unc?

  • randiguy2006
    Dianna Ploss
    December 7, 2020 at 3:37 pm

    What a dumb old broad.

    Just ask for “donations” from Trumptards like me!

  • Do The Reich Thing
    December 7, 2020 at 3:35 pm

    To the business owner, do NOT feel sorry for shaming this person! Come on, man, why would you feel guilt calling out this geezer when you’re already struggling thanks go Charlie Parker’s flipping regulations which are doing JACK SHIT to eradicate the virus China sent us. It’s a virus, it doesn’t feel pity, or remorse. It can’t be bargained with or reasoned with. And it will not stop ever, until Charlie kills all restaurants and small businesses!
    On one hand he’s telling us the vaccine is around the corner and then turns around blaming people for seeing their families for Thanksgiving for the latest alleged spike. BS! First, not a fucking word about the spontaneous celebrations 3 weeks ago. And then suddenly everyone is getting tested. I am sure if you tested everyone for the clap you’d get about a 70% positive rate down Cape. You test until you get the results you desire, right Charlie? He wanted 175-200K cases and when it started to slow down, he doubled and tripled the testing sites. Shocker, allegedly cases spike yet no one gets a common cold or yearly flu anymore.
    One more thing, anyone know how many people who happen to frequent the Wynn, Springfield or Plainridge test positive? Any spikes from patrons of those places or only those who see their family once a year?

  • Uncle Chester
    December 7, 2020 at 3:35 pm

    I believe older people deserve the upper hand! They are our parents or grandparents and are fucked over time and again while trying to struggle to survive like the rest of us! I look up to this lady because she is like everyone on here supporting vigilance as a way to survive in this shit show that is run by today’s anarchists!!!!!

  • george costanza
    The angry taint
    December 7, 2020 at 3:32 pm

    so did she bring a picture of cameron diaz from something about mary to the beauty salon and said I want his?

    • Captain Trips
      December 7, 2020 at 3:39 pm

      Thanks for the hair gel!

  • Jack Mehoff
    Jack Mehoff
    December 7, 2020 at 3:32 pm

    I don’t think that it is the same old bitch unless she got her hair colored totally gray instead of that ratty salt and pepper look. Just sayin !!

    • SRR
      December 8, 2020 at 7:47 am

      Hair is different and eyebrows are plucked now there are 2 thinned out brows rather than 1 caterpillar brow.
      I think we have a geriatric crime ring forming.
      Maybe they are bored with Bingo.

  • Ron Jeremy
    December 7, 2020 at 3:29 pm

    Hey…she is younger than I am and I’m still banging the hot chicks with my long 12+ inch hog!!

    • Captain Trips
      The Hot Chick
      December 7, 2020 at 3:42 pm

      There are no hot chicks in porn. Hot chicks are the fresh meat. Chicks that do porn have all been around the block already.

      • Typical.
        December 10, 2020 at 7:54 pm

        Fresh meat? Like what? Virgins? lol I’d rather be with someone who knows what they are doing. Sounds like you are the she’s 17 almost 18 but 17 is legal in my state type. Or a set proclaimed hot chick who thinks their pussy is gold. Either way this is a dumb statement.

    • Harry Reems
      December 7, 2020 at 7:01 pm

      You’re in jail, bro. Sexual assault…can you believe it?

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Bret Killoran
    December 7, 2020 at 3:25 pm

    At least she didn’t fucking commit armed robbery like me.

    • The Charges
      December 7, 2020 at 4:12 pm

      Dismissed, suckah!!!

  • hartf811
    Beverly Farms
    December 7, 2020 at 3:15 pm

    Old people should not get the vaccine first. Fuck them.
    Covid-19 was created by China to eliminate Uyghurs and as a by-product can be used to thin the weakened, infirm and POC off the earth so that America can get back to productivity. If you are on welfare or in jail you get it last (after expiration and before it is thrown away). That it effects the welfare financed POC community disproportionally is just the luck of the draw. Nobody rides for free.
    Just sayin’

    • Satan
      December 7, 2020 at 3:46 pm

      Nah let the welfare receivers, poc and politicians get the vaccine first. That way we can study the side effects. By the time it gets to middle age white men who work all the bugs will be worked out

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